You Were Warned

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“You know you really shouldn’t get involved with me you know, I am damaged.”

“Well, it is a little bit late for that isn’t it? I am already involved.”

“I know and I am glad to hear you tell me that, really I am, because I want you more than anything. I have not wanted anybody else in the way I want you but it is because of that I think you would be better off without me.”

“Don’t be silly, what do you mean by that?”

“You are so wonderful, so perfect. I truly have not met anyone like you. It is as if everything I have ever wanted and needed in somebody has been put together and rolled into one.”

“That is lovely of you to say, but I am not perfect, far from it.”

“To me you are.”

“Bless you, that is so sweet. I think you are wonderful too, not at all damaged. I cannot believe you said that.”

“Well I am.”

“Not from where I am sitting. You are incredible. Thoughtful, loving, attentive, interesting, sensual and so passionate. Those are just a few of the things that spring to mind when I think about you.”

“What else?”

“Oh let me see. Generous, yes generous and kind, considerate and successful. Entertaining as well. I don’t think I know anybody who can light up a room like you do. I love to watch you when you have everyone’s attention, I can see how much they love to listen to you.”

“Oh you are just saying those things to make me feel better.”

“No not at all, I mean every word, I really do. I have not met anyone as special as you and that is why I love you as I do.”

“You shouldn’t, I don’t mean to be rude, but you will only get hurt.”

“How? By you?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“I don’t know; I just always seem to mess things up. It may sound strange but somehow I want to think, I mean, I kind of know it should work with you, with you more than anybody else, I suppose I am just terrified that what we have is so wonderful, so perfect that I might do something to ruin it and then you would be hurt and I could not stand for that to happen.”

“You see, there you are again, considerate and kind.”

“I could not live with myself if I hurt you and I just do not want to run that risk of that happening. You do not deserve to be hurt.”

“That won’t happen, I can feel it. What you and I have is something out of the ordinary.”

“Yes we have haven’t we?”

“Absolutely. I love you and you love me and nobody is going to change that.”

“I know, I know, but what if, you know I do something?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, it is just that well, previous relationships have not exactly been successful have they? My track record is not great.”

“No but that wasn’t your fault was it? Look, you told me all about what has happened in the past. Not many men would be so honest as you to admit to what you have gone through. That takes real courage and is typical of the honesty and decency you exude. You are a good man and you have been treated abhorrently by some wicked people. Oooh, if I ever met them, I don’t know what I would do.”

“I knew you would understand. You always do. You get me. They never did you see. I tried you know. I always tried to make it work. I just wanted both of us to be happy but you know when whatever you do is not enough? When no matter how hard you try to please somebody but they always find some kind of fault? That was them. They made me feel like it was my fault a lot of the time. They had that way of twisting everything around so I was made out to be the villain. It is hard to explain it, but that is what they did.”

“I understand. There are some people who just delight in the misery of other people but that is not going to happen with you and me.”

“No?”

“No. We have both suffered previously.”

“I know. That is why I do not want to hurt you, you have had enough from the past and you deserve to be treated properly.”

“Well that is what you do. I could not ask for a better boyfriend, I really could not. You put me first, ahead of everything and you do so much for me. I really do appreciate it and each day I feel more in love with you because of what you do for me.”

“Thank you. That is all I want. Both of us to be happy. I think it must just be because of what has happened in the past, I am worried that this time, having found you, it will go wrong again and you will be hurt and I could not live with that.”

“Honestly, there is nothing to worry about. You have just been made to feel like this because of what they have done to you. It is understandable. I know you won’t hurt me. How could anyone who says the things you say to me ever hurt me? I have never had someone say the wonderful and beautiful things you say to me before. You leave me in tears. Tears of happiness admittedly because you just know what to say, you understand me.”

“Yes. There is a connection and it is deep and meaningful and I do not want that ever to be severed. I will fight to my dying breath to stay connected to you. I want to become you.”

“See, there you go again, saying the most wonderful things.”

“You bring it out in me. If it wasn’t for you I don’t know what I would do.”

“Well you don’t have to wonder do you? You’ve got me and you always will have.”

“Do you mean that?”

“Absolutely.”

“You see I am really in heaven every time we kiss. I don’t ever want to hurt you or lose you.”

“That will never happen. You have me forever.”

“I hope so, I really do.”

“You do. Now, let’s not have any more talk about you hurting me, that isn’t going to happen. We have the rest of our lives to be together and be happy. Let me get another bottle of wine, no, it is my turn, you stay there. You do enough running around after me, let me do something for you for a change.”

“Okay, same again please.”

“Coming right up. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Listen to ‘You Were Warned’

34 thoughts on “You Were Warned

  1. /iroll says:

    I was recently given a split-black d&d (devaluation & discard) from a borderline guy with a sadism I’ve never encountered in a narcissist before. He even tried to use childhood trauma against me, it was over the top.

    Meanwhile old narcy boy keeps contacting me, he just seems robotic and almost sane by comparison.

  2. Raven says:

    Everyone who referred to Maya Angelou has misquoted her. The quote is actually “When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them.” It’s in the action not the words and if we pay attention to actions that do not match words we will see who someone is or at least see the big red flag.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Still problematic though because during seduction there is a combination of actions and words which are an illusion. Thus if that quote is accurate, you would believe the narcissist is kind, generous, exciting, interested in you and your life etc. Thanks for the clarification though.

      1. lisk says:

        Agree, though in my new narc awareness, I keep having flashbacks, especially if the early seduction days, when he DID slip about certain things.

        It was I, however, who wanted to see that period as perfect. It was I who chose to burnish it into something golden.

        I have to take responsibility for my part in sustaining the illusion. It’s only logical.

      2. Saskia says:

        It’s interesting to read about different perceptions about Angelou’s quote. What stands out in ‘show you who they are the first time’ to me is an emphasis on ‘who they ARE’ (rather than who they pretend to be) – so if someone shows their true nature (via actions that don’t align with words or via words that are in stark contrast to what has been said before) you should pay attention and believe what you see/hear as a contradiction/ something that does not make sense/the cracks that appear and not try and paint a different picture or cling to an illusion of perfection. That is how I understand the quote and would transfer it to the example given.

        Happy New Year everyone.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Saskia
          That is my interpretation but you said it better.

        2. windstorm says:

          Saskia
          Good explanation. I do agree that this is what Angelou meant. Don’t go by what they say, watch their actions and don’t dismiss actions/inconsistencies that show their real character.

  3. NarcAngel says:

    I have always taken Maya Angelou’s quote to mean listen to your gut. That when you feel your gut, it’s a red flag that is the person is telling you who they really are and you should believe it. Not make excuses for it or reason it away. Not literally that they are telling you (although they do sometimes say things like “I am a bad person” as HG points out in his articles and we should heed that also).

  4. Saskia says:

    This is quite an ‘impressive’ example of how the empathic person chooses not to listen attentively to what is actually being said and instead, without a moment of consideration or taking some time to process and ask questions that could support a better understanding of their partners background, dismisses remarks that convey bits and pieces of the true nature of their vis-à-vis. It is my impression that this isn’t a very empathic, attentive stance either although it is understandable that a person, being heavily love-bombed, seduced and manipulated and thus under the influence of emotional thinking, would be blinded to reality. Why should a person be capable of doing or delivering something better or ‘above else’ where several other, certainly great, intelligent, capable women or men have failed in the past?

    I was clearly guilty of that attitude. I wasn’t convinced that I was overall better than others but I felt that I was more capable to ‘get’ him and his troubled soul. He would feed that notion by insisting on that ‘particular emotional and intellectual connection’ we shared over the years – I remember that I got caught up in the feeling that we would maintain our ‘special connection’ forever. Instead of asking appropriate questions whenever he slipped up – and he did a lot -, I chose to ignore both his remarks that ‘being with him was quite a load to carry’ and my gut feeling. I see an element of superiority and overestimation of one’s capabilities here as well.

  5. Honey Bee says:

    I remember a conversation like that and I did keep that warning in the back of my mind, although I also gave him the benefit of the doubt (don’t know if that makes sense). I already had some trust issues and I could never make myself trust him completely, so there are a lot of things I never told my narc.
    I was damaged by a mother with narcissistic tendencies. She always told me no one would ever love me as much as she loved me… But she took it all away when I was 13/14 years old. I was an easy teenager, but I knew what I wanted and that was not what she had planned. She had to be in control. After that I never confided in her again. That went on for 30 years. I have learned the hard way that the old adage “there is nothing like a mother’s love” is not true. We all know there are children being murdered by their mothers. There is no absolute wisdom that covers it all. Murder is a physical death, but abuse can also lead to a psychological death. I think narcissism is a form of psychogical death.

    Somewhere inbetween (physical and psychological death) there is still hope…

    The problem is there are a lot of people who get damaged in childhood. We, as empaths, want to help when we see others (especially our loved ones) struggling with life and relationships. And that is not necessarily a bad thing. But we shouldn’t hope against hope.
    One thing I am much more aware of now is that people don’t normally tell you that it would be wise to not get involved with them. If people tell you that, they are preparing you, making sure you keep on investing once their mask starts to slip. Because you will blame it on their hurt and increase your support, when if fact they don’t deserve your support.
    So if I ever find myself in such a conversation again, I will thank him for the heads up and get out immediately.

  6. J.G says:

    We’re so gullible jajjaaj. We bet on a fake and so it goes… And we are too good and trusting. Always living in the country of the lollipop. While we are trusting and in love, the Narcis manipulate us at their whim. It’s good to wake up to the new reality. AND SEE CLEARLY.

    1. Aimee Beth Cormier Sacks says:

      When someone tells you who they are, believe them. Maya Angelou

      1. HG Tudor says:

        The problem with that oft quoted observation is that most of the time what we do tell you we are, we are not. That’s why you are so readily ensnared and later abused. So adhering to Maya Angelou’s observation would put more people in a difficult position.

      2. Sweetest Perfection says:

        Dear Aimee, the original quote reads “when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” I have been lucky enough to meet Dr. Angelou. Strong, inspiring woman, and so are her works. I love the poem “Phenomenal Woman” which I’d like to dedicate to all of us here. And I agree with you, we should have paid attention the first time we started seeing red flags or hearing weird things. So, for all of you, here it goes. I love you all, phenomenal women:

        Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
        I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
        But when I start to tell them,
        They think I’m telling lies.
        I say,
        It’s in the reach of my arms,
        The span of my hips,
        The stride of my step,
        The curl of my lips.
        I’m a woman
        Phenomenally.
        Phenomenal woman,
        That’s me.

        I walk into a room
        Just as cool as you please,
        And to a man,
        The fellows stand or
        Fall down on their knees.
        Then they swarm around me,
        A hive of honey bees.
        I say,
        It’s the fire in my eyes,
        And the flash of my teeth,
        The swing in my waist,
        And the joy in my feet.
        I’m a woman
        Phenomenally.

        Phenomenal woman,
        That’s me.

        Men themselves have wondered
        What they see in me.
        They try so much
        But they can’t touch
        My inner mystery.
        When I try to show them,
        They say they still can’t see.
        I say,
        It’s in the arch of my back,
        The sun of my smile,
        The ride of my breasts,
        The grace of my style.
        I’m a woman
        Phenomenally.
        Phenomenal woman,
        That’s me.

        Now you understand
        Just why my head’s not bowed.
        I don’t shout or jump about
        Or have to talk real loud.
        When you see me passing,
        It ought to make you proud.
        I say,
        It’s in the click of my heels,
        The bend of my hair,
        the palm of my hand,
        The need for my care.
        ’Cause I’m a woman
        Phenomenally.
        Phenomenal woman,
        That’s me.

      3. SuperXena says:

        I hadn’t heard that phrase before ( “When someone tells you who they are, believe them. “Maya Angelou)

        I got a brief mental short -circuit when reading that one!

        Shouldn’t it be : when actions do not align with words ( with what they say) do not believe them. Major red flag.Actions speak louder than words .Right?

      4. SuperXena says:

        That was the most gullible phrase I have ever heard…

      5. SuperXena says:

        It should be: Believe what they do not what they say.

      6. yolo says:

        Every now and then they will slip up and say something like it’s not always going to be like this. Lessers tend to let their mask slip sooner than later. All you have to do is disagree with or criticize them. Hahaha…The mask slip like too big swimming trunks while exiting water. They try to pull it in quickly..Beware…

        BTW Love that tan HG..R U in California? Su hablo poco espanol? :;)

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No, yolo, I’m not.

      7. Leanne says:

        It’s the patterns.
        Watch the patterns and you can see a whole lot clearer..

      8. Kathy says:

        I somewhat disagree with HG’s statement that Ms. Angelou’s observation ensnares us. We now know this bullshit is not real! Precisely because he has told us what it is all about.. When someone has to express this much in the way of love bombing it isn’t right.
        Now HG—can you send me a tall (at least 6’0”) ruggedly attractive gentleman who is not a sociopath, educated enough to have a brilliant conversation, and wildly fantastic in bed? I don’t want him 100% of the time. Just twice weekly. Thanks.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You know now, but you did not know then, hence my point.

      9. Lori says:

        Yolo you are exactly right about the lesser they do tell you it probably won’t last

      10. E. B. says:

        Hello ABCS,

        I have read that too and I strongly disagree with Maya Angelou’s quote and with any kind of polarized thinking (black or white, all-or-nothing).

        On the one hand, I have heard narcissists and highly narcissistic people praise themselves saying how honest, decent and empathetic, lovely nurturing parents/people they are. On the other hand, I have heard honest people say they are damaged and they are not narcissistic at all. They do not have any Cluster B PD. They are just aware of their difficulties and weaknesses, their dysfunctional upbringing in a narcissistic family and its life-long consequences.
        By the way, narcissists’ favourite victims (Empaths) are damaged people. Being honest does not make an individual a narcissist.

        1. Joanne says:

          EB, my narc loved to talk about how honest, decent and loyal he was. Also bragged about being a star parent. :/

      11. Sweetest Perfection says:

        I have always read it as “you fool me once, shame on you; you fool me twice, shame on me.” As HG correctly says, I did not know anything about narcissism before falling for this sorry person’s game. But now I do, so no “fool me twice” for me. Words he said then make my skin crawl when I look back: “entangled,” “problems with boundaries,” “hold no grudges,” “live for pleasure [fuel]” etc.

        But on a happier note: HAPPY NEW YEAR, everyone!!!! 😘🍾🎇

      12. Original Overthinker says:

        My favourite is Still I Rise … Hoping to rise again … I think I am on my way .. x x

    2. lisk says:

      Clarity is beautiful!

    3. Star says:

      J.G.: Yeah we have been guilible because its human nature to believe in the good in people. We expect that for the most part people are as upfront and honest about who they are because that’s generally how we go about things in our relationships. But I think if most of us are really really honest at some point early in our entanglement with the Narc, something in our gut felt uncomfortable. Something in our mind was screaming that something was off. Maybe some of us chose to ignore it because of that whole hope thing we carry in our hearts. Our intuition always knows deep deep down, we just have to trust ourselves to listen to it.

      1. Joanne says:

        Star, that’s exactly it. Despite the alarms going off inside, we want to believe in the good. We know WE would never say or do anything to deliberately hurt someone, or use words and phrases of this intensity if we did not mean it. Therefore, the idea that someone is saying those things purely to manipulate doesn’t really sink in. Another thing is that so many of us have been conditioned since childhood to believe in the “fairy tale.” And when our Prince Charming comes along saying all the right things, over and over, how can we resist? It’s not until well later that we see he’s the devil in disguise.

  7. lacajadepandra says:

    We’re so gullible jajjaaj. We bet on a fake and so it goes… And we are too good and trusting. Always living in the country of the lollipop. While we are trusting and in love, the Narcis manipulate us at their whim. It’s good to wake up to the new reality. AND SEE CLEARLY.

  8. Joanne says:

    Reading this is like a dagger in my heart and punch in my stomach all at once. We have had these same conversations! Only difference was that I was not warned – he left that part out. But the love bombing and praise and affection! 🙁 How sickening it feels to know it’s just a script – words with no emotion behind them, only from my end. Why???

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Fuel.

      1. Kathy says:

        I think batteries are needed. Yes, more batteries.

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