I See Sanctuary


When I first meet you and I look into your eyes I find a certain sanctuary. Your optimistic eyes seem like paradise to me. I can see the hope, the desire and the adoration burning in your eyes. Be they brown, blue, green or grey I can see the promise of salvation. That is why I try so hard to win you over. I apply everything I can think of to ensure that you stay with me so I can gaze deep into your eyes and drink the delight, trust and admiration that flows from them. You have no idea how much I need to see those things. The more I show you love, affection and how interested I am in you, the greater the radiance that shines towards me and the sanctuary that you have created for me remains in place. It surrounds and protects me, keeping the pain and the hurt at bay. It is a simple formula; I shower you with affection and attention and you return to me that magical protection in the form of how you look at me. The admiring glance across the restaurant table, the wide-eyed desire when we are in bed together, the simmering passion as I undress you and the sheer adoration as you quicken your pace to cross a room or a road to meet me. I need that place of safety and respite. A sanctuary where I know that the whispering, taunting voices will be silenced. A place of salvation where that cold-fingered dread cannot grip my throat and silence my scream of terror. Those draining shades that manifest from a past which I try to consign into oblivion cannot reach me in this place. That is what I hope for and believe every time somebody new enters my life. If I can just keep you sending me the power and the protection arising from those magnificent eyes then I will be safe. I apply my every effort to maintaining that gaze which will keep the darkness and the foul creatures lurking amongst it at bay. Everything I do is geared around making you feel happy, loved and wanted so that you will keep looking at me in that way and preserving my sanctuary.

Yet, no matter how hard I try, notwithstanding every effort I apply to maintaining your state of joy and happiness, you let me down. Each time someone new appears I am given renewed hope that this time the sanctuary will be permanently preserved and each time you fail me. Why do you do this to me when I try so damn hard for you? The burning admiration that you exhibited towards me suddenly dims. The adoration that blazed across the room has lost its intensity. The shining lustre of desire has become dulled. You do this to me and in so doing you turn the key of the gates, lift the heavy bar and push them open. You do this on purpose don’t you? You breach the citadel so that the screeching, moaning and howling tormentors that have gathered beyond its walls are admitted to assault me once again as they try to pull me into the abyss of insanity. The craven creatures slither forward, their mucus-covered tendrils slipping and sliding as they seek me out, determined to coil about me and drag me silent with terror into that place I must not go. Why do you do this to me? What have I done to deserve this treatment? All I have ever done is love you with a perfect love to cause you to generate that sanctuary and now, with no warning or help, you allow the paradise to be violated by those that seek to harm me.

I am left with no option but to fight them. To muster my strength and seek to defeat these agents of darkness by gathering my rage and anger. I must lash out in all directions, often and without restraint in order to stop my tormentors from destroying me. It matters not who is caught up in this frenzy, it is incidental whether you or anyone else finds themselves collateral damage from my necessary defence of my being. I fight and fight and fight, it is exhausting but it must be done. I have to survive until the next promise of sanctuary is identified and drifts my way. There I will find peace and a place to restore my waning strength. Is it you? Perhaps this time the sanctuary will remain intact.


9 thoughts on “I See Sanctuary

  1. sighofrelieff says:

    This one always makes me so sad.

  2. 2SF says:

    Yes it’s me. You just never datetd the right woman, HG. Please consult with me, that’s when you’ll find true sanctuary! 🤗💋

  3. Mona says:

    I just see you fighting against shadows. Every strike against a shadow is a strike into absolute void. And each strike hits someone coincidentally or not, who could be close to you and who could protect you. You cannot fight against shadows. You can let them in and put a light on them. Try to put a spotlight on them and you will see they vanish. But as long as you stay in the shimmering light of a dawn, they will haunt you forever. Turn on the light.

  4. J.G says:

    Sorry, I made a mistake, I meant Sisyphus, not Atlas.

  5. J.G says:

    Hello, H.G.Tudor.
    The sanctuary was always there and always did its function. It is only your perspective or utopian imagination.
    What happens is that your eyes are like restless children looking into other eyes or people again, looking for novelty. Looking for the way to be in the high or in the eternal nirvana. You have reached heaven, but you do not realize. You think there is more sky, you can reach more height, but there is not. You have reached the Sun and like Icarus you burn your wings. Falling from so high and us with you.
    Always looking for something new, you get bored of what you’ve already conquered. Always wanting more and more and more and more.
    But the sanctuary was always where it should be.
    There’s a stock market phrase
    Trees don’t grow to the sky… which indicates that investments will never reach that height. Well, that’s a utopia.
    You run after utopias and you make us run after you.
    It’s like running a race, which has no end and can never be won.
    And that inevitably exhausts you…

    But it’s good to know what you see, when you look at the other eyes and know that again history will be repeated over and over again like Atlas (mythological), over and over again and you won’t have rest again. That is your punishment and ours which Pandora jealously guard in her box Hope…

    Today I am very mythological. jajjjajaj.

  6. sighofrelieff says:

    I always feel sad when I read this one.

  7. sighofrelieff says:

    I always feel a certain amount of sadness when I read this one.

  8. Tappi Tikarrass says:

    She sells sanctuary by The Cult -an awesome song.
    Sung to me on occasion by my ex… I shiver when I think about the lyrics now. I actually introduced him to it (it’s in my collection as I love the music of the song, very danceable too) and now I regret it as it’s tainted with his stench.

  9. lisk says:

    Why do I do this to you when you try so damn hard for me?

    Let’s just get one thing straight: if you really loved me, you wouldn’t have to try at all. If you really consider me as special, instead of just pretending I were so, then I would feel it and would have zero ability to fail you.

    Anyway, the person who fails you is yourself.

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