They Won’t Believe You
Go on then, tell them all what has happened to you? Go on, here, take my phone and ring my parents, my family and my friends. Ring my colleagues too. Telephone the golf club in fact why don’t you take out an advertisement in a local, no, make it a national newspaper and tell everybody about how badly you have been treated? Climb on the roof and shout it to the neighbourhood, tell everyone who calls at our door and bellow it to strangers as they walk past. Do it, go on, tell them about. Announce it, broadcast it, transmit it, send it out by mail, e-mail ,message and radio signal. Have it blaring from the radio, repeatedly playing on television, hell I will even let you strap a message to a flock of pigeons and you can let them deliver the news that way. Scrawl how badly you have been treated by me on a piece of paper and wrap it around a brick and hurl it through the window at the police station. Scream it long and loud until you are hoarse. Go on, tell them, tell them all.
Tell my parents about their successful son who has studied hard, achieved brilliant results and now excels at work about what I do? Why don’t you gather all my friends around here and announce to them what a bastard I am? I am sure they will be intrigued to listen to you saying that about their loyal and dependable friend who always makes time for them and has helped them out in repeated ways through his largesse and influence. Pop next door and bang on their front door, explain to them with your wild eyes and even wilder hair what has really been happening? After all, I only every show them friendship and politeness don’t I? I don’t think they have heard me shouting at you (I wait until they are away before I raise my voice) but I know they have heard you ranting and bawling. Go to the local shopping parade and mention to the pleasant lady at the bakery what I really get up to behind closed doors. I am sure she will love to hear you tell her all about the charming man who is her best customer and has arranged for her to supply the restaurant of two of my friends. Call my brother and give him chapter and verse. Oh you can’t because he won’t answer the ‘phone to you anymore will he? I know, head down to the gym and see if you can interest any of the regulars with a hysterical rant about the chap who they all say hello to and who works out quietly and regularly. Type out a memo for my colleagues and circulate it to them. I am sure they will be interested to read all about their boss who holds the keys to their future. Declare it to the group I attend football with, they will want to know all about what I do won’t they? What’s that? These are all my people. At last you have recognised the truth of the matter in between your vile outbursts and hateful comments. I know then, ring up your sister and see what she has to say, mind you, I daresay you won’t want to give her the satisfaction after the way she came on to me would you? Tell your friends all about it. Oh wait, they are now my friends and all they have ever seen is how happy I have made you, the gifts, the trips, the presents and the love. What about the vicar? He will listen to you I am sure. It is what he does after all although what he will make of such slander against a regular attendee at his sermons and generous charity donor remains to be seen.
Do it, grab a loudspeaker, create a banner, haul a message behind an aeroplane and write it in the sand on the beach. Do it in this frenzied manner with words spilling from your twisted mouth, a word salad which makes no sense. I am sure the staccato way you spit out your accusations will be well-received. Make sure they look deep into your crazy eyes when you are talking to them, I want them to see who they are really dealing with. Tell your father will you? Ha, he has put up with this for years and was glad to see you leave home, he told me himself. He knows what a drama queen you are and as for your mother well she hates confrontation and she adores me since she knows just how much I have done for you.
Go on, beat your tiny fists about that façade, see if you can punch some holes in it although I know you will not be able to. Shout and stamp and holler all you like. I will enjoy watching you do that and there will be no favourable outcome for you. You are the crazy one and you are trying to unseat the stable, rational, dependable and ultimately far more likeable me. But you keep trying, it amuses and fuels me as your bloodied hands slap against the façade with no effect and your voice becomes no more than a rasp. I will watch as the hope fades in your eyes to be replaced by fear and incomprehension. Keep trying though, keep going and reinforce what I have already indoctrinated them to believe. They believe me. They won’t believe you.
132 thoughts on “They Won’t Believe You”
Dear Mr Tudor,
If a person don’t understand the subject …. you’re wasting your breath
Your experience comes across as non credible, non believable, we’re making it up, you’re seeking attention and there’s always two sides to every story
My pyscho step father was being spitefully nasty and made a comment to my grandma about my mum … “you’d be surprised how many men she’s slept with” ?
My grandma believed him, even though she barely knew him
She was disgusted at my mum being a slut/whore … even though mum had only been married once prior and hadn’t slept around as she was busy raising us kids before marrying this complete and utter fruit and nut cake
I’m thankful Mr Bubbles witnessed 1st hand the weasel’s antics and I had it all down on text as well … so we can banter about it til the cows come home over a glass or three
Another thing I’ve noticed … people get a little edgy when you start to show some form or intelligence into people’s behaviour … they do not like it …. it’s like your analysing them
The only other refuge is here on your blog … thankfully
Other than that …. stay silent … no one will believe you (unless they broach the topic first)
You hit the nail on the head with this little gem
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Thank you and you are welcome.
Dear Mr Tudor,
I see your thank you and raise you one ..😄
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
It sometimes my emotional thinking …like HG says , when I go to parties with my narc , people are very surprised that HE even has a pretty wife / partner. I think they are very amused actually … . I’ve had people come up and say jokingly …. “I feel sorry for ….you .” He likes them to meet me and he gets off on their reactions. I have become the facade too, that’s what IPPS do. I dont like to ever feel like a wimpy , pathetic woman .. I have choices and most woman do now days. Nobody wants to feel like they put up with their partner …nobody looks up to that type of relationship. People love to see partners still sticking by each other no matter what …supporting each other in life’s ups and downs .
A painful truth. I still have issues talking about narcs and dealing with them at all. My husband says it’s like I go to war and he has to wait for the fight to be over before he can have a logical and calm discussion with me about matters. It’s caused more than a few fights unfortunately but we’re still here and working on it at least.
I like the picture of the guy holding his ears so as not to listen. Ha. Made me smile. It is like a child to hold his ears closed 🙂
Yes, Nika, this is what children do.
My little boy does that. So cute. One time we were watching TV and there was a sexually explicit scene that came out and I yelled at him to close his eyes. He was so cute with how he closed his eyes as fast and as best as he could with his mouth open and his whole body freezing. I love the innocent unquestioning obedience. One of the things I’ll miss when he grows up.
Well, it is not easy. Do not tell without clear evidence. But even a Trump thought, that nobody would find out, how he really thinks about women. They got him. And e v e r y b o d y knows. Look at Weinstein and all the others who thought, nobody would care about it. Where are they now?
I do not believe, that many women will visit them alone in future unless they are not normal. Perhaps for money. But that is pretty o.k. They should pay for it. A lot.
His circle has drank the koolaide; they believe his facade. My thoughts are, unless you’ve lived with him, walked in these shoes, you don’t get to have an opinion because your opinion is based on the rose colored glasses that he gives you with your pitcher of koolaide, and it’s so entirely wrong that it’s not even funny.
If they want to believe, they can. They can also keep him as I’m not interested in participating in that game in life any longer.
“taking my toys, getting out of that sandbox and going to go play elsewhere”
I heard it from my friends
About the things you said
I heard it from my friends
About the things you said
But they know me better than that
They know me better than that […]
How can a view become so twisted
How can a view become so twisted…
The narc has to kill the ipps for anyone to believe ….and she has to be sweet, cute , tiny , innocent and well liked for anyone to care . If she is a loner , introvert or has a weirdo quality ….nobody cares .
Loner, introvert, weirdo quality – you’re describing me!
Yet still I had no trouble with people smearing me or not believing me. Not sure why. Maybe because I never hid how he was at home. I just dropped atrocities he’d committed in causal conversation over the whole course of our 30 year marriage, along with his good qualities. My reputation was that of a nice, quiet, honest, incredibly tolerant person.
Also he made no attempt to pretend he was other than he was to anyone. The last thing he would have wanted to be considered by anyone was a “victim.”
I guess I’m sharing this for any other loner, introvert weirdos out there. Don’t lose hope. Just be honest in a calm way, – no histrionics. Get out and focus on building a happy life for yourself. It is possible.
I’m happy to say that I’m also a member of the loner, introvert, weirdo club! And I also have/had (it’s still ongoing I’m sure) no problem with the smearing.
For me it is because those who matter already know me very well and the rest of them – I simply don’t care about. I live in a small community and, over time, people will see who I really am because I am consistently me and I refuse to try and prove myself to people so that they like me – or even understand what I went through.
“I am consistently me and I refuse to try and prove myself to people so that they like me”
That’s so important – important for life in general. I think that’s probably a key to true happiness.
“those who matter already know me very well and the rest of them – I simply don’t care about.”
Me too. And honestly, I’m rarely even aware of what people think about me. Unless they’re a really smart, observant narc or another member of the loner, introvert weirdo club, they are probably clueless as to the real me.
Regarding happiness; I agree.
“And honestly, I’m rarely even aware of what people think about me.”
Well, that’s where being a loner living off in the woods is a huge advantage! Just poking fun Windstorm…I actually realize that if I could do it; I’d be off alone in the woods too! It’s when I begin again to get actively invloved in the community etc., that I begin to care what others think or how they judge me. And then I have to remind myself of all the things I said in my previous comment to you! (So thank-you for this exchange.)
But, yeah, seriously, people will always have their own “truths” (as we learn here, it is all about perspective) about you and other people – no matter what you try to explain or defend against regarding yourself – so I don’t bother…and I let my actions (over time) speak for themselves.
Of course, narcs naturally exploit the empath’s concern regarding how they “appear” to others and how they are judged socially – so half the battle is no longer giving a rat’s ass about what people, in general, think…then you also take away the narc’s power to play on this.
This is a lesson I have taken to heart.
“half the battle is no longer giving a rat’s ass about what people, in general, think…”
Yep. That pretty well nails it.
One of Pretzel’s great-aunts has died and we’re going to the funeral home visitation this evening. So as I dressed for school this morning, I put on a black dress and sweater (jumper for some of you) and grey scarf and leggings. As I was getting ready I thought, “OMG! What if I forget and just run out of the house wearing my red crocs that I usually wear!” Then I thought, “Eh, how many people who know me would even think it was odd? I’m long past the point of either really caring about or being able to alter other people’s opinions.”
Thankfully I did remember to put on black crocs. I don’t want to be disrespectful to the family.
WS, thank you for clarifying that a jumper is a sweater. A recent article referenced “jumper”. I knew it was something different than what we call a jumper. HG would not be wearing one of those!
Well I believe that’s accurate. One of my gleanings from watching BBC productions. Every time I hear clothing referred to as a “jumper” my mental image is of a very small girl, since that’s who tends to wear them. It always causes a mental clash for me when on the tv program they’re referring to clothing a grown man is wearing! 😄
WS, I’ve been known to rock a cute jumper myself back in the day. I had a navy tartan one that I loved in the second grade.
My granddaughters have a ton of cute ones! British call them “pinafores.” I used to always wonder what they meant when I’d read old novels and they talked about little girls in pinafores. 😄
Thanks Windstorm…I’m sorry you have a funeral to attend but I have to say that the mental image of you being there with red crocs on (I know it didn’t happen) made me giggle – and I’m in the midst of having a really bad day here…so thank-you for sharing that…
Sorry to hear you had a bad day. May you have a wonderful weekend! ❤️
I won’t share the irony here except to say it’s amazing how life can kick you in the teeth while you have been spouting about “not giving a rat’s ass what people think”…ha.
Yay to the weekend! Think I’ll go distract myself by making more glitter ice candles…
Hope you have a good weekend as well WS <3
Whip up some lentil soup. Canadians put that shit on everything!
Welllll, while red, green and black lentils might look fantastic frozen in ice…I draw the line at creating with food goods.
LOL, NA – wellll, red, green and black lentils might look fantastic frozen in ice…but I draw a line at decorating with dried food goods…
Apologies if this posts multiple times; wifi issues.
WC, emphasis on the glitter 😍
You know it!
Yes. I say these comments because they can help another. I don’t do the histrionics . I’m sweet and smiley …;-) I make it fun for him whenever we are out. I’m never shocked at the shit he says . But i don’t have anyone in this world except my daughter and son who know what we hear on a weekly basis . I would never hurt my narcs ability to make money and get jobs. He shares it ….he provides …he supports us. I make sure my kids get all they need. He would spend it all on beer and little debbies and cam girls …if I wasn’t here. And that’s what he when I escaped ….
He can find a drunk female bartender on every corner if he needed some fuel …he can charm the drunk ladies easily with a tip …and a drinking game. I don’t ever lose hope. Thank you 😉
I’m going to attempt to read between the lines here…please know that I’m trying to judge, but more to understand, so feel free to correct me or redirect me if you feel I’m misunderstanding you.
” I’m sweet and smiley …;-) I make it fun for him whenever we are out. I’m never shocked at the shit he says . ”
“But i don’t have anyone in this world except my daughter and son who know what we hear on a weekly basis . ”
“I would never hurt my narcs ability to make money and get jobs. He shares it ….he provides …he supports us. ”
“I make sure my kids get all they need.”
You are in a situation where you tolerate the narc for what, you believe, is in the best interest of your children. I get this; it is a very sensitive, personal decision.
You also said you maintain the facade (or provide positive fuel) when in public and that no one else sees or knows what you and your children are exposed to (in the home I assume) on a weekly basis…
I think I may see why you’re looking for the support you mentioned; it would be difficult dealing with that…and talking about it on a site that advocates getting out and staying out…and difficult to bring up to those who have (with children) chosen to escape their narc or were disengaged from.
It is not easy to stay, nor is it easy to leave. I escaped for what I believed was in the best interest of my child – and for myself – so that I could continue to care for my child without the stress of what I realized was emotional and financial abuse (it had not yet crossed the line into ‘hands on’ physical abuse but was dangerously close)…and now it is actually what I have come to understand as narcissistic abuse.
That I’m *not trying to judge..
Ye. That sounds pretty close …thanks for caring and taking the time to construct a well thought out comment. I try to get some free advice or free laughs free quick support on here too. I like it when HG responds , he’s special that way. Getting a real narcs opinion is what I like 😉
I appreciate the situation you’re in, because it could very well still be me. Except I couldn’t take the chance that my narc’s abuse would escalate and his accusations and behaviour gave me reason to fear that he was very mentally unstable (now I know that he was suffering severe fuel shortages) and the only way he could garner any reaction from me was to accuse me of acts that were completely out in left field. Even other people recognized this. I managed to record him saying these things and when I had a chance I left…and then I sought emergency custody, got it…and it’s been a long road since then. But as long as it’s within my ability to do so I’ll make sure that I protect our child, hopefully, from being victim tenderized.
I agree with you and have learned much from HG…
” Getting a real narcs opinion is what I like 😉”
Fuel shortages …yes. Other people recognized it you say ? Was he saying things to people who regarded you as a friend or your family ?
I don’t know what he was saying about me to other people (but I can guess). When I spoke out about the abuse, after nearly decade, people agreed that what he was doing was abusive and crazy-making. But I had never opened up to anyone until I escaped. Never told a soul about what was going on because I felt very culpable and I did not recognize it as abuse.
I have an earlier reply in moderation but in hindsight I’m not sure that I fully addressed your first question:
“Other people recognized it you say?”
No one actually recognized it…in fact I was as good as you in helping maintain the facade. Our chosen lifestyle itself (during the devaluation) helped to maintain the facade – it was of a nature that people didn’t question our ‘happiness’ together and was, to some people (on the outside) quite enviable. And I did everything in my power to provide positive experiences and memories for my child until I could no longer hide ‘the adult conflict’ from him – mostly because my ex started dropping his mask. He had crossed too many lines and people were beginning to see some of it but it was simply baffling behaviour to them. And I saw it as attention-seeking etc. (Now I realize that he would do these things with others present because – if it were him and I alone, he wouldn’t get the reaction he needed and if he did these things with someone else present (our child, a third person present) he would get an emotional reaction from me questioning “What the hell do you think you were doing?!”…even if it were later, after the fact. Basically, he started letting the facade drop because he was starved of fuel.
But even without these ‘obvious’ signs – very few witnessed the bizarre behaviour – people closest to me sensed that something was off; that I was really suffering but no one could get me to talked about it (they tried). And until everything broke down and fell apart I felt that I couldn’t talk about it. And then finally I had no choice…
For a while, to those close to the situation, you couldn’t shut me up (too many years of not talking about it, plus the excitement of finally making sense of it all after finding HG’s site). Now, I am better and can choose when and what I want to share and I no longer feel impelled to and I don’t have the same emotions attached to the memories but I do have my trigger points…
I feel for what you’re going through
mollyb5 – but I went through it all without the awareness that Narcsite provides. In that way, you are much more fortunate and can look at your situation from all perspectives.
Those people close to you who you say did see at the time and tried to get you to talk about it – what do they say now about what they saw? Can or do they point to specific behaviours of both him and of you that told them something was off, or do they just say they got a general feeling? It appears that it was not as well hidden as you and he may have thought (at the time) and been more of a denial or defence mechanism. Why I am asking this is because I observed very young that people knew but turned away, and this helped to form my opinion that it was not so much the power of the narc to fool others but the denial and reluctance of others that contributed to their thinking that. I have changed my opinion a bit about why others do not get involved, but I still maintain that the only power the narcissist (or any abuser) has is that which we tolerate for whatever reason. They don’t have any power without us, but they continue to believe they do because that is the magical thinking and defence mechanism of the narcissism. They have to believe they have power. We don’t.
I’ve been sitting here thinking about your comment to WhoCares. It stirs up feelings in me that I’m trying to pin down.
“it was not so much the power of the narc to fool others but the denial and reluctance of others that contributed to their thinking that.”
I can understand this and agree it is true a lot of the time. Assuming the narcs goal WAS to fool others. But thinking of my Pretzel, he seems to feel power from doing whatever he pleases and no one stopping him, whether they are fooled or totally aware. I’d even say he gets more fuel when people do see thru his abuse, but say and do nothing, for whatever reason.
I think narcs often feel more powerful when they know others object but stay silent. Maybe because the narcs feel that they are stronger or more intimidating – that other people fear them. Rules don’t apply to them, because they are more important and more powerful. It’s a negative fuel. Maybe midrangers wouldn’t revel in it, because they want to believe that they are nice people, but I think lessers and greaters both enjoy this feeling that they can intimidate others to stay silent.
“They don’t have any power without us,”
That’s definitely true. Alone they are nothing. I think that’s why they often hate to be totally alone. They have to constantly get fuel from other people to sustain themselves. I think what your comment illustrates is that passively watching the narcissist abuse anyone – yourself or others – is actually fueling them.
NA “They have to believe they have power. We don’t.” Oooh, I like that.
Yes, for me, it was definitely some denial and defense for reasons I’ve previously mentioned: I didn’t recognize it as ‘abuse’ and I felt too personally at fault – but *mostly* because it is incredibly difficult for me to ask for help. Asking for help was not an option. The only solution that I could foresee was sticking through to the end or finding a solution myself without letting anyone in.
“Those people close to you who you say did see at the time and tried to get you to talk about it – what do they say now about what they saw? Can or do they point to specific behaviours of both him and of you that told them something was off, or do they just say they got a general feeling?”
Two of them (work/social contacts), specifically, knew something was off because of my behaviour, or that I was ‘troubled’ somehow…and they also likely had a ‘general feeling’. They both had coffee with me, at different times, and conversationally attempted to share difficulties in their lives, hoping that I would reciprocate by opening up and sharing difficulties in my own life. But, no, it didn’t work…I would redirect them, deflect – lol – and turn the conversation around to help them discuss *their* problems. And I know that they did this because, subsequently, they have admitted to attempting to try to get me to ‘talk’.
Interestingly though, one of them has followed along with my education here at Narcsite and also implements HG’s insights and the other has realized that she is also in relationship with a narcissist (she is still entangled but has insight and is making plans for the future with this in mind.)
As for his behaviour, they did not witness the negative stuff first hand and saw him as a polite, quiet individual… (at least with regard to his interactions with me and them).
The three times when he clearly crossed a line (two were in the presence of co-workers, one was an acquaintance) they either ignored it or didn’t hear it (since it was meant for my ears only) – or maybe they just thought he was crazy or an asshole – but never said as much to me.
They were some that may have witnessed his behaviour with our child (when I wasn’t present) that made them concerned. I don’t have confirmation but they may have chose to discuss it amongst themselves. Mostly they didn’t get involved because they didn’t understand what was going on but they were definitely supportive and understanding once I ditched the narcissist. And then they did share some of their concerns with me.
So most of the devaluation happened completely without anyone else’s awareness and they thought we were still in love etc…I still haven’t opened up to many family members and long-time friends who I’ve grown apart from due to distance and time. They still think we had that something ‘special’ together and don’t even know we are apart etc.
I don’t know if that fully answered your questions. I appreciate you asking though and shared what I can if it helps any.
And I’m totally a proponent of this:
“I still maintain that the only power the narcissist (or any abuser) has is that which we tolerate for whatever reason.”
Emergency custody ? I have never heard that term ? Is it like an emergency c-section ….to save the life of a child ?
Another similar term is “interim custody”. It is something a parent can seek through Family Court. There are certain criteria for granting it – one of them is if there is a risk that the child could be taken out of the country. There are more (that’s all I can remember because it was a very stressful day when I sought emergency custody.)
You would have to make inquiries with regard to the legalities where you are; family law lawyer, legal aid etc…
Who cares …
I escaped long ago . I am the custodian parent of my children already . My children …are 18 .16 . They are both very empathic .
I’m so glad that you and your children escaped!!
It wasn’t clear from your past comments whether or not you were speaking from your present situation…that’s partly why I asked you to correct me or redirect me.
Thank-you for setting me straight; it’s a happy thing to be corrected on.
I returned after 4 years …they are older now , and aware and I protect them .
I guess the best thing – when children are older and start making choices of their own – is to arm them with knowledge and be supportive.
I’ve been commenting for a couple years . So I have commented why I had to or choose to return , just don’t want to bore anyone
I have been commenting for a while now too (but with big gaps in time). I recognized your name but I had not known the details of your story.
I’m sure your children with benefit from you having custody and, especially, by being informed. They are fortunate to have a mother who had their safety and well-being in mind.
Hi Who cares ,
What did you get on a recording of him saying …or video of him acting out a rage ?
It was raging and more…I didn’t do it with the purpose of exposing him…it was more, at the time, that I began to see a pattern and I expected certain behaviours of him so I set my phone on record (audio) while it was charging nearby.
It was more for me; so I could listen back and realize that I wasn’t losing mind and that this was really what was happening.
Mine said to me that he could stab himself and tell others I did it …and they would never believe me .
Oww, I’m so sorry Molly, that is SO sick!
2SF, He was very drunk and was totally aware of how he thinks others perceive me … He lets out all sorts of dumb information when he drank . All his twisted secrets and thoughts would ooze out .
That’s really creepy Molly. I hope he is out of sight.
Lol—-go ahead ….let’s test that one out !
It’s sad that they have the audacity to brag about this. To be so upfront at diminishing the value of truth to zero.
If I ever told anyone, they would not believe me at all as he has built this perfect façade online where he pretends to be the model of the perfect husband, the icon of feminism, the protector of LGBTQ rights, the fighter against all social injustices, the preserver of universal peace to the infinity and beyond, and the rescuer of life aquatic. Which tells me that everyone in his profile is idiotic because his façade is SO BLATANTLY FAKE that it smells of fresh paint.
Sweetest perfection, it’s very easy to fool people online. They have no no reason to doubt what they do not witness. In person and daily interactions with the narc alot are transparent. NarcAngel used the words embarrassingly transparent and I couldn’t agree more. I found that when the narc I was involved with was trying to gain control or low on fuel he had a hard time keeping up the facade.
Mercy, you are right, and NA’s expression is very accurate, but still, people are delusional. He was embarrassingly transparent before I went NC, so embarrassingly showing off his body online that I seriously was afraid he was gonna post a naked picture to call my attention, he almost almost did. And nobody says anything!!! He posts 25 seminaked pics and then just one with his IPPS and everyone is awwww what a beautiful and loving couple… **excuse me, I must vomit**
And then he turns into this thoughtful educated thinker and the Somatic is gone, and it’s time to talk all things social and political and philosophical. There is no balance in him, it’s all or nothing. Do people forget that only two months ago the person that is trying to instruct you on social justice was half-naked showing off his abs online???? Maybe in real life people actually think he is an imbecile, like I do now.
Sweetest perfection, I do think people forget. They are so wrapped up in their own lives that they just don’t pay attention. But there are people that see through it. When I see a shirtless selfie on social media my first thought is “Dbag”. How embarrassing for the IPPS!
“Maybe in real life people actually think he is an imbecile, like I do now.”
Probably a lot do. Certainly other narcs will be dissing him out to those around them.
She is compliant without limits. But I don’t like criticizing women, especially now that I know what she has to put up with. She thinks he will get better with counseling. Like HG usually says: “good luck with that.”
Ha ha, that amused me SP.
You make me laugh often so I like quoting you. I value a sense of humo[u]r.
Windstorm, his boss does. I know she hates him. I wish he got dissed. I’m not evil enough to set this in motion, but I am learning from HG’s revenge strategies and ohhh boy, there’s so much juicy stuff there… hehehehe…
As most narcissists have a high turnover of IPPS’s, won’t the friends and family of the narc not think after the 6th or 7th time: Maybe there is something to it after all??
Most do not as they are too caught up in their own lives, some do and if they do and mention it they will receive an explanation which is generally plausible and accepted.
My dad was MARRIED 6 times! One only for 6 months! I was in the last 2 weddings😁 no one ever batted an eye. He still tells me how much he loved my mother and wishes they could still be together. Crazy making!
When I finally started talking to people about what was happening behind closed doors, they were the ones to say that my ex husband was abusive and controlling. I had never connected those two characteristics to the situation before. Apparently they saw more than I thought, and even more than what I saw, and talked amongst themselves but not to me. Interestingly enough most used those two words while also telling me to stay with him. They had their reasons, so I don’t blame them for that. I obviously didn’t listen; and I still turn to many of them when I need to vent.
I choose to whom I share what now. It is less about them believing and more about trying to move forward; and not completely trusting everyone and how they will use that information.
As I said to Anm in another post – many do see but will not get involved for numerous reasons. One of those reasons is that they may have been burned before or gauge that it will fall on deaf ears. If they have offered advice (even in another situation entirely) and it was previously ignored or worse yet shared with the narcissist, they now feel foolish in sticking their neck out where the victim is concerned and in having the victim remain or return, and have now additionally become a target of the narcissist themselves. It is not always a case of the narcissist being as clever as they believe (in fact some of their stories are embarrassingly transparent but they are convinced otherwise), but rather that others do not want to get involved and turn their back for their own reasons. I am always reminded of this when I read the article No Good Advice also and think generally it’s important to acknowledge that when we don’t understand the actions of others and they appear uncaring or duped. I’m glad this is not the case for you and that you have those who believe and support you.
I believe you are 100% correct that while there are those who won’t believe, there are those who do see more but don’t say anything due to various reasons!!
Those previous times where someone may have tried to, with no avail or with negative results, definitely would impact a decision to step in another time!
I did that to my family and friends before I married my ex husband. What they warned me about was not what I would have constituted abusive or controlling behavior (things got worse after marriage), but I did what that article of the 3 letter word described: “but.” My “but” usually revolved around: “but that is how guys are;” and “but you don’t know the things I do (fill in examples of the hurtful things I did or said)” with a few other “but…” in there. (I believe I was good at helping my ex husband smear me at the end of our marriage.)
I, too, have provided advice to others and it appears to have fallen on deaf ears so one does learn to bite your tongue and just be there if/when they come to you.
One thing I also found is that unless it is physical abuse, some people don’t understand. They believe that what happened happened but tie it to marriage/relationships or a gender in general. “No marriage is perfect. Everyone gets upset and may react in a way that hurts their spouse;” “Men are not taught to express their feelings so sometimes they respond in anger.” Etc.
Thank you! I feel very blessed that I was believed and have support. I know many others do not have the belief or support which makes getting out and recovering harder. That is one reason I think Narcsite is so important as there may be no other place in a person’s life where they think they are believed or supported.
That was good reminded me of the movie called double jeopardy with Ashley Judd and the movie Enough with Jennifer Lopez also reminds me of narc painting me like I was the crazy one. It has gotten to the point hg that when I hear or see narcissism I start saying a video of yours that that apply to the situation I am seeing or facing or hearing. Another great one video dont worry ipps….I believe you
I didnt expect or cared if anyone believed me or not. I know what happened he knew what happened. And after years of whatever he did…mindfuck i like to call it. He beat me so bad i grabbed the dogs and drove to my dads at 2 in the morning. Blood dripping amd all. My father opened the door amd all i said was everyone believe me now. I never looked back never got my stuff clothes jewelry furniture nothing. People still domt believe me…
Amd i dont care
Yep I felt the same way except for the beating part it was my dad….people think I’m still crazy…they always say well he doesn’t do any of that stuff to us and I simply reply….its not your turn.
So sad some people want to see blood in order to believe you and there are others who will not want to admit that they were wrong. I believe you.
Hello H.G Tudor
When I was with my narcissist it occurred to me to talk about what I was feeling and what was happening. I never had any support for that. They looked at me like I was crazy. This was even from my friends and family. I detected this attitude toward my problems so I closed myself off. I didn’t talk about it anymore, and I didn’t expose my torture to anyone ever again.
I preferred not to be seen as insane. On many occasions I thought that I was really losing my mind, because I didn’t understand why this fixation and why I couldn’t get out of this situation. (this is also torture) because it really makes you think and think a lot of things. Trying to find the reason to everything lived and happened.
Until a good day seems that everything ends, but nothing more than these in another phase, at another level of this infernal game.
You stay out… yes
But your mind is full of unanswered questions, omnipresence, you occasionally cross it in the street. Then you never stop disconnecting definitively.
If the Zero contact is very good, then it brings you some Peace and you can disconnect part of the narcissist and the tortures of this one, but it is never definitive and this is a pity. Because we are definitely addicted to them…
Before, H.G. Tudor.
I only know that I know nothing
Now thanks to H.G. Tudor.
I only know that I know everything.
I know what you mean. Before ever reading HG’s work and I would read about narcissism….I found that the knowledge of the writer was very limited and they were as clueless as I was. Then when I stumbled across this man’s work I will admit at first I was sceptical. Now I know he is for real…the real deal…! He also offers a perspective from an actual psychopath himself….Something you just can’t get from these other outsider perspective articles about the subject. Now I have a hard time reading articles or books from others aside from HG about narcissism. I know a lot of people say…well you can’t trust anything a psychopath says because they are so manipulative and they lie…but I feel HG is being full on honest and straight forward in his articles and writings. The good…the bad…and the ugly! He doesn’t spare too much. Sometimes I’ll admit…it’s brutal…I have to take a break at times as it’s all so much to take in. I don’t think he’s lying. I am however highly perplexed at how he can know what he is and operate in the same fashion with this knowledge. It’s very unique. I’ve always heard the saying..knowing is half the battle…not sure if that’s something that applies to him. He is definitely higher functioning.
You are correct, I have a Higher Executive Function – confirmed by three psychologists. I do not lie – I have no need to here because none of you know who I am, thus this creates the ideal dynamic – you get the brutal truth and I am able to tell it without consequence to me.
It seems there is a problem with WordPress today.
Not at my end.
Dear Mr Tudor,
I have already submitted to you my notification of Harry Potters magical disappearing tricks
I’ve had to go on your Facebook page for current notices (which appears ok) as your website page has been running a day late
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Bubbles, I started watching “You” last night. I went to bed at 3 AM!
Mr Tudor could have written it.
Who is to say I did not?!
Well, except for the accent, Joe definitely sounds like you, HG. And the whole series is full of elements that are found in your work. I am not talking about common elements that can be explained because of the similar behavior narcissistic psychopaths may have, but to details, expressions that really made me think of you and your work.
You should watch it if you ever have a moment. I just finished watching it. I think it was 8 or 10 episodes.
I wouldn’t be surprised if you were involved with the making of that show
Oh my God Lou
I have been catching bits and pieces at work, we have Netflix for patients to watch. I was turning it on the other day and what the man was saying….made the hair stand on end. His voice was like nails across my skin which caught my attention to actually listen to what he was saying.
I am off tomorrow and going to watch it.
I read a book a few yrs ago titled You and enjoyed it. I assume this is based on the book. When I recommended it to people they said they thought it would be too dark, but those who did go ahead and read it said they were glad they did and it sparked much discussion.
I’m glad you guys mention the show, I thought about bringing it forth! I started watching it a couple of days ago and I already finished the whole season!!! I actually like the fact I don’t have social media anymore after the first episodes, wow.
I watched the whole season in two nights, SP. I tv-binge sometimes.
NA, yes, the show is based on a book by Caroline Kepnes. What I thought for a moment was that the production needed the advise of a psychopath and consulted HG. Too far-fetched, I know.
I need to get my active imagination undre control.
Would have been even better if they had.
I have been “away” some days and missed your comment. Did you watch it? If you did, how did you find it?
I had problems with WP too. Comments in the notification panel were not displayed anymore. I have just installed a WP App for desktop and I am able to load articles and comments again.
Yes, I had exactly the same problem yesterday. Comments were not displayed and my requests to be notified about comments in some posts did not seem to go through. Everything seems to be back to normal today though. Let’s see if it stays that way.
Thanks a lot for the tip E.B..
3am wow !
I assume you were intrigued like us …haha
Mr Bubbles n I were totally engrossed…. we could hardly wait for each episode
Personally, Joe is not my cuppa tea, I don’t find him physically attractive and he’s too skinny for my liking
We were intrigued how he just picked up everyone’s phones and he was “in like Flynn”
Talk about an eye opener from Joe’s “inside head” perspective
We sure can relate to so much Mr Tudor describes
Hurry up season 2
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Bubbles, I found Joe a little too skinny for my taste too. I think he is the kind of guy one would find pleasantly attractive and would never think he is a psychopath. I liked that.
the mystical Hoover finally happened.. at 6:02 am. The text message came. From all the emotions I thought that I would feel, I am shocked that I felt nothing. NOTHING. Not even a touch of anxiety, fear, nothing. I saw his name, read the message, and felt nothing. The “ mixture” was not awaken… Minutes later the satisfaction of giving him no response was my “fuel” as I know he kept checking his phone throughout the day to the minimum buzzing to find no reply from me… probably growing irritated at his other appliances’ messages as he waited for mine.
Knowing that my permanent “silent treatment “ will wound him more than he could imagine, gives me a quiet pleasure.
You were on target as always. And yes, you are still and will remain the only narc allowed in my life. As a good empath, I’m loyal 🙂
I hope you are doing well. I wish you a good 2019. As life normalizes, I will be coming here more often. 💋
That made me laugh Kathy. I understand your joy from remaining silent 🙂.
I would feel the same.
And then 10 minutes later I would feel sorry for him, because a hoover would mean he missed me (that is my fuel) and I promised I would always be there for him 😯.
Be strong Kathy. I hope you can stick with your current feelings. Take care xx
Oh I can and I will. Because he does not miss me. He misses my fuel. He is coming after because his little new romance is not providing him with my grade A fuel. In fact, for a number of reasons that I won’t explain now. He won’t find fuel like mine, for the length of time I can provide. So, this is just the beginning of more crazy events that will come as he realizes that I am not coming back… he already sent me two more messages so it is escalating.
He can’t give me what I need so no more “fuel” for him. HG broke through my illusions, my emotional thinking. I am not patient to go through the whole narc cycle again. Just knowing that I would end up miserable is deterrent enough. Not willing anymore.
Besides I gotta be loyal to HG in the narc world. I would feel horrible if I broke my “one sided” commitment of having HG as the only narc allowed in my life. Now that I am “committed” to the best narc (HG), every other narc is dull, predictable, and unsatisfactory. Besides HG has great legs!
Very good Kathy (yeah the legs too 😊). Enjoy your commitment to ‘the one and only’ ☺
In case some of you are wondering, no contact still in place. He has sent many messages with no effect. I am thoroughly done. For the first time I have a sense of freedom.
I did wonder if you were no contact, so good for you. How is it that the messages are still getting through though?
My old phone. The line is in his name. I have to transfer some of the university software to my new phone. Long story short I wasn’t able to do so because I couldn’t change the password. My last class just started and now professors are answering emails so I am about to resolve it. Then I will get rid of it.
No I don’t use that phone for anything. I have me own line and number. When he sends messages, he sends to the old number so there is a bunch there. That is his “best” effort in hovering me. I don’t care. The spell is broken.,
Kathy, well there it is huh? Good for you for not responding. Wow! you did what you said you would and it seemed the hoover took forever. I’m inspired by the strength it took not to respond. Keep it together. The last time I was hoovered I lasted 2 days then caved. Stay strong lady. I know you got this!!! ♥️
Thank you Mercy!
He’s still bombarding me with messages that I will never answer. In the last one early this morning, he invited me to go to dinner with him Friday night.
As HG says, he is acting like nothing ever happened.
And as HG taught me: robust no contact is and will remain in place.
It took about 04 months for the hoover to happen. By the level of excitement he showed towards his new conquest, I figured it would take him longer to remember that I exist. I guess it is safe to assume that she can’t provide him with fuel enough. Regardless, he wants my fuel and he will have a hard time replacing me. Very hard time and I am moving to Florida before the situation escalates to worse. I know he will not stop and I know it can get worse with my rejection. At some point he will lose it. He won’t take a no for an answer and I won’t put up with him. For now he is still testing the waters to see if he gets a reaction from me.
There is no losing for me. I am done with him. GOSO. That is it.
Seems I forgot to tick the notification box.
Some people will believe you. And will have experienced it. I’m finding that the further out i go from disengagement- the less I care or care that others believe. In fact I feel embarrassed to have been so shattered by what I now see is a nothing situation for the ex. She’s moving on and like nothing’s going on. Nothing new. Same old. I’m educated now and mainly just see my ex as a person who is impossible to live with and a mess when you get up close. So I don’t feel I’m missing anything. I’ve chalked it all up to learning and I’ve pretty much forgiven the ex because it’s tragic she’s gotta live her life that way- but she doesn’t think so. So?? The world is a messy place- I’m working on myself-my daily happiness/contentment and hope for my enjoyable future where I’m in control of my fate- no more waiting for a narc to “change” – whew!
This is exactly what I was thinking this morning: no one will believe me if I told them my boss is a narcissist. He puts people down with his stupid childish jokes, triangulates and creates jealousy and rivalry (I am kind of his golden child in the office) but everyone thinks he is a very caring and nice guy. And I cannot blame them for thinking so.
Same with my recently deceased narc friend. He died with many women crying for him convinced he was their guardian angel. Not exaggerating. They literally said so.
No one will believe me.
But today is funny dance day for me. That will help me get rid of my frustration.
I know this to be true. It’s devastating. I think people don’t want to deal with reality so they hide from it. Denial is systemic here.
I do not remember this one. Oh boy did I feel chills when he dared her to get ahold of his brother. Same thing happened to me.
Not worth it. Not even close. This is why I didn’t even mention what happened to our mutual friends. If they ask, I’ll be honest, but until then I’m saying nothing. It doesn’t help them at all to know because they are NISSs and it simply does not matter. My gut feeling that I’d see those ladies again has panned out far faster than I expected and I’m glad I didn’t try to expose him in a moment of insanity. If he sees all of us again, I’ll just have to cross my fingers and pray that he paints me white to look good in front of all of them and maintain his facade.
Hello~ Can I put it this way, a relationship with a narc is a more ‘extreme’ version of the man-woman dynamic as narcs are more stoic, more alpha, since they are virtually a level zero on the emotions scale. When women push, men pull away. When the woman’s value is high, the man chases. But in order to maintain that high value in his eyes, she has to work on increasing her energy (fuel) and maintain control over how she passes it on to him, not gushing it out too quickly or he will lose interest; the whole play hard to get thing.
True love is not a destination or rule, its just a condition relating to a relevant circumstance at a certain point. Theres no ‘the one’ and theres no ‘true love’, its about making the other person ‘falling in love’ and if you would like to be with them at that point of time.
Narcs are hypersensitive towards the dynamic flow cos they are ‘programmed’ to be so, but like you said not all of them are as aware as you; due to their age and intellect sometimes. I lost my first round with a narc, I felt my energy being taken away but I couldn’t stop it cos I didn’t recognise who he is and the ‘rules of the game’ then. He may or may not be back, but now I know I’m equipped to take down the next male; any male from now on. The narc was an extreme case to teach me a lesson about the game of love and how to win it so I guess he was here for a season and a reason. Who knows, I may get another chance to take him down too, when my energy replenishes and gets to the highest point of self-supplying energy (self-love), cos in order to love (give energy/fuel to) others, you have to love (supply energy/fuel to) yourself. And this is why I think narcs can never be self-supplying, cos deep down they don’t love themselves, the reason why their sense of having found ‘true love’ is even more fleeting, and why their emotional points change from high to low, from love to hate so drastically. My two cents 😀
I feel like only a greater could rightfully boast like this. From what I’ve seen, friends and family would eventually be able to see through a mid or lesser although they will stay loyal to the narcissist.
My Upper Lesser Ex boast like this. His family knows what he is. He will intimidate his own family and even the general public to not support me. A lot of people “don’t want to get involved” even when someone/people are getting abused.
You raise a good point. A lot of people DO see through it but refuse to get involved for various reasons.
I agree Anm.. In some cases it’s not that they won’t believe you, it’s that they are 1. Gaining something from the narc so they stay loyal or 2. They are intimidated.
Do you think it’s possible a 61 year old narcissist’s parents, siblings and spouses, nieces, nephews, daughter, and colleagues haven’t figured out what he is? How can that even be?
I would like to make a request hg it is about the r&b singer r kelly. I would like to have him receive the “very treatment” put him under the Tudor scope.
That’s just amazing to me. These are all exceptionally bright people. Don’t they wonder why he’s single? Can’t keep a relationship? Surely they see he’s immature and emotionally stunted?
People are too centred on themselves often to notice, if they do, there is always a plausible explanation that is doled out.
I’m still shocked no one has figured out Tudor. Family, friends etc. No one?
When you do what I do professionally, it is simple enough to remain undetected.
That is what I look most forward to, HG. If I live long enough to witness the unveiling of your grand design – to finally find out what you really do for a living. 😄