Ten Poisoned Messages of Devaluation

 

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We avail ourselves of the use of technology through all the various stages of the narcissistic cycle and the period of devaluation is no exception. We will use the sending of messages, be they of the text, messenger or e-mail variety, to roll out our devaluation against you. These poisonous messages are sent because it is so easy for us to do so. It is a simple task of typing that message, whether we happen to be at home, in the office, sat waiting for a plane or in a queue of traffic. We can unleash a poisoned arrow from anywhere and have it winging its way to pierce your heart. We can do it at any time and reap the reward from the provision of fuel. Sometimes the fuel arises as consequence of your response, by messaging us back or ringing us. Other times it is gathered through Thought Fuel as we envisage your reaction based on what we know of your emotional responses and sometimes we even get the combination of both Proximate and Thought Fuel. There is little energy expenditure for us and the prospects of fuel and exerting control over you are invariably very good. Here are ten ways in which we send you poisonous messages during devaluation.

1. The Barren Periods

We have, through the extensive and exciting messaging we engaged in during the golden period created an expectancy on your part to receive messages from first thing in the morning until last thing at night and at regular and repeated intervals. You have become used to this and then all of a sudden it dries up. You send a message to us in the hope of generating a response but there is nothing. You send another, just in case the first did not somehow get through. There is nothing but silence. You wait and try to do something else but you cannot concentrate because you keep looking to your ‘phone hoping for that message to appear but it does not. Many hours may pass, perhaps a day until you either happen to bump into us or we deign to finally respond. You can expect the replies to be along the lines of:

“There was no signal where I was.”

“There must be a fault with my ‘phone as I never received any messages.”

“I did reply, did you not get it?”

“All your messages have just come through now, that’s why I messaged when I did.”

“I ran out of credit.”

“I ran out of battery.”

Do not accept these explanations. These are rolled out to pull the wool over your eyes. The failure to reply was deliberate and calculated and more often than not it was because we were busy with somebody else.

2. The Raised Hopes

We will make an arrangement with you, suggesting we go out to dinner tomorrow evening or attend that new play you were excited to see. You look forward to spending time with us, alter your other arrangements, put yourself to time and expense in preparation for whatever event is and then at the last minute we cancel with either no excuse or half an excuse and then we fall silent.

3. The Wrong Recipient

You receive a message which is clearly meant for someone else. It might be using a nickname that is unfamiliar to you, confirming an arrangement when you knew of none to be confirmed, thanking you for a wonderful evening when we did not see one another that evening or any number of combinations where the content of the message is at odds with what you know. It is rarely a mistake when this happens. It is done deliberately.

4. The Vitriolic Volley

A straight forward nasty barrage of insults sent in the form of text messages. The content will be savage and hurtful and you will have no or little idea why the messages are being sent or what they actually relate to. You will be accused of being a slut, when you have always been faithful, or wasting money when you are careful with it, or not caring about us when you have just done something especially loving. The words will be barbed, picking on your weaknesses and vulnerabilities and is often done when you have gone out without us or you have friends around without us being invited. It is a short and sharp method of upsetting you in a quick as possible manner.

5. The Afterthought

We tell you what we are doing and happen to mention that you might like it as well even though now, given the late notice you have been given, that it is nigh on impossible for you to join in. Typical messages will read

“Great party at Harry’s you would love the music here.”

“I am at Portofino’s with Hannah, the food is just your type of thing.” (Plus, who is Hannah by the way?)

“I am watching U2, they are awesome, you like them don’t you?” (When we know full well that U2 is your favourite band.)

You are left upset as you are missing out on something you would enjoy and also hurt because we have done it without you, knowing that you would have wanted to attend as well.

6. The Mirror

This does not appear as though it is actually a poisonous message because its content is pleasant and it is WHEN it is sent that is of relevance. If you are going through a period of devaluation and you then receive messages which appear to provide a Respite Period from the nastiness, be warned; you and somebody else are getting the same messages. Thus if we have been unpleasant to you for a number of weeks and you then get a message stating

“I miss you.”

“I love you.”

“I wish you were with me.”

It will lift your heart but understand that its generic quality, lack of personalisation and out-of-the blue quality denotes that you and your prospective replacement are both receiving this message from us. Double fuel.

7. The Backhander

It may seem like a pleasant message but it is not. This is usually sent to emphasise our importance and demote the apparent pleasantry in our message to you by causing it to appear second-best to the rest of what we have written. Examples would include

“I miss you but I am so busy closing this massive deal at the moment.”

“I hope you are well but I am focused on beating my time for the half marathon so lots of training at present.”

“I was thinking about you as I was polishing my new car.”

8. The False Hope

You receive a blank message from us following a period of silence and this causes you to respond, pleased to have received even this crumb of apparent comfort and thus you respond to it. We deny messaging you or suggest it must have been done by accident. The text equivalent of the butt dial. It was done on purpose and we noted just how quickly you replied to us as well.

9. The Forewarned Silent Treatment

You are told we will not be available to contact. The reason given is not because we are travelling or engaged in meetings or such like, but rather it will be explanations such as

“Don’t message me for 48 hours, I need to do some thinking.”

“I need some space, so I won’t be in touch for a few days.”

“I am feeling pressured so just need some breathing space. Don’t contact me until I contact you.”

Aside from gaining Thought Fuel at your disappointed and concerned reaction, this is being done to exert control over you and most of all to ensure that you do not get in the way and interfere as we are seducing someone else.

10. The False Emergency

We send a message asking for your help with something and you feel pleased to be involved as matters have been decidedly icy between us for a few days. You respond straight away but you are then told that it does not matter since Joe or Helen or Angela has already come to our aid/lent us the onion/changed the tyre etc. There was no incident which required your help or help from anybody. We wanted to see how quickly you would respond to our control and then we garner fuel from both your perceived and witnessed responses.

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17 Comments

  1. HG,
    These sound awfully similar to some of the texts I would get while shelved. I know secondary sources aren’t devalued, so can these things happen during shelving too? The most common one I received was “I’m gonna give you some space” when I would question his behavior. And he would frequently make plans and cancel last minute. I never understood the point of that, but it made me feel awful.

    1. Secondary sources are devalued, it just does not happen as often or as extensively as the primary source.

    2. BetterwoNarc

      “And he would frequently make plans and cancel last minute. I never understood the point of that, but it made me feel awful.”

      You felt awful. That WAS the point. His mission accomplished.

    3. “The most common one I received was “I’m gonna give you some space” when I would question his behavior.”

      This is opposite of my struggle. When he begins acting odd I usually back off and give him space. Sometimes he will even ask me for it. But then he will reach out and contradict himself. When I call him out he says “I don’t know what I want anymore….”

      HG….you always say the MMRNs do not know what they are but they are intelligent enough to know that their behavior is asshole-ish. Why make a comment like that? I thought your kind always knew what they wanted, when they wanted it and so on. Why would he ” not know what he wants”?

      1. No, they recognise you think it is “asshole-ish” but they do not accept that, the behaviour is always justified – why? Because it is your fault. He does not see that he contradicts himself (you see it as contradictory) he is merely altering his responses in order to maintain control. His narcissism blinds him to the contradictory behaviour (it has to, so he maintains control). You keep looking at it from your perspective (which is understandable) but that is what is hindering you from understanding. From his perspective he is always right, you are the problem, he is not contradictory.

        1. HG, so… Once I knowI must go because there is no opportunity to “fix” a situation if I am always the “problem”. Or, another way to understand the futility of trying to rectify the situation is to say that if the other person in a relationship perpetually sees me as the problem, then I my engagement with them will never bear a solution to the conflict. A mutually beneficial, respectful, and satisfying relationship with a narcissist is untenable. Accurate? Or, not?

  2. Does devaluation happen right out the gate? I went on a date with Narc and he promised a second date, called out sick, then fell silent. It’s been almost a month now no contact from him.

  3. ….oh, and now I get why Breadcrumb texts and Hoovers mostly come on Holidays/Frid evening/Sat evening.
    Figures

    They’re a bit like the Afterthought you describe here.
    A triangulation.
    I never respond, but the narc prob writes the out-of-the-blue post-ghosting
    “How is your Saturday evening (gorgeous)?”-messages
    while he is on his way to a date/party.

    So if he gets a response he can feel fuelled and either ghost with joy, or tell me he is at a fun party/dinner.

    And I guess these two latest dating app-crumbers did this to others while out on those dates with me back in Jan/Dec.

  4. Every…single…one of these messages of devaluation has been transacted by someone HG has identified, through consult with me, as a MMN. Just thinking about all the fallacies I believed feeds my sadness.

  5. My MMRN’s behavior is/was all over the place. Attentive, affectionate and loving and then it seeps into that “friend zone” territory. He will get snippy with me and then the next day will pour on the sugar with over the top apologies. He will variate between telling me he needs space and then being a sexual monster. Blah blah blah lather rinse repeat.

    1. Me too. And I always figured the latter would occur cause he wanted sex. Come to find it’s so much more complicated than that.

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