House of Discards

 

HOUSE OF-2

 

The discard. The end of the road, or so you might think. I have mentioned previously that I am of the view that the cessation of our current involvement with you would be better regarded as a dis-engagement because it is temporary in nature. When we bring the current relationship to a halt and there are many ways we achieve this, we will, at some point, return ready to hoover and therefore the discard is really a temporary act unless there is some intervening act. Nevertheless, I will continue to use discard in this article because it is common parlance in the narcissistic debate and it is faster to type than dis-engage. The act of discarding you can occur in many ways but they belong to one of the five houses of discarding. Whilst we are creatures of economy and conservation of our energy and thus exhibit repeated and patterned behaviours, we are not so intransigent as to adopt differing methods of discard should the occasion merit it. Those differences may manifest from victim to victim or you may find yourself on the receiving end of several variants of discards from our kind. Whatever they may be, you will find the method used will belong to one of these five houses.

  1. The Vanishing Act

Probably the most popular form of discard. As far as you were concerned we were both in a relationship. Admittedly, matters had been difficult if not downright awful for some time, punctuated with periods of respite, but now we have just vanished. You cannot get in contact with us. You have rung our number and if it has not been changed or you have been blocked, it has just rung and rung. You have left repeated voicemails asking where we are, each more fraught that the one before it. Your texts have filled up our inboxes. Enquiries of friends have proven fruitless. Your calls have always been held up by the switchboard or a secretary at work and you have seen neither hide nor hair of us. The days accumulate and there is just a void. This discard is a massive silent treatment. It will take you some time before you realise that you have been discarded and often this comes by way of inference and implication. You are not told to your face or in a message that it has ended. Instead you learnt that we have been seen with someone else in a romantic clinch in a bar or walking down the road. You keep trying to obtain answers but they are not forthcoming. It is bewildering upsetting and hurtful. It is all by design.

You may interpret this form of discard as appearing cowardly on our part, that we could not even face telling you that it was over. It is nothing to do with cowardice. This method of discard happens for the following reasons: –

  1. We are utterly infatuated with the new primary source which we have ensnared so she is all that matters and you are reduced to an afterthought purely for sucking the last few drops of fuel from, before we delete you;
  2. We draw one last burst of fuel from your frenetic attempts to contact us. We may see your messages, we may listen to your voicemails and we may even watch you desperately knocking at our door as we peek through the blinds. This all provides us with fuel. Even if we do not witness your attempts to contact us, we still draw fuel from knowing how you will have reacted to this callous act. Once we have drawn this fuel we then forget about you (until it is time to hoover) which makes the silent treatment that this form of discard is, easier to elongate;
  3. The manner in which it is utilised is designed to annoy and upset. You are made to feel worthless. You did not even merit an explanation. We see no reason to provide one to you. You are worthless in our eyes;
  4. It reinforces our idea of omnipotence. You are a chess piece which is picked up and moved round the board and we decide when and where you move.
  1. The Savage Strike

This is where you are told that it is at an end. There can be no doubt in your mind with this particular discard, compared to the Vanishing Act. You are told in no uncertain terms that it is over and you are told precisely why we have decided that it is over.

“I am sick of the sight of you. You are pathetic and I realised I cannot be with someone like you.”

“You are selfish. I do so much for you, yet you never think about me.”

“You think more of the children than you do of me.”

“You have put weight on. I am repulsed by you actually.”

“You don’t make any effort anymore. You dress down, never do anything and I hate it when a bitch lets herself slide.”

“You are a parasite and I cannot stand you taking from me any longer.”

These are but a selection of the horrible and harsh words that will be thrown in your direction. You will be the one to blame for the demise of the relationship. We have been forced to take this action and now we hate you for it. We will insult you, label you and lash out with a verbal tirade. Very little of this will be based on a foundation of truth, but this will not stop us. This approach is adopted for the following reasons: –

  1. To obtain fuel from you by making you upset and angry, hurt and fearful.
  2. To identify things which are wrong with you so that you obsess about them. This undermines your confidence and means you will struggle (along with everything else) to move forward which makes hoovering you easier.
  3. If you make changes based on our insults, then when we hoover, we will see this as underlining our power because you have acted on what we have said.
  4. There may even be some early triangulation by us comparing you to the new primary source if we decide to twist the knife and tell you that we are leaving you for someone else.
  1. The Wedge

This discard is so-called because it is designed to keep the door well and truly open for our return and an easy hoover at some future juncture. It lacks the viciousness of the Savage Strike but also applies doubt in the same way as the Vanishing Act but you will at least know why (or at least you will be given some suggestion as to why it is at an end). Expect to hear comments such as: –

“I need some space.”

“I have a lot on and I need time to deal with those other things.”

“I am not sure what I want at the moment.”

“I need time apart to figure a few things out.”

We will not point to anything specific but instead we will rely on amorphous and vague observations all revolving around needing time and space. The ideas behind this form of discard are as follows: –

  1. It makes us seem like some kind of deep troubled soul which is both intriguing (so it keeps your interest) and draws sympathy (fuel);
  2. It keeps you hanging on because we make it sound temporary in nature. We just need time to work things out (chase down the new primary source) and therefore you are given the hope that we will come back;
  3. It creates doubt and confusion so you will not move forward but instead you will hang around waiting for our return;
  4. You will keep trying to “check in” with us during this discard period which will give us further fuel and allow us to triangulate you (“she is just a friend who is helping me gain perspective”).

 

  1. The Golden Wedge

 

As above but you actually receive a host of back-handed compliments as part of the leaving speech.

“You have been nothing but good for me, but sometimes it is too much so I need a break.”

“You have done more than most, but even that has not been enough and I just some time to figure things out.”

“You are wonderful, wonderful in so many ways. I love you, but I am not in love with you, so I need to be apart until I get that feeling back.”

“Nobody is as special as you are but even then it is too much for someone like me and I need to stand back and decide what I need before moving forward. I know you will understand, you always do.”

Akin to the Wedge this is designed to: –

  1. Have you think we are still wonderful because we have been so complimentary about you even though we are ending the relationship. Fuel will be forthcoming;
  2. Sow doubt. If you are so good, why are we sending it? Vague and amorphous answers once again follow to keep you hanging on;
  3. The terms of departure are as amicable as possible meaning that the eventual hoover is very easy;
  4. You retain hope and keep “checking in” during the period of discard. We gain fuel.
  5. Our façade is maintained

5 The False Discard

 

This is not intended to be a discard although if that does actually happen (although it is rare) we will still manipulate the situation so that it turns out to be a win for us. We will appear earnest and upset as we trot out such comments as: –

“This isn’t working is it? I can see I am hurting you. Perhaps you should end it?”

“Just let me go, please.”

“I am not good enough for you. Please, do the right thing and end it.”

“We’ve taken this as far as we can. It has been wonderful but I think you should draw a line under it, don’t you?”

“Please, just put me out of my misery. I cannot do this to you anymore.”

The intention is to cause you to be alarmed at the suggestion that this should end and therefore you will pour fuel our way with your upset and concern. It allows us to assert more control as we extort from you, your additional submission and obedience as conditions for us staying. Accordingly, we make you upset and anxious before agreeing to continue. We have gained fuel, gained new concessions from you, gained further fuel from your relief but also sowed seeds of doubt which will keep you on your toes going forward.

If in the rare event that you do what we want, we still win. We will have a new primary source waiting as a contingency and then we can tell all and sundry that you ended the relationship. This means we can seek sympathy from other sources, cast you as the villain (assisting our smear campaign) and engaging with the new primary source in the knowledge that you ended it so we are free to choose who we want to be with (conveniently forgetting that we of course had them already lined up and we pressed your finger on the trigger which killed the relationship).

20 thoughts on “House of Discards

  1. Sophia says:

    K,

    I hadn’t thought of that. Facade maintenance and character traits. He told me he wasn’t telling anyone but me about Scientology because he didn’t want to get made fun of. Though, people like us don’t make fun of others for their interests or beliefs.

    I wonder if he realizes that this is facade maintenance and obtaining character traits or if he really thinks this is going to help him be a better person. I don’t believe it will stick.

    I have disengaged. I’m tired of the short respites and lengthy devaluations. I’m learning I’m happier when I’m away from him. The addiction to him has weakened, thankfully.

    1. K says:

      Sophia
      He may not want to share his interest in Scientology with others because he may want to keep that separate or compartmentalized to maintain control so he gave you a plausible explanation for his secretiveness about it. You are right, empaths don’t make fun of others for their interests or beliefs; we show interest and encouragement.

      He does not know what he is or that he has a facade to maintain; it is all instinct and he really thinks he can better himself, after all, he really is a decent guy and wants to make a change (midranger). It will stick as long as he is getting the Prime Aims fulfilled, once that stops happening, then he will jettison that charade for his next fuel quest.

      Those respites do get shorter and shorter and I am happy to read that you have disengaged. The addiction takes a while to fade so just keep reading and posting your way through it. Just wait, you will keep getting happier as time goes on; it is great.

  2. Bubbles 🍾 says:

    Dear Sophia,
    I am so sorry you had to endure all that pain n suffering from your narc, sadly, it goes with the territory

    I know a lass who joined Scientology over 40 years ago
    She was a druggie from a middle class family and had major psychological issues
    She was extremely vulnerable and susceptible to the (so called) church’s influences …..the church preys on them
    Oxford Capacity Analysis …. more like “suck you in dumb dumb” analysis

    She disowned her family (churchs insistance) however, not before bleeding her father out of all the membership/course fees the church required
    $100 here $500 here $500 there …. it went on n on n on ….. cost him $1,000’s ….she didn’t care
    Anything for your daughter …. right

    Her life was devoid from her family
    She was also an alcoholic and a liar

    She’s now 60 (married for the 3rd time, finally scored herself a “well off” husband, never had children)
    She has only recently “sort of” reconnected with her family, but has always verbally abused her 88 year old father over the phone, ( as she lives in a different state) and tells him to “f… off dad” constantly, then hangs up on him …..(charming)

    Sadly Sophia, I wouldn’t hold your breath!
    She hasn’t changed!
    She’s just more experienced at being manipulative!

    If someone has to “learn” to be a “good” person …. it wasn’t there in the first place …. sorry pet

    Scientology “own” him now …. time to say goodbye, move on and take care of yourself precious
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    1. Little says:

      Bubbles,

      Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your experience. I wouldn’t have thought that someone narcissistic could be manipulated by Scientology.

      1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

        Dear Little,
        You’re very welcome
        It must be fuel, as she met her husband no 2 there and received a lot of attention from them
        Look at Tom Cruise ..why is he there
        Unless your one yourself …. we empaths will never figure out what goes on inside their ” cray cray ” heads …..I don’t think they do either …. .haha
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  3. Sophia says:

    After the first 6 months I was awarded the Savage Strike. I’ve went through false discards, wedges, and golden wedges.

    After 3 1/2 years, he has found an interest in Scientology. He has been attending these classes after taking the Oxford Capacity Analysis. He’s been reading the books and watching the videos.

    He said he wants to work on himself and learn to be a good person. There’s a part of me that wants to believe he’s truly working on himself. Then there’s the part of me that wonders how long it will take for him to go back to his old ways.

    I really hate being cynical. I’m just at the end of my rope. I’m becoming almost numb.

    1. lisa says:

      Sophia
      If you have access to watch the documentaries on TV about scientology that Leah Remini has done, it’s a cult and the teachings are all based on narcissism. Even if your partner was genuine about joining this it will encourage his narcissism further even if he isn’t one to begin with, don’t get involved in that organisation, even if you think it’s a good thing that you and him could do together, It is not !!!
      The founder and current leader of the organisation are narcissists and i suspect psychopaths.

      1. Sophia says:

        Lisa,

        I watched a couple episodes and have the others on DVR. I tried to get him to watch and he said everything has its positives and negatives.

        You make a good point, that it could make his narcissism worse. I have consulted with HG and he’s a MMRN.

        I blocked him on email and phone last Thursday. I couldn’t decide if he was saying some of the things he did because he was wanting to be upfront and honest so I’d forgive him or if he was manipulating me again. And I’m tired of the roller coasters.

        1. lisa says:

          Sophia
          That’s good that you have some info on the cult which is disguised as a religion called Scientology. If you’ve consulted with HG just follow his advice and you’ll be fine. Narcissists also have a habit of coming up with things to triangulate with, there will always be something that’s more important than you or some bullshit about what they are going to do, mostly they don’t do anything that different. Their lives are ground hog day !!!

          1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dear Lisa,
            I totally agree with you…..
            “Narcissists also have a habit of coming up with things to triangulate with, there will always be something that’s more important than you do, mostly they don’t do anything that different. Their lives are ground hog day!!!”

            Narcs always think …. “anything you can, do I can do better” 🤣

            The “weasel” couldn’t handle my “spontaneity” …. it freaked him out. I’d rock up (out of the blue) with some food or books, he’d go ape and panic, haha Even though, at the time, I was the “only person” whom he “allowed” to visit (being his “only” friend)
            I could phone or text him anytime and I knew what he was doing. Very regimented!
            He ate at midday, dinner at 5pm, fetched morning paper 7.30am, two beers on a Friday night along with 2 lollies

            My mum’s exactly the same! Mr Bubbles n I always had to make an appointment with my mum to visit, she couldn’t handle unexpected visitors (I’m her daughter for heavens sake )
            I can predict her every move and I’m ususally spot on
            She’s relaxed it now …. only because she’s dependant on me !

            I’m the opposite, full of surprises 🤣
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          2. lisa says:

            Bubbles
            My ex was the same, the rigid habits were unbelievable, I could literally say what time he eats, what he eats, the bed time 🙄 the shopping day, where he drinks , that alone without every other issue he has was enough to think there’s something seriously mentally wrong. It is easy to think sometimes though when you first meet them that they live like this because they are single and just get into weird man habits ha ha !!
            However it’s amazing how if it suits them or is in some way beneficial to them these habits can be changed in a second, but they then go back to the same old routine or a slightly different version of the same old routine. It’s part of the fear of change and inibility to change. Of course the future faking of real change will always continue but never actually happen.
            He was also completely anti social and had no visitors, nobody actually wants to visit the weirdo and he doesn’t want them to. The social mask was put on at weekends with his brain dead friends that he binge drinks with every weekend, same few friends in the same place.

          3. windstorm says:

            Ha, ha, Bubbles! I’m like your mom that way. I can’t stand unexpected visitors either. Won’t let them in the house! I have to have at least an hours warning, even from my kids!

          4. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dear Lisa,
            Are we talking about the same person ? 🤣
            The weasel was exact….same brain dead friends, same binge drinks with his so called buddies, same place, exactly 2 hours (4-6pm) Friday
            When he was on the prowl to get a hit of ego boost … he’d grow a tuft of facial hair
            When he’d make his kill, he’d shave it off ….. press play and repeat
            He liked women with dark hair
            He was very structural in his routine, went by the clock….. he actually made allowances to accomodate my visits and I know how uncomfortable he felt ….. he’d be looking at the time and then he’d start to pace up and down like caged panther …. that’s when I knew it was time to leave, even though he’d be exclaiming “nooooo, no need to go” …. he’d even have the same routine when I was there
            I know if he had to do something unexpected with his daughter (like pick her up in the early hours or if her car had broken down) he went into panic mode ! (She lived with him)

            Yes, if it’s beneficial, they will go out of their comfort zone for fuel …. but then back to their boring structured routine
            He lived in a “cave” with blinds drawn ….. weirdo !
            You’re spot on Lisa, the future faking of real change never happens
            And yes…. there is definitely something mentally wrong with them 🤣
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          5. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dear Windstorm,
            I hate unexpected visitors as well …. I usually play possum 🤣
            Must be an age thing, or the fact we just hate people now …Haha
            Our kids still have their keys to our place … and they bob in n out …. were fine with that (the boys are always looking for my home baked goods, hehe)
            Anyone one else can “rack off” 🤣
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        2. NarcAngel says:

          Sophia
          Tell him anything that causes you to jump on couches and look like a fucking pinhead to the world (then show him the clip of Tom Cruise doing it on Oprah) can’t be considered intelligent or respectable. Hopefully that will do it.

    2. K says:

      Sophia
      Translation: He wants to find new sources of fuel so he is working on facade maintenance/character traits.

      You are in devaluation so he will be back to his old ways once the respite period ends.

      It is time to disengage.

  4. awoke says:

    Thank you HG! I have been reading your blog everyday for over a week now. I was shocked at what I was reading as if you had some how viewed my conversations with my narc. You are so spot on. I have been in a relationship with him for almost 2 years. 2 weeks ago I got the Golden Wedge, a few days ago, I got the Savage Strike….I thought you were…I can’t believe you…. With my new found knowledge from reading your blog, I was very excited with the back and forth between he and I. Giggling as I messaged him back because I finally understand, sort of what has been going on now. I feel a sense of freedom. But what is wrong with me?? I was so excited with the mind games, now that I know. Is it because I am addicted? I ended that convo with, “tell me what I need to change” and laughed to myself, now I am sad because he hasn’t replied.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Awoke, yes, you are addicted. If you require assistance with regards to addressing this addiction (it can readily be done) do consult with me.

  5. Blondie says:

    HG If a narcissist returns to a past Ips after a few years ..not me.I was ipss how will that turn out for the Ips will they be devaued quciker or will he behave to keep them onside. Thanks

    1. HG Tudor says:

      They will be devalued because the IPPS’ fuel will become stale or not provided often enough or in not large enough quantities. Devaluation is likely to come about faster than the first time.

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