Can I Control the Narcissist?

CAN I CONTROL THE NARCISSIST_

How often do you want to bring about some outcome with the narcissist? Make the narcissist pick you as the primary source, make the narcissist repay you, have the narcissist see the error of his or her ways, cause them to attend therapy and make good the damage they have caused?

Can you cause these things to actually happen and why are you compelled to achieve this?

You can understand more here

56 thoughts on “Can I Control the Narcissist?

  1. Chihuahuamum says:

    So true you can never 100% control the narcissist. There are aspects of the npd you can learn about and somewhat control but i think the main factor which was mentioned is the fuel matrix. You have no idea what the narcissist is doing behind the scenes or who enters the picture at any given time. I know in my own situation this has been the case. Things will be hot and heavy for a bit with no explanation then were back to mediocre. To the narcissist this is A-OK bc were there as appliances to meet their needs. Were supposed to let them take the lead and decide but in reality that disintegrates a relationship very quickly. Early on i tried to change the dynamics by making him jealous or being manipulative with silent treatments or such but it was a waste of time. He couldnt be controlled and moreover he seemed to enjoy these tactics which i was baffled by but now realise to be negative fuel and he seen right thru it. Were all just players in the matrix. Ive gone thru emotional pain over the years but the knowledge ive gained has helped ease that. I can control aspects of his behaviour but never could i completely control him bc hes his number one. He matters most to him. I know i matter to him on some level but its all based on what i give to “him”. He is constantly sourcing new appliances and dynamics are forever changing like the waves in the ocean. You can never pre dict what you are from one day to the next.
    That being said my narc and i do share a lot besides the romantic side which imo has kept the relationship going. The relationship has changed drastically as a result. Its become more of a friendship. The attraction has waned and the fog lifted. I know what im dealing with and my head is no longer in the clouds. I do love my narc deeply and enjoy his company but its not what it was before i learned all of this.

    1. Omj says:

      I like your view on it … this is kind of what i aspire too.
      How did it turned that way? What commonality did you developed ? How long it took you to get there ?

  2. DEMBunny says:

    Liked this one a lot.
    I have been trying my ba d at manipulating but not for reasons mentioned; it’s been 90% research and 10% sex
    But it’s EXHAUSTING!
    There are “triangles within triangles” , lies within lies, & while enlightening, ultimately too tiring for me. Depressing , too!
    I still feel like there’s more to be learned but to what end?
    I think I still need to grieve the hole left by what I suppose was not even a real person.
    But I think I’ve had enough .

    No you can’t control the narc. And even if you could, it’s an empty game. And I do believe it’s psychologically toxic to attempt long term

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Dembunny
      Now you’re talkin. The light is getting in.

  3. Jenna says:

    I was getting abuse amnesia so I actually went back and read old texts. (I do not advise this to others. I can do it only now because I have reached a point where i feel sorry for whoever is next within his grasp, not envious). I saw a pattern which I never noticed before. Most things I would write, he would contradict it. ‘I want to see you would get the reply ‘i can’t’. ‘I don’t want to see you’ would get the reply ‘I think we should meet’. ‘You are special’ would get the reply ‘you are not’. ‘I hate you’ would get the reply ‘hate is not good’. ‘I don’t want to talk to you’ would get the reply ‘we need to bond’. ‘Please don’t do this’ would get the reply ‘it’s up to you’ blah blah blah. Blaming me, contradicting me for each and every sentence. Past the golden period or respites, it is a horror show. Stay away for your sanity! Goodbye narc!

  4. kel says:

    I enjoyed listening to this very much. There’s no getting along with a narcissist – it’s like putting a cat on a leash or holding water in your hand or chasing a fly around the room trying to swat it. I’ve had it. I don’t care – which ironically is the ultimate insult to anyone- but it’s not the intention. Not caring is fabulous. Turning up the music, letting the wind blow thru your hair, meeting up with people, having a life and enjoying it is fun. Nothing he childishly attempts matters to me because he has well established he’s an asshole, and I’m not impressed with him. I’ve learned to be logical, that people manipulate, I go out in the world much much wiser now. He’s a con-man. You are right, I’m not any good at controlling or manipulating. Being honest is all I can be, and seeing someone for what they are is all I can do.

    1. nunya biz says:

      Inspiring comment, kel.

  5. Veronique Jones says:

    I have no desire for control , sometimes I feel the need for self preservation and fight for it , my heart breaks doing that being torn between love and pain creates a void inside of me and it can take a long time to get over it my biggest problem is I can feel the pain in others and I’m drawn to it my desire is to heal not hurt. Narcissists a particularly damaging for me because their desires to hurt I know it’s to stop themselves from hurting I can feel it and it’s a bit like an addiction I can’t control Myself around them anymore than they can And eventually they wear down My defence mechanisms of keeping them at arms Length emotionally and That’s where it becomes a problem I know the only people that can heal you is you And you have to want that. which is why I try to avoid your kind but you always find me It’s like your kind can sense me As being a fountain of never ending emotion and Because it takes so much to actually tap into that a challenge which I have paid for with blood and tears I have no desire for revenge and do not hate them I actually still love them I just know I cannot be around them when possible I leave and stay away if not I have to keep them at a distance at all times I have had enough experience with them to know the roller coaster ride never ends

  6. WhoCares says:

    Omg, I love this image; so steampunk.

    1. A Victor says:

      Me too.

  7. Joanne says:

    I’ve not yet listened to this but I wanted to comment that just last evening I was reading a blog of a woman whose husband is a narcissist, and she claims that by way of becoming “happy” on her own, she has summoned back the man he was before he removed his mask. That by focusing on what she WANTS to see in him, versus seeing ONLY his NPD, this has brought about a full 180 in him. She’s apparently got books and sells training on her techniques. I felt so sad as I read the comments on her blog, women who’ve obviously been so worn down by their narcs, who seemed even more confused by her proposed strategies. I didn’t dive further into it but I was amazed by this blog author’s absurd claims.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Interesting Joanne, it would not surprise me if that individual is actually a narcissist since from what you have explained there is grandiosity, a desire to control and magical thinking. Seems to me that some enlightenment ought to be sent to that misleading place.

      1. shesaw says:

        HG, Joanne,
        Or she must have been projecting NPD in someone who doesn’t have it.
        But then it’s still blind grandiosity that she tells the world that SHE has healed his supposed NPD instead of admitting that he doesn’t have it and SHE is the one to blame for projecting it into him.
        So indeed, I see why HG would not be surprised if she is the narcissist herself.

      2. Joanne says:

        Here’s the post I was reading in horror:

        https://lauradoyle.org/?s=my+husband+is+a+narcissist

        1. Mercy says:

          Joanne, haha this is absolutely ridiculous. This person is either a narcissist herself or has never been in a narcissist relationship. I hope this isn’t the type of support sites we start to see in the future “How to live happily with lies, abuse, manipulation”. Ugh

          1. Joanne says:

            Mercy
            Exactly. A couple of the commenters on her blog point out that her husband must not have NPD because this is simply not a long term (or even short term) fix. “How to live without needs of your own and become a subservient robot.”

          2. Mercy says:

            Joanne, I tried to read more but it reminded me of the fluff I use to read before I found this site. I have no patience for it.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            And that is the response of somebody with their emotional thinking at a low level, logic prevails.

          4. Mercy says:

            Thanks HG! That confidence booster made my Monday morning!

          5. windstorm says:

            Mercy
            This reminds me of my grandmother’s secret to a happy marriage. You make a list of everything your husband does or does not do that irritates, hurts or annoys you. Then you label the list “Things I Wont Let Bother Me Anymore.”

          6. Mercy says:

            Windstorm, this made me laugh but makes me sad too. Women of that generation didn’t have the options we have today. Her list sounds like her version of a self help book.

    2. NarcAngel says:

      Joanne

      What a crock of shit and a dangerous message. Feeding on the hope of the addicted and charging to encourage them to stay in abuse by thinking they can bring about change.

      1. Joanne says:

        NA
        I know! I couldn’t believe my eyes. At one point, I myself have attempted to change my attitude and behaviors and treatment of the narc to see if it would in turn bring a change in his. It did, to a very SMALL degree and was very short lived. The amount of extra potent, supercharged, high octane fuel I would have to be spewing out constantly in order to maintain this level of sweetness from him was just superhuman and NOT WORTH IT. These attempts on my part were also short lived, as I couldn’t stand myself and my own behavior (in other words, my healthy boundaries and logic preventing me from continuing). I could see that there was no way I could really control him or the outcomes, no matter what I tried. HG is probably right, this blog author is probably a narcissist herself 🙁

        1. Joanne says:

          I should also add that this little experiment that I tried did not bring glimpses of the golden period… maybe bronze at best.

          1. Supernova DE says:

            Agree, same happened to me. Honestly, I think he could see through it…that my admiration was slightly faked (ie not genuine fuel), and I think it pissed him off even more…haha

          2. Joanne says:

            Supernova DE
            Now that you mention it, I wonder if mine could sense the same. But perhaps we have that idea just due to the fact that we as empaths are so *overly* aware…

          3. Supernova DE says:

            Joanne,
            Yes that’s true!
            I have often thought that it would be impossible to have the admiration of the golden period again after knowing they are a narc.
            No offense to HG, I know he is a narc, and admire him and am happy to give him positive fuel (professionally).
            But the mid rangers are a totally different ballgame. After you know, its impossible to see them as a ” good person” again. I found it impossible to respond to the pity plays like I had before, I found it too tempting to point out the fact that he could NOT manipulate his surroundings the way he wished he could, etc.
            I even recall a few times thinking, “Oh I see, I made him upset, he’s devaluing…well let me give a dollop of negative fuel to make him feel better.” I mean at that point, all my reactions were just as fake as he is. Cue my escape….

          4. Joanne says:

            Supernova DE
            Cue the escape is right! When you realize that your own responses and reactions are thought out and calculated in that manner, you know there is nothing “real” about this relationship at all.

        2. Sophia says:

          Joanne,

          I read Disarming the Narcissist and Rethinking Narcissism. I tried my ass off to communicate with him and provide consistent positive feedback. It took so much energy. And you’re right, a bronze period at best is what we get. That’s if we’re lucky. It was a total waste of time.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Correct. Anybody that tells you to continue to engage with a narcissist does not know what they are talking about.

          2. Joanne says:

            Sophia
            Exactly. Who could possibly keep up that level of energy consistently?! And then the bar would only be raised on us anyway. No thank you 🤚🏼

        3. DEMBunny says:

          Agreed. It’s exhausting really. Although the quick reaction I’d garner from my own absent silent treatment was delicious .

        4. NarcAngel says:

          Joanne
          It is futile even if you could keep up the extra potent, supercharged, high octane fuel. They eventually need the contrast of the negative, so anyone thinking they can affect the outcome by ‘staying sweet’ is deluding themselves. At best you will just become a boring nostalgic sweet hit of fuel sitting on a shelf somewhere waiting to be ‘tagged in’ at his whim.

          1. Joanne says:

            NA
            Totally right 🙌🏼

          2. Mercy says:

            NA & Joanne,

            NA’s comment reminds me of Sophie in “What are you thinking?”

            “Must not think, do not think Sophie. Just keep doing. Smile and shine, shine and smile. Keep going forward. Don’t think about it. We know what happens when you think about it. Bad things happen but we don’t do bad things do we? No. Only good things. I don’t do the thinking, he does.”

            I’ll pass

    3. Jenna says:

      Hi Joanne,

      Sounds like she’s trying to make money out of it. If she really cared, she would offer some services for free, like HG does here. He answers questions for free. Not that HG cares about us, but as he has said before, he gets a sense of satisfaction from empowering empaths against his kind lol!

      1. Joanne says:

        Jenna
        Oh she is definitely monetizing this advice. She has an entire program! :/ If you look at the link, you can see her replies to comments, and it’s just ludicrous.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Yes, I had a brief look. Every post is – “Read my book” – some Tudorites need to perform a raid!

          1. Joanne says:

            Let’s all flood the comments!! LOL

            https://lauradoyle.org/blog/my-husband-is-a-narcissist/

          2. jenna says:

            HG and Joanne,

            Omg a whole program – without any credentials! And every post is read her book lol. That alone makes me not want to read her book! HG’s credentials – “I am a malignant narcissistic psychopath” – nuff said!

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Ha ha indeed. I saw the ‘read my book’ entries on every comment and it just smacked of blatant selling and no actual application of thought to what the person had written. If she was a doctor it would be

            Doctor, I have a pain in my head. Her : Here, take this pill Bullshitvian twice a day.
            Doctor, I have a rash on my ass. Her : Here, take this pill Bullshitvian twice a day.
            Doctor, my hand has fallen off. Her : Here, take this pill Bullshitvian twice a day.
            Doctor, I am having a heart attack. Her : Here, take this pill Bullshitvian twice a day.
            Doctor, I am dead. Her : Here take….wait can you pay me?

          4. Jenna says:

            Hahaha hillarious!!

          5. Twilight says:

            Hi Jenna

            Glad to see you back.

            I read some of her work last night…..misleading

          6. Jenna says:

            Hi Twilight!

            Thank you. Always nice to see you! Yes it’s misleading for sure. I feel bad for the pple who are buying her ‘program’.

          7. Twilight says:

            Hi Jenna

            Well it is time for more to be exposed to accurate information……

          8. windstorm says:

            Hey, Jenna!
            Help out a senile old woman. Who r u all talking about?

          9. Twilight says:

            Windstorm

            https://lauradoyle.org/blog/my-husband-is-a-narcissist/

            I have kept it to the side……I am going to make a few of my own comments tomorrow when I am off work and can focus my full attention on it.

          10. windstorm says:

            Twilight
            “In my experience, you can expect your narcissistic husband to write you love notes, take you to musicals, and spend hours making you organic vegetarian chili even though he’s a carnivore.”
            😝😝😝😝😝😝😝😝😝
            I’m rolling on the floor!!!!
            Can’t read anymore!😂😂😂

          11. Jenna says:

            Hi Twilight,

            Your comments will be much appreciated!

          12. Twilight says:

            Hi Jenna

            I didn’t get a chance to address it yesterday, my family came over and take priority over this not to mention I was extremely angry which wouldn’t have reflected well on what I would say about HG and his work. People would have picked up my anger, that is what I mean by reflecting well with what I would have said.

          13. Jenna says:

            Hi Twilight!

            This is a great example of the difference between us and narcs. If we do feel angry, we wait. That way, we know we are not responding emotionally. I am trying to do it alot these days. I will try to contain my emotions until logic kicks in. I am improving day by day, and it is a journey towards a more peaceful existence. (Though I am by far perfect and sometimes I slip).

          14. Jenna says:

            Hi Windstorm!

            First of all, you are the complete opposite of ‘senile’ so please scratch that word out!
            How about we scratch out the word ‘old’ too? Do you remember Robin? I believe she is your age, sixties. 60’s is the new 40’s these days! She would talk about her dating experiences, and I remember her flirting here once also! She certainly didn’t consider herself old, nor do I consider you old!

          15. Jenna says:

            Hi Windstorm!

            I replied to you but HG did not post it yet. Twilight has linked you to the blog that Joanne found. I see you’ve read a bit of it. The quote you pasted is funny when you think about it!

          16. windstorm says:

            Jenna
            Thanks. Yeah, it cracked me up!

          17. jenna says:

            Ok I just checked that link. She contradicts herself. She says the wife has to be like she was at the beginning. Then a commenter says she tried that and it didn’t work. Now what will she say? She replies by saying ‘doing less is more if you know what I mean’ – or something to that effect. It made me sick. Misleading people who are already down.

          18. HG Tudor says:

            Indeed Jenna.

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