Not Tonight, Caroline




Established readers may remember dear, sweet Caroline, an ex-girlfriend of mine who had a huge conscience and always sought to do the correct thing. She often wanted to fight back against my manipulations but could not do so because she took the view that it was wrong. Wrong because she did not believe in meeting fire with fire. Wrong because she always maintained that I needed help to overcome the issues that apparently I had. She was sweet but ever so misguided. Caroline was a particular enthusiast of horror movies. I at first found this slightly at odds with who she was although I naturally embraced her enthusiasm for them as part of my mirroring of her likes. I found that it was actually psychological thrillers and creepy horror (not out and out gore fests) which she preferred. The reason for this soon became apparent. She enjoyed being scared witless in the cinema because it made her amorous, randy, horny, call it whatever you will but it made her want to go straight to be to make love after any visit to the cinema. We would make near weekly visits to the cinema and sometimes twice in a weekend for her dose of fright and then the sex thereafter.

Once the period of devaluation began with Caroline I knew, as was often the case, that withdrawing sexual interest from her would provoke the appropriate hurt, upset and frustrated response which would provide me with the negative fuel that I craved. I also knew however that she was confiding in a handful of people outside of our relationship (note – always secure a lieutenant in the primary source’s camp) and it would not do to have my name besmirched in such a way. Firstly, I was not wanting those listeners (two of whom I had identified as potential targets) to think that I had a reduced sexual appetite when that was not the case, of course they could not be told that this apparent loss of libido arose as a consequence of a manipulation. Secondly, I did not want her to garner sympathy and support from her camp over my withdrawal of sexual attention.

Accordingly, the tactic needed to cause the withdrawal without it being directly linked to me. Naturally I identified that the attendance at the cinema to watch frightening movies was the catalyst that ignited her libido. To her, film night was sex night. Film night therefore had to be the target. I needed to maintain my appearance (at least) of being reasonable so I would be able to garner sympathy at her now failure to engage in a sexual union and also to avoid it seeming as if I was the one sabotaging film night. She had to be the one to sabotage film night and thus if we or rather she did not attend the film there would be no sex to follow. This would be her doing and I could justifiably complain that I was the one not getting any sex as a consequence of her selfishness.

Accordingly, my aims with Caroline we are as follows: –

  1. Cause the withdrawal of sex leaving me blameless and thus with grounds for complaint;
  2. Sabotage her attendance at film night without it appearing that I had done so;
  3. Cause her to cause the sabotage so I remained blameless.


I knew she was angling for new car and I had been engaging in future faking by suggesting that we would organise for her to get a new car. I kept putting it off and I knew that she was becoming irritated by this because she wanted a larger vehicle for the increased mileage she was doing associated with her job. On the Saturday when we were due to go to the cinema that evening, I returned to the house with a couple of brochures from a dealership.

“What have you got there?” she asked pleasantly enough.

“Oh a couple of brochures for the new Jaguar, I fancied a change.”

“What? Already?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well you’ve only had your car less than a year.”


“Well, you don’t need a new car, I do.”

“It’s like that is it?” I asked.

“Like what?”

“I am not allowed to look.”

“You said you fancied a change.”

“I do but that isn’t the same as ‘I am getting a new car’ but oh no, you had to assume you knew what I meant, just in the same way that you always assume you know what is best for me. If I want a new car, I will get one, it is my money.”

“Yes, yes, okay, but you have been promising that we would change my car.”

“No I haven’t.”

She paused trying to keep her rising exasperation under control.

“Yes you did.”

“Are you suggesting that I have lied,” I said firmly and quietly. She halted.

“You were weren’t you, you fucking snake,” I hissed at her.

You can imagine how the rest of the conversation went. I baited and pressed until she erupted in tears of frustration. I strung the argument out until it was close to the time to depart for the cinema.

“You are in one of your moods again, I’m not going to the cinema with you since you are being so horrible,” she declared.

“Suits me. I will go on my own.”

I saw her mouth drop open. She expected me to talk her around into going. She probably also expected me to arrange a new car for her in order to persuade her to come to the cinema. That was how manipulative this woman could be and I was not falling for it. Apologies, that was how I later described the conversation when recounting the poor treatment, I had been subjected to. I knew she expected me to sweet talk her into accompanying me to the cinema, but I was not doing so. I had to turn my head so she did not see my smile of satisfaction. I was fuelled from her upset and frustration. I also knew that she would be cursing the fact she was not going to the cinema and would in turn rue the loss of the catalyst for her sexual engagement that she otherwise wholly enjoyed. I made for the door as she made a noise of protest and headed to the car.

I adopted a blackened look on my face, appearing as if it was I who had been wronged by her refusal to accompany me to the cinema but the reality was I was delighted. I had drawn fuel, asserted my control, reinforced my superiority and I could watch the film without someone grabbing my arm every five minutes in terror. I could also complain about her behaviour to anybody I chose to tell and knew her options for complaint had been severely limited because she chose not to come to the cinema which in turn stymied her expected later pleasure.

This is how a greater narcissist thinks. Planning ahead in order to secure the fuel, the control and the winning outcome.

51 thoughts on “Not Tonight, Caroline

  1. Lou says:

    HG, were you going to pay for Caroline’s car (weird) or were you just going to help her pick one that she was going to pay herself?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Pay for it. Unless I decided against it. It’s easy enough to do.

      1. Lou says:

        Yes, that is one of the many advantages wealthy narcissists (and wealthy people in general) have; they can always extract fuel by promising expensive material goods and withdrawing them later. They can dangle bigger carrots and thus extract more potent fuel. But it also depends on how needy the other person is for such things. Most people want material things that give them status and/or comfort, so it is pretty easy to extract fuel that way.
        I am kind of stating the obvious. I know.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Maybe not so obvious to some. There are who choose to see a large purchase bestowed upon them as a “gift” rather than the ties that bind that it really is. This is a case where I see emotional thinking and ego over logic.

          1. Lou says:

            NA, I totally agree with you about empaths having an ego too. It is strange for me to think they don’t. Everybody has one; it is part of our survival instinct, IMO. Most humans are hungry egos.

          2. Lou says:

            NA, I realise I replied to your comment with a different observation that was not directly related to your comment. I somehow got stuck in the ego part. Lol. Yes, emotional thinking may take over logic easily when it comes to receiving expensive gifts. The N wealth can really be a powerful tool of abuse against the hungry not so wealthy empath. But it is a dance both dance.

          3. NarcAngel says:

            Np. I understood.

          4. Lou says:

            By hungry I mean the more “needy” empath.

      2. Lou says:

        HG, I think it is good that the SM is wealthy too. I think a relationship may get more complicated when one partner is much wealthier than the other.

        1. HG Tudor says:


  2. Whitney says:

    Is this normal for a woman to have a car bought for her? I would be kissing the ground he walked on.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Oh you’d be kissing the ground alright if a narcissist bought you a car, because at some point you would be reminded that you did not pay for it, likely be pushed from it, and be kissing the dirt before you picked yourself up out of it to walk home. They may buy you a car but you WILL pay. Don’t fantasize about selling your sanity and self respect so cheaply.

      1. Whitney says:

        Thank you NA, so wise.

  3. 1jaded1 says:

    This is why I will buy my own cars. In the unlikely event you would have bought one for her, she would have dearly regretted it (I’m imagining).

  4. Alexissmith2016 says:

    Fuck sake! Now I super, super hate you!

  5. Alexissmith2016 says:

    My later comment was supposed to sit under the ‘YOU’RE’ comment.

  6. DEMBunny says:

    My MMR does this. And I’ve heard him plan for his IPPS . Guess he’s high functioning in this regard for a MMR

  7. amanda SNapchat says:

    this was hot

  8. Claire says:

    This is bad behavior. I really hope you are refraining from this stuff because you are really likable. I’d love to see you discuss the pro social behavior you occasionally reference.

  9. kel says:

    The lousy thing here is that you’re targeting two of her friends. She had her turn, now it’s the other ones turns. It’s just fuel, like a lamb to the wolf is just a meal. Such enemies. At least a wolf in sheep’s clothing is only pretending to be a sheep, but a narcissist is actually a human like us. How can they be the same species? It would be like instead of a wolf, an actual sheep devouring other sheep.

  10. Anm says:

    My daughter’s father lives for these scenarios. He will add comments after creating the frustration with, “I don’t have time for game players” or “this is so toxic!” The intention is for the victim to say, “but but but, you are!”.

    1. Claire says:

      I’m sorry you have to deal with this. It is a life sentence of sorts having kids with these people.

  11. mollyb5 says:

    Would a normal man ..(non-narc ) want to make sure he kept the sex exciting ? But since you want attention from many women , you grew tired of the positive fuel Caroline was giving ? Did You enjoy the power over her ..more than the sex ? I suppose there isn’t any woman that kept you sexually interested for very long.? Is that right ? There is always something better around the corner …bar? Please make this clear for me .

    Cerebral narcs are more interested in the intelligence shared by an intimate partner? Shieldmaiden is a literary genius have stated . Will you be different or more satisfied sharing intellectual talks with her and sharing your writing and literary interests more than sex ? Does she give you more personal character traits to take on as your own. Will you start to compete with her soon ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Sex is just a means of gaining fuel, it is all about the fuel.

      Discussions about literary works garners fuel, it is all about the fuels.

      There is no need to compete.

      1. Narc noob says:

        Do your kind ever feel paranoid, the need to look over your shoulder, just in case?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Our kind are inherently paranoid, but not in a look over your shoulder way.

          1. Narc noob says:

            Thanks HG for your time in answering our questions. What kind of paranoia then? Perhaps I’ll search the archive

  12. Chihuahuamum says:

    My narc has done this many many times orchestrated a way to sabatoge things so he could devalue me but come out looking like i was the difficult one. The crazy thing is i even felt guilt over it but thats gaslighting at work. It starts with a covert insult to trigger emotions and then ruins any plans for closeness. Its a lot like word salad during an arguement meant to distract.
    I am curious why she would expect you to buy her a new car HG or was she wanting you to help her pick one? That in itself is wrong expecting a boyfriend to buy something of that magnitude. It seems materialistic on her part.

  13. Sarah Jane says:

    The way you think has me laughing so hard in bed, I imagine the neighbours will voluntarily cock a deaf one when I say good morning tomorrow. It’s the way you tell them!

    Don’t marry her, have me. 🎶

  14. Mercy says:

    HG, this is a good one. While reading I was thinking only a greater could plan this type of devaluation. My MRN

    1) could never make the connection between horror films and sex.

    2) would withhold sex without thinking about the consequences of potential targets being told about the manipulation of their friend.

    3) would no show to the movie then impose a silent treatment to escape blame instead of planning a argument that he could blame on his target.

    He is intelligent but has almost zero ability in identifying what causes emotion. He has his instinctive tricks but I think he throws them out there randomly, knowing he’ll get fuel, but is never certain of what type of fuel he’ll get in response.

  15. Koreander says:

    If she wanted a new car, who are you to avoid it? Now I tell you what she did when you went to the movies, she gave herself the sexual pleasure you could never make feel. She never needed you, in fact, it was wonderful that you left her alone for 2 hours.

    1. HG Tudor says:


  16. ava101 says:


    But I thought you hated movies?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No I watch lots of films.

      1. Francesca Lupi says:

        Can you get fuel from that?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The film itself? No.

          1. ava101 says:

            Exactly, let my specifiy my question … I thought you wouldn’t enjoy watching a horror movie (thriller) on your own?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I do not tend to watch horror movies as the genre is of little interest to me.

          3. Francesca Lupi says:

            Then, can a narc enjoy an entertainment for its own sake? Or maybe you watch movies only when you can use that for fuel…

          4. HG Tudor says:

            It is an investment.

          5. Sarah Jane says:

            My MRN used to flick and quickly scroll the forward button through films and shows. He would never watch and listen intensely, or get engrossed. He just did it for something to discuss and talk about with the people he obviously enjoyed getting fuel from.

            ‘Keeping up appearances.’

          6. ava101 says:

            I weeded the last person out on an online dating platform for always answering only half of my questions, and even that without really giving an answer. And then saying that he had that information on his profile when he had clearly not.

  17. Maureen says:

    Your a Dick!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      YOU’RE rubbish at using the right word.

  18. Francesca Lupi says:

    I don’t understand what does that superiority consists of. When you say “I reinforced my superiority” What kind of superiority are you reffering to? Sorry for my poor understanding but I think I can get it just in a very general sense. But if I try to emphatize with that, I don’t understand why this behavior should establish someone’s superiority…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The narcissist’s perception of being superior to all around him or her and thus the ability to be set apart and above and be the controller, not the controlled.

      1. Alexissmith2016 says:

        Slightly off topic but your comment reminded me of a cafe I once drove past called, “Joyces’ cafe”.

        Made me wonder how many people called Joyce worked there. I’ve always regretted not going in to find out.

        1. JB says:

          A really old comment, so you may not see this, Alexissmith2016, but you have really made me laugh with this comment! Thank you! 😂🙂

  19. OneBlueSunday says:

    Do NOT marry Shieldmaiden. YOU WILL BE THE RUIN OF HER. (And, deep down, we both know that’s what you want in the end. Your End Game, if you will.)

  20. marinathemermaid3 says:

    I guess you’ll be seeing her face in hell H.G.

    1. J.G THE ONE says:

      But sitting on his throne. Tudor will go to hell and dethrone Lucifer himself. He’ll tell him: get off, I’m going to make some changes down here, I have some brilliant ideas…. Lucifer will come out with his tail between his legs, seeing what comes to him on top.

      Tudor, it’s just a joke.

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