What Fuel Feels Like To The Narcissist



When I look at you and see the delight cross your face as you spot me across the room, I feel the flame of attention ignite inside me as the first sensation of power booms into life. I have learned that your smile, the widening of your eyes and your hurrying towards me is indicative of delight and happiness on your part. I feed from this allowing my eyes to drink in the fuel that emanates from your expressions. When I gaze at you beneath me, writhing against me, mouth open and flush of sensual desire spreading across your chest, the flames burn fiercer as I watch with such attentiveness the flaring of your orgasm. I study your reaction to our coupling, noting the detail of the way you twist your head, the slight flare of your nostrils, the flailing limbs. I watch and I absorb, committing your reaction to my memory as I avail myself of the fuel that you are providing for me. When I stand and stare at you, that baleful glare piercing you from my darkened ink-like eyes, I am savouring your trembling stance, the fear that you are trying to hide cannot be hidden as you clutch at the arm of the chair to steady yourself, your eyes welling with tears. I stand and I stare,my stare generating your fearfulness and at the same time absorbing the fuel that flows from your frightened state.

When I hear you call my name, that upwards lilt in your voice, the light inflection which denotes that you are pleased to see me, I feel the fuel embracing the fire inside me, allowing the flames to burn a little brighter and stoking the engine that provides me with my sensation of power. I do not feel delight,I do not feel joy, I will replicate the way you look in order to make you think that I feel them, but as I hear your fuel-laden words as they break upon my ears, all that I feel is power. Power than I cause you to feel so elated when you call out to me from another room or speak down the telephone to me on repeated occasions throughout the day. When I hear your shouted insults, the waves of fuel wash against my ears, emotion-laden labels which do not perturb me, unless I choose to feign that I do, in order to provoke you further. I hear the sound of birdsong, I hear the sounds of a cheering crowd and I hear the first strains of a piece of music that appeals to me, yet none of those things comes to close to making me feel the way I do when you shout, cry, laugh, scream, moan and sigh because of me. Your words of praise move me through the gracing of power far more than the strings of a famous orchestra. Your words of scorn generate a far greater reaction for me than the roar of a crowd as my team scores the winning goal.

When I taste, I taste so much more than the food in my mouth or the drink I have just taken a swig of. You bought me that drink and imbued within that mug of coffee or glass of beer I can taste your interest, your appreciation and your affection. Your empathic print is on all that you say and do, your actions and words are embodied in the cake that you baked for me. I tell you the slice you have cut for me is delicious and of course it is, you are an excellent baker, but what I really taste is the care and attention you dedicated to me as you made that cake for me. Every meal you place before me may taste of different ingredients but the one which always tastes finest to me is the emotion that you have imbued it with. Whether it is a lovingly prepared three course dinner or a slammed down plate of spaghetti bolognaise, the emotion you imbue into those meals always tastes better than the meals themselves.

When I smell that delightful fragrance I feel once more the power rising inside me as I latch on to the fuel that you provide to me. Your action in putting on that scent which I have told you is my favourite goes far beyond the pleasant smell of jasmine or sandalwood. The fragrance tells me how you want me to be pleased by your wearing it, how you wish to smell attractive for me and thus I am empowered by your action as my nose senses the fragrance. The smell of freshly laundered clothing or bedding, that clean scent is imbued with you caring for me, attending to my washing and the housework and once again the smell of this act of kindness, of affection and of caring provides me with the fuel that I crave. Even when I tell you that I no longer like a certain perfume you wear, in order to provoke a reaction from you, when you wear it as an act of defiance, you provide me with yet more fuel from this act which is encapsulated in the scent. When you stand fuming, cigarette in hand, the smell of the smoke contains your anger, your irritation and it smells as sweet to me as a blossoming rose might to you.

When I hold your hand and I feel your pleasure in me taking your hand in mine, the fuel flows once again. As I feel your skin beneath my fingers, I know that the emotions that erupt as I do so will fuel me further. From my lips against your lips through to moving inside of you, I feel as anyone would, but I feel so much more because I feel your emotion through my touch and your touch upon me. The emptiness that consumes me acts with the power of a huge black hole which sucks all the emotion you exude into me. When I feel your touch upon me, the fuel flows once again and you allow the simmering flames to rise higher because of the light application of your fingers on the nape of my neck. The pressure of your arms about me as you hug me tightly signifies the deep-seated love and affection which you have for me. It powers through me, invigorating and awakening, providing me with the power that I need to keep on doing that which I must do.

The sting of your hand as it slaps my face, punishment for another of my transgressions as I sought out the touch of another outside our relationship, will hurt my face, I am after all human in the physical sense at least. The sting that you have left however is readily dwarfed by the surge of power I feel inside me at your emotion-filled violence towards me. Touch me, stroke me, hold me, strike me, push me and pull me, it all amounts to a connection between you and I that sends the fuel flowing from you to me. When I no longer tolerate the affectionate and intimate touches, I crave instead for the terrified grab of my arm or the defensive shove to keep me away from you. I may no longer want you to hold my hand, kiss me or place a delicate hand upon my brow, instead I will welcome the physical manifestation of your anger, your frustration and your fear.

Everything that you say and do will be absorbed through my senses, what I see in you, what I hear you say, what I taste, what I smell and what I feel from your touch, they all provide conduits for me to gather fuel. I am a vast machine which is sucking the emotion from you through all of my five senses in order to try to fill this immense emptiness inside me. You make my senses come alive, albeit it for one purpose and this happens in a way that causes the sensations you feel from the use of your senses to pale by comparison. You truly fill up my senses.

76 thoughts on “What Fuel Feels Like To The Narcissist

  1. Melissa says:

    What causes some of the narcissists to think they are an empath? Is it because they mistake the warmth of power as love and injury as hurt?

    Your work is amazing. I just discovered this week and read 2 of your books cover to cover. I’m blown away that you explained the past 6 years of my life in a few paragraphs. I am tempted to send the mid ranger one of your books, but it will likely result in more denial and rage.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See ‘Angels With Dirty Faces’.

  2. jenna says:

    I don’t understand the difference between positive fuel that an empath needs and one that a narc needs. Does anyone have the answer?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Empaths do not need fuel, only narcissists do.

      1. Jenna says:

        HG thank you. But I feel empaths need positive fuel too – to be loved, cared for, company, praise from loved ones etc.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No because fuel is required to fuel a construct, the empath does not have such a thing, therefore it is not fuel. I understand why you may think this but it is unhelpful to think an empath requires fuel, they do not.

          1. Jenna says:

            Thank you.
            “fuel is required to fuel a construct”
            This makes it a little easier to understand for me. Narcs have a construct. They need to keep it running. Fuel keeps it running. It is validation that they are indeed the facade that they present. (I’m thinking aloud with the info you gave me.)
            Empaths don’t have a construct. We don’t need to keep the non construct running. Therefore we don’t require fuel. But then why do we require validation?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Usually because your self-flagellation means you fear or are concerned you might have offended, not pleased, caused a problem (the degree of this varies so we are talking broad brush here) so it’s not validation of you per se but rather confirmation that everything is okay.

          3. Jenna says:

            Thank you HG.

          4. LC says:

            HG, you say ” it’s not validation of you per se but rather confirmation that everything is okay.” What if validation is needed to keep the self-flagellation (that would ‘naturally’ occur at bay. Is it then fuel? To explain where I’m coming from with this : I used to think I’m the narc because I needed this kind of validation. (Much less now, am almost self-sufficient, meaning I changed and thus can’t be the narc)…

          5. HG Tudor says:

            No, it is not fuel.

          6. Jenna says:


            Your IG is private now. How can I see your posts? I don’t want to make an account because I would be too tempted to spy on the MMRN. I guess I know the answer. I can’t see your posts. Oh well.

          7. shesaw says:

            The things Jenna mentioned (the need to be cared for, to be loved, attention, understanding etc) are basic human needs.
            The difference with fuel seems to me that fuel = those same needs deprived of empathy.

            Empaths/normals are open to experience those needs and enjoy the fulfillment of them.
            Originally triggered by childhood abuse, narcissists tend to see this human inter-dependency as a weakness (they experience a lack of control) and therefore they have developed a way to rationalise those needs and turn them into ‘things’ to get (not to give, as they have not learnt how to) through manipulation and control. In the process, they sadly enough lost the capacity for self-empathy, too, which explains their dependence on others to sooth them (the dragon bites itself in the tail: the desire to be free from needs creates another need).

            Self-flagellation in empaths is the result of a lack of lack of self-empathy which often goes hand in hand with a strong focus on the needs of others (we unconsciously believe that by being nice -sorry, PSE!- to others, we will reduce our feelings of worthlessness. We then fail ourselves, feel worthless again, and need others to say it’s OK. Another tail-biting dragon).

            We can learn to be less harsh on ourselves (reduce self-flagellation), by identifying the internalised critical voice (in most cases coming from our caregivers) and consciously replacing it for a soothing one. One that has empathy and that is validating and encouraging, instead of judging us for not reaching what we ‘should’.

            Thinking about this makes me wonder if this is what narcissists need too, essentially. Narcissists try to reduce feelings of worthlessness, too – maybe not by trying to be nice, but by aiming higher (it’s never enough). What if that other, higher mountain isn’t conquered, HG?

          8. Jenna says:


            Your points make sense. Thank you for sharing that.

          9. LC says:

            Hg you say “No, it is not fuel.” What is it then? “Just validation” to keep you functioning in the face of self – devaluation, is that not fuelling?

          10. HG Tudor says:

            Fuel is an emotional response provoked by the actions/words of the narcissist. Please see the book, Fuel.

          11. LC says:

            Hi HG, I posted a longer question here ages ago with reference to your book, I keep returning to see if there’s an answer. I know how busy you are – this is why all I want to say now is that I hope you’ll write an article on the subject empath “fuel” vs narc fuel – because you do call it fuel what empaths “need” (to a lesser degree) in your book and I am assuming that your concepts have developed. I know for sure that I was very dependent on external validation, except it required therapeutic intervention to become fully conscious of this. I assume that the degree to which this is the case varies across the “empathic spectrum”.

            Loved your talk on the telesummit!

          12. HG Tudor says:

            Glad you enjoyed it.

          13. A383 says:

            HG, this conversation thread right here – your insight into the minds of empaths and codependents is what sets your apart. It is beyond accurate x

          14. HG Tudor says:

            I am obliged A383, thank you.

        2. NarcAngel says:

          Hi Jenna
          I know what you mean and I think I have previously questioned the same thing. What I now think the difference is, is that fuel is required to operate something. We do not require anything to operate as we already have all that we need. We may wish for or want the things you listed to enhance our experience but our survival does not depend on them. Narcissists are not equipped with all that we have so they build a construct to survive. They believe fuel is required to maintain that construct efficiently. We can still operate with what we have, but they do not believe they can, so fuel is a requirement for them and not the enhancement it is for us from their point of view. Make sense? If that is inaccurate I trust HG will correct me.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Remember most of our kind do not know of this need, it is an unconscious need.

          2. NarcAngel says:

            Most are not aware as you are and it is driven by the narcissism. An important reminder. Thank you.

          3. Jenna says:


            This helps very much. I always thought we need fuel also (positive fuel). But for us it is not a requirement, but rather an enhancement. Makes perfect sense. Thank you.
            Btw, did you check out that Dr. Carmen, or whatever her name is? I would love to read your opinion!

        3. LC says:

          HG, I’ve read “Fuel”, and now that I’ve reread it, the question remains (perhaps I need more pointers or you’ve changed the concepts somewhat).

          In Fuel, you refer to Otto Fenichel and define it as a “type of admiration, interpersonal support or sustenance drawn by an individual from his or her environment and essential to their self-esteem.” You go on to say that we need fuel too, except not in the same amounts, and that we do not exist for the sole reason of gathering fuel. You also say you don’t quite know how obsessed we might be about our fuel – you however are obsessed with it / addicted to it to maintain the construct – this, in turn, is needed to keep the creature in check.

          You’ve told me yourself that I am not the/a narcissist but I also understand that I used to have an extreme need of some type of fuel to keep self-flagellation under control. Self-flagellation (“you’re not ok”) would be my creature (aka “maternal introject”). Not so very different then from the reason why you say narcs need fuel.

          So why wouldn’t it be helpful to think of whatever (certain) empaths need to not self-flagellate as fuel? What am I missing? What is your word now for whatever it is we need?

          Or is it the nature of the creature that is different and therefore needs different types of sustenance to be silenced?

          Sorry if this is annoying truth seeking…

          1. HG Tudor says:

            It is to avoid confusion. The clearest way to look at it is that we need Fuel, you need a form of ‘fuel’ but since you are not narcissists, it is lightyears apart in difference and to avoid confusion it is better not to refer to you needing ‘fuel’ in any form and for that to remain the preserve of narcissists alone.

    2. nunya biz says:

      Thank you for starting the conversation, jenna, it is helpful to me.

      1. Jenna says:

        Nunya Biz,

        I’m not getting all notifications but lucky I checked this page manually. You are very welcome😊

  3. András says:

    I found your blog because I was really interested in what it FEELS like to be a narcissist – every other source on the subject tends to treat narcissists as a de-humanised threat to fend off; however, I prefer to understand, even (and especially) my enemies. I specifically wanted to know what fuel feels like, and this post was pretty much what I’ve been looking for. Thank you for that!

    The feeling of negative fuel is pretty much completely alien to me. However, finding delight in the love and care of another person is pretty familiar to me. I’m sure non-narcissists also take pleasure in knowing that someone loves and cares for them, and enjoy the little manifestations of love and care. What do you think sets your kind apart? Can it be that you aren’t moved or touched by the other person’s love as the rest of us are, but it fills you with some cold sense of power?

    Are you ever moved or touched? Feel warm inside? Feel deep appreciation, gratitude, and a sense that someone else has power over you, which you are willing to let them have?

    Thank you in advance for your reply!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am neither moved nor touched.
      I feel the warmth, indeed the searing heat of power but not the warmth empaths refer to.
      Occasionally there is the sense of another seeking to exert power over one, it is called the effect of wounding or Challenge Fuel and no, they cannot have power over me.

  4. Whitney says:

    I would have never slapped him. I was scared to even touch him. To even speak.

  5. princesssuperempath says:

    Regarding Negative Fuel: It does have benefits in life. Balancing Positive and Negative pushing and pulling. Like in sports, one must have a desire to defeat the opposing team, even if you shake hands after the competition (I was an excellent pitcher in youth softball growing up, but could not overcome my emphatic desire for the batter to hit the ball, and so I would throw them good pitches to hit). Of course I had to be removed from that position of pitcher. But, I had success in other sports where I did not have to face the opposing teammate too much. Negative fuel is necessary, In talent competition and in the arts, etc. To be told that you can not and are not smart enough or pretty enough, or dedicated enough, or disciplined enough, for this or for that. and that such and such can not be done, or can not be done by you. To give up or to push forward, has to be decided. To do better and not just loaf about. Women compete for men and vice versa. Until they give up. One competes for jobs, for health, for information and knowledge and for clients. Until one gives up. One tries to shape the world in one’s own image, as much and in as many ways as possible. Negative fuel even from society can spur one on to excel. It is the understanding of and the managing of the love of, or the accepting of the negative needs–that is the challenge. To negotiate for oneself a workable balancing of one`s negative needs in one’s lifestyle and society, is a much more difficult and grueling and battle-worthy and lengthy enterprise, than balancing out the positive ones.

  6. DoForLuv says:

    This gives much insight , very proud of you HG that you could paint this perfect picture off how You and your kind feel when being Fueled . Understand/knowing and actually being able to explain it is a huge accomplishment. This is very much Appreciated.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you

  7. princesssuperempath says:

    Dearest HG: When I used to buy the Mid Ranger “simple“ lunches and snacks, 3 times a week for about 2 years, until he started devaluing me, I could physically feel what he felt regarding my literal fuel and as well as my emotional fuel provision. That he was pleased at my thoughtfulness. So, I would boost my purchases. I knew instinctively that he noticed every single detail of what I brought to him, and I felt very good about it all. I would make sure that the paper bags and all packaging were nice. I would hover over those preparing his sandwiches to make sure the bread was healthy and toasted just right, and the greenest lettuce was used and such. That they would double insulate any hot sandwich, etc. ~~~~The food preparers were very irritated by me. I would labor to find the healthiest drinks and smoothies and would sample them first to know exactly what he was tasting (some healthy stuff tastes nasty, and I could not deliver to him anything like that). I started buying my own thick, white paper bags and luxury paper napkins for his lunches, and switched it out with the ordinary bags etc. and I added the best and tastiest fresh fruit and vegetable chips and homemade organic cookies and such. And carbonated drinks sweetened with raw honey and stevia. It was quite a production. I ran all over town in NYC and all over the place to find the staples for his lunches. It took a great amount of work to give him these “simple“ lunches and snacks. But, I knew he would see all that labor in such a simple gesture. It was my way of touching him, as a NIPSS. ~~~~(Triangulation) A woman that competed with me for his attention started bringing him food as well. In bad and sometimes crumpled paper bags and ugly plastic bags, and everything sort of thrown in haphazardly, with unhealthy basic food stuff with high fructose corn syrup, etc. I was silently appalled with the contrast that I knew he could see. I liked her at that time, but I was way too competitive for him to help her out. At some point, she started to bring him healthier food, and I would see him with some of it at his desk, but it was often the healthy stuff that tastes bad. (I had sampled some of the things she brought him during my investigations. Yuck). ~~~~HG, I can/could actually feel a lot of what he felt in many ways and scenarios. But, I have stopped my focus on all of that now. I am still disengaging. HG, you once mentioned that some of us were on our way to becoming narcissists, but were waylaid. I hope you talk more about this, in the fullness of time. ~~~~HOWEVER, I do not get fuel from the negative. When he first subtly silent treated me, and first gaslighted me, and when I first noticed without a doubt that he deliberately tried to make me jealous and triangulated me as well…It was the beginning of the end for me. Nausea entered into the fog, that I was living in. A lot of the fog I loved tremendously, and I even turned the dial a little higher up on the fog machine, at times. But, when he knew for sure, I was in love with him, (he even told me that I loved him and would never hurt him), I guess I bored him at that point, and his behaviour changed towards me, but the effect was that I lost energy/fuel over it all, to keep running around and spending money, and all the adoration. It hurt me more than it hurt him, that I stopped the lunches and all the fawning over him. He is quite popular. And, I loved doing it. I stopped the lunches some months ago (I told him I had tax money problems and some licensing issues…which was the truth, but of course it was not the whole truth and nothing but the truth. ~~~~ Somehow I found myself on youtube (your piercing, focused, confident and mesmerizing voice was able to cut through the fog and address my emotional thinking for some reason, and from youtube, I came here to Narcsite, and here, I started reading all your articles, especially the ones on emotional thinking). ET: It is sort of extra terrestrial, isn’t it. ~~~~I never enjoyed the negative things he did. I do not like negative fuel from a beloved. Maybe that is where some, if not most, of the divide exists. I can not endure negative fuel from a beloved one, at all. From an outside enemy, I will enthusiastically and viciously and with extreme anger, fight to the death, but not a beloved one. From a beloved one, negative fuel and devaluation kills me. I have to remove myself in such a case, and from any and all such beloved persons who want to devalue me, if and when at all possible. People have free will to devalue whomever they choose. I have to exercise my free will, when located, to remove myself from their decisions, as wisely as possible, and as much as possible, until something gives.

    1. jenna says:

      Hi PSE,

      Why are people bringing this guy lunch in the first place? Does he request it?

    2. FYC says:

      PSE, Have you read HG’s “Chained”? It might help you. It further explains why some people on their way to narcissism are interrupted and become CoD. Your lunch scenario sounds more CoD. All empaths enjoy giving. Just make sure the recipient is worthy, you give freely, and your giving supports your own independent cause on your terms. Do not seek approval. Your worth is intrinsic. Approval is irrelevant. A healthy person will appreciate you for who you are, not what you do for them.

  8. Kim e says:

    Hello all,
    HG, can photos of the N being sent to a SIPSS be considered comfort crumbs?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Depends on what is in the photographs, how many are sent and how often they are sent.

      1. Kim e says:

        The photos were of him in his army uniform just shoulders up. He had military drill the last weekend and sent them (2 of them) to me. First time I have ever received any photos of him

        Thank you

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I do not regard this as comfort crumbs.

          1. Kim e says:

            If the photos are not comfort crumbs are they just what they are…Photos?
            I always believe that a N does nothing without a reason. What could that reason be HG?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            They are hoovers of course.

          3. Kim e says:

            Why would he need to hoover me with photos if we have been talking for weeks? Passive hoover? Control? Ever presence? I am sorry HG. Having a hard time wrapping my head around this one.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            For fuel of course. There has been a Hoover Trigger and the HEC has been met.

  9. J.G THE ONE says:

    Hello, H.G.Tudor.
    Speaking of the emptiness felt by the narcissist.
    I had never known before the need for emotional attention, for me this was totally unknown, perhaps because of my very low level of these needs. Now with understanding this surprises me.
    The other day, a small bird callus from its nest. And we decided to take it and raise it manually otherwise its life would be extinguished.
    All normal while he was being fed, the bird filled his crop. But note one surprising thing. The bird wouldn’t stop chirping and claiming food. His crop was completely full, but he kept claiming more and more food. His hunger was insatiable, he chased the syringe back and forth. As if he had not eaten even though he had been fed copious food. Indeed, the bird had not really eaten, the food had been deposited in its crop but it had not passed into its stomach. This reminded me, to narcissism, they are fed with great amounts of emotional attention but for some unknown reason it is deposited somewhere and you are not able to digest it or feed on it. Your hunger for fuel is insatiable like a hungry bird you are, you are full of food but you are not conscious.
    Although we already know, Tudor in narcissistic disorder are more complex things. This simile of emptiness and its need for fuel was extremely enlightening to me.

    1. J.G THE ONE says:

      Hello, H.G.Tudor.
      Here I come with a recommendation for all readers and active participants of this blog. For a better understanding of this disorder and The BEAVER film directed by Jodie Foster and written by Kyle Killen 2011
      You don’t really and obviously go down the street with a beaver in your hand. But obviously the narcissistic disorder is very similar and similar to the movie. You have that inner voice that judges and devalues you constantly and without this “beaver” façade you would collapse.
      I think this movie is very recommendable to see and understand much better this personality disorder.
      I think it is fundamental to make the closing.
      Because for the victims they don’t manage to de-idealize their narcissists easily since they don’t see why neither the facade nor the narcissistic thought (the beaver) is tangible, but deep down they are what mistreated and immature children are, who took refuge behind an imaginary friend who devoured them. People totally dysfunctional because of this maturation disorder.
      This catalogued as dramatic comedy, although for people who have lived it in their own flesh, is a pure misfortune. Simply devastating.

      1. Sarah Jane says:

        Many thanks for these posts.

  10. WhoCares says:


    You describe the numerous ways in which you extract fuel from us quite exquisitely – yet clinically. It is interesting; though it’s done to share the narcissistic perspective and I do appreciate your ability to do so because you are so effective at conveying this.
    With regard to details and descriptions of our physiological and emotional response to physical intimacy; I could catalogue the same responses you do (although, no one actually does in moment do they? as body parts and brains are moving along too fast…) but the difference is that I take note of such things in order to delight in the ‘otherness’ of my partner – not to confirm the effect of my actions to provoke feeling in another. I take the supposed emotional responses and physiological reactions in the other person as confirmation that they are feeling similarly and we are ‘in synch’ – not so much that we are in ‘love’ – but that we are both delighting in the same shared experience.

    It is weird: my brain interprets the whole experience to mean that your engagement at the same level of intimacy indicates that you’ve lowered your barriers long enough to let another into your inner world through the act of sexual intimacy.

    And your brain interprets the exchange, and resulting lowered barriers, as conquest and confirmation of the power to affect another so deeply – and on so many levels – as is confirmed by the fuel flowing your way and it’s resulting feeling of power (all while never actually lowering any barriers of your own.)

    *Sigh*…I don’t think I’ll ever have sex the same way again…

  11. Whitney says:

    HG thank you for explaining Fuel. I’ve been trying to understand lately why you like negative fuel.

    A man asked me on a date yesterday and I said “No- I don’t want to”. His painful expression is etched into my memory and haunts me now. My worst pain is to have power over someone and hurt them.🥀 😩

    I would not understand people or myself if it weren’t for you HG. I am confused and reading every single one of your works 😊

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am pleased to have assisted.

    2. Claire says:

      Makes sense Whitney. I got into a heated verbal exchange in a tense situation at work two weeks ago. (First time ever) I basically was pushed to the edge and lashed out to who was pushing.. I was barely treading water and in the midst of critical things. She backed off. I understood for a brief second the relief associated with giving it to someone. But—I also immediately recognized it made people uncomfortable. Yes, I was right to say F off (I didn’t say it quite that way) but the way I did it was inappropriate and I apologized to everyone. My co-worker and I would never have walked away with bitter feelings—we hugged and laughed a few hours later. The problem was the impact on others by my lashing publicly at someone. I work with lots of young ones who look at me as a role model. Well I sunk the ship and I can’t ignore that so “negative fuel” just doesn’t work for me.. I can’t be a shithead and not recognize or feel bad. I’m glad I’m not a full blown narcissist but I envy the lack of accountability at times.

      1. Claire. It happens. I was in a crowd talking at work in the hallway, a while back, and another woman passed through and said, it is really crowded in the company these days. She triggered me, for some reason. The word Crowd has negative connotations, usually. She walked on by. Once she was out of earshot, I said to her: when you are fired from this company, it will be less crowded. Of course she could not hear me, but the group looked at me and some said things to me like: Wow. You threw shade. It is not like you–and they laughed. I said to the group: She could have said, excuse me, or good afternoon, as she passed through us. She did not have to say it is getting crowded in the company. However, I then realized they had an opinion of me that was way softer than how I really am. Sometimes that is okay. We seem more relatable, I think, as long as it is an isolated event. We are not idiots. 🙂

      2. Whitney says:

        Claire of course you are not a full blown narcissist or anything similar. Narcissists feel GOOD when they upset others! It is normal to have arguments, disputes, or disagreements, and to not always be perfect in the moment.

        1. Claire says:

          I just saw this–a month later. Interestingly the comment/reminder of how they feel good when they upset others is so foreign to me. This week at my work has been extremely upsetting. I actually ordered HG’s work package simply because I was having a hard time figuring out what I was seeing if that makes sense. All of a sudden there was all this discord and chaos.. Essentially a big eruption of horrible behavior has been discovered. It is law suit worthy and it is absolutely appalling that some people behaved in the manner they did. Why? It makes me sick that by upsetting others they “get off on it.” Thankfully I’m not involved, although it has been revealed to me in this situation that several people I felt close to are probably narcissists. Women. I have worked with these women for four years but the behavior is so abhorrent that it can’t be accidental or just because. Basically there was a group targeting one person in particular for months and the text messages have been revealed to be absolutely derogatory and inappropriate. Normal people do not do this and I would imagine this sort of behavior (bullying in a covert fashion) creates a lot of thought fuel. I actually have a social event planned with one of the women and I absolutely cannot bring myself to spend one minute with her because she sickens me. Knowing that she felt good to constantly berate and demean someone. I can have spurts of being kinda mean and make comments about hair/clothes, etc. I don’t feel good about it in the same way—I kinda feel like an ass that I have the thoughts.

    3. Whitney. You never know what you may have missed, or will thankfully miss in the future, by taking your time and being very choosy. A guy that I do not know, at the gym, told me I was not working out correctly and asked me for my phone number so we could work out together. I told him I was uncomfortable giving out my number. He is super good-looking. I am average looking, and above average on certain days, so standard good looking guys feel safe trying to talk to me, but I am never impressed about this. So he puts his number on my towel and water bottle and leaves. I later put the number in my gym bag, but then I forgot about it. 2 weeks later I ran into him at the gym. Remember Whitney, I do not know this guy. He practically yelled at me and asked why I did not call him, and that he was going to take me to dinner and that he had cleaned his apartment for me. I was shocked! But, I said softly to him that I move slowly and did not agree to call him and that I am more or less a bit on the shy side. He told me he was too busy to play my games, and then he stalked off to talk to some female acquaintances that I was talking to at the gym, while saying to me that my friends were more of his type anyway, in a parting shot. I was shocked again. Thankfully, they did not agree to go out with him. I did not and would not interfere if they chose to. They have free will and choice, but it would have been awkward for me to face his hostility while he dated a friend in there. He hates me in his eyes. For, some reason he finally stopped showing up. Whew. Imagine. He had presumptuously thought I not only would go out with him away from the gym, but that I would be in his apartment for who knows what. Wow. Go slowly with people, Whitney. Time is your friend. Time will prevent some hurt. Remember, people hurt and feel hurt for many reasons. Some hurt, because they did not get the chance to kill you, one way or the other. I am not exaggerating. Whitney, Let Them Hurt.

      1. Whitney says:

        Princess Super Empath 👸✨ that was lovely to read, thank you. That is a shocking experience. You know it is only a reflection on him and his shaky grandiosity. I am glad that dangerous man has left your gym. You sound like a beautiful lady inside and out. 🧚

        Men do not ask me out. Except grandiose Narcissists, or men with social impairments. This man had social impairments.

        After I saw his painful expression I worried it might have been important to him or something he was waiting to do. And I imagined the effect on his self-esteem. I should have said No in a more flowery way.

        I have seen my friend get asked out by so many men. She doesn’t say no. She uses them for help. She says yes when she means no. She likes the attention and affirmation. I find it annoying, a waste of everyone’s time. And I thought “if a man asks me out, I will just say no”.

        1. princesssuperempath says:

          Whitney. ~~~~ I believe Narc men hunt more. That is why you run into them more. You are not the first nor last woman they will ask out. It is not really a compliment nor an insult to be asked out by Narcs. It just is. Normal men you will meet as you go more deeper into your hobbies and interests and possibly your friendships and introductions and your career/careers over time. Normal men are a little more reserved in chasing women. Nevertheless, and even then, going slowly should weed out most of all the psychos. And psychos also have feelings and they hurt too: So what. ~~~~I used to be hard on women, in my mind privately, that dated so much and said yes so much, but I finally had to realize that I have been lucky in being always able to take care of myself and support myself. It was a while before I noticed how unusual that was as a female, in general. Even now, some women are upset when they find out I rent my own apartment and live alone in Manhattan in NYC, so I rarely mention it. ~~~~ 95 percent of the world’s wealth is held by men (that’s a lot, is it not?). And of the only 5 percent of wealth that is held by women, the majority of those 5 percent of women have their wealth through marriage and marriage/divorce. So with this reality, men are understandably viewed as a way out to most women. I never looked at men like that, but then I joined a private Facebook group on a whim, and started to listen to many women and how they felt about their financial and therefore social standing on this planet, and how they would age into poverty if they did not find a stable man and wealthy for their lives, and so these women were on a serious mission of dating and using men`s prosperity in many ways and to better themselves by using men and their money in many ways, in their opinion. ~~~~It is not a good state of affairs, but I could not offer them a better way of life, that is not a fairy tale so I was mostly quiet in that group site, and just read the postings. So, I am very glad that you are lucky enough to be able to say no, when you feel that no, is the right thing to say. I found that many women do not feel they have that “luxury.“ I rarely go to that private Facebook group anymore, because there is so much bad advice going on in there Whitney, that your hair would catch on fire, and thus, I can not take it anymore, especially now, after listening to and receiving all the good advice I have read here, being on Narcsite. And a lot of the advice and conversations on here apply beneficially to so many areas of this life, as well.

          1. Whitney says:

            Hi Princess 👸 Super Empath, thanks for sharing with me. Interesting ideas! I didn’t realise men held that wealth. I am happy for my friend to snatch some! I guess it makes the guy feel manly? Even though she isn’t interested in him?
            Ok I went on date now 🤗 my friend said “hopefully he’s not a Narc”. So far every guy I like/ likes me is a psychopath.

          2. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

            Whitney. He may be interested in her for the wrong reasons. We do not know. But, always tell her to go slowly. That works out very well. And that goes for you as well, Whitney. ALWAYS GO SLOW WITH THESE GUYS. Also the more you learn when you go slow, and then you ask H.G. about them. If you do not have enough information to ask H.G. about them, then you do not know them, and should not let them rush you.

          3. Whitney says:

            Yes Princess Super Empath, HG is our Saviour. He saved my life and ended years of confusion. I cannot believe he is here to protect us.
            I really liked this guy, and we had a great time together. He said we had so much in common. We talked about doing things together like kayaking, rock climbing, traveling. But he’s mentioned another girl maybe 4 times since I’ve known him. His ex who is just a friend and has a baby. She smokes weed, she did speed. Anyway. After our really good date he’s been aloof to me 🙁 And she is back from being away. I think he loves her 🙁

  12. WiserNow says:

    Reading this makes me feel both a bit creeped out and sad at the same time.

    It’s sad because all the emotions that a narcissist doesn’t feel or know from their own self or their own senses feels like a loss to me. The way it feels to me is as though my ability to see in colour was turned off and now I can only see in tones of gray without knowing what the colours really are.

    It’s creepy because it feels very strange too. I’ve never felt this need to gain power from someone else’s emotions, so it’s difficult to relate to or imagine. When comparing this article to my own experience of sensual feeling or emotions, I feel that my own senses and emotions have always just sprung automatically from my own inner self.

    Wonderfully descriptive article HG! It really makes the narcissist’s experience and motives clear.

  13. Life Outside says:

    Are you jealous of the ocean’s generosity?
    Why would you refuse to give
    this joy to anyone?

    Fish don’t hold the sacred liquid in cups!
    They swim the huge fluid freedom.

  14. Persephone says:

    Felt like I was reading this for the first time.
    I might be getting far enough out of pain to take it in more clinically.Your (HG) feeling, more that the pain that caused me to know what my narc was feeling when he interacted with me.
    It is tough to not take it personally when someone is feeding off your emotions.

    HG, have you taken time to not be in contact with other people; to experience your own company? Do you like yourself, if you have ever even thought about it?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I have.
      I have an excellent conceit of myself thank you.
      I need fuel but I am able to spend periods of time on my own.

      1. Persephone says:

        That caused me to nearly spray coffee! I’m still learning from you. I wouldn’t have equated a conceit of yourself with liking, but okay.
        I like you because you are intelligent, truthful, and communicate well. And probably because I’ve learned so much from you.
        This would not apply IRL, I would guess.
        Thank you for your answer.
        And thanks for giving me the education to identify and avoid other narcissists.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you and you are welcome.

    2. Sarah Jane says:

      Like a Virgin. Touched for the very first time.

      I swear Madonna was singing about her narcissist, back in the 80s.

      ‘You made me feel shiny and new” 🎶

  15. amanda SNapchat says:

    What is “this immense emptiness inside me” ?

    With the first narc I met (I think was a lower somantic narc…super hot tho) after finishing a phone call with him, I felt very empty inside. I wanted to meet people urgently. I can;t explain it. But I started dating random people to fill that void. It was a very weird feeling. it took me time to get it out of my system. My work no longer satisfied. everything was boring. Has this happened to anyone else? It was like the narc passed his feelings onto me. I can’t explain it. It has only happened with him. It lasted several months. Not sure what happened.

    btw HG sorry I am figuring out how to have a paypal account without my full name. I will work on it to hire your services. I like to be private.
    Have a wonderful day. Thank you for your hard work.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If you wish Amanda I can invoice you and you can pay with a credit or debit card. I do not see your details.

    2. Sarah Jane says:

      Yes Amanda, I can relate to that. There is a void that needs to be filled.

  16. Christopher Jackson says:

    Damn no wonder you said goso, when you know you go… once again very descriptive I appreciate that. Great peice hg

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  17. Claire says:

    Beautifully written HG. It impresses me that you don’t miss details—even down to jasmine and sandalwood. You essentially watch everything and don’t miss a beat.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      True – a combination of innate ability and training.

      1. GH says:

        HG thank you, the fuel feeling is explained with emotions…..we all want that fuel and call it a different name.

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