The Narcissist and Feelings
Feelings are an unnecessary burden and thankfully I have been relieved of many of them, being left only with those which are deemed necessary to enable me to pursue the harvesting of fuel. Feelings blur and weaken. How many times have you heard your alarm go off in the morning and you have rolled over feeling like you do not want to get up? Many times I should imagine. That feeling of apprehension about what the day holds for you, despondency at what has happened to you and dread about what you have to do weakens you and holds you back. You spend much of your life in the pursuit of this notion of happiness but are you ever truly happy? Do you look at what you have and wish you had more? Do you look at other people around you and imagine how happy they must be and you wish that you were more like them? All you achieve is bitterness. Perhaps you do feel happy but as the empath that you are you see those who you regard as less happy than you and you wish that they could be more like you. All you achieve is vanity. You spend so much of your time seeking to be happy and then you worry about whether it is fleeting in nature. You express concern that you just want to be happy and spend more and more time trying to achieve this state of nirvana. You suffer from feeling sadness which leads to paralysis and indecision. You feel frustrated which sucks up your energy and leaves you feeling spent. You take pride in your ability to feel and to be able to feel on behalf of others yet all you are doing is allowing yourself to be burdened. Why bother pursuing those feelings which are regarded as positive, such as joy, happiness and elation? Is the effort truly worth it when you get there only for it to be a fleeting moment which then casts you into despondency? What was the point of that? Why allow yourself to be mired in upset, misery and dejection? You achieve nothing as you slowly sink into a quagmire of such negativity. Your feelings deceive you, press down on you and above all else allow us to manipulate you. It is because you feel this array of emotions that you provide us with emotional reactions. Of course you know that these emotional reactions create my fuel. Your feelings are to blame.
I never acquired these feelings. This is because the pursuit of fuel cannot be distracted by these cumbersome emotions. They serve no purpose and thus were never developed. I am built for the acquisition of fuel and nothing else. I am an efficient design, single-minded and driven. All excess baggage was not jettisoned, it was never stowed on board to begin with. I am not wholly without feelings. I have been developed in a way to allow certain feelings, those that aid my purpose, to come to the fore. I feel fury which ensures that I can exert control over other people and thus extract fuel from them. I feel envy which drives me on to strip away those traits from other people which I need to create my construct. If I felt no envy, I would not want these characteristics – thus this feeling serves a purpose. There is no superfluous feeling connected with me. I feel jealousy which again causes me to strive to better that person by lauding my own achievements and prompting a reaction which garners positive fuel or by berating the person of whom I am jealous and thus I harvest negative fuel. I feel hatred. This allows me to see everything as it truly is. Hatred hones and brings into sharp focus the reality of this cruel world and thus I am better able to navigate my way through it. Hatred is visceral, it is not fluffy or amorphous. It does not cloud or blur. It is direct, straight to the point and electrifying in its capacity to allow me to always go forward. All of these feelings and ones of a similar nature have been fashioned around me to assist me in my quest for fuel. Each one discharges a method of enabling me to gather fuel so that I can feel the ultimate emotion. My pursuit of fuel is predicated on the use of these various emotions with the sole purpose of allowing me to feel that emotion which I prize above all others.
I feel powerful.
I am powerful.
21 thoughts on “The Narcissist and Feelings”
“Your hatred in itself is not ET, but responding to it by taking us on is ET. If you stay away because of that hatred, then you are applying logic from that hatred and it is not ET because staying away is the logical response for you.”
So I’ve had plenty of practice *not* acting on my hate – or whatever feelings I may hold – towards my narc. Most of the time I can rise above the feelings because of my learning here and no longer take his actions personally. However, as of late I’m worn down and I want to *hate* him – although, as I say this, I would never do anything directly to act on this feeling. And I’ve only ever expressed this sentiment outloud to one person in real life because I’m ultra conscious how I speak about him. Doesn’t erase the feeling though. Other than the recommendation not to unleash in at the narc – in your best estimation, what do you suggest an empath do with that feeling?
It needs to be channelled elsewhere and overtime the attempts by your ET to use your hatred for its purposes will reduce so that causes the hatred to reduce also to a point of zero impact.
Re: an empath’s hatred – thank-you, HG, for your answer and taking the time to reply.
Hello WhoCares. 🖐 I like to feel into my feelings. Writing them off or distracting oneself works only temporarily, so feelings should be dealt with IMHO. This happens over time. I don’t think we as empaths can change our feelings in one instance, we need to retrain our thought patterns.
Sitting in a quiet place and seeing what comes up as you recognise
1. What has set a feeling off
2. What other factors need considering or reconsidering so as to bring back the balance
3. Giving oneself some room to move if it will be beneficial, in the long term
Thank-for your comment.
“I like to feel into my feelings. Writing them off or distracting oneself works only temporarily, so feelings should be dealt with IMHO.”
I agree; other feelings I don’t mind doing this with. But hate is not one that I enjoy sitting with and it appears that I have distracted myself far too long from it and now it rears its ugly head. It is one of the last strong feelings that I feel with regard to my narc’s behaviour. And I can’t even take his actions personally anymore – since I know why he does what he does…
Specifically, I’m resentful of the legal system and how his abuse continues through it. I achieved a legal outcome that is much more in my favour than in his; he is now challenging it with better legal representation than he had before. I got my desired results fair and square through the legal system and he continues to – overtly – rewrite history and twist things; he is not even being honest with his own lawyer; so has recruited him (essentially) to fight a losing battle. He may gain some ground – temporarily – but in the long-term he will not gain what he wants because as I type he is providing evidence (through an objective third party) that will count against him in the future. He is shooting hinself in the foot – so to speak. But, the legal system being what it is requires that I defend my position – but I’m done, of course, it is resolved to *my* satisfaction and to the best outcome for the individuals involved…except him – because he is a narc.
And even though I, intellectually, know this, the unfairness of it all hits home – and it hits hard. Plus, it hits at a time when I need to gather all my strength to make big changes in my life – and it NEVER seems to fail that my narcs wreak havoc at these times. I have shown him many times that I can get on with my life – *without* him – and I work best under pressure – but I’m just so worn down that I just want to give in to the hatred; despite that it’s not at all who I am.
Narc noob – I love this:
“Sitting in a quiet place and seeing what comes up as recognise
1. What has set a feeling off
2. What other factors need considering or reconsidering so as to bring back the balance
3. Giving oneself some room to move if it will be beneficial in the long term”
It is sound advice and I have worked similarly through a lot of emotions with regard to my entanglement.
I simply don’t want my emotions to surround him and be in reaction to *his* doing anymore. But, naturally, he must provoke – and the only channel he has is through the courts. Logically I know all this.
So it is still the same principle: ignore and move on. Only, he won’t let me.
Thank-you Narc noob – sorry, I believe I took a (long winded) tangent but I do also believe that I have worked through some stuff.
Your not so tough without your leather strap-on are ya me love you long time
Hello Mr Tudor
I’d like to tell you a story about my boss. She is probably a narcissist. When I first met her I thought that she was a very honesty and good person but later I realised that she was a very good manipulator. We worked with commodity. Firstly she used to say that I did my work very well, that I was very smart worker. Later she began to accuse me of the disappearance of the goods. She used to say that I put it in a wrong place or I lost it. At first I thought that it was my fault. I was filled with remorse, I felt guilty. Each change counted a dozen or so people, everyone had access to the goods, but it always was my fault. One day I spread the goods on shelves and later she said that they couldn’t find a package and she was asking me where it is. I said “I don’t know, I spread a lot of goods every day I can’t remember it”. Then other worker checked it on the computer and it turned out that they already had sent this package to the costumer. In that moment I began to wonder if it was a provocation. Later I asked myself: “Why they haven’t fired me yet? If things get lost all the time and it is always my fault why they don’t want to fire me?” I had no idea. I started to observe my colleagues. They coasted all the time, most of them used to sit 1-2 hours a day doing nothing. When my boss came to work they started to followed her and adore her. Some of them used to sit in boss’s room and talk with our boss. These colleagues were treated better. I and other workers who didn’t adore her were treated worse. I had always a lot of work, so I used to work hard, they used to do nothing for 1-2 hours a day so they fell behind in work. My boss decided to increase the number of my duties and responsibilities to help my colleagues. She said that they needed help, they had too much work so I had to help them. When I started to help other workers I fell behind with my work. My boss was angry with me. “Why haven’t you done it yet?” , ” You should work faster”, “Why do you work so slow?” I was confused. I didn’t know who is right or who is wrong. My colleagues accused me of having the lightest tasks so they envied me, but in fact I worked very hard, I had to carry heavy packages every day. When I wanted to rest for a moment my colleagues complained about me to the boss and I was punished. The same situation was with other workers who didn’t adore her. They were punished while resting for a moment. I realised that my boss is unfair. Other workers who adored her could rest for an hour or 2 hours and they were not punished and she knew that they didn’t work. It was every single day. I came to the conclusion that she was a pathological liar. One day she said that she graduated University at the age of 37, a few days later she said that she graduated at the age of 50. I thought “is she crazy?” “Why doesn’t she remember it?” She lied often. I realised that I cannot trust her anymore. She was dangerous. I had to help others but she was angry when somebody wanted to help me even when I had a lot of work. I could see this fury in her eyes. Men watched me while carrying heavy things and they didn’t wanted to help me. She always told me to carry this packages, but she didn’t asked any man to help me. But later I had to help them because they were overworked. The last situation when she treated me so bad, was when she told me to sweep the floor, I did it and she was watching me while sweeping the floor and after a moment she said :” You haven’t done it” “I know you haven’t done it”. Now I know it was a gaslighting. I decided to leave work. I thought that it would not be better, it would be even worse. Now I think that it was a great decision. I’m happy :). I’m not an expert but I’d like to share with you my own interpretation. I think that she wanted to punish me for not adore her.Firstly she put me on pedestal and then she wanted to destroy me. Maybe she wanted to get rid of me because she felt wounded by not adoring her. It is only my interpretation.
Mr Tudor if you’d have some time to read this comment and maybe write what you think? (If you had time of course).
Hello, given the detail involved, providing you with my input is a matter best left for consultation.
Why build a car that can hit a speed of 130MPH and more when the speed limit is 70MPH?
It is Freedom Vs Rules.
Narcissist Vs Empath.
You’re free-thinking whereas we are bound by rules/fairytales/religion/a higher force watching over us. Can a Narcissist believe in God, though?
I think I was fed so much bullshit as a kid (santa, romance, fairytale, magic, dreams, religion, love). You can still be a decent person without all that.
It’s all man-made out of fear – to give us hope. We shouldn’t be feeling the need to strive, to be happy, to be whatever – because when someone sets a bar a challenge is born and I don’t think we’re here to compete.
You’re right that being a narc allows you to get what you want at any cost to others and therefore achieve certain things more quickly than an empathetic person. However, if an empathetic person is able to also master their emotions, have more control over how they respond and understand that everything is temporary including happiness; they would be able to protect themselves from narcs and connect with other people in genuine ways that enrich their nature and fulfill our natural mammalian need for team work, friendship, partner bonding etc.
It also depends on what matters to you. Loving and being loved authentically is what matters to an empathetic person as well as achieving within our niche <—- we are happy here. Where as a narc desires to manipulate others into loving them and giving them what they want. This is not fulfilling to an empathetic person who desires to connect to a small tribe of people that are able to genuinely understand and connect with them. Empathetic people want genuine connections and narcs are satisfied with fake arse lickers, so long as they are receiving attention. A narc does not have thick skin/resilience when It comes to dealing with rejection/disappointments in their relationships. You lot are basically stuck in the terrible two’s phase.
Hello, H.G. Tudor.
This morning several questions assault my mind, all related to fuel.
You say we go into devaluation, because our positive emotional fuel is reduced and of lower quality.
Is this a reality or a perception of yours? We already know that we have a specular perspective of events. The more attention you pay to them, the more your reaction is the opposite. This is caused by familiarity, tiredness and tedium.
Your hunting instinct, with our continuous emotional attention, your hunting instinct as predators and ceases to be attracting for you.
It reminds me very much of felines, the lioness never hunts a sick or wounded gazelle, but young inexperienced gazelles to be devourers. On the contrary, despite its initial energy expenditure it is easily exhausted. But he puts a great effort into the gazelles that he does not allow himself to be hunted at first.
Is this caused by the familiarity that finally engenders contempt or on the contrary is it caused by the empathetic?
According to your perspective how should the empathetic act in the golden age so that this in the best of cases would have been extended as long as possible?
I read a comment in which he describes the fuel.
Power = Depends on the place it occupies in empathic within the matrix circles.
Frequency = Time that is bathed in this emotional attention.
What does quality give or contribute?
As it would be for you, the perfect behavior of your only victim. Although of course this will only be a magical thought.
You could answer these questions…
1. The IPPS is always devalued because
a. If you provide lots of fuel and frequently it becomes stale – thus you are devalued ; it
b. If you (inadvertently) ration it so (a) does not occur, you are not providing it often enough or in sufficient quantities – thus you are devalued.
2. There is nothing you can do. You cannot second guess us. You cannot control that which is designed to be controlled. Thinking you can somehow do something which extends the golden period is emoitonal thinking. Moreover, when you are in the golden period, you do not know you are dealing with a narcissist (why would you?) unless you happen to have been ensnared a second time and you are reading my work at that point, even then, it is unlikely you will do anything because your ET will be so powerful in this golden period you will either not see what is going on, or if you happen to do so, you will fail to act on it. Your window of evasion will have closed.
When the E or Co-dependent feels hatred it’s branded as ET where-as the N gets handed the title of power when he feels it. Interesting.
Your feeling of hatred is a feeling. Our feeling of hatred is a feeling.
How you RESPOND when you experience hatred is as a consequence of ET if it causes you to got to war with the narcissist because that means you are breaching the first golden rule of freedom by engaging.
Responding to the feelings of hate by taking the Narc on, is an issue, yes I do get that.
What I don’t get is how the Ns feelings of hatred directed at us, don’t get classed as ET.
Because it is based on our logic. Hating you then means we are moved to either keep you away (if you are wounding us – thus preventing the wounding from occurring further, thus that is logical), provoking you further (an alternative if you are wounding us – thus gaining fuel to heal the wound caused by the wounding, thus that is logical) smearing you (so you are provoked and provide fuel AND your credibility is damaged in front of others – again both matters helping us and thus it is logical).
Your hatred in itself is not ET, but responding to it by taking us on is ET. If you stay away because of that hatred, then you are applying logic from that hatred and it is not ET because staying away is the logical response for you.
What comes first in your logic HG, the hate for ‘us’ or the need for fuel?
The need for fuel is a necessity, it there comes first. Fuel is the rule. Our hatred is a means of gaining fuel.
Thanks for this HG.
I’m at 4 years out.. every 4-6 months or so one of your posts resonates with me to the extent that I want the narc to know how much I hate her and mostly, how much I see her.
So I post on my Facebook publically quoting you and commenting, no names.
We have not spoken for 3 years.
Anyway, the last post I chose was how the narc listens. It was brilliant.
Within hours I was getting ‘failure to log on’ to my email notifications.
Regrettably I commented on my own post, stating that there was nothing they were or had that I wanted, that my post was for the broken empaths… Whoever, whenever.
The pinging did not stop. It persisted all times of the day and night for 6 weeks.
In hindsight I think I challenged her. My intention was to say.. Watch what you do because I’m waiting in the wings to catch that current supply, to mute their inevitable suicidal death wish.
And to communicate.. . you are the lowest most vile poor excuse for a human I ever did know.
I totally hate her.
I need to stop feeling responsible for those who follow me, but because I have not exposed her.. I feel it my responsibility to at least catch them as they crash out.
I recommend you organise a consultation with me.