A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 5

A LETTER TO THE NARCISSIST -MH'S LETTER

I don’t want to believe you are a narcissist. Your behaviour had me looking up manipulation and empathy and brought me to descriptions of narcissism that sound so much like the things you say and the way you compose yourself. Still I don’t want to believe it. I like to think you have enjoyed me as a person rather than just as a means to an end. Asking if you are a narcissist wouldn’t bring any good result if it’s so, and would only upset you if you aren’t. The last thing I want to do is upset you in any way.

I feel both relief and stress in the thought that you might be a narcissist. It would explain a lot of things that confused me and I feel less like these things might be my fault. I tried my best, but I’m not able to be what you wanted from me and I need to protect myself. I’ve sensed for a while that being with you is dangerous, and you showed me ways that I could not trust you when I really needed to. Safety and trust are so important. It feels like the fears and worries became too much and a light switch in my mind turned off. I still admire you, you still have my respect. I no longer want to be intimate with you. Please don’t take this as a criticism, I mean no insult. I genuinely care about you. I’m in your corner and will be the truest friend to you if you’ll allow me. I wish positive fuel would be enough for you. We share interests and enjoy similar tastes in art, music, humour, and more. I like to think our interactions were enjoyable for us both when we were friends. Please, let friendship be enough and grant me immunity if you have a need for negative fuel. Please don’t be the way that I fear you are… let me remain your friend.

I will not ask you if you are a narcissist, because I don’t need to know. I already know that there is a chance that you are, but it isn’t a certain thing. I can educate myself on the subject – learning what to expect and how my reactions might be interpreted by you if you are – but I don’t need a confirmation of it being true. I just hope we can return to the friendship that we once enjoyed. You are the one in control of whether or not to allow our friendship, please don’t make me feel like I need to withdraw more to protect myself.

26 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 5

  1. Jonann says:

    You can’t be friends.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Correct.

  2. beautifulmadness000 says:

    Hi HG

    Oh, I’ve tried this. I’m in the fallout zone right now. I broke the relationship off in February and, despite massive odds, thought we could at least remain friends. I was his best friend. He’d cheated on my with his ex, who then became his current IPPS again, while I willingly became the DLS. He moved back in with her while we were still together, making me the IPSS. They had a baby a few weeks ago. Throughout he told me he couldn’t live without me, and I believed him.

    What brought the entire thing crashing down, was my simple request for him to start to repay a large loan he’d promised he would honour. All I needed him to do was make arrangements that suited us both. What ensued was narcissistic rage on a massive scale. Those reading this blog have likely been through something similar at least once, so I’ll spare you the details.

    He treated me exactly the same way as a friend that he did as his IPSS and when I was his IPPS. There was no difference at all, except I have had time and distance enough to gain a new perspective.

    I understand it wasn’t about the money he owes me, it was the realisation he’d lost control of me because I’d also requested no further personal contact (due to the fact it set me back every time we talked).

    There is no such thing as being a friend to your narcissist former lover, post ensnarement, devaluation and discard. You have to save yourself because you cannot save that which you believed was most precious before.

    Controversially, I’ve decided on a route that will expose him now, as it’s my only hope of staying out/remaining no contact, and still seeing at least some of my money back. We’ll end up facing one another in court, but I’ve also named his wife as a co-Defendant (she knew about at least the initial lump sum loan as it also paid her son’s school fees and her mortgage). She’ll learn that I was his DLS/IPSS throughout the renewal of her own relationship with him.

    I’m waiting for the papers to be served and the other shoe to drop. I’m doing all I can to protect myself, but as he is a Lesser/Mid-Range Narcissist, I know it’s a dangerous time.

    Please don’t be fooled into thinking you can be friends readers. It’s impossible. You’ll get reeled back in if only to see a more disappointing, lesser golden period than you’re used to, but to feel the sting of devaluation and discard all over again just as much as it hurt the first time. GOSO is the ONLY way to go.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Your final paragraph is accurate indeed and should be heeded by readers.

    2. SMH says:

      Beautifulmadness, I totally get it. As a former SIPSS, I too tried to be friends with my narc (big mistake) and I too ended up outing him to IPPS (in a lame and cowardly way). He didnt discard me – I escaped. But I think that made it worse because some part of him felt rejected and he therefore struggled to regain control during the ‘friend’ period. Sounds like that is what happened with you too. Anytime you try to make your own decisions with a narc, the rage sets in. Good luck!

    3. Kelly says:

      I once loaned him money, but I was prepared not to be repaid. I knew he wouldn’t and I didn’t want to be disappointed and have to ask repeatedly. Even tho the request for the loan came with a whole promised payment plan. When I handed it to him I said, keep it.
      Sometimes I don’t ask questions because I already know the answer will come with a crap attitude.
      Each GP is weaker than the one before. I told him he really needs to lengthen them because the rest of the time can be draining.

  3. SJ says:

    MH,

    Did all this happen to you 50 years ago, because it’s very calm and tame? Either that, or with still little information/doubt about what they actually are hasn’t quite yet hit.

    A nice gesture though – wanting to be friends, but nooo. Being friends with a Narcissist is akin to Grey Rock during NC. The removed sex and intimacy is the removal of fuel – but they won’t see it that way. The tricks are always being performed.

    Fancy a Nandos this Sunday Mr Tudor? My shout.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you for the offer but Nandos? I would rather watch Ready,Steady, Cook.

      1. SMH says:

        lol. I’ve only been to Nandos once. What’s the attraction? I don’t get it. I am having Mexican tonight, and you are both welcome to join and spice it up even more.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I do enjoy Mexican food. I am with you on Nando’s, SMH.

          1. SMH says:

            Ya’ll come over for brekkies. I make killer chilaquiles, though difficult in the UK, where the right ingredients are hard to find.

        2. SJ says:

          I’d love to. Mexican is my favourite SMH. Chiquitos is also good, but it’s too down-market for the exquisite tastes of Mr Tudor. I am enjoying the triangulation, however.

          1. SMH says:

            Mine too, SJ. It’s the food I miss the most in the UK. Never heard of Chiquitos but I think Taco Bell is opening in the UK. Might give Chiquitos a run for its money. I don’t eat TB but my kid loved it as a tween.

          2. SJ says:

            Nice. I like a pop at making my own mainly – chilli-con-carni is a good one – but I’m a stew/casserole and roast dinner kinda woman myself.

      2. SJ says:

        Hahahaha!

  4. SMH says:

    Oof. This could be me. I tried the friend route against my better judgment because of the hoovers (did not know what those were at the time). It all ended in frustration, fear, anger and tears. Funny that I would tolerate things as a lover that I would not tolerate as a friend. Must have been because my ET was dialing down.

    1. Kelly says:

      There’s usually more emotion involved with intimacy. For me, anyway.

      1. SMH says:

        Exactly, Kelly. Makes it hard to get some distance and look at things ‘logically,’ as HG would say.

  5. Strong enough says:

    I agree to J.G.The one. Like her I’d like to encourage all the great women and men here in the blog to take their gaze away from all the evil narc experiences from time to time and to look intensively at themselves.
    It has helped me so much to think about what made me so susceptible to the narcissist. It is a trick of the empath to always care for everyone else – so you do not have to worry about yourself and your own deficits. By now, I’ve found out that being seen and placed on a pedestal was so important to me because I simply did not get this experience as a kid. I have five older brothers and sisters and always thought that our parents loved us all very much. But in truth, especially I was a big burden for the whole family. My mother was 40 years old when I was born and had bad depression with every child. Nobody was happy when I was born. No one ever let me feel it openly, but deep inside of me, something felt wrong. And then, when I was 16, the narc came into my life. He mirrored, praised, loved me – it always felt like coming home in his arms, again and again for more than 30 years of being IPSS, Dirty little secret or something inbetween. All of this seems very logical to me now, but I needed HD Tudor, a therapy and some very good friends to understand what is going on and to dare to look at it deeply.

    1. SJ says:

      High Definition Chewdes. With surround sound.

  6. Joanne says:

    OH MY GOD. I could have written this (save for the shared taste in music and art since he has none 🙄). But wow, so very relatable for me.

  7. Starscape says:

    “please don’t make me feel”
    The last line here says it all… Dear writer , he can not make you feel anything that you dont allow, and know that he will hurt you again. it is in his nature to seek this fuel.

  8. Kelly says:

    I told him I went to the gym and he said, “Now you’re going to the gym to avoid thinking about me?”
    So my going to the gym has to be about him??

    1. Witch says:

      Yes Kelly if you’re going to the gym, then it has to be because you want to look good for him. If you’re going to be friends with a narc at least follow the rules

      1. Kelly says:

        Ok, thanks, I’ll try. Lol

  9. J.G THE ONE says:

    Hello, H.G. Tudor.
    I don’t usually comment on readers’ letters. But this one, I think deserves a comment. You know that I have gone through many states in the narcissistic dynamic during my process.
    And this is another one.
    The perpetual friend.
    I can only say that this position is a grave mistake for any empath. Really any position in the narcissistic relationship is really a mistake.
    I believe that the reader who wrote this letter, who still lacks enough understanding in this dynamic, sees a refusal to abandon such a relationship in every way. He has a great deal of emotional thought, which prevents him from letting go of this relationship.
    If the reader who wrote this letter decides to do what he says, I can only assure him that his agony will be long and more difficult.
    Although I understand what this past is about, you must continue to learn and understand that the narcissist cares little whether this is an intimate couple or an intimate friend. Well, it doesn’t really come out of the first sphere. It will be set as IPPS. Really, the perspective is totally wrong. For the narcissist this is not his problem, the problem is the victim and his attachment to the narcissist, his aggressor. The victim must understand that it doesn’t really matter what place he occupies in the different circles of the narcissistic matrix, this is not decided by the victim but by the control of the narcissist himself. The narcissist is the one who really chooses where you will be placed, and even so, he will get his precious fuel.
    If the reader decides to move so as not to be his intimate sexual partner, to become an intimate friend. Actually his movement does not make much sense, because it does not really move from the primary circle. You will see, hear, know, feel, equally experience each and every form of narcissistic manipulation.
    Your level of attachment can be extreme in deciding to make this decision, like this one. The best decision you can make is GOSO and not to look back or to gain momentum.
    She needs to work a lot more on herself rather than learn about the narcissistic theme. Although it is true that by learning about the narcissistic theme, one learns about oneself and its defects of thought, feelings, limits, self-esteem to correct.
    Knowing yourself and working on yourself to find your own balance is how you get out and solve the empathic problem and not the narcissistic problem.
    When you understand this, you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

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