A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 16

Hello mother,
Where do I start but to say we’ve missed out on so much together. We could’ve and should’ve had so much more between us as mother and daughter. I look around and see so many beautiful relationships that could’ve been ours. I’ve spent years crying over the mother I wanted to have.
I yearned to have someone that I could relate to and share my innermost feelings without fear of judgement. Instead you made me feel I had no right to those feelings and I was wrong to feel them. I was always flawed in your eyes and never entitled to be me.
I wanted so badly a mother that would embrace me fully the way I was and build me up instead of tearing me down. I grew up doubting myself and still do to this day. I never felt good enough in your eyes and  still struggle with this in the eyes of others.
I believed everything you told me and this formed my view of other people and the world around me but it was your world through the eyes of a narcissist.
Yes, narcissist. I’ve never told you that you are a narcissist have I? I’ve learned so much over the last few years and you have a disorder called narcissism.
Before you start denying it and shutting me down please hear me out. You had a traumatic childhood of emotional and physical abuse with grandmother a raging alcoholic and again a narcissist. You were tossed around from relative to relative and then a convent. Somewhere through that abuse you shut down and with that was your empathy and emotional development. You formed a survival mechanism and part of that was the need to control and bury away the real you.
Yes I know not you, no, its me reading too much into the situation but I know what you are now and no amount of gaslighting can ever fog this new found knowledge I’ve obtained. I’ve learned how you’ve triangulated my brother and I to achieve your control over us but that backfired.
You see now you also will never have the experience of seeing a relationship the way you dreamed it would be. That being the relationship between your grandchildren.
Before you start getting angry know this was not done to hurt you but rather protect my children and myself from further abuse on your part. I now know you can’t help the way you are it’s a part of who you’ve become.
This disorder you have has stolen so much from you and I. We will never be able to be a proper family ever again. No family dinners where we laugh and share our lives. No Christmas holidays around the tree unwrapping gifts together. No trust where we can open up to each other during times of need. No spending time together you and I shopping or just even going for a coffee together. We were robbed of so much because of narcissism. One word but so much damage.
I’ve mourned the loss of the mother I so very wanted through the years but in the process i’m gaining a love for myself. You didn’t want me to know i didn’t need your approval or validation but through understanding narcissism I realise it’s not about me and my shortcomings but its about your personality disorder, narcissism.
I want you to know I love you and have forgiven you but you will no longer control the way I feel about myself. The abuse stops here. Oh you can continue on as you always have but i won’t allow you to affect me as you have all these years.
Mother you have a personality disorder called narcissism and this is why we will never be what we should’ve been to each other but I will make sure i’m that parent to my children.

19 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 16

  1. Narc noob says:

    On asking one of those MRN something along the lines of…”what was your memory of childhood like, how was the parent child relationship?” The response was limited and probably took a turn down another road but I did get something; “I don’t know my dad, I don’t know why he left but he went while I was attached to my mother’s hip crying and watching on from the window”. Was this another pity play or something else(a degree of truth, perhaps)? Their issues stem from their Narc mother.

    Another person (I’m not certain this one is from Narcville but narc traits are certainly evident) whose father committed suicide took some of the blame as they had money to ease their father’s financial burden yet didn’t give it in time. Ever since he has always made sure that what he says he will do, he does. He made sure what his kids started out to do, they completed also. He is forever helping people, especially those who are in need, financially. Could that be a cover up? Abusive behaviour, silent treatments and manipulations plus alcohol and workaholic tendency abound. Sometimes we can’t see the forest for the trees.

  2. Lisa says:

    Great letter. It could have been written to my mother dearest. She hasn’t changed. She’s just elderly now. I steer clear as much as I can. Thanks to the writer….

  3. Joanne says:

    I have a huge amount of respect for those who grew up with parents like this, and managed to NOT become toxic abusers themselves. I can’t remember offhand the “formula” you stated HG, on how one becomes a narcissist (ie genetics and parental/environmental involvement etc) but I think it’s huge to be able to rise above all this and not continue the cycle.

  4. Bubbles 🍾 says:

    Dearest letter writer and Mr Tudor,
    My eyes began to swell from tears in the very first paragraph, as I can connect on soooooo many levels
    I too, have “mourned” the loss of my mother and being a grandmother to my children
    The scar runs so deep, that it will be a forever reminder of what could’ve been
    This was very moving for me, as I could feel it from your heart n soul and sadly, I walk in your shoes
    Thank you so much for writing this precious one
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  5. unominimang says:

    Right now, I am stunned and relieved all at once as I review mentally the narcissist letter number 16 to Mom from her daughter. If you crossed out the line about the convent… Wow! It reads as if I had written it myself. Thank you thank you thank you “Tudor”!!

    Off topic… what’s your initials stand for?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      His Greatness.

      1. Joanne says:

        All this time I thought it stood for Henry (VIII) + some middle name like George 😂

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Or Holy Grail.
          Or Hurt God.
          Or the initials of my real name.

          1. Joanne says:

            “Handsome Genius”
            The possibilities are endless 😂 You chose the perfect pseudonym. You’re a trip, HG. Well played 👏🏼

          2. Abe Moline says:

            I thought it’s for mercury. The liquid toxic heavy metal, which molds to anything, alloys with gold and silver but it’s neither. Used din alchemy and whatnot…
            Also an ancient god.

          3. Twilight says:

            hydrargyrum is still my favorite “guess” to what HG stands for. I wouldn’t be surprised thou is they are your initials

  6. J.G THE ONE says:

    A very painful and at the same time emotional letter. So many stolen moments. So much lost time. So much pain endured. How are we going to see the red flags if we have them at home, and these are common since childhood!
    I always asked myself: why didn’t I see any red, black, orange, or pink flags? And the answer is that you can’t see them because you were raised in an environment where these red flags were, our daily bread.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Fair point.

    2. foolme1time says:

      Excellent point J. G

    3. Lisa says:

      You kind of normalise the behaviour , you know logically it’s not as it should be but it’s been that way for so long it is our normal. Then you wake up.

    4. Claire says:

      This is a lot of what I am figuring out. Exactly this.

  7. Christopher Jackson says:

    Great letter you’re one word “damaged ” sounds like my dad somewhat in aspects of this letter you will get better with time hopefully just keep listening to hg he will free you even more..

  8. Veronique Jones says:

    This is how I feel about my mother I had to go completely no contact with her though I was never going to let her near my son because of how toxic she is both my brothers are narcissists because of her and her abuse

  9. E&L says:

    Great post HG! Thank you!

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