The Treatment


We do not seek treatment. The answer to why that is the case is a simple one. There is nothing wrong with us. Occasionally we may be compelled to undergo treatment but that is a different matter. We feel no compulsion at all to volunteer to be subjected to analysis and therapy because there is nothing wrong with us. Yes, we know that our treatment of other people is often unpleasant and has significant downsides to those who are subjected to it but that still does not amount to a good reason why we should seek some form of assistance. The way we behave is the way we behave. Deal with it. We cannot help but act this way because it is the way we have been designed. We must obtain our precious fuel and if that means we lash out and wound others, emotionally and physically then that it is the price that has to be paid. By you.

You must also remember that since we have no concept of empathy, when we see our behaviour injure others it does not affect us. We do not feel guilt, we do not feel shame at what we have done and we do not feel the need to put right the injurious harm we mete out to others. This is our modus operandi and it can never be changed. Add to that our lack of remorse and you have two huge reasons why we will not act to seek treatment to change our ways.

Naturally, there will be times where we will talk about seeking treatment.

“I need help, I know that now. You are the only one who can do it.”

“If I seek assistance for this terrible affliction, will you stay and help me?”

“I don’t know why I do it, perhaps I need help. Will you help me?”

“I need you. Don’t go. You have to save me from myself.”

“I will change, I will go and see somebody, just don’t leave me, please.”

These are all empty promises. Remember, words comes easy to us. We will dangle these carrots of penance and insight in order to get you to do what we want. Once that has been secured and you try to cash the cheque that we have written you will find the bank has not only been closed but razed to the ground. It is not a question of there being nothing to cash it against, there is nowhere to cash it.

Treatment is for the weak and foolish. To submit to it is an admission of weakness. In the rare instances that we will, it is only to enable us to get something else that we want or to prevent something drastic happening to us and thus we regard the pay-off as one worth making. We do this safe in the knowledge that any treatment will not be effective because:-

  1. We use our manipulative wiles to con the person treating us into concluding that there is nothing wrong with us;
  2. We spend the time trying to charm the therapist and this may work or if they are alive to our manipulation they are forced to terminate the work;
  3. We do not want to change and see the therapist’s actions as a direct challenge which we must thwart. Our energy is channelled into frustrating and defeating him or her and not applying ourselves to the treatment.
  4. We treat the treatment as a form of fuel.
This results in it being futile.
The reality is that those who engage with us are the ones that end up seeking treatment. It is most often the case that our bewildering and confusing conduct towards you has you at your wit’s end. You seek answers and if you are fortunate, you turn to a professional who is fully conversant with out kind. They are able to illuminate you to what you have endured, assist your understanding and then hold your hand as they take you through the painful and difficult extrication from our grip. You are blessed with insight from this treatment.
In certain instances, the abuse we dole out is such that it seriously damages the recipient and therefore treatment is needed to deal with the symptoms of our behaviour towards you. The ramifications for you are serious and have long lasting effects.
We do not seek the treatment. You do. In doing so this is often the first time you actually realise what you have encountered and what you have been subjected to.


7 thoughts on “The Treatment

  1. Christina says:

    I disagree to an extent. They will seek treatment, if there is an advantage to it to them – or if it is part of their continued attempts at manipulation. I left 4 months ago from a 20+ year relationship with a narc. I escaped while he was out of town, leaving him without his supply, and without having secured another source. He spiraled into depression until his elderly mother came to live with him, coaxing him out of it (she has turned into his supply that he is now abusing, although she wouldn’t never admit it, but that is a different story). She “convinced” him to go to therapy. He started attending the same place where my daughter went several years ago. He has been using it to try to convince the therapist that I am the abusive one, in an attempt to “win” the custody battle for our two kids. When he just got visitation a week ago, when he picked them up on Friday the first place he took them was to “family counseling” with this same counselor (without my knowledge or approval even though we are supposed to have joint medical decision making and I am primary custodian so I don’t know how he could have signed them up himself anyway). The therapist tried to tell the kids that they would do individual session the first few times, and then they would do family sessions. He did it this way, so he would have access to the kids records and whatever they said during their individual sessions, so if they said something against him he could spin it to the therapist and also attempt to use it to prove I was “alienating the children against him.” I already had them both in counseling with the DV advocates and counselors at the shelter, so they don’t need two therapists. He has been persistent in his attempts to thwart me on every front when it comes to the kids, as it is his only avenue left to have any control over me. Both kids have said they won’t say anything to the therapist because they are afraid of their father using it against them and retaliating later. So, yes, if a narc can utilize therapy as a means of control, to further his own agenda, and to make it appear that he is the victim, he will indeed do so. So not every narc avoids therapy. Of course, based on everything you have written HG, I think my particular narc is a Greater, or at least a higher-level Mid-Range narcissist.

  2. Kelly B says:

    The narc ex I was with was a therapist hopper. I think he did for fuel and some triangulation. One therapist he claims told him he refused to see him anymore. Then the narc hoovered him to see him again.

  3. Kensey says:

    I never thought of it like that…
    that HG was rewarding himself.
    More like- This is my truth…take it or leave it.
    But,you need to LEAVE it.

    I appreciate the raw truth he unmasks.

  4. empath007 says:

    I hate that this is true. Because from the victims persepctive it should be the opposite. Personally I can’t help but completely disagree with the view point of a narcissist. I consider myself an empath… and I’ve worked extremely hard at putting myself in a narcs shoes, and I just can’t.

    Do you find it at all rewarding/therapeutic to be able to write about yourself and your kind in a very matter of fact honest fashion on this blog?

    I always tried to tell the narc I dated the truth would set him free. That he didn’t need to pretend to be “good” he could just be him and things would naturally come his way anyways. But he could never grasp that (now I better understand why) and I could never grasp him,
    Just never feeling the need to lie about anything. I live my life telling the truth, and it’s always worked for me. Just the way his way has always worked for him.

  5. Kate W says:

    HG- great summary… I wanted to write you an email but I don’t think it’s appropriate so I will write here.
    Today I was thinking that a really powerful essay I’d like to see would be one that somehow gets ‘normals’ to be able to wrap their heads around the pathology and damage regarding entanglement with a person with untreated and free flowing NPD.
    It is one of the toughest things that us survivors have to deal with when recovering-meeting and trying to explain what happened 95% have no idea. And in fact may look at us like we’re crazy.

    I was thinking about it when reading about Trump * again*on Twitter. The way that so many people characterize him. It’s like they are continually surprised and worse they don’t understand how dangerous he can possibly come to the stability of our country and the world.
    People with no experience with a narc say.. he’s got dementia or he’s just an egomaniac.
    Everyone can see he lies, yet they don’t realize he himself doesn’t consider it lying-
    Plus…he’s got so many flying monkeys and lieutenants it’s amazing. I think on a global scale something clear and ez to relate to even if one has never entangled with one – could help save the world!

    Yes HG – you could! I’ve been triggered for the entire time he’s been in office because He keeps getting away with everything… And now so we’re all his flying monkeys. Arggh.

    An editorial to the New York Times or financial times if you prefer or the Wall Street Journal? However that could really expose you to get many trying to suss out who you are. I believe they require an address or some sort of contact information to prove your ‘identity ‘ before they publish.

    HG… Since Nancy Pelosi isn’t going to put the hammer down I think you need to save America! Happy memorial day where we honor our war dead- from 🇺🇸


    1. Kate W says:

      Couple of grammatical errors- talking and incorrect corrections. I meant to say his flying monkeys and lieutenants are all getting away with everything as well.-

    2. HG Tudor says:

      Hello KW, I shall be embracing the great nation that is the US twice in the forthcoming year, so I am on my way!

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