Now, I Have You
We rely on ensnaring our victims. Whether it is a stranger who we pass each day and smile at, knowing that they will return the smile, whether it is a friend who relies on being associated with us and who enjoys the benefits of being seen with us or whether it is the intimate partner who is installed as our primary source, we need to ensure that our fuelling appliances are attached to us, connected and secured so that we can rely on the fuel being pumped our way. We have our ways of determining whether an appliance has become ours, no matter what source the appliance belongs to. These “shows” or “tells” are important to us for several reasons:-
- We know that the appliance has become attached to us and therefore the fuel will continue to flow;
- We are aware that our seduction of the appliance has worked. We seduce everybody that we target. There is the generally accepted definition of seduction that is applicable to the primary source, but our seduction also manifests against those who are secondary sources. When we seduce, we charm, win-over, beguile, attract and so forth and we do this to the friends, the colleagues and family members. Our seduction of a stranger may be as straight forward as smiling at them so they return the gesture, but it is a seduction nevertheless. Knowing that the seduction has succeeded is important.
- Once we know we have you, then we can adjust our approach appropriately. This may mean maintaining a certain level of behaviour and thus conserving energy, thus we do not expend energy too greatly trying to charm you further when we have already succeeded. It may mean knowing that since you have been seduced and you are attached, we can turn our attention elsewhere.
- We can broadcast the seduction to other people and know that we will not err in doing so. This broadcasting allows us to gain fuel both from those who admire our newly seduced appliance and those who are jealous of our latest conquest. Either way we receive fuel. Accordingly, the relationship bulletins can begin.
- It will be the trigger for the discard of the malfunctioning current primary source. Once we know that the prospective replacement has been seduced and attached we can commence the discard.
Not only do we look for these shows and tells in order to confirm to us that the seduction has been achieved, we use them as way markers to confirm to us that we are heading in the correct direction during the seduction and it will not be too long before we have you completely in our grasp. These indicators are important. If we do not see them, we know that we must apply more effort, more charm, more seductive power in order to reel you in. In some instances, if they remain absent we may form the view that the seduction is floundering and we may be better served turning our attentions elsewhere, so we are not denied fuel and we do not use up our energy on a wasted prospect. It is unusual for this to happen, but it can and therefore we need to see these indicators that confirm to us that you are falling under our spell, that you are being seduced and soon you will be attached to us.
In the context of seducing an intimate partner as a primary source these indicators are at their most prevalent and of course, by reason of that person being a prospective primary source, they are the most important ones to look for. Whilst it is material to see certain signs which tell us that we are acquiring a new and loyal inner circle friend, it is the indicators which signal to us that the prospective primary source is heeding our overtures which matter the most.
So, what are these indicators? There are many and the ones detailed below are not an exhaustive list but some of the more common ones. Some of these indicators do happen in ‘normal’ relationships, but they still should be heeded because they demonstrate that you are falling for us, that our charms are working and this will give us the comfort and information that we need to adjust our plans and machinations accordingly.
If you realise that you are doing these things now, then you are telegraphing to somebody that you are submitting to their seduction. If the seduction was once in the past, you may well recognise some of these things as matters which you did or said. Moreover, you will now know that if you wish to lay down a false scent, if you will, and deny us the indicators, these are the things you must avoid in order to encourage us in our seduction of you.
- Answering your ‘phone within one ring when we call you.
- Answering text messages in less than thirty seconds when we message you.
- Answering your ‘phone, whether call or message in the middle of the night.
- Cancelling plans with other people so that you can see us.
- Inconveniencing yourself to spend time with us, for instance, travelling across town just to spend 30 minutes with us in a lunch hour.
- Calling us and not having anything really to say to us.
- Asking to know what our movements are during the day.
- Going to something or doing something even though we know you do not like it really, just to please us and/or be with us;
- Dropping everything to come to us on the pretext of an emergency;
- Agreeing with us when we tell you that friends, family, colleagues etc are jealous of you and I and you do not try to make excuses for them, but instead you express dismay for their attitudes.
- Buying something so you have the similar item to us.
- Asking for an item of our clothing with our scent on so you can have us close to you.
- Allowing us to borrow something and not asking for it back even though we have kept it for longer than we said we would.
- Lending us money and not asking for it back.
- Preferring to stay in than go out with your friends in the hope that we will call you.
- Turning up unexpectedly at a place where we are.
- Making considerable changes in your appearance to impress us;
- Making changes to your home in order to impress us;
- Writing poems or love letters to us;
- Offering to do chores for us even though we do not live together;
- Wanting us to accompany you to events
- Telling us you miss us even though it has only been an afternoon that we have been apart.
Whilst it is a fact that these indicators also happen in ‘normal’ relationships, it is the fact that so many of them occur and that they do so with undue haste which sends us the signal that we want to see. Some would not happen in any relationship and with others it is the speed and aggregate effect of them which provides us with the indication that we wish to see. Be mindful of whether you are doing these things because if you are and you recognise the red flags of the way we behave towards you, you are in effect issuing a “come and get me I am yours” to us, with all the consequences that flow from that.
17 thoughts on “Now, I Have You”
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Great sketch.
HG. From everything I’ve read, what does it matter what we do and what we don’t do?
Your kind will find any excuse to use and abuse. Unless we are all willing to become complete wall flowers that do not enjoy life, express our feelings, show ANY ounce of emotions (be they positive or negative) then we can be targeted by a narcissist.
While I would prefer not to date one of your kind ever again… I think all it really comes down to (for me personally, not speaking for anyone else) is that I should have followed my own instincts much sooner and I also need to stop worrying about pleasing others so much.
But live my life not expressing my true self to others? not sharing my stories or supporting others with theirs? Not show up to an event with a bright smile on my face ? No. that is ridiculous.
I think the true power lies in just simply not caring about the narcissists in our lives… just let them be them… and I will keep being me and I won’t follow a guide book on how “not to trap them”. or “not to piss them off” because I breath… and that pisses the narc off.
So to go back to the original question, It never matters what we do and what we don’t do. All appliances are treated equally in the end. All appliances get lied to, manipulated, mistreated.
You will always be subject to our absolute need for control. That means at some point, your will have an adverse consequence. The extent of that adverse consequence will vary however.
Abe. It is all so Unbelievable. Wow.
That’s a lot of rules 🤣
Interesting. I did several of these things, but so did the narcissist, like cutting the grass, planting flowers, etc. at my house — we do not live together. Of course then he would repeatedly remind me of how much he gave and how I didn’t thank him adequately (one time it was a 30 minute tirade about how I didn’t thank him enough or in the right way when he gave me a ride to the airport — I must be a selfish bitch after all).
The good news is that I keep my data off most of the day and my phone away from me, so I would not be very exciting when it comes to a flurry of texts.
Though reading this reminds me of the Somatic Lesser and this girl he refused to call his gf. He would often have to travel for his job and so she would watch his dog while he would be texting other women flirtatious messages.
It was clear that she was hoping that by doing him favors he would ‘come around’ and realize how he wanted her after all. It reminded me of myself during my stressful time with the Mid Ranger and was actually quite sad to see.
I found myself sending him little things to help him out–info on updating his Internet, books he should read that might help him all in the hopes that it would ‘pay off.’ Offering advice when I probably shouldn’t have.
I came to learn this was a side of my personality type when under stress. More pleasing and overly apologetic and constantly reassuring him how much I valued him, blah blah. Ever since learning this I am more aware now and can stop it from happening.
One of the keys in identifying a narcissist is to see if I can do it without that person doing anything bad to me. I’ve been able to pick up on some vibes of certain individuals, notice their behaviour, self centeredness, and to do so objectively, without any emotional attachment.
Bibi: Do you know what ever happened to that somatic lesser and the hopeful-to-be his girlfriend? Also, what happened with the Mid Ranger, and you, and did your actions make him move closer, or did it fail? Or, it worked and now you are moving away from him, because the entanglement went bad? I read your post twice, but I can not tell… if it is not too personal, of course, to reply, if you see this post.
Hey Princess:
Thanks for asking. Well, the Somatic Lesser had ongoing flirtations with many women, including hoovering me during that time. He never committed to the girl who watched his dog but rather then love bombed another girl that he paraded about on FB as the new love of his life. Basically rubbing it in the face of everyone else. The girl who watched his dog was done to him essentially.
He got the new gf prego and they were together under 4 yrs but he would not marry her. Then he left the gf and married another chick he met on Tinder after 3 months. Of course we know how that will eventually end.
Mid Ranger: This was a close friend who caused me a lot of damage and hurt more than past bfs. I was attempting to revive his enthusiasm with trying to ‘help’ and ‘give’ which really led to nowhere. He was a pathological liar (even gave me a fake name for the 1st 2 yrs I knew him), hid everything about himself from me.
My kind gestures did not get him to open up, he still manipulated, was evasive, left me wondering, in a cloudy haze. He always played the victim and I bought into it for a while, hence I wanted to help him–trying to ‘earn his trust’. (He always said he could never trust me but when asked why he could never give a reason.)
I speak about him a lot because he hurt me the most. None of my ‘good’ went acknowledged by him, aside from a shallow ‘thanks’. He still treated me the same way but the nice gestures merely caused him to be nice to my face yet still lie behind my back.
I eventually came to learn he was gay and hiding that from me for 7 yrs. He pretended to be private yet was a social media whore and so he shared all these personal details with strangers on Twitter, which he never shared with me. I was supposed to be someone ‘important’ person to him, because this is what he told me.
Around me, he ‘pretended to be straight’ but was out to everyone else. I was left clueless and I had to find this out 2nd hand.
Nice gestures as these buy you some time and that is all. Narcs will monopolize on them–it’s fuel and benefits so they might keep you around a bit longer for that but the end will still be the same.
I always felt sorry for the dog-watching wanna be gf. Somatic Lesser never called her by name but only as ‘this girl I date,’ and then to go from that to declaring his ‘love’ and ‘commitment’ for another girl and impregnating her, thus leaving the dog-watcher wondering why she was not good enough.
This same pattern occurred when he dumped the gf (which he had no problem impregnating yet refused to marry) only to then marry so suddenly to a Tinder girl.
I still look up the Somatic on occasion b/c I enjoy seeing HG’s articles play out in real life. I have never looked up the Mid Ranger and never will b/c his damage was deeply psychological. The Somatic was just a buffoon.
I hope this clears it up. I realize my answer is all over the place, but I appreciate your asking.
Bibi. I hope the dog watcher has moved on from the somatic, and is not entangled even to just watch his dog, finally? I hope she is okay. Your answer to me was no more all over the place than is life. Life is all over the place. That is a fantastic story. I guess you did not have enough of the character traits and residual benefits for the gay guy to marry you and keep hiding his true lifestyle: CONGRATULATIONS!!! Yay!!! I see it that way. Sometimes it is good that we Do Not Receive what we wish for. You know it could have been worse, if you had continued. You sound quite strong after going through that time-consuming mess. I feel proud of you, Bibi. I agree that you should not look up info. on the Mid Ranger. He has enjoyed enough of your time and space and personality and presence. Hopefully, you are still open to meet someone, but I do not see any need to rush, if you are not. Sometime we need to take a breather. Whew!
Thank you for your words, Princess. Of course I did not feel proud of myself then.
As for the dog-watcher: she appears to have deleted her FB acct so she clearly does not want any contact from Somatic.
Though years ago when I did look her up, when she still had an acct, I saw she had joined one of those awful ‘heartbreak recovery’ groups where they post those bad memes that HG criticizes. It was horrible to see. Basically a group of wallowing and pictures of broken hearts with knives in them and ‘Be Strong!’ messages.
One image was of three hearts. The first heart had an arrow in it and it said ‘Love’. The second had a knife in it and it said, ‘In love.’ The third heart had tons of knives and was bleeding and ripped apart and said, ‘Really in love.’
How awful! I am paraphrasing the meme from memory but these sad souls were convinced that the more hurt you feel just meant you loved him all the more.
In so many words they were just encouraging you to wait around. No one there bothered to mention that perhaps your guy was a narcissist.
I did not learn that the Mid Ranger was what he was until 1.5 yrs after no-contact. Reason is that I am very slow. LOL
I actually avoided anything that would remind me him and how he made me feel (defective, needy, obsessed, etc.) and so I researched topics about anything but. Historical battles, painter biographies, historical books. Anything that would keep my mind off my own crap.
Eventually stumbling into narcissism after one day just finding an article and HG of course and then everything began making sense.
Now when I do see some bad meme as that, I try to inform others what I can, but there is only so much you can do, as people do need to learn this on their own.
I am sure that the Somatic’s current wife is completely under his spell, just has his last gf was (who happened to delete every single profile pic of him and her together. That can’t be a very good break up!)
Patterns, patterns. They’re fascinating.
Bibi. Sigh… those sites burned me out. The last one I tried, I was told was that my problem stemmed from not embracing my inner Goddess and that I asked for my situation because of my Power of Attraction, or that I did not use my Power of Attraction, or I lost my Power of Attraction, or abused It? Something like that, which I I could not quite get a grip on. lol. Well, for whatever reason, I found my way out, and I guess I brought my inner Goddess over here to Narcsite, located by my better functioning Power of Attraction, perhaps, and I am glad I did not completely go down some mysterious spiral and drain, with those other sites, never to be seen again. Unbelievable.
Dearest HG: Wow. So true. Sigh…If I could turn back time..I am too embarrassed to list the numbers of what I did, this time around. Maybe, if the post comes around again, on a later date. Sigh… My bad. I may as well have placed a sign on my forehead. I too, am at fault in the entanglement. Sigh… Just shoot me. 🙁
Don’t worry… we all did it… I imagine there’s like a huge crowd of people sighing embarrassed in unison while reading this… 🙂
PSE
I only had 17 on the list! Smh🤣🤣
Foolme1time: And that is just a starter list. Sigh. 17. Sigh.
PSE, I know if I thought about more, I would be able to possibly finish the list!! 🤦🏼♀️