This is a Heart Hook which might be used by any school of narcissist but there is one who will use it far more often than any other school and that is the Mid Range Narcissist. The Mid-Ranger, as I have explained elsewhere, is typified by significant reliance on the façade as a ‘good person’, is desperate to be liked and well thought of, is passive aggressive, utilises sulking, silent treatments and pity plays regularly and is cowardly and prefers others to do his or her dirty work. They revel in portraying themselves as a good soul who has been wounded by the evil behaviour of others. They truly believe that. In common with the narcissistic outlook that the world is a cruel and harsh place, the Mid-Range narcissist believes that he or she should be compensated and helped from having to deal with the savage vagaries of life.
When looking to seduce a new victim the Mid Range narcissist will use this line more than any other type of narcissist. This is because he or she has been hurt in the past. Of course that hurt was viewed from the narcissistic perspective and therefore the terrible wounds suffered arose from a previous victim escaping, letting the narcissist down, not doing what the Mid Ranger wanted, exposing his or her behaviours to others. That is where the hurt manifests from but the Mid Ranger will not convey the hurt in this manner. No, he will do so using the language of hurt than an empathic person will understand.
“She used to hit me. I do not know why, but she used to attack me for no reason. I did not hit back, I couldn’t, I am not like that, but imagine how that feels, being a man and having a smaller woman bruise you in that way.”
“He used to bugger me and even when I was crying he would not stop.”
“He tormented me about my weight even though he knew I was sensitive about it.”
“She put me down whenever I tried to do anything good. She just seemed to be jealous of me all of the time.”
“I opened myself up to her and she just trampled all over my heart.”
“I let him in and he tried to break me.”
The narcissist and especially the Mid Range uses this Heart Hook to establish three things:-
- To convey to the prospective victim that the narcissist has been badly hurt before and therefore needs to be look after, treated well and given sympathy and pity which of course equate as fuel;
- By demonstrating that he or she has been hurt, this disarming behaviour will not cause the prospective victim to be wary of the narcissist; and
- It compliments the victim by identifying that he or she is a kind, caring and compassionate person. Of course the victim is all of those things and knows that he or she is and consequently not only are they pleased that the narcissist recognises this they are immediately caused to set a standard to live up to in the way they engage with the narcissist.
Using this phrase or one similar to it is to convey to the prospective victim that the narcissist sees good in them and despite having been so badly hurt before, they trust the prospective victim. Of course the narcissist does not trust but conveys the idea that the prospective victim is trusted so as to accord with the empathic traits of the prospective victim. This comment is saying to the prospective victim, “I know you are good, decent, trusting and kind and I think all of those things are wonderful. I also know that you will now want to look after me, protect me and treat me right in order to live up to this standard which I have already set with regard to how you should behave. I know you want to prove yourself to me and I know you will not fall short in doing so because it is a matter of pride for you to discharge these empathic obligations in my direction.”
The narcissist comes as supposedly meek and fragile, a hurt individual in need of the soothing ministrations of the prospective victim and this person is only too happy to oblige. The prospective victim is drawn in and also provides fuel by way of compassion, sympathy and pity. Just what the Mid Range Narcissist wants and needs. It also provides the Mid Range Narcissist with a platform to explain more about how horrendously they were treated, the means by which to triangulate the former intimate primary source with the prospective replacement and also to smear the former primary source.
It should be noted that whilst this will most often be said to a prospective victim who the Mid Range Narcissist wants as their IPPS, it will also be said to those who are destined to be Shelf IPSSs or Dirty Secret IPSSs. It will be used with NISSs as well in order to engender sympathy and understanding (“My work has not been as good just recently as my confident was damaged by the tyrant of a boss I had in my previous job, but I know you will not behave like that.” Or, “I am quiet with groups because I was socially ostracised by someone who I thought was my best friend and it has made me wary of making new friends, but I sense things will be different with you, because you are different.”
This Heart Hook is an indicative pity play from the off and as such whilst used by all schools, you will find it utilised by the Mid Range Narcissists the most.