Narc Magnet

narc-magnet

You are a magnet. You attract our kind. You have done so at least once and you will continue to do so. Again and again. There is no hope for anything else. As an empath, super empath or co-dependent you radiate with the traits which draw us to you. Hitherto you had no awareness that this was the case. You would enter a room and be oblivious to the heads that turned your way as our kind detected your presence. You would have noticed that you were receiving the attention of people, but back then you had no knowledge of who was engaging with you or why that was the case. You have several sets of traits which appeal to us. These are the empathic traits, the class traits and the special traits. It is your empathic traits which stand out most of all.

These are evident in the way that you behave, the words you say, the gestures you use and the expressions that form on your face. The way your interact with people, the way you look about a room, the way you walk, the way you sit, the place you decide to sit and so many other things indicate to us your empathic nature. In the same way that everything we do is marked with the taint of our narcissism, everything that you do is stamped with the essence of your empathic traits.

When you walk into the hunting ground of our kind, you are identified promptly as exhibiting potential. It as if you give off a fuel signature, like some kind of scent which our kind smells and recognises as soon as you come near. You once did not see the Lesser as he leant against the bar and noticed you as soon as you entered the premises, his eyes fixed on you as he observed your entrance. The Mid-Ranger would look up from where was sat and find himself drawn to you, that unmistakable essence which you give off, being picked up and identified. Both Lesser and Mid-Range would not know why they wanted to engage with you save that they felt a compulsion to do so.

This need arises in the same way that a lion knows that it is hungry and therefore it must find some prey. The Lesser and the Mid-Ranger’s antennae twitch as you the empath walk through the bar. They are alerted to your presence and then they will watch and pick up on the other indicators which tell them what you are.

The Greater sees you and knows what you are. His lascivious grin indicative of the thoughts which are running through his mind as he begins to assess your suitability. You are signalling to him who you are, that you are empathic, that fuel is passing him by and an opportunity has presented itself.

Once upon a time you were oblivious. You walked through this den of narcissistic intent, unaware of the parasitic creatures that waited to climb down from their waiting perches so that they could engage with you, coil about you and draw you into their web with their silver-tongues and charm. You just thought they were being pleasant, polite and taking an interest. You had no idea how much danger you were in as you allowed your empathic traits to shine like a beacon. Each and every day you radiated these traits, issuing a sub-conscious “come and get me” to our kind. How good it felt to receive this attention. How pleasant it was to be courted in this manner.

As our kind picked up on your empathic scent and were drawn to you, they sought additional confirmations, assessing your class traits and hopefully special traits too, through a combination of instinct and design, dependent on which school of narcissist you had engaged with.

You do this as as easily as you inhale and exhale. Your traits are imprinted on you and they are indelible. They are part of your core and you cannot remove them. You cannot flick a switch and turn off these empathic traits. They are you. Imagine you will if some kind of glasses were created which allowed a physical representation of your empathic traits as hues of red light. If one donned those glasses and looked into this hunting ground as above, a bar perhaps, then one would see several things.

First there would be the normals who would have a slight red glow about them, indicating some empathic traits but limited in number and extent. There would be the dark and empty spaces which are where our kind lurk, the empathic traits completely devoid. Next one would see the dancing trails of scarlet and rose that signify the empath. The roaring flames of riotous red which blaze and indicate the presence of the super empath and then the supernova of bright red which is the signature of the co-dependent. As your gaze swept the room, one would see these differing hues and varying intensity, all indicative of the ever present empathic traits.

It is impossible for you to become incognito. You are unable to remove your empathic traits. You cannot switch them off and pass undetected. Accordingly, you will always stand out to our kind. You will always be identifiable, you will be seen and therefore if our kind is in the vicinity, whether physically proximate or through the accessibility of technology, we will be drawn to you. Like sharks which scent blood, like the hungry dog which smells meat, we pick you out and converge on you in anticipation of the fuel that will flow from you.

You will aways be a magnet for our kind. You have been created with empathic traits and you will always keep them. You will remain that beacon which we see and flock to. You will always attract us.

Of course you may learn to dampen down the manifestation of your empathic traits by altering some of your behaviours. Certain actions, words and gestures might be reduced, lessened and altered to reduce the extent of the empathic traits which you exhibit, but your traits always shine through and you cannot maintain this cloaking for long. It is contrary to who you are how you conduct yourself. Your empathic traits are so extensive that even when you have suffered the beasting at our hands and mouths, that when you have been drained, numbed and exhausted, the empathic traits will remain.

The empath will not shine with them as brightly and following the full horror of the devaluation and discard,t he empath will not function with such an obvious display of empathic traits because the brutality of the treatment will cause some diminution in function and display.

The super empath will continue to display these empathic traits because this person has the capacity to endure so much and then still have sufficient function to escape what has happened, once there is the eventual realisation as to what has happened. Once the super empath has had enough, they will seek their escape and their empathic traits continue to shine brightly.

The co-dependent, no matter how brow-beaten, how ground into the dirt he or she is, will continue to exhibit those empathic traits because the co-dependent would rather give you his or her last breath rather than take it for themselves. They continue to give, even when there seems there is nothing more that can be taken and thus their empathic traits remain on display.

This is why it is so often the case that you are almost passed from one of our kind to another. You are discarded but your empathic traits remain evident and thus another of our kind flocks to you, ready to gorge on the fuel which is generated by your empathic traits. Even if you escape, you continue to signal your suitability to us. You are unable to do anything other than stand out in this way.

It is only when you have gained the insight and understanding into knowing who it is that you keep attracting and why, that you finally learn what to watch out for. You cannot change what you are, indeed, why should you? What you can alter is your ability to identify us when we make that bee-line for you. As you radiate empathic traits, we also exhibit the narcissistic traits which once understood and once recognised in the behaviour of the everyday, mean you finally see and take notice of the red flags, flashing lights and blaring klaxons which herald this danger.

You will always be destined to be a magnet for us. That will never change. We will flock to you, be attracted to you and seek you out, our instincts seeking that scent of the empath which tells us that our needs will be met and fuel will be provided.

You will draw our interest and attention because the empathic traits flow from you. You will, once you gain the knowledge and understanding, know who it is who has joined you at the bar and flashed you that winning smile and then you can the seize the power.

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230 Comments

  1. HG 💛🌞 you are a genius and so vibrant and charismatic. I find it hard to understand your creature, or hollow feeling inside. Maybe it’s because you “don’t love”. Love is the essence and meaning of life. What else is of consequence? I think you do love HG.
    You have black and white thinking about yourself. You are dynamic like any genius.
    Regarding this article, after my 12 year relationship where I could barely leave the house, and my 2 year relationship with a narcissist, I have attracted SO MANY Narcs in 1 year. HG you only know about the 3 from the Narc detector. There were others who became obsessed.
    What do these freaks want with me.
    Anyway, it is no joke that I must listen to you and stay away from narcissists. They destroy your life and even kill you.

  2. Can anyone tell me please? So do narcissists need validation and unconditional love? is that what the look for?
    I just recalled one time when I was eating a pastry he bought and I mentioned that this particular one was my favourite. He then said “I thought I was your favourite”.

      1. HG – Yes, that article and the fuel I understand but do they need validation and unconditional love from others?

  3. Renarde – why does his dancing around the word “Love” stand out for you? What do you mean?

    Is that because he told me that he was hesitant to use the “L” word but that liking me wasn’t enough? or is it because he said once “what is love anyway?”

    I just would like to understand why that is a black flag.

  4. Getting There – yes, he did leave his wife years back. I don’t know the full story but he moved in with a woman he was working with in a different city for 2 months. Then he returned home to his wife but he told me at this time he only went back because of the children (3 children). But he also mentioned that the woman he moved in with wanted a family and he couldn’t give her that so it was better to let her have that with someone else because he couldn’t give her that. I thought that is something you would think about before moving in, wouldn’t you? I don’t know why but I get the feeling that he does everything the other way around. With this woman first he moves in and then he says he can’t give her a family. With me, he spends 3 months telling me serious stuff that he wants something serious, be a couple, etc….to then say he is not leaving his family when it should have been the other way around too.

    Now, he spent 1 year telling me that he is not leaving his family and now he meets someone very recently and he does leave his family telling me “things changed” and that meeting her is what made him realise he wants to leave his wife. But I am the one listening to all this!!!! when I am the one to whom he told also that with me it was serious, that he did not want an affair, etc……. He goes home on a weekday at 11 PM and tells his wife about new woman and the very next day he goes to meet the new woman. He says it has turned out to be serious but they have just met. He also told me how his wife was shocked and that the new woman is married with kids and leaves in a different city, telling me how they will see each other when they can or whenever there is a chance and see how things go but he wastes no time and moves out of his family home.

    Two days before he told me that he was not leaving his family he had said that I was a replacement to his current relationship (his marriage). The word “replacement” sounded so bad!!! but 2 days later he visited me and he said he was really happy to see me and he was really nice and after a little while he said he was not leaving his family. At that time we lived 300 kms away from each other and his explanation was “I realised I can’t leave my wife after seeing how difficult it is to come here to visit you”…..I am still speechless at this explanation. I kept thinking that the problem was the distance and then I thought “ok, so if I lived 20 minutes away from you then, what? everything would be fine?”. I mean, which kind of explanation is this??? He proposed to be friends and I sent him to hell but the next day I asked him if we could talk to at least discuss things. When we talked he was like “I really like you, I am so glad we are talking again, please believe me, staying with my family has nothing to do with you, I really like you a lot”. So the story continued and it lasted one more year……

  5. LG, this is the biggest lesson I’ve seen on emotional thinking here on the blog.

    Your emotional thinking is fucking off the scale. I relate. It’s crazy to understand.

    Everyone including NA has stepped up.. offered advice and HG has consulted with you.

    He is the expert.

    A best friend would offer advice only so many times before it becomes same old story…

    That’s a best friend and they have your back!

    If you were my best friend, I would offer advice, discuss it to death, cry with you but also get mad at you !!

    YOU are the beginning and end of this. YOU.

    Take your motherfucking strength back!!
    No man dictates what the fuck you do, sleep, fuck, work or your worth.

    My god, I want to grab your power, your inner power and show you it.. look at it… look at you!!!

    Get angry!! Get fucking livid, get mad, get fucking psycho!! Smash things up, listen to loud aggressive music.. dance, scream…

    And then get yourself together and forget this mother fucking asshole!!

    1. Presque Vu
      Everybody needs people like you and NarcAngel in their life. Sometimes people need a good kick-in-the-ass! (metaphorically speaking of course)

      1. HG – I posted yesterday evening and none of them have been approved. So in moderation – are they not being approved then?

        1. They are in moderation, I do have other things to do than moderate comments all of the time, LG!

    1. Seriously LG? There are many people here besides yourself and we all wait for our comments to be moderated. 100s a day. HG isn’t sitting around all day avoiding all of the others and waiting eagerly to moderate another of your posts rehashing what your narc said, followed by endless questions about what he meant. Get a grip. Yes, you have the right to talk it out endlessly as you previously stated, but exercise some basic etiquette and respect for the others here as well. You have certainly had your fair share moderated and had responses also. Your emotional thinking is out of control because I’d like to believe you do not act this entitled normally.

      1. I don’t know how this works and since normally posts are being posted straight away I was just asking. Somehow I feel some people are being quite nasty.

        1. LG
          People aren’t nasty, just truthful. It’s called insight, empathy and appreciation and you should try it out. NarcAngel, Lou, HG and many others have made some great points.

          The Readers are very patient but your ET is off the charts so you should try taking a step back, remove the emotion and look at your behaviour with logic. Have empathy for HG and the readers and modify your behaviour.

      2. Besides, you don’t need to talk to me or reply or even read what I write. I was replying to someone new who commented on something I said. It is HG I asked about the moderation since I don’t know how it works. You are very quick to jump in in something that is not between you and me.

        1. I second this I know it’s an old post but still.
          Remember posters here are replying on their own goodwill.
          We are NOT private paid therapists and what I notice is it’s all me me me , very little thanks to posters who took their time to advise .
          If people spend time to provide lengthy answers to your questions it’s only polite to mutter a thank you and maybe ask how the other poster is doing .
          It is selfish not too and this blog doesn’t revolve around your situation or anyone else’s for that matter
          I’ve seen this a bit here and reeks of generation Snowflakes sense of entitlement

          Now I’ve said it

          Kiki

          1. I have stopped posting here. People like you are the reason why.
            You are completely wrong but I won’t even bother given the reasons.

          2. Christ, what is it with people playing the victim card. When you try to get them to look at their behaviour, they either ignore you or cut and run, rather than deal with it, and then they try to get others to side with them so they can trash you.

            It’s all about them and their lame excuses for not taking responsibility for their infantile behaviour.

        1. LG
          Gladly. I have ignored most of your repetitive while dismissive of others advice to stop trying to interpret what he said posts, but feeling they should be moderated immediately is beyond entitlement. How many times and ways can someone tell you that narcs lie so it doesn’t matter what they say, only to have you repeat the same question? Wanting your job back with someone who has caused you to lose your mind is lunacy. I think you are shopping around for an explanation and a reason to be involved with him again. There. Someone had to say it.

          1. NARCANGEL – You have no idea about my life. I do not want the “relationship” back at all despite still being at a stage where there are days when I miss him. ALL I wanted is my job back. But apart from all this, I will say it too – I don’t want to interact with you any more. You don’t give me good vibes and I please ask you to refrain from answering me. If you don’t like what I post and what I say ignore it.

          2. LG

            Your ET is tricking you into desiring this position to stay connected to him while blinding you to the fact you can find another position elsewhere.
            Before you say it isn’t, it is. It will do anything to keep you tied to that which you are addicted to using anything variation of lie to convince you this is what you need.

          3. NA, in your opinion is it the same level of “lunacy” that some may assume when we want the narcissist to contact us after disengagement; the narcissist to take us back; the narcissist to return to the Golden Period when being “treated” with devaluation? Or is it a different level in that a job may be a necessity and there is that additional issue?

          4. GETTING THERE – Thank you for your validation. And even if it was wanting him back and missing him, I believe that is part of the process when you are grieving. Going back and forth between hate, anger, missing him, talk to him, clarify things……etc…it is all part of the process.

            But as you very well said, there is another side which is critical for me here and that is the job! I have not job here and the situation is very difficult. I felt he saved my life when he offered me that job so I don’t only look at him as a “partner” but as someone who offered me what I most needed, i.e. a job. Dealing with these two things is being hell for me but mostly the work part.

          5. Getting There
            A job is necessary yes, but Is there really anyone here who thinks it’s a good idea for her to walk into the mouth of the lion by wanting to return to THAT job? Come on. And does every response have to be delivered with a 50 pound sack of sugar? There have been plenty of comforting and understanding responses. Reams of them and all met with the same response. Enough I think to survive a small swig of bitter truth. There can be danger in too much tolerance. It allows people to think that what they are doing is understood and normal by the majority, and while it may be the case that many have experienced what she is now, is there anyone who wouldn’t identify it now as lunacy at the time? I know she is not there yet, but entertaining ideas of going back to work there and considering falling victim (emotionally and financially) to psychics is not a direction to be taking. It is lunacy. Sometimes people need to be shaken with a logic bomb. If it were your daughter would you see this in the same light and be exhibiting all of this patience and understanding while she looks past you and says: next! In order to elicit the response she wants to hear? I doubt it. She has a narcissist telling her (albeit in the nicest possible way) that she is perpetuating her own misery by continuing to focus on him, and she has the word and support here of many who are telling her that they have felt what she does and offering advice. So far none of it has penetrated. So I tried another route and gave it straight. My mistake for giving a shit and not wanting to watch her go down in flames going back to that job, him, or losing money she says she doesn’t have to psychics before she wakes up, and for making any offering at all. It’s all being covered and I’ll gladly stay out.

          6. How would I go down in flames if I went back to that job, which by the way won’t happen?

          7. NA, I agree that it is lunacy and we are responsible for our own role and behavior. That includes learning and appropriate reactions to others behavior (including HGs moderation choices), managing our emotional responses to others, knowing our part in crossing boundaries (as PSE took on discussing the pursuit of explanations or closure, we may desire but are not “owed” unfortunately), and taking charge of disengaging with an abuser.

            Please take this with love, LG, just wanted to reiterate it is part of the learning process and very much in your best interest. It was a hard road for me to get past the most difficult parts, but well worth it. Some self inventory is an important piece. Please keep posting with an open mind.
            Only sycophantic responses isn’t the best place to be either. XO, I’m at work, be back later.

          8. NA,
            Thank you for your response and sharing your thoughts. You don’t need me to say it but I agree with you that she should not go back to that job. There are many reasons she should stay far away from it and hopefully she recognizes that. I don’t doubt that you care and want to help. I personally would prefer someone to be with me like you are with others, most of the time. Yet, when I have done that with some others they get hurt or they are so lost in their feelings that it doesn’t matter. If she were my daughter, my sister, a friend, I would still be like this and have actually been for many. Why? Because of what I perceive on what they can handle and what they can’t at that moment (and I have been wrong). I perceive LG as drowning and reaching for anything. Yes, I agree she is hoping it is the life raft from USS Narc but that would be the worst situation for her. She is feeling alone and this blog may be the only place hearing about this relationship. I know family/ friends, my therapist and HG have dealt with me rehashing things over and over. It isn’t the best approach in moving forward but sometimes it is what I feel I need to do at the time. If she doesn’t have that support system in her personal life, then I would like to think we can be that here.
            My question was in regards to the “lunacy” as many of us have rationalized returning to the narcissist and many of us have done things against our best interests to keep what is not good for us. I don’t know what it is like to have my job dependent on the narcissist I was involved with so this is a different dynamic than my own experience and wouldn’t know where the pain of the relationship ends and the concern for a job starts.
            I do hope that LG gets to the point where she is no longer just grasping for any way to make it all better, and then hopefully she will be able to take the logic bomb.

          9. NA,
            As if my response wasn’t long enough before, I am going to add to it here. I wanted to give a personal example. This week I was given a choice that will have impact on my life. I can’t decide what to do and think that the only person who can help me is my last narcissist. The one with whom I have had no contact with for months. I don’t contact him and a decision has yet to be made. Now, based on my circumstances and where I am in my understanding of him, our situation, myself, etc. I could say to myself “that’s lunacy.” What I wonder, though, is what if I am fresh from the pain and my basic needs were only met because of him. Does that change the level?
            Now, with that said, regardless of the past basic needs being met by him, my stance stays that no one should rely on a person who lies for fun/instinct; and no one should return to a job who was in LG’s situation; or even a situation where there was no romance and the boss pulled that crap.

          10. Getting There
            You CAN decide what to do and your last narcissist is not the only one who can help you. Do you know why I say that? Because if he died suddenly tonight that decision would still have to be made and it will be. Your emotions are trying to con you into thinking you need his counsel. It impacts your life so should and will be made by you. Period.

            Feel free to ignore that. The decision is yours.

          11. LG, NA has seen many such comments over the years of people expecting immediate service. Her tone reflects this. If you were unaware of how moderation works, why did you not search moderation? It appears in the blog rules–a good idea to read.

            It is miraculous that HG reads ALL comments before publishing. He has an important career outside of the blog and a personal life. I don’t know how he does it all. His minor delays are just that–minor. Perhaps you now see why your query appeared unreasonable and received a frustrated response?

            NA is one of the wisest people on the blog. She is actually doing you a great service (even if very pointed in style). Speaking the truth without the soothing parts is like a cold splash of water to wake you from your addictive trance. NA really does understand. We all do.

            You paid for a consult with the top world expert on narcissism and yet fail to follow his advice. Why? Why do you want to go back to work where the narcissist works? You are free, yet you wish to return. That is not the only job on the planet and you know this. You are lying to yourself and have been for quite some time. To go back would absolutely ensure you will suffer greatly–beyond anything your current mindset would consider.I am speaking the obvious truth–no need to give examples..

            LG, We want you to succeed. At some point you must emerge from the denial and bargaining and angry phases to reach resolution. It is a choice. Stop perpetuating what caused you the pain to begin with. Stop thinking about him. He is not worth another thought. You are worth a far better life and a different job. Resolution will find you as you work on a new life far away from the narcissist.

          12. FYC – how would I suffer greatly if I went back to that job if the personal side was non existing any more? If it was only a job how would I suffer?

            In fact, that is what I should have done when I took the job. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to get involved personally when I decided to take the job and he shouldn’t have done it either. Once I was leaving, of course it was easy and convenient for him to say “I didn’t promise you a relationship”. No he didn’t but then he should have been clear and should have not got involved with me in any shape or form.

          13. Thank you, NA! I appreciate that! I didn’t mean to make this about me but wanted to use my situation as an example, but that was very of you!
            You are correct. It is my emotions. He was the type who knew me so well in different ways; he could even read my body language; and could challenge me and wouldn’t let me BS myself. That would be helpful right now. But this is my life and I need to make the decision.

            I wouldn’t and won’t ignore it. I am going to read your comment when I start thinking I need his help when I am trying to decide.

          14. LG, Your denial is seriously blinding you. I mean this not in a cruel way, but to let you know the truth. I am assuming you are young or inexperienced. In case life has not taught you the following lessons I will give you the highlights:

            1) ANY work environment is a social (and political) environment. One cannot divorce the work from the personal, they reside in the same brain. Therefore, if you work with anyone you date (not recommended and rarely ends well), you will be affected in many ways by thoughts or actions of that person and all the people they influence and you influence (think soap opera/novela). This is true of all people.

            2) When you work with a narcissist that you are or have been ensnared by, you will ALWAYS remain a target for fuel, either positive or negative. Currently, he would likely go out of his way to cause you difficulties for negative fuel (lies regarding performance, smears on your character, sabotage your work and professional relationships–the possibilities are endless and may even include physical violence). Aside of this, there will be countless emotional triggers that affect all of your senses and thoughts that thwart your healing progress. You will remain entangled. If you were to go back to that job, your narc would see this as a challenge to make good on his threats one way or the other. Now do you see why it would be lunacy to return? It is not about your intent (which you may or may not be clear on–I’m voting you are not), it is about HIS intent. Stay away. Start over!

            3. In reality, there are no “shoulds”. You were probably raised (as I was) with many shoulds, but there are no relational laws, only civil laws. There is not grand arbiter of appropriate human of human thoughts and motivations. People make choices. People act and react. People may consider you in their choices or not. MANY are selfish and do not share your values. It is your responsibility to protect yourself and make good choices that support of YOUR values. You can never expect another to adopt your values, you can only accept or reject another based upon their choices. Choose people who support you.

            Bottom line: LG, you fell for wanting to believe the lies this narcissist told you and now that you know they are lies, you want to collect or get justice. You will get neither as long as you live. You cannot undo what is done. The only thing you can do is learn from it and move on. Period.

            Think of it this way. If a person is sweet talked into investing their entire savings on a get rich quick scheme and the person who takes their money spends it, the investor would be devastated due to the betrayal of their (misplaced) trust and would want justice. Correct? The majority of people that fall prey to such schemes were flattered and given a false sense of security. Sound familiar? Once the crime has been committed, the spent funds cannot be retrieved and in most cases the criminal is not found. Even if they are found, how does this right the original wrong? It cannot. Ever. The only thing the victim can do is write it off as an expensive lesson learned and make damn sure they are never so naive or susceptible again.

            Stop thinking about your past (including narcissist and job) now and forever more. Instead think about your future and how you can build a life you love. Stop expecting others to take care of you or do the right thing. Instead, seize the power. Take immediate responsibility for yourself. Make your own right choices.You have it in you. Go to it!

        2. LG!

          I hear you.

          You want to be heard. Nobody is listening, you need to be understood. You are in pain, such turmoil. You are a truth seeker. Why are people not fucking listening.

          I’ve been there. I was drowning because I so desperately wanted fairness, I wanted to be heard. A fair trial. I WANT A FUCKING FAIR TRIAL!!

          I was mad, livid, I see it in you. You can’t hear what they are saying or even digest their words. Music made me stop, just for a while, I listened to lyrics. Maybe it might work for you?

          I feel you want justice. To be heard.
          Listen to this. Really listen.

          We are listening. At this moment in time your addiction is life threatening but you can’t see it. I understand you. I have been where you are now.

          Please keep talking. We are not against you. This is a safe place.

          https://youtu.be/r_0sL_SQYvw

      3. NA. Still making friends I see. Miss your charming wit. Hope everything else good in your world. Hope this makes it thru moderation quickly…..lol.
        Smooches 😚 😚😚

        1. Hi Kim
          Haha. Love me, hate me, Imma be me. I’ve been following your chats with Caroline and I said hello on another thread. Keep up the good work staying no contact. I’m cheering for you. Enjoy your rum and cokes but remember drinking and texting is a huge no no. Hear HG booming: HG does NOT approve! In fact purchase his wallpaper for your phone. Is there a ring-tone? I have to look again. Take care.
          NA

          1. Yes stay away from drunk texting! No narcs! If you are drunk, come on this blog instead so we can chuckle at your drunkenness as I have done many times (been drunk).

            HG has the patience as that of a monk in prayer as he is being bit by mosquitoes and scorpions. He wades through all our comments–something that would drive me bananas.

            I wish I could comment more–just life gets in the way, busy job, etc. I agree with what Presque Vu said. This is a supportive place. I go nowhere else to share such woes. Many would be surprised I even have them, as I keep them hidden.

            But if you need to drunk text? Hell yea. Send ’em here. HG should erect a wall for drunk comments (albeit chances that when drunk we’d forget where to post).

            I think wine should be ranked as narcissists: Lesser, Mid-Range, and Greater. Drinking a Mid Range Merlot atm, but only a few sips thus far. Available at my local grocery store. Solid, but nothing too fancy.

          2. MB
            I know right? I’m sure the minions are on the ringtone as we speak.

            Seize the power!
            Fucking A!
            HG forbids it!

            But I think the biggest seller would be:

            Of course it’s a hoover for fuck sake!

          3. The ringtone: Of course it’s a hoover for fuck sakes! is from HG himself on his Instagram for anyone who did not know what I was referring to.

          4. Thank you NA, I didn’t know indeed. But I agree that it will definitely be a best seller with HG’s voice it will be really awesome! 😊

  6. Getting There – Thank you for your reply and I really appreciate it. I am not sure if you read my story here or where. The story is under this link https://narcsite.com/2019/06/03/a-letter-to-the-narcissist-no-42-3/#comments (written on the 12th of June).

    Yes, years back he left his wife and moved in with someone for 2 months. Then he returned home. He told me it was because of the children that he went back but also he mentioned that he couldn’t give the new girl a family and that it wasn’t fair or something like that. I thought this is something you would think about before moving in and not afterwards.

    You also mention that he wasn’t planning to let me go and that is why he offered me friendship?? how? how is that not letting me go? I went from him wanting a serious relationship to affair to friendship now.

    I couldn’t take it. First I moved to his country for a job in March 2018. At that time he was living 300 kms away from me and that is the time he made me believe he wanted to be with me. Then he said he wasn’t leaving his family. I was involved with him until November and then I left the country. He told me he was sure we would meet again when I left and I didn’t have a clue how. When I was back for only 3 weeks he offered me the job (and I didn’t have one at the time) and I went back to his country and this time to his city and to work with him. We were still involved and he looked so happy to have me there. I even had to come back home for 1 week to pick up stuff and he told me “please come back”. He told me it was better to have me there than back in my country and he was nice with me. Then in March he tells me it is better to just be friends, that this was unhealthy. He told me he had to think due to a family crisis at home with his son. I kept insisting because I thought there was someone else. He even told me “how can you say this when I am telling you I have a family problem?”. He had been with me on a Monday and 4 days later he was travelling to meet the new one. That same morning he told me not to worry because he hadn’t told me no yet and hadn’t decided about us. I was hopeful. Then a week later after I insisted again whether there was someone he told me “I can’t believe you have managed to know this before my wife did. Yes, I met someone very recently and it turned out to be serious. Once I knew it was mutual I stopped seeing you”. I asked him if he saw us both at the same time and he said “but at different levels”. He told me we could be only friends, that he could not be my partner or lover. He told me we could spend time and go for dinner and similar as friends. I was broken!!! He told his wife about the new woman and moved out. He had made me believe at the very start he wanted something serious with me and only in November he had told me that if he wasn’t committed he would grab a hold of me and don’t let go because I am a keeper.

    First he lied to me when he made me believe he wanted to be with me to then say he was staying at home. I believed him he was staying at home with his family because he told me this had nothing to do with me. Months later after being involved with him he tells me he is leaving his wife when he never did for me and this for someone he just had met so I couldn’t take it. I was so broken I couldn’t face him at work. Under all these emotions I told him I was resigning. He asked me to think about it, to not rush because I had no job back at home. I couldn’t do it so I said I was leaving. I gave a month’s notice and at the beginning of that month he did what I explained in my post in the office to me, humiliating me.

    Recently I tried to contact him because I want my job back. I miss it and realise it was a mistake to leave it. I had already sent him some emails calling him sociopath and what not and in one of them I called him nazi for what he did to me in the office. He replied and told me “don’t dare call me again or I will nail your dirty hide on the wall”. He told me I am nuts, a nutcase and some hurtful things.

    1. Hello, LG.

      You are struggling to gain understanding. The problem is there can’t be understanding. When someone lies and manipulates just to meet their wants, nothing will make sense to a person who wouldn’t do that. You know he lied to you; you said that yourself. So many of the things you think you know may not even be the truth, and I understand wanting to know what was the truth and what wasn’t. There is no way to know and he will never be able to tell you, himself. You said he wanted a serious relationship. In the same vain, I can look at it and say he didn’t but wanted to tell you what you wanted to hear. You would have left him and he didn’t want that, not because he wanted you for you forever. He wanted you as his side piece give him what he wants when he wants. If you believed there was a future and held on to the hope, you would stay and continue to give.
      As a friend, you will still be there. He would have been a part of your life where you wouldn’t be able to move on. Then, when things change in his primary source situation, you will be there waiting and willing. You are the paused TV show. This time you turned yourself off, which is great! Why not continue with you while with her? He doesn’t need you that way right now. Think of it like he has a cup of water. His wife filled part of it up, you filled part of it up, and I bet there were others who helped fill up the rest. He has found a source who is acting like a hose and there is no room for your water. That doesn’t mean he would undo your faucet; he will just keep it clean in case the hose springs a leak or loses pressure. As for just recently meeting, you can’t trust that.
      Going back to that job will not be helpful and not only because of you having a front row seat to his personal life. He has caused a scene with you and smeared you; the environment with the others there won’t be the same. It will be a bad work environment. It is time to find another job, even if you have to go to your home country.

  7. I am minded with all this talk of psychics and what-nots to examine a woman I once knew. I suspect, very strongly, that she is an Upper Middle, possibly Elite.

    This woman was pivotal at one point in my life as a spiritual teacher. New age m’larky. What she has achieved is nothing short of phenomenal. Known internationally in her field, she has amassed a great deal of money through her ‘teachings’ and events.

    Except; she says one thing and does another. Gossip et al. A lot of people where completely unaware that her main event was a for profit one and NOT a charitable one. Also, the ceremonies she was holding where bad. I mean really bad. Lot’s of negative shit. People were being triggered, massively. A lot of people, largely woman, who try to embrace the Goddess, do so because some part of themselves need healing. Talk about a narcs paradise! All those succulent and juicy Empies kicking around the place!

    I and a small band of others broke away and formed a group with the sole purpose to bringing her and the organisation into account. People were being seriously hurt as trauma was re-inflicted in the ceremonies and also private circles. One instance that I was made aware of was of a VERY serious crime committed by one of her Lieutenants on a traumatised woman who had been sexually abused. This act was committed in front of at least a dozen witnesses.

    It’s not on and it’s fucking not right.

    I am pleased to note that her latest book makes her look like a deluded fool. In one part she explains her actions in ripping a strip of a person who had changed the music without permission as OK because ‘he had hurt her in a past life’. Does she really expect people to swallow this shit? Oh yes….

    She’s now an aging narc and tbh, it’s not a great look.

    She picked on me in circles. Not all the time but she would send out a malicious hoover in my direction every now and again. Usually it revolved around my voice which I now perceive she hated. No idea why. I’m guessing that she was attempting to bring me under control. Yeah, it didn’t work. After a particularly distressing ceremony when I was holding the ‘wheel’ in the element of fire, I had a complete psychic burn out and left the whole shebang.

    So the…

    TL/DR

    There are genuine people out there. I know them. It pales into insignificance compared to the narcs that operate the show. I believe that is true of whatever spiritual or religious organisation you care to mention.

    HG – I am, as I said, tending to be of a mind that she is a Middle but could she be a Greater? She has a curious asexuality to her which I find in the female Greaters I have observed and she certainly has created success.

    Could a Greater lose their marbles as they age? Her latest book is an almost incoherent ramble compared to her earlier ones.

  8. Does anyone know if an article about exposure post discard has been published yet? I read one about exposure in the devalue stage saying one would follow for the post discard but haven’t seen it.

    Now after consulting with HG it looks like this guy is upper mid range somatic :(
    Not sure if anyone could forward any articles related to this kind

    I can’t believe this is happening :(

      1. HG Tudor, yes, sorry, it was a way of expressing myself. Yes, he is. I think I have problems accepting it so probably using the “it looks like” makes it easier for me. I just can’t believe this is for real

          1. While we’re on the subject, is Prince William a narc, or is he just prideful but with good intentions? I am asking because we’ve established that Harry is an Empath, Prince Charles is a narc, and Kate seems empathic but I am not sure about her.

        1. Well done LG. Even acknowledging that you find it all a head fuck is good. It’s progress.

        2. LG, my narc told me the exact same words when I asked him why he liked me: you are attractive, intelligent, and vulnerable. I suspect he is also an UMRN somatic but need to take the narc detector. Don’t feel bad for not seeing the red flags; no one here did either.

          1. Sweetest Perfection – the exact same words??? I posted here a long post with some of the comments he made such as keeping me in a basement and many other things…..sure you will find it if you search….just curiosity if those match too.

            And this UMRN somatic type – are they dangerous? Sorry, I am completely overwhelmed with all the terminology as if I am not overwhelmed enough with what he did. I posted my story in the following article as I felt identified with it: https://narcsite.com/2019/06/03/a-letter-to-the-narcissist-no-42-3/

          2. LG, all narcissists are eventually dangerous for your health and self-esteem in one way or the other. I don’t think he’s gonna literally kidnap you and keep you in his basement, mine used to tell me he would love to lock me in a room for days and make love to me. If he’s UMRN somatic he probably has quite an extensive network of supply so, even if he is with one person in particular to your eyes, there are many more hiding with whom he has casual sex or just sexting online; mine does that despite being married. I’m sure HG has told you more things in detail, he’s the person to
            ask, not me. But your story called my attention because like in my case, the guy seems to have a clearer understanding of how he functions. Mine “warned” me that he doesn’t do boundaries and he exhibited the same kind of behavior yours did with regards to dropping a few pieces of information that would have been enough to be considered huge red flags had I known what I was dealing with. Mine also tried to convince me to leave my job and join his. When I asked him why, expecting a romantic response, he just said: “it would be so much fun, we would have happy hours all the time.” LG, I assume from your confusion that you have just recently found out what happened to you. I can tell from my experience that you are probably hurt by the fact he has another supply that is not you. You will very likely hope and wish for a hoover, and it will happen, but it may not be necessarily a fabulous one, in my case it consisted of a lot of stalking, of anonymous calls or calls from strange numbers, and posting indirect comments and pictures online. Then he will talk shit about you behind your back as is my case… do yourself a favor and block the motherfucker, it’s the only way to allow yourself some dignity, to avoid enduring all of this drama, and to crush his soul when he realizes he can’t control you. I couldn’t believe he was not the person I always believed he was, that’s the biggest shock that still plays games with my mind, but shit happens. At least you have the option to get away from it, he doesn’t.

          3. SWEETEST PERFECTION – He told me after talking for 5 days and not having met in person that he was falling for me and that he was about to fall in love with me. The first time we met he told me he loved me (that was the only time).

            Yes, I am very hurt that for a full year he made me believe that he was going to stay with his family and that this was not going to change, that he had a history with his wife (25 years) and that he felt love and respect for her. 10 years ago he left her and moved in with a woman for 2 months and then he returned home. The first 3 months he made me believe he wanted a serious relationship with me, to be a couple, live together, etc….2 days before visiting me he had told me I was a replacement to his current relationship (marriage) and 2 days later he visits me and tells me he is not leaving his family. He assured me this had nothing to do with me and we continued talking for months (we lived in different cities). He met me about 6 times in 8 months. In December I left his country and thought it would be over but when I was at home after 3 weeks he offered me the job and I took it and went back to his country. For 3 months we met from time to time and still with his family. Then he comes one day and tells me he has met someone very recently and that it is serious. Even the day he was travelling to see her (4 days after being intimate with me) he told me not to worry because he hadn’t made a decision about us yet (he had told me he had to decide about us), not to worry. Then when he saw things with the new one worked he told me we could only be friends. I asked if he had seen us both at the same time and he said “but at different levels”. Then he told his wife immediately that he was moving out because of this new woman and he offered me to be friends. I left the job because of this and I suppose you read the story…

            The new woman is married and with kids he told me and lives in a different city. I wonder if he only treated me like shit because I was an affair only and he treats the new woman or the wife good because they are the primary women.

            Of course, I am very hurt that he told me that he had just met someone so recently and left everything for her when he had made me believe at the start he was doing that for me to then say he wasn’t leaving his family and that would stay like that to then see that wasn’t true if he left his wife for this new person after only a few days. So first he lied to me making me believe he wanted something serious. Then he lied to me making me believe he wouldn’t leave his wife. And to top it up only in November he told me that if he wasn’t committed he would grab a hold of me and don’t let go because I am a keeper. Then months later he goes off with this new one.

            Last year I really suspected he was talking to someone because he was always online on messenger and whatsapp. I kept asking for months and in October he told me we wouldn’t meet or talk again because he was sick of my questions. Then he hung up on me and that was it. I blocked him and then he blocked me and I received an email telling me “are you angry I blocked you first before you could do it?”. I was the one who blocked him first!!! Thing is that we started to talk again after 2 weeks…..

          4. “I wonder if he only treated me like shit because I was an affair only and he treats the new woman or the wife good because they are the primary women.” Nope. If anything, he is treating or will treat them even worse, because being IPPS is being their constant punching bag. He wants you “on reserve” like mine wanted “to retain a relationship” with me without leaving his punching bag or the other lovers. What all of that means is “I’m not done with you, you give me good supply but this other woman gives me better supply” (meaning she’s more gullible/complacent/doesn’t ask too many questions/ has something I could take advantage of. Nothing to do with loving her more). So he wants to keep you there for when he’s bored, which he will be. Then he will get bored of you again etc etc etc. I recently read Chained, which I never bought because I knew I’m not Co-dependent, but this weekend I had the realization that my narc’s wife MUST be aware of his infidelities and he definitely forces her to accept questionable behavior… after reading it, I’m completely sure she is a co-d. I know he will never leave her because no one but a Co-D would put up with his BS for so long. Maybe that other woman and his wife are the same way?

          5. SWEETEST PERFECTION – you say that what all that means is that he is not done with me but he is done with me. He blocked me everywhere in April. He refused to talk to me a couple of weeks back when I called him. Even after calling him he sent that message telling me that if I dare call him again he will nail my hide on the wall, and so on…..how is he not done with me?

          6. If he is a narc, which HG confirmed, he is not done with you. But you shouldn’t be looking for that answer and instead, take advantage of the break to go NC. There’s nothing normal in this man, don’t you see? HG has an article that talks about the vicious dynamic of going back and forth between the ex and the lover. Also, I recommend you read the book Why? Because it clarified many questions you are struggling with now. LG, trust HG and everyone here: go NC now that you have that golden opportunity!

          7. Sweetest Perfection – you say he keeps me in reserve but he told his wife he is moving out and told me that we could only be friends because of the new woman. To me that is showing the new woman he is loyal and honest to her. He could have stayed with his wife and do with the new one what he did with me, i.e. use her as an affair but to go all the lengths to leave his marriage, that shows he is really interested plus throwing me in the bin too.

            I really thought – a woman he meets so very recently and he says that it turned out to be serious….how can it be serious with someone you don’t even know? I told him how he had told me he was not leaving his marriage. He said “now things changed”. I also told him how it can be serious with someone you just met? He said “I believe in this type of things”

    1. Hey there LG! An UM Som – you poor thing. Bet the sex was wicked though!

      K is the go-to person for articles and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen on on precisely that subject post discard.

      I am sure though that it is covered in the book ‘Revenge’.

      Could I very gently suggest that if discard was recent, say under a year or so, your head might not be in precisely the right place to do what you are suggesting as you will still be mired.

      I’m with you on exposure though. I have myriad schemes in my head but when it comes down to it, can’t be arsed.

      How are you?

        1. Thanks K. I am not sure LG will use those links though. Maybe you can propose other articles.

          1. LOU – I have read endless articles and actually I feel so overwhelmed and on overload that I do not want to continue reading. I feel I will go crazy if I keep reading and reading and reading. Sometimes, hearing someone giving you a piece of advice or sharing their knowledge helps much more. Reading articles for hours on end on your own does not help me now and I even feel that every time I ask or reply to someone I am being told – Go no contact. Everyone processes things differently, everyone is different and it is ok to take as much time as you need to process things. If going no contact means stopping talking about it right here and now, I am not ready to do that yet and I think I am allowed to do that.

          2. LG, I apologize if I contributed to making you feel that way. I actually was thinking about what I replied to you the other day and wondered if you would interpret it as “stop talking about it.” I didn’t mean that at all; in fact, I have told and retold my entanglement (which was actually short, I don’t even know how I can stretch it so much) a hundred times here. Everybody has a right to speak about their experience with narcissism and that is how we help each other. I went through a slow process too, and I want to believe most of us here suffered the same: denial and disbelief, then keeping a little hope that we were exaggerating and the person was not a narcissist, then horror when putting things together and realizing the truth, then anger, then sadness, then cognitive dissonance again, and of course, the fear. Fear of cutting all ties, of leaving behind your good memories, fear that if you block him he will be vindictive, etc etc. I think I was too fast in mentioning the solution, but believe me, there’s no other solution. You need your time to process everything. The reason why everyone is directing you to articles and books is because your questions are all answered in them. For every single question I had about my narc, HG has already written an article. But we are all here to help each other and learn from others’ experiences, so please don’t feel censored. Keep in mind, though, that you seem to be now in the foggy state of disbelief and hope he will return (I went through it too of course), and the people that have gone through that already will let you know that it’s not conducive to anything healthy or any solution. In my case, I didn’t block him immediately. But I watched. In silence. I saw how he interacted on social media after I stopped talking to him. And I didn’t need any other proof, he swapped me for another interest in the blink of an eye and started commenting on her page, it was a copy and paste of everything he used to say to me. You have a clear evidence, he is confusing and confused. He has been going between you and his ex on and off and now he’s suddenly in love with another woman??? Even if he were not a narc, the situation in itself is toxic and you know deep down that you need to leave, before he comes back saying he made a terrible mistake and you were “the one.”

          3. Hi LG. I am glad to learn you are reading. You are right; everyone processes things differently and at their own pace. I understand you still feel overwhelmed and that you still need to talk/write about it.
            Do you journal? That may help. Just sit down and write anything that is keeping your mind busy. I recommend you focus on yourself and your emotions. Write about how you are feeling; maybe about the rage or the humiliation or any other emotion you are having. This may help you process your emotions and see things more clearly.
            Do you practice some kind of sport? That may help a lot too. Endorphins help us feel better. I highly recommend you do some physical activity.
            Do you have friends? Go out with them.
            All this may help break the vicious emotional cycle you are in at the moment. It is not about ignoring your emotions; it is about taking some distance from them.

          4. Lou – All I can say is that I have never felt this bad before. I do believe in my case it is the fact I lost him and the fact I lost my job because of him. I feel I was too weak if I couldn’t keep my emotions under control and I should have been strong enough to separate the job and the personal side. That way I wouldn’t have lost so much. He had been telling me that I wanted more and that the way I reacted confirmed his theory. But hello!! what did he think I was there for? I mean with him? to joke? to play? it was clear I had feelings from day 1 and this was over a year afterwards. It is like he was surprised I had feelings and they were interfering with my job. He even told me “can you just stop being emotional? “. Even at the start after he made me believe that he wanted something serous to then tell me he was not leaving his family, it was only two weeks after that and he told me I should be over it because it was already 2 weeks. But what does he think??? that I can switch on and off and now I feel and now I don’t?

            So I think I should have managed my emotions. If I had been able to do that I could have kept my job.

            And what is worse and I am even scared to write here in case of being attacked is that I want to talk to him, that I miss him.

          5. LG, I am not going to repeat what many people have already said to you here. You already know that you should not contact him and that losing your job was inevitable and a blessing in disguise.

            Your addiction to him is very strong and I now wonder if you should not try and contact him again and let him abuse you until you come crawling back here convinced he is not good for you. Maybe you haven’t touched bottom, LG.
            It is your life and you have already received the information you need to escape and recover. Up to you to use it or not.

          6. Lou – your comment made me think. Maybe you are right and I haven’t touched bottom and I would need something even worse to wake up.

          7. No, you need to apply no contact to arrest your emotional thinking. It is down to you now.

          8. HG – If I were one of your kind I surely would be able to apply no contact straight away and right now I really wish I was one of your kind just for a few weeks or so and I could switch off the button as fast as it is switched on. LIke this guy when he told me after two weeks that I should be over it because it was already 2 weeks!!!!! Sure!

          9. LG, take one day at a time. Plan a daily routine you can follow so you get him out of your mind.
            Also, can it be that you cling to your narcissist because the idea of looking for a new job terrifies you and the idea that you could get your job back if you go back to him is more pleasant or easy for you?

          10. Lou – you tell me things that make me think. Hmmm…you could be very right that I am clinging to him because the idea of looking for something terrifies me and it does terrify me. Definitely, I see going back to that job as easier so you could be very right I am clinging to him much more because of that. He had the power to give it to me and now take it away. I wonder how the whole situation would be if the job part was not in the equation. I have the feeling that it would be as bad. I am not going to deny I am fine and I don’t miss him and so on but I do feel the job is what is killing me.

            I resigned and yet, it feels he fired me and that pain is something I don’t seem to get over. The images of what happened that day in the office keep going through my head day after day. That hurt me in a brutal way. And what hurts me the most is that he didn’t apologize and what is worse, see how he threatened me when I tried talking to him a few weeks back telling me he would nail my dirty skin on the wall. After all he had done to me at all levels, it does feel as if I am the one at fault. It feels I deserve everything he did to me. Last year he told me that it was my actions what made him pull away. Now he says he threw me like that because one day I was on private calls at work and there is always an excuse for everything. I am yet to hear something like “sorry, I apologize, that was my fault”. Not once did he say that

            Yesterday I was remembering how in December one day he was happy to talk to me and he told me so. He said “nice to see you”. The next day I asked why how come he was so glad to see me. His reply: “you don’t deserve to know”. ????

            If I was sick and he didn’t ask me how I was he would say he wasn’t like that. If I asked him why he didn’t comfort me when I was going through a bad time he would say “I am not like that”. If I went to the dentist he wouldn’t ask how I was and same answer or if I was sick at the weekend he would say he didn’t feel obliged to ask me how I was because we didn’t live together.

          11. LG, job hunting can be terrifying because we have to “sell” ourselves and we are confronted to a lot of our own insecurities and our sense of worth. My advice to you is, concentrate on that, concentrate on understanding the fear you are feeling which is immobilising you and not helping you to break free from the narcissist. For many on the codependent spectrum, it may be very difficult to feel confident and know what they want, so it is easier and feels safer to obsess about their narc. $Forget about that job and stop blaming you for having quit. There is a very good reason you quit. Find ways to soothe your fears; be your own parent and get into action. Step by step; one day at a time.

          12. Quitting was abiding by logic to remove yourself from the narcissist. Build on this.

          13. HG – I am wondering how I was able to abide by logic considering the state I was in at that moment. I was hurt like hell after him telling me there was someone else and I knew quitting would leave me with no job and yet, I applied logic? All I could feel was terror and feeling unsafe and at that time I could not think that I was losing my job. All I could think is “get out of here”.

            This is tricky – if I had been practical I wouldn’t have resigned and I would have considered ending things with him but keeping my job and I didn’t do that. I feel I wasn’t thinking at the time. I was moved more by instinct.

          14. LG, I just want to add that you do not need to know what you want to do or have for the rest of your life, and you do not need to find your absolute dream job. You just need to find a job that can give you a sense of more safety and stability. That is what you need to give yourself right now. You cling to the narc because he gave you these feelings too. IT WAS FAKE. You need to learn to give it to yourself. So start with small steps. Maybe even having a temporary, easy to have job (which does not require a lot of qualification) may be a good solution for you now, the time you recover emotionally. What do you think?

          15. Wow, LG, your addiction is strong!

            But you’re being honest (and totally irrational Too!)

            LG, would you mind telling me if NPD runs in your family?

            Do you have a parental narcissist?

          16. Thanks for your reply, LG.

            I have another question, I hope you don’t mind: what is your relationship with rejection?
            I ask because another big aspect of why people hate job hunting is the exposure to rejection. Not many people can handle rejection well, but in your case, and from what i have gathered in your story, you may be someone who is deeply affected by rejection. Seems to affect your sense of worth deeply, and maybe you wanting to contact him is your unconscious want to heal the pain rejection has caused not only with him but in your life in general.
            Just a thought.

          17. Can I ask? For anyone who wants to reply…so he meets someone very recently while he was with his wife and myself ( new one married with kids and lives in a different city) and he tells me that it has turned out to be serious, also that once it was obvious that it was mutual between them he stopped seeing me ( he had been with me on a Monday and by Friday he was with her) so I believe implying that he was waiting to see how it turned out with new one before dropping the wife and myself. He goes to his wife one night at 11 pm and tells her about this new woman and that he is moving out and the next day he goes to see the new one. He offers me friendship literally saying we can spend time, go for dinner and similar as friends. ( I told him no).

            This new one. Can it be serious with someone you don’t know??? Leave a marriage of 25 years for someone you don’t know??? And why did he leave his family for her when he told me he wouldnt leave the family and that this is the way it would stay? This when he had also told me that if he wasn’t committed he wouldnt let me go because I am a keeper. At the same time telling me I was at a different level when comparing me to the new one. I told him how he had said he was not leaving his family and he says that things changed. I feel she is treating her much better and he is serious about her if he left his family for her.

          18. This is probably gonna hurt but I’m saying it regardless. That other woman that you think is new, was with him while he was with you and with his wife. He probably was using the three of you for fuel and triangulation and who knows if he is telling her he is serious while also having another prospect that he is seducing. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t love his wife. And he doesn’t love her either. You all are just cell phone chargera to him. I have three cell phone charges but guess what? I like to use the new one because the cord is bright and red and it looks shinier than the conventional ones. I don’t use the other two, but sometimes I use them because I can’t find the new one or I am using it to charge my iPad. If you think I love any of my chargers, you are wrong. If I lost one tomorrow it would just be inconvenient but I would replace it with any of the other two or would buy a new one. That’s you. A cell phone charger. Unplug and leave this addiction, it’s gonna make you sick I’m being honest. My narc was already grooming his next IPSS (my replacement) while married to his IPPS and seducing me at the same time. I escaped but I know he is not interested in this new girl anymore. The girl I so hated had been shelved. You mean nothing to him, all three of you, and your mother.

          19. SP

            My head hurts this morning please bear with me.
            Your comment about being a cell phone charger reminded me of a conversation between Jon and I when he was explaining how people are attached to him.
            He was holding his phone and told me metaphorically the phone was him and how the many lines of information was connected to this via invisible lines. He said it is how one uses this information that provides that what it needed.

            Just like when he explained how people were on levels with him the higher the level the more important they were to him.

            I hadn’t thought about him in this manner in a while yet discovered a tiny remnant of his toxicity deep within me in the early hours this morning. The infection can be buried so deep it is hard to identify due to absorbing and owning that which isn’t yours.

          20. Sweet P, I absolutely love the cell phone charger analogy. “and your mother”

          21. I was gonna say “and his mother,” but my narc is the exception to that, being as he is actually in love with his mother.

          22. I haven’t. If only I just could talk more freely here…

          23. On second thought, I just hope my chargers never find this blog…