You say you miss me. That’s not really true though is it? You only said that to get what you wanted. And I let you have it. But this time I knew exactly what you were doing.
And that’s what you say to all of them isn’t it? That you miss them, that you adore them. Some days I beat myself up for falling for these lies, for allowing myself to get involved with you knowing you were married. But back then I didn’t know about love-bombing or future faking. I thought you were genuine, that you cared for me. The fact that you were on your third marriage should have been a warning, but your words suggested that in me you had found ‘the one’.
I was blinded in my need for love and affection, especially after being left heartbroken by a man who had decided he was in love with someone else after knowing her for two weeks and did not want me anymore despite being together for 7 years. That’s why I accepted your invitation for coffee after you left a note on my computer screen to wish me a happy birthday.
I had liked you even before then, there was something about that I found attractive, but I would never have made the first move and I was shaking like a leaf the very first time we met for coffee. I never thought I would end up being with you. I poured my heart out to you and you provided the shoulder to cry on. I would have been happy with your friendship only. But you had a masterplan didn’t you? To lure me in, to get me hooked on you so that eventually I would fall into bed with you. My heartbreak was the perfect scenario for you. I know now that this is your modus operandi when ensnaring women– test the waters by asking about their marriages or relationships. If everything is less than hunky dory, well you might get your foot in the door.
Invest time over coffees and lunches, get the compliments flowing, get her number, text and message nonstop. How l looked forward to your texts every day, to spending what little time you could give me together. I fell in love with you, and you knew that. Your marriage was a perfect excuse to not hang around. I see that now, but at the time I never questioned it or asked for anything. I was just so happy to be with you. And then slowly things started to change. I saw a different side of you, a callous side that dismissed your wife’s illness, wishing her dead. You left your wife bewildered when you told her you were divorcing her. Little did I know that by then you were busy seducing someone else. But I found out. You even told me her name -S. Did you play the knight in shining armour with her, there for her in her unhappy marriage? Was it unhappy before you came along?
You have made me feel so worthless, but I don’t think you care. You didn’t care about your wife, you don’t care about me and you don’t care about S either as you continued to be intimate with me. Surely if you loved her as I heard you tell her on the phone, you would not still want to be with me? Does she know about me? I bet not. Does she know you are trying to ensnare other women? I bet not.
When someone you love dies, your heart hurts, you grieve, you miss them but you know they are never coming back. There is finality in their death. With you there is no finality, no closure, because you cannot be honest about what you have done and what you continue to do. Why can you not tell me why you do what you do? What are you scared of? If you were just open with me, talked to me, I might be able to understand, that perhaps you cannot help yourself.
I want to forget you, but I can’t. There is something in me that wants justice for the pain you have caused, and that’s why you are always in my head.
I never asked you for anything. I would have given you everything. The love I had for you is gone, I’m pretty sure. Occasionally I feel sorry for you, but because you have not one iota of shame or remorse for the way you have used and treated all of us, mostly I hate you. You are nothing but a man whore. You are empty and rotten on the inside.