A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 88

 

REN LETTER

Götterdämmerung  or The Twilight of the Gods must happen to us all.  As you approach your personal twilight dear Father, here is the letter which I need to write but will of course never send. The repercussions for my Mother might be utterly horrific. For you are now on the verge of a complete and utter lack of your famous ‘control’.
The Twilight of the Gods. You were, in fact like a God to me as I grew up. I worshiped and idolised you. Never believing for one second that the Daddy I adored so much was an abusive monster. How can a child know that? It is only the wisdom of the adult and in many cases, the middle aged adult than we can then finally see what a horror show my childhood was.
You were very careful not to go too far, so what was happening behind the doors of a respectable middle class family, were shielded from public view. But behind those doors was a different story. A nasty, slimy Middle Mid Ranger. Middle management, middle everything. Bourgeoisie. Middling to poor academic results, you faded into the background at work. Not so with us. The abuse started before I was born with your temper directed at mum. I suspect you desperately wanted a boy to accord with your own view as ‘Pater Familiaris’. How you loved to trot out cod latin,, you pretentious cunt. Who would want to call their own child Mercedes? I rather suspect poor, co-dependent Mother stepped in there. Poor dear Lesser brother was not as fortunate, alas. You might as well have called him ‘Adolf’. When I was able to speak, you started the trammeling in earnest. Telling me the world was an unsafe place, trust no-one. Stop telling others’ things. Then flipped this with essentially turning me into a mini-you. Your own personal appliance to be wheeled out. That was said to me such a lot growing up; ‘You’re just like your Father.’ I was so proud to hear it. But did I stop and think and reflect on the tone of voice in which it was said by others? I did and it bothered me; it niggled me.
The tantrums, oh my lord, the absent silent treatments where you would march to the front door and proclaim loudly and theatrically that you were done with us and ‘I’m leaving you all now’. Two frightened children would beg you and cry not to go. But you still went. You heartless son-of-a-bitch. As time went on, brother and I defeated this power play by just shrugging our shoulders but still you went although they became less frequent. Dozens and dozens of times this happened. The route of my own abandonment issues. The amount of times I was hit as a child, that I packed a suitcase as a small girl and tried to run away. My own kids never did that. it isn’t normal to be continually wanting that as a child; to run away. Nor is praying that my own real parents would come and get me, someday. Save me. Somehow.
What about encouraging me to eat raw sausage then hitting the back of my thighs with a really thick piece of elastic; ‘The Sausage Fly’? Or waiting until I was in bed and scratching the door – ‘The Scratchy Monster’? Took me years to not sleep with the light on. These are the roots of my mixed anxiety/depressive disorder which YOU programmed into my mind as I was growing. I still suffer from that and I always will. It was at the route of my recent suicide attempt. Or the attempts to constantly put me down as not good enough. A disappointment? You’ve wasted your life Ren! Micky Mouse University for you my girl! Oh second top at GCSE in your school? That’s because they are all idiots! ‘Thermodynamics? Pfft! I could do that!’ No. You. Fucking. Couldn’t.
I didn’t like the way you looked at me in a bikini or how you would pull down my knickers and spank me into my teens. Or what about the calls of ‘slut’ and slaps to my face when you disapproved of an outfit later on? You fucking pervert.
Triangulation. Oh the endless triangulations between Co-Dep mum, LVN brother and I. How dare you have the brass neck to wheel me out in front of your mistress IPSS? I have destroyed N’s for less. And the others through the ages that we heard whispers about. The tears you made my Mother cry. Let’s turn to her now. In the golden anniversary year that woman has given you nothing short of a gold star service (Good Stepford BTW!). And how did you repay her? That’s right, by being serially unfaithful. I know you have because I know what you are. I can never tell her of course her suspicions were bang on; it would break her. So I shall shield her from the truth that her entire life has been an utter lie. But I will protect her now. I’m kinda like that as ‘Saviour’.
Thanks to others (invariably the Greaters – oh how they would destroy you, I would love to watch that. Much popcorn would be eaten.), I know exactly what and who you are. More importantly, I know how to defeat you. You see, as a direct result of how you treated me and my family, you gave me weapons. I have a toolbox full of them now. Oh dear Father, as a SES, how it must rankle you to come to terms with the fact that not only am I far more intelligent that you, I can really see you?
And I do see you.
You should be incredibly thankful that I am now holding on to my own E nature with a grim, vice like grip. The Supernova is looming and it’s only my own, poor mum and what you have done to her which is staying my hand.
I see how much you’ve aged in the last 6 weeks – you are only 73, that’s still so young! But you ARE aging. It’s the monster isn’t it? It’s coming out. It is not a pretty sight although but it is a fascinating one. You created a writer. And a scientist (because I wanted to please you). So here I am, a post graduate level physicist who has published academic papers and lectured at undergraduate level, watching you, observing you, taking notes and writing. Oblivion is fascinating and I feel privileged to have the opportunity not only to witness it but witness it as a fully weaponised Empath who is totally cogniscent of the process that’s going on.
Goodbye dear Daddy. It’s too late for you now. It may be too late for my Mother. But it’s not too late for me or my darling children.
Yours, for the limited amount of time you have left,
Your ever loving daughter and sometime NISS.
Ren
x
P.S I quite like the title, don’t you? That’s for making me sit through the entire Ring Cycle when I was 9, you sadistic bastard. I sat there, at your knee because I wanted to please you. Because I loved you. I never asked myself ‘What made me happy?. I still struggle with that. Don’t worry, your place in Valhalla has not been assured, I am told. You are burning in the flames of your own creation. I hear Odin is pretty pissed at you for your own hubris. Twilight is falling…
P.P.S. Never piss Odin off. He’s an utter bastard.
P.P.P.S I told you about my rape last night and all you said was …And? Burn you fucker.

15 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 88

  1. Darth Renardus says:

    Update.

    It’s been a very weird couple of months with many external drivers, pretty much all have affected me (and quite severely so) but havnt been directly related to my actions. Which is odd for me.

    I get a message from my brother. Dad is now pretty much incapacitated and mum is on two sticks, doing everything for him. As she always has done. Brother has refused flat out to help because he was grossly abused. I escaped. But what he did to me and him was utterly out of control.

    I know the time is right that I have to.move back in, just to help my mum. So, we agreed, this weekend two nights.

    I’d been barely in there 5 minutes and he begins. Very low level. I see pictures of my children, everywhere. I realise I cant cope. Then it dawns. He wants his wife and his daughter tending to him like some fucking Solomen. He just couldnt keep his trap shut, that’s much how he needed energy. This was meant to be a test. My poor mother.

    I exit in tears. Not one word had he asked me about how I am. You’d think after two years, someone has done a 2hr round trip; he would do that. Nope. So entitled is he.

    After I’d stopped crying whilst driving, I realised that there is something in him which doesnt accord with the MRN I know him to be. It’s a mixture of the haughtiness of an Upper with downright cruelty. He does play the victim, he is PA, he slaps rather than punches. It’s how this one abuses emotionally which is cruel.

    I’ve often found MRNs to be quiet feeble when confronted. His everprescent fury is off the scale. There is something else driving this one.

    Psychopathy? Perhaps. I think Sociopathy might be nearer the mark. Anyways, my bro said, he would often come down from the stairs in the morning and just pick on him. Of course we know why he does this. He must be approaching a major fuel crisis.

    It was best I withdrew today but it fucking hurt.

    And yes, NS, you have every permission to call me a fucking idiot.

  2. Lisa says:

    Ooooo! I like this one.

  3. Twilight says:

    Renarde

    With in the Twilight……

    I liked that.

    1. Renarde says:

      Thank you Twilight! We’re all children of the God here!

      1. NarcAngel says:

        It can get a little Children of the Corn at times.

        1. Renarde says:

          Indeed it can.

  4. Renarde says:

    Me again.

    Often readers comment on the picture in the header.

    This one HG is the most frightening one I have ever seen on here. I love it though because it is bang on.

    What is very very eerie is that you simply could not have known when you published this that I had seen this very image on PN’s face. The eyes were sunken, a malignancy that I have never seen before in any human was pouring off him. Indeed, I had never seen that look on my fathers face.

    I’ll never forget it, It was last summer. I was picking my mum up. I deliberately angered him. Norty I know. I looked back and I saw the header image. Then I knew my father was dead.

    The tentacles – yes. He’s always been in every single aspect of my life. I’ve never had a moments peace or privacy. Even when we were still talking, any achievement I had made was met with denigration. If I lost 7 stone, that was nothing, he loses a pound and I was expected to hang out the bunting. University? Sometimes my first uni was ‘excellent’, then it was a place for ‘undesirables’. Lecturing thermodynamics? Oh, he can do it even better of course!

    Sorry. Rambling.

  5. Renarde says:

    Thank you HG for reposting and for all the help you give on Narcsite.

    I never truly knew what I wanted to do with my life, now I do. I want to help others like myself. It’s quite ironic in a way, there are benefits to having PTSD if you are able to clearly communicate to others as it dampens the emotional response. I understand I need trauma therapy to finally heal but I am seriously wondering if I should just let that one sit whilst I continue to write.

    I’d probably be dead right now if it wasn’t for you, HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome Renarde. No doubt there are many people who are pleased that you remain in the land of the living.

      1. Renarde says:

        Thank you, HG. That brought a tear to my eye.

  6. Renarde says:

    Well, seeing this again fair gave me a funny turn this morning!

    Bizarre. I wrote this little over a year ago. Since then, I have wondered and thought very deeply on the actions of my mother in all of this – when my brother and I were growing up. She stood by, by that I mean she was never around when the abuses were happening. Either being upstairs or conveniently in the kitchen. Now I realise that my mother was equally a victim of my father just as my brother and I were.

    Also, for a long time I thought that my father was actually unaware of his actions. I wish he wasn’t. Something went way wrong with my ‘programming’. The c-PTSD that he created in my mind allowed dissociation to run rampant but not entirely unchecked. I could remember the events clearly but not the emotion associated with them (fear, hurt, anger, bewilderment, pain, grief). I knew that he was cruel (for example when informing me that mum was teetering on the edge of psychosis (florid) and when I questioned why he hadn’t told me sooner was informed that there was ‘no need – you’re not a member of the family anymore’ but somehow I couldn’t translate it in my mind – I was financially dependent on him. I just accepted it.

    I got my first impression that there was something terrifically wrong with my family dynamic in the first year of University. I now perceive finally free from the clutches of the pervasive low level manipulations (usually triangulation) I had a mini-breakdown. My first, although my medical record shows I was attempting to access help a year before Uni. I’d forgotten that until my own GP reminded me of it recently.

    Finally, the two reasons I truly loathe this man is that he taught me I am unlovable; a monster. I have had men who have chased and hunted me the likes of which I imagine would shock some. Same old story, when I finally let them in, it’s open season. Well, used to be anyway.

    The second reason is the almost total destruction of my relationship with my mother. He has been dripping poison in her ears for years. I can still talk to her but I cannot tell her anything as she just parrots it back to him. It hurts deeply that she continues to chose a man who cheated on her repeatedly over her own flesh and blood. That she is prizing material possessions over the welfare of her daughter and her grand children by extension.

  7. D says:

    I have been reading non-stop since I discovered this website. I feel like a whole world has been hidden and taken away from me, leaving me to be this extremely stupid human being, totally blind to manipulation attempts and strategies to emotionally destroy people. Strategies! I would have never thought someone could adopt this conduct in terms of relating to others.
    I am now emotionally destroyed by what I think is a pathological narcissist. The golden times lasted 2-3 months and then it seems as I was becoming more committed, the shitty treatment begun leaving me to wonder why am I not good enough. It took me 3 emotional hits, where every time I was left even more destroyed than before to realize that this was never going to ‘get better’.
    As I previously believed I was a bit narcissistic myself, I now realize with a deep shame and resentment towards myself, what an emotional and overall human wreck I have become. It’s amazing what an impact can several months can have on your life, how everything you thought you knew about yourself is wrong and the future has never seemed so grim and pointless.
    I am openly asking the question here, the same question I have asked him…how could someone live with them self knowing they have emotionally destroyed someone? How can you go on with your life knowing someone you claimed to care about has reached a point where they need to recover from all the damage you’ve caused?!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Welcome D, you will find all the answers here but most importantly the tools to achieve freedom and recovery.
      1. If the narcissist you are entangled with is a Greater (this is highly unlikely though) he knows what he is and what he has done but he does not care because he has not sense of guilt or remorse.
      2. If the narcissist you are entangled with is a Lesser or Mid Range Narcissist )far more likely) he does not know what he is and he has acted through instinct. He will either be unaware of the impact or if aware sees it as justified because it is your fault.

      Doubtless you will struggle to grasp this, at this stage. This is not because you are stupid but it is the disconnect between your world view and that of the narcissist which is entirely different. Your emotional thinking does not want you to apply the understanding and this takes time to achieve. The tools to achieve this are here and I advocate you consider doing this to create a foundation for recovery
      https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/

    2. Caroline R says:

      Hi D,
      I want to extend a welcome to you too.
      You’re shell-shocked; that’s normal.

      Being made to feel not good enough is one of the hallmarks of being in a relationship with a person who has NPD.

      You’ll never be good enough, but that’s because of how their brain chemistry works, how they’re hardwired.
      It’s not you.

      On that note:
      First step in healing is not speaking negatively about yourself.
      You don’t deserve it.

      You couldn’t change the painful and destructive outcome of your relationship with the N.

      We all understand.

      Be kind to yourself.
      Keep reading here.
      It’s the best place to be.
      HG’s a treasure.

    3. Renarde says:

      Firstly, welcome to NS. I hesitate to say ‘trust me’ that this is the right place for you. Why should you trust me? Or even HG? He’s a clinically diagnosed psychopath, don’t you know? And who am I?

      The above is of course, my story. My story is extreme and even on here. There are reasons for that.

      Your story, and I can really sense your utter bewilderment, is a bit too close to mine. The end of my beginning started around autumn 2015. Like you, I too had a very surprising and very unusual failed romantic relationship.

      What struck me is that I felt like something in my brain had broken. I couldn’t get HIM out of my thoughts. I felt such despair. It would take another two years to find narcsite.

      So I say, whatever you feel the right descion is to make right now, it’s the right descion as long as it comes from your gut.

      You’re teetering on the edge if awareness. I believe this to be because you are asking the key question for an Empath, why?

      HG will provide the answers. But can you ask the right questions?

      P.S All us on here will help you franevthe right question.

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