Calculation and the Narcissist – Part Three


I explained in Part One about how the mind of a Lesser Narcissist functions with regard to his or her interactions with the various appliances in the fuel matrix. Part Two introduced the behaviour of the Lower Mid Range Narcissist.

It is necessary to provide you with preliminary observations again. This is crucial in the task of reducing your obscuring Emotional Thinking and heightening your application of Logical Thinking.

I often read comments along the lines of

“I am ensnared by a narcissist and he knows exactly what he is doing, he is calculating it all and is determined to destroy me.”

I have no doubt that such belief is honestly held, but it is usually incorrectly held.

Why is that?

  1. It is only Greater Narcissists that are aware and operate in a calculated manner. Greater Narcissists are very rare indeed and therefore as a matter of statistics, if you have been ensnared by a narcissist, it is highly likely to be a Lesser or Mid-Range Narcissist.
  2. Mid Range Narcissists can appear to operate in a calculated manner owing to higher cognitive function. This is called “Instinctive Planning” which I will explain further in relation to this subject.
  3. The effect of emotional thinking. Yes, as you know emotional thinking obscures the use of logic and it does this repeatedly and in thousands of different ways. One of those ways is to cause you to think that the narcissist has planned and is operating in a calculated fashion because this will cause you to obsess more over what the narcissist is doing, talk more about what the narcissist is doing, try harder to contact the narcissist in order to halt this supposed calculated campaign against you and of course what are you doing if you do one or more of those things? You are engaging and feeding your inherent addiction to the narcissist. Accordingly, your emotional thinking absolutely wants you doing it and will make you ignore logic and honestly believe the narcissist is acting in a calculated fashion.
  4. The projection of your world view. Obviously you look at the world from your standpoint and because of this you think that anybody who engages in such behaviours as the ones you are experiencing must have planned them, because if you acted this way, you would know what you are doing and you would have planned them. This entirely understandable viewpoint of yours means that you cannot help but regard the behaviour as pre-meditated and calculated. You, as an empath victim do not manipulate through instinct. You have no need to do so, you are not designed that way and in fact if you ever (in the unusual event) try to manipulate somebody you tend to fail at it because you are just not made to do it and you are not practised at behaving that way. We on the other hand are designed to manipulate and for those who are not as evolved as the Greater Narcissist it is done through instinct. You impose your worldview on our behaviour, that is not high-handed of you at all, but it is incorrect.

Thus, these factors result in you erroneously reaching the conclusion that the narcissist is operating through calculation towards you.

How then do narcissists operate and what is their state of knowledge. Firstly, you ought to read these articles (or revisit them)

Do Narcissists Know What They Are Doing? The Lesser

Do Narcissists Know What They Are Doing? The Mid Ranger

We must have control at all times over environments and that means the people within those environments and of course that includes you. The Lesser and Mid Range Narcissists do not realise this is what they require, this is known at an unconscious level. The Greater knows that control is needed and also has vastly superior abilities to achieve that.

To assist you with the comparison between the schools of narcissist, I shall use a similar scenario to that described in Part One of Calculation and the Narcissist

The narcissist is a Middle Mid Range Narcissist. This means that he does not know what he is, he will never know what he is and cannot change.

The Middle Mid Range Narcissist (“MMRN”) usually has a higher cognitive function than the Lesser Narcissist (but not always – it is only one factor in the determination of school and sub school ) The MMRN occasionally may give the appearance of awareness or insight but that is actually part of the manipulation.

Let’s proceed with the example.

The MMRN has experienced a Hoover Trigger. The Hoover Execution Criteria have been met, primarily because the victim is the Former IPPS (thus potent fuel), has provided large amounts of fuel when there have been previous hoovers, the MMRN knows where the victim lives and it is a short drive from where he lives. The victim has not entered a new relationship. There is no restraining order against the MMRN. He and the victim are in the process of a divorce. The MMRN has a Shelf IPSS. The MMRN has received correspondence from his lawyer whereby his latest offer to the victim within the context of the divorce proceedings has been rejected. The letter was to the point and this has wounded the narcissist. He needs to exert control over the victim. Accordingly, he drives over to the home of the victim seeking to exert control over her.

At the point of reading the rejection the narcissism (if it could speak) would state as follows:

This letter threatens my control. This is unacceptable. Control must be asserted immediately. (This is the Unconscious Response)

The narcissists fury is ignited by the wounding nature of the letter. He does not think

“I do not have control, I must go and get the ex under control.”

What he does think is :-

“Why is she being so unreasonable? All I want to do is move on but she is being horrible. She was horrible to me when we were married and now she is on this crusade to try and make my life a complete misery. I just do not understand what I have done to deserve this, I tried my best during the marriage but there was just no pleasing her. You would think she would want to move on, like me, but oh no, she has to do this. My lawyer said my offer was a reasonable one so I just cannot grasp why she has to be like this. I am sick of her doing this to me, I deserve better. I need to sort this out.”

The narcissism needs to assert control and wants to do so by receiving fuel from the victim to end the wounding and also by causing the narcissist to engage in a direct, physical fashion. The narcissism causes the narcissist to see this situation, through his Narcissistic Perspective as unfair and wrong and therefore compels him to go to the victim´s house. The narcissist through this Narcissistic Perspective sees the victim as the problem. His Sense of Entitlement (which he is unaware of because his narcissism blinds him to it) demands that he preserves his financial position and that he also gets an explanation as to why she is being so awful to him. His Lack of Accountability (which he is unaware of because his narcissism blinds him to it) tells him that he is not responsible for providing her with a particular level of support and these narcissistic traits (and others desires) work together to make the narcissist do something to assert control.

The narcissism is thinking

We need control. Go and see her and use Apparent Reason, Pleading and Pity Plays in order to assert control. We will use his Cold Fury (as he is Mid Range).

Note he does not think :-

“How can I get her to do what I want? I know, I will go and see her and plead with her so that will con her into giving me what I want and accepting my financial proposal in the divorce. I will turn on the waterworks and that will make her feel sorry for me by explaining how I am strapped for cash, yes, she will feel sorry for me, change her mind and then I get my way.”

His response is instinctive driven by his narcissism which wants him to assert control and also to gain fuel to repair the wound caused by the content of the letter from the lawyer.

Driven by this instinctive response, the narcissist gets in his car, drives across to where the victim lives, marches up the pathway and he knocks at the door but the victim does not answer the door. The victim maintains no contact by not opening the door to tell the narcissist to reason with him to leave her alone. The victim does not shout through the letter box telling the narcissist to “Foxtrot Oscar”, the victim does not gesticulate through the window for the narcissist to go away or open the window and pour water down on the waiting narcissist. No matter how tempting those responses might be, the victim must not execute them because that is engagement which means

  1. Fuel Provision
  2. Potential adverse consequence , and
  3. Heightened Emotional Thinking

aka The Devil’s Pitchfork : The Three Bad Outcomes of Engaging With A Narcissist

Previously the Victim would engage through pleading, shouting and even threatening. All of which is Challenge Fuel and only encouraged the narcissist to keep asserting control and indeed lowered the Hoover Bar to prompt further hoovers.

Accordingly, the victim´s failure to respond amounts to wounding. The victim is the Former IPPS and therefore is at the top of the fuel hierarchy. This failure to respond is “in person” and therefore the result of this is massive wounding for the narcissist. This is on top of the wounding which has already occurred because of the rejection of the narcissist´s offer.

The narcissism is stating, if it had a voice

“Situation critical. Existing wounding not repaired. Extensive wounding now caused. Fuel level plummeting. Immediate action required. Commence Apparent Reason and if that does not work implement Pleading and Pity Plays.

The narcissist does not think :-

“I am struggling to gain control here, what shall I do to make sure I get it?”

Accordingly, the MMRN gets on his knees and pushes open the letter box and calls through it :-

“Helloooo, are you there? Its Tom. I got the letter from your lawyer and I think there is some misunderstanding, I wonder if you would be kind enough to open the door and have a reasonable conversation with me to try and sort this out? (Apparent Reason) I haven’t come here to cause any trouble for you (Facade Maintenance) (Angel With A Dirty Face) but I just don’t understand why we cannot sort this out like two adults. I know we both want to move on and it is very sad what has happened and that our marriage did not work out but we both know why that it is, but there is no point going over old ground but we do need to sort this out. Can we have a conversation please?”

Note that the MMRN is rather wordy. The absence of a Lesser Traits means he is less direct. The absence of Greater traits mean he is less polished and charming. He will think he has charm (Mid Range Delusion) but it is either lacking or minimal. He seriously believes that he is a reasonable person, hence he instinctively starts with this manipulation of trying to be reasonable. He does not think “I will try and reason with her because that is the best way of achieving the outcome.”  He just regards himself as entirely reasonable, she is unreasonable and he starts to talk firmly believing that his reasonable approach (not seeing that actually his offer was unreasonable and was understandably rejected) will succeed.

The Victim does not answer the voice coming through the letter box. She has heard this all before. She is not fearful but is bored of the same comments which she has heard over and over again from Captain Reasonable. She surfs looking for Angel Assistance to make a donation to ensure other people do not have to put up with this tiresome behaviour from their narcissists.

Since there has been no response from the victim, the narcissism is now thinking

“Situation remains critical and is deteriorating. Wounding remains unaddressed. Fuel levels dropping. Apparent Reason has failed, switch to Pleading and Pity Plays with immediate effect.”

The MMRN does not think.

“Whoops a daisy, that did not work. Ho hum, well I suppose I will plead with her now and if I need to I will squeeze out some tears, that will have her like putty in my hand.”

Driven by the self-defence mechanism of his narcissism which still needs control causes him to switch to pleading, accordingly, the narcissist then says

“Please will you accept the offer, it is the best I can offer. I am begging you to see sense here and put this to bed. It is not doing either of us any good having this hanging over us. Can you hear me? I know you are listening. You were always a good listener but I need you to stop this, yes? Come on Sarah please open the door and talk to me about this and if you won’t do that at least do the decent thing and reconsider and call your lawyer to accept the offer. It is a decent offer and especially after what you did to me. (Note that in order to assert control Blameshifting begins). It was you that went off with that guy from work and all I ever did was try to make it work between us. I was working my backside off to provide for us and pay for this house, this house which I have to say you have got to stay in whilst I have had to move into something close to a bedsit, which is hardly fair is it. (The Pity Play has started and again this has been an instinctive shift to this form of manipulation. The narcissist has not consciously decided to do it. Note also that previously he stated he was “not going to go over old ground”  but he has just done that and within moments of making such an assurance. He will not have noticed that he has done this. If this happened to be brought to his attention then this would be Challenge Fuel and would be met by The Narcissist´s Twin Lines of Defence (1) Denial “I never said that” and then (2) Blameshifting/Deflection “Well I wasn’t going to bring it up but YOU gave me no choice because you are being so spiteful.)

The Victim is unconcerned by the pitiful pleas. She does not feel threatened and therefore has not called the police. The MMRN is causing such a scene so that the neighbours are involved. The MMRN is uncertain whether his words are being listened to, therefore

No police means no fuel from Tertiary Sources

No neighbours means no fuel from Tertiary Sources

Uncertainty as to whether the Former IPPS is even listening means no Thought Fuel.

If the narcissism had a voice it would now be saying

“Situation remains critical and no prospects of situation being remedied by remaining in situ. Existing wounding still unaddressed. Fuel levels depleting and now dangerously low. Abort. Repeat – abort.”

The narcissism recognises that remaining here is just going to worsen the situation. Control cannot be asserted and there is no fuel. It is time to cause the narcissist to withdraw. The narcissism states

“Issue Dismissive Flounce to assert control and seek fuel elsewhere.”

The narcissist does not think

“Hmm that was a disaster. I know, I will show her by storming off in a huff and I will go and talk to someone else to get fuel that way.”

He thinks

“She is such a horrible horrible woman. I do not know what I ever saw in her but I am not staying her to be made a fool of. At least I know I have been tried to be fair which is more than be said for her.”

Accordingly, the narcissist shouts,

“Suit yourself. As usual you do what you want you selfish bitch. See you in court then!”

He gets off his knees and strops away to his car.

This retreat is his way of asserting control over the victim by claiming victory (by being reasonable) and then HE deciding to walk away.

The narcissism states

“Control now asserted through Dismissive Flounce. Existing wounding remains unaddressed. Fuel levels dangerously low. Fuel must be obtained as a matter of priority. Seek secondary sources and use Pity Play to manipulate provision of fuel.”

The narcissist duly takes out his phone and calls his mother,

“Mum, its Tom…I sound upset? I am (voice breaks) it is Sarah she is being a total cow to me again. I am coming over, I will be there in fifteen minutes, that is if she hasn’t made the Traffic God curse me as well. See you soon.”

Mum´s soothing tones down the phone and words of sympathy provide some fuel and begins to ease the fuel issue and heal the wounding which has occurred. As he drives across to see his mother, his narcissism still seeking immediate fuel has Tom call his best friend on hands-free to tell his tale of woe at the hands of Sarah and this supportive NISS friend provides some fuel through the conversation to aid in the healing of the wounds caused by the Former IPPS and to cause fuel levels to climb.

Once again the behaviour of the narcissist, this time Middle Mid Ranger has entirely been governed by instinct.

The Victim, misled by Emotional Thinking may well believe that the narcissist has purposefully trotted over and deployed pleading and the pity play as a cynical attempt to get her to change her mind and accept his proposal. This is incorrect. It may be the obvious outcome to her owing to her lack of understanding of narcissists and the impact of her obscuring ET, but his behaviour has not been planned, he has not sat down and thought about how best to cause her to change her mind and instead has acted entirely through instinct driven by the commands and needs of his narcissism.

33 thoughts on “Calculation and the Narcissist – Part Three

  1. Anm says:

    Lol! The part where he calls his mother! So accurate, HG. These are all brilliant.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      True and thank you.

  2. Em says:

    HG – how have you been able to assess and categorise the other types and category of narcissist that you are not and be so certain of their behaviours with such confidence? For example how do you know they are unaware?
    Does being a greater bring this expertise or do you have other experience?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. I am very intelligent.
      2. I have had narcissists around me my entire life of all kinds and I have studied, observed and tested.
      3. You get the benefit of this expertise, embrace it whilst you can.

      1. MB says:

        “embrace it whilst you can” That sounded like foreshadowing, HG. Now you have me worried.

  3. Jessj says:

    This was it HG! It is like you were present through my whole seperation with the narc ex. Word by word, reaction by reaction it went exactly like that. Thank you, this just made it clear for me!! 💡

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome. This is all about clarity.

  4. Iris says:

    Brilliant articulation of the thought process of the Mid Ranger HG!

    I’m thinking if the Mid Ranger had a dance move it would be called the ‘Dismissive Flounce’? Or maybe the Door Slam Shuffle?!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      LMR is the Door Slam Shuffle.
      MMR is the Dismissive Flounce
      UMR is the Smirk and Jerk

      1. Iris says:

        😂 Yes!!

      2. Laura says:

        HG, I love this series of articles on calculation. Your in depth explanations and examples of different scenarios helps to make sense of the nonsensical. Knowing what goes on inside their brain clarifies so much and reinforces how we should react to them. Please keep them coming. I look forward to all your invaluable insights of the UMR, their delusions of charm and the ‘smirk and jerk”.

  5. Leslie says:

    These are great. Mine always added a round of smearing.

    Please share the information about the book review again.

    I like the additional plug here for the angel fund donation. :DDD

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed, many people use this excellent work here and are welcome to do so, it costs them nothing, but at the insistence of many empath readers they asked me to establish such a fund to enable people to help and for people to demonstrate their calibre by donating, even a small sum. I have been watching the pattern of behaviours around this with considerable interest.

  6. Tamara says:

    Such a cute picture of the little dog…

  7. E. B. says:

    Matrinarc’s boy!

  8. Veronique Jones says:

    HG does the narcissist mistake the empath healing forgiving and moving on for challenge fuel and how would they feel/react if the hoovering doesn’t get the reaction they want say the are essentially ignored not in a I hate you way but like their actions and presence do have any affect and not mentioned by the empath ????

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If you issue forgiveness to the narcissist and say you have moved on, this will be Challenge Fuel whether you write it in an email or say it face to face.
      If the narcissist hoovers following this, then if they are ignored by the victim, the narcissist is wounded, if the victim responds in a way such as “leave me alone, I don’t want anything to do with you” that is Challenge Fuel.

  9. Kim e says:

    HG. Not sure where to ask this. Do we use Narc Detector if we know he is a narc but just want to confirm school and cadre?
    Your Humble Empath

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There are various benefits to using the Narc Detector:-

      1. You get to look at the relationship (whichever type it is) in a logical fashion. This process is invaluable in itself,
      2. You learn whether the person is a narcissist from the expert and if that person is, their school and cadre,
      3. This provides certainty. We thrive when you are confused, therefore reducing your confusion is a must,
      4. Knowing school and cadre is crucial to a successful no contact regime
      5. Your ET will fight back and having something to repeatedly listen to telling you what this person is and why is needed to enable you to maintain no contact and reduce the impact of the narcissist on your through The Devil´s Pitchfork.

    2. Blitznliz says:

      What’s this Narc detector you speak of? I’m new to this site.

  10. Sarah says:

    HG – “Issue dismissive flounce to exert control and seek fuel elsewhere” – CHECKMATE.

    P.S. Don’t copyright this I will definitely need to borrow it one day.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Everything I create is my copyright from the moment I create it Sarah, but if you ask I am usually amenable to people using my work in the right circumstances.

      1. Sarah says:

        Yes of course and I respect all of your work as your own HG. I wanted to convey to you what I kick I got out of your word smithing here. You have an ability to capture the essence of a concept with such wit. It is a rare talent and something that perpetuates my insatiable appetite for reading your work.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I know you do and thank you, Sarah.

  11. Madam Gee says:

    I am so far away from the ex Narc partner (both mentally & physically) that I really have no more reason to be keeping up with the new articles and YT videos that appear on th topic….but my god, the topic of Narcissism is so fascinating and I cannot help but keep reading & listening to them.

    At this point now, it feels like I’m observing new scientific experiments…..its just so interesting.

    Kudos to you HG, you are really educating us here by diving deep into the dark world of the Narc’s mind and letting us empaths in on the knowledge.

    Just when I think there is nothing left to learn, along comes HG with another aspect of the Narc.
    Thanks HG, keep ’em coming….

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome MG. There is still a huge amount to convey to you all.

  12. myriflemyponynme says:

    Thank you, Sir ! Liked “Angel with a dirty face”.

  13. alexissmith2016 says:

    I’m loving these articles. It is so helpful to understand what goes on in their head! Just brilliant! Thank you so much HG,

    “He will think he has charm (Mid Range Delusion)”, this bit made me really laugh. There is one MMR in particular whom is always giving others advice on how to ‘pick-up’ women and he’s always telling me “It’s about my charm”, like if he says it enough I’ll believe he has some. He’s probably the least charming N I’ve ever met and I’ve not observed any successes with the women.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  14. Patrick Bateman says:

    I like the insight… During verbal altercations with a narcissist of mid range it kept my emotional thinking very low by knowing its not them trying to hurt me but their automated narcissistic mechanism

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Well done PB – dinner at Dorsia?

      1. Patrick Bateman says:

        Hahahahaha 😂
        Of course…

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