Why you? Why do you have so much power over me? You weren’t my first narcissist and unfortunately you weren’t my last either. Headstrong as I am, I always have to learn the hard way. I’m actually writing this letter after coming from the police station to file a complaint because I found myself caught under a lesser of your kind a few weeks ago. I actually reached out to you first that night remember, either way I was going to be devalued. Here’s the sick part: afterwards, I thought of you. It made me miss YOU. I thought “at least he knows how to take care of my body.” How fucked up is that? It is a sick addiction.
The first night you and I met, I made a comment about a sports team, that when I’m in, I’m all the way in and your eyes lit up. You knew you had me right then and there didn’t you? No one makes me feel as powerless as you do. You are my kryptonite. All the prayers, mantras, moon circles and crystals; all the therapy, the strength training, the running, the self-care, the self-defense; all the wine, the gin, the drugs and my old favourite: LOVE will ever be enough for me to conquer you. You WIN.
That’s all you ever care about anyways because winning is the only thing that makes you feel powerful in your small world. You were the coach and I was the eager prospect, always ready and willing to prove my worth to you. No more. This isn’t I game I need to play. THIS IS MY FUCKING LIFE. I am out of your league. I always have been and you know it. That’s why you would go out of your way to break me down. You exposed my weak spots, and I will only grow stronger from here. Thanks Coach.
When our paths crossed, I thought I met my match, a worthy contender. Equally matched in size, wit and wound. And so we went, pound for pound, shot for shot. I’ve seen you. I’ve seen all of you and I think you saw me too. That’s why I had to go and that’s why I cling to stay. Now we’re more alike than ever because I too am shutting down and walling up. I will be standing in my power in my fortress. You stay in yours. This is a new beginning for me, endless possibilities full of love, laughter, music and joy. Things you could never have given me even if you wanted to. You will be exactly where you always are, stuck in your perpetual hell.
Since you are limited to only see from your self-serving lens, I’m going to man up and call it. I am OUT and I am STAYING OUT and will fight every day until you are obsolete.