Showing Restraint




In some instances, the actions of our kind necessitate the obtaining of an injunction or a restraining order to address certain behaviours. Obtaining one is not always as straight forward as it might appear, though much depends on the type of narcissist that you are dealing with. You can often count on facing a counter-application which is designed to muddy the waters, intimidate you and/or be used as a bargaining chip in order to cause you to drop your own action. The fabrication of evidence in support of our own application can be expected. However, let us assume that you have succeeded in obtaining the injunction or restraining order and there has been no cross-application from us, will we obey the restraining order that you have secured?

Do not think that it is as simple matter of  us evaluating whether we should obey it or not. You must keep in mind that we are entitled to do as we please, when we want, where we want and with whomsoever we choose. This includes you, probably more than anybody. We operate from a position of assumed superiority and we do not recognise or respect any boundaries. The presence of a restraining order is regarded as a terrible and unjustified imposition on our capacity to do what must be done. In order to understand whether we will comply with it, you must understand how it fits into the narcissistic dynamic. This differs dependent on the type of narcissist your order is against.

The Lesser.  The Lesser Narcissist, although he has a lower control threshold, meaning his fury is more prone to erupt, he also has less energy and motivation to embark on a hoover. In such circumstances, whoever it is who has to serve the restraining order is likely to receive the initial backlash as the Lesser’s fury erupts on receipt of this criticism. The provision of such a shackle on his ability to do as he pleases amounts to a considerable criticism. Most process servers will serve the order without providing fuel. The same goes for the judge, if the narcissist has attended court to challenge the application. You can expect an immediate eruption in such circumstances and the Lesser will lash out at those in the vicinity.

Once this fury has abated, will he obey the order? The existence of the order acts to raise the bar rather high in respect of the Hoover Execution Criteria. This makes the prospect of successfully extracting fuel harder and therefore even if there is a Hoover Trigger, the existence of the order means that the criteria is far less likely to be met, you will be left alone and the order will be obeyed. Note how it is not the order per se that causes compliance, but its effects on the Hoover Execution Criteria. That is why it is necessary to understand how a restraining order fits into the narcissistic dynamic.

The circumstances where the Lesser is likely to break a restraining order are: –

  1. If you criticise him and ignite his fury, for instance if you contact the Lesser by telephone. The ignition of fury will mean he will have no regard for the order and come after you in order to seek fuel to deal with the wound you have caused. It may be the case that the Lesser is forbidden from coming near you, but you can still contact him if required (if indeed you actually wanted to); or
  2. You do something which lowers the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria. Thus if the Lesser happens to see you somewhere, perhaps by accident, the presentation of potential fuel in this manner means the criteria will be more readily met, a hoover will take place and the order will be broken.

The Lesser is not concerned with the downside of breaking the order.

The Mid-Range. The Mid-Range narcissist is of all the schools of narcissist most likely to obey the order. This is because his passive aggressive nature does not lend itself to contravening the order, combined with the raising of the HEC bar as described above. You should also note that he has an increased cognitive function so that he is well aware of the downside of contravening the order and the consequent effect on his liberty which will thus in turn hamper his fuel gathering capabilities. If the Mid-Range is going to breach the order, he will do so by utilizing a proxy to approach you on his behalf. This will not be done in any aggressive way, but rather as a pity play beseeching you to stop this unnecessary action and “can we not just talk to one another like reasonable people”. This is a ploy through a third party to cause you to lower your guard so a hoover can be effected and without any consequence. If you agree, the hoover will not be malign, he will seek positive fuel in order to build a bridge to keep coming back for more.

The Greater.  The HEC bar is raised but the Greater has greater energy and cunning to address this adjustment. He also has a greater sense of entitlement. The Greater is well aware how the downside of contravening such an order will have against him. He will know it will impact on his capabilities for gathering fuel and also damage the façade. He is however driven and regards the appearance of such an order as a challenge for him to flex his cunning and manipulative muscles. The Greater will not be able to resist the opportunity for game-playing but will do so in a manner which minimises risk to him. He will have the arrogance to assume he will not be caught, but lack the stupidity to blindly contravene it. Instead, he will utilize all manner of tactics to breach the order but through others with no link to him, he will rely on plausible deniability and the threat of breaching it, to cause consternation on the part of the victim. The Greater will not want to suffer the downside, he is wary of this, he does not want his standing to be affected by it and the effect it will have on his carefully constructed façade, but the temptation of the fuel and the desire to win, by outsmarting the order will usually prove too great. If there is a trigger and the HEC is met, the Greater will hoover but will do so in a clever manner. There will be no crass and blunt weapon involved. He will aim to breach it, but through clever manipulation, the use of others and the complete avoidance of repercussions for him.

11 thoughts on “Showing Restraint

  1. Kel2day says:

    Ugh!! I pointed my finger and laughed at the narcissist boss yesterday!! Big narc no no! He called me in the hall so he could jokingly slam the door since we’d had a disagreeing discussion about the company, and the courier stepped out of the bathroom right to the door where the boss had to stop the door from slamming into him. It was slapstick funny & I playfully pointed my finger saying See what happens? I saw him looking at my finger pointing at him while I laughed. I didn’t think of it at the time as anything but playful and funny. When I left the office, a half hour or more after he did, there was an odd trail from the rear of my car in the parking lot out to the street, like water or oil dripping from a car except for a strange rectangular shape spot on the ground under my bumper area. My car had been sitting there for about three hours, if it was from a car before me. I drove to the store, then home, then worried about it later. Why? Because the boss is malignant, he’s got something evil in him though most people never see it. Last time I experienced it, I had playfully insinuated I was the one in charge. Next thing I noticed the next day is that the blooms in the bushes we’d walked past were all dead, then in a meeting a gnat flew over to me and dropped on my lap, dead I assume, I stood up and it slid off my lap. That day I got a call that my beloved dog who was staying with my daughter was ill and would have to be put down.

    This morning I woke up around 5:30 to the sound of something moving. It was a fly or some flying bug above me, flying badly, ricocheting back and forth hitting the ceiling then the wall and back. I turned on the TV for some other sound, and it clumsily flew somewhere behind it, and that was it, no more of that bug. I got out my cell and put in a prayer request online, and I said prayers. A lot of you don’t believe there’s anything beyond us, but there’s more than three dimensions going on. Anyway I’m not messing with him anymore, he’s malevolently not worth it, he’s messed up and messing with me, and dangerous. I don’t even feel safe just innocently kidding with him, you never know when there are things going on brewing inside him, and you trigger him accidentally. And I’m counting on nothing bad happening, but the fact it crosses my mind out of experiences with him, is bad enough in itself.

  2. Bubbles 🍾 says:

    Dear Lori n Samantha,
    These stories are so devastating yet so frequent ….. saddening to hear
    My mother’s psychopathic husband (my stepdad) hit her on her wedding night ! (He won Mr Charm of the year award prior to their nuptials) they were married within a short period of dating, she was out within 3 months of wedded unbliss, having planned her strategic escape ….pretty much left everything behind, only had our suitcases
    The thing is …. you don’t know until you live with someone !
    Golden rule …… always have an exit plan (especially financially) just never know
    My hearfelt wishes to you both
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    1. Samantha says:

      Bubbles That’s scary! Sure glad your mom made her escape. Those kind of stories just make you lose faith in humanity. Things have sure changed from when I was young. Once years ago when I was temporarily staying with a guy, on a particular night he became real mean and angry for no reason and seriously threatened me. (Later, he claimed to have a split personality.) His threats really pissed me off, but I didn’t show it. I didn’t say a word. I just retired for the night. The next morning at breakfast, I was still pissed. He had turned back into his nice self, trying to be all sweet and nice, and served me breakfast. Inside I was fuming. I gave him a real mean look and told him, if he ever laid a hand on me, I would take a cast iron skillet to him when he was sleeping, and he wouldn’t wake up. Scared the you-know-what out of him. I left that day, and never saw him again.

      1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

        Dear Samantha,
        Have cast iron skillet pan, will travel … haha
        No seriously, I think I would’ve left that night, I wouldn’t have been able to sleep!
        So glad you left asap and got away safely
        Most blokes you come across these days all seem to have some sort of mental issues, depression, on drugs, alcoholic, or a narcissist
        A girl can’t win !
        No wonder long engagements were fashionable 💍they knew a thing or two back then … haha
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        1. Samantha says:

          Bubbles, I long for the old days. Today the world is upside down.

          1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dear Samantha,
            Respect and general etiquette .. fewer people seem know the true meaning
            The dating scene these days appears to be …….
            “I’ll see your fake and raise you a fake”
            Sadly, I can’t see it improving
            Ummmm, no thanks
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  3. Sunshine says:

    I have to say that an order of protection does work on your type – your type violated the order and now there is a warrant for his arrest – that DID STOP THE STALKING – THE ENTILEMENT AND BOUNDARY VIOLATION –

  4. Samantha says:

    As always, HG nailed it! Years ago when I filed for a Restraining Order against my then Lesser Narc, we were ordered to Mediation. (I didn’t know anything about Narcissists back then. He also had a Borderline Personality Disorder, but I wasn’t aware of that either.) We had separate appointments with the Mediator. At first, the Mediator was fooled by my Narc. She thought he was harmless and tried to dissuade me from pursuing the RO, tried to get me to reconnect with my Narc. But I stood my ground and did not relent. At the last meeting I had with the Mediator, she was clearly shaken. She described an outburst he had in her office. In the end she said, “You need to get away from him! You MUST get that Restraining Order!” He fought me in court as well, but I got the RO. A couple of days later, he violated the Order when he tried to get in touch and left a message on my Telephone Answering Machine. I knew several people in the Police Department, so I called one of them and told them he violated the RO. I heard about what happened next. A couple of cop cars pulled him over. They searched his car, gave him a real scare and a stern warning not to bother me again or he would be arrested for violating the Order. He never tried to get in touch again until after the RO expired.

    The Lesser-to-MidRange Narc that I recently distanced myself from is a different guy with a whole other set of circumstances. Outwardly, the two men seemed very different in many ways…until the devaluation and outbursts, but I put a stop to that right away. Still, the whole thing left me heartbroken and bewildered. I could not figure out what happened!

    Thank God I found HG! All of my questions were answered through his writings and videos. Now I will be able to recognize a Narc, but I won’t be looking to have another relationship. I’m not a spring chicken, and I just don’t need any more BS in my life. I love men and always had them in my life as friends (much more so than women), co-workers, or a lover, but I can’t go through that again. I was living quite content before I got involved with my Narc. Now I’m working on erasing the once-wonderful, now-tainted memories from my mind, but it can take a damn long time.

  5. Lori: He told you to move out from where you lived in the townhouse together, and you were not on the lease, and so you moved out for mental safety for yourself, and then he took you to court after you moved out over a private email or something that you sent to him at a later date? And then you were served to come to court because he sued you over that message you sent to him?

  6. Lori says:

    Ironically, I just experienced this except it was he trying to obtain an injunction against me! Even though i moved 500 miles away and had not spoken to him in weeks, the last message I left him was not a pleasant one and was solely intended to wound his pathetic ego. I believe it was something about him being old and lacking in virility, …something of that nature. Anyway he obviously took it very badly and tried to hurt me further over it. Unfortunately for him, I am much smarter than he gave me credit for and was there in front of the judge smiling with plenty of documents disproving every ridiculous claim he made against me. Even in the face of the evidence in the judge’s hands, he continued with his vicious, fictitious narrative determined to be RIGHT. She obviously saw right through him and it was dismissed promptly.

    Even after all that he had done to me to bring us to this dreadful place, I am still shocked to think of all the lies he claimed in his court affidavit, and the ability of him to face the judge and continue to lie in the face of evidence just to hurt me, as if he hadn’t done enough. Seeing this side of him has truly frightened me.

    He was the Master at future Faking, this I learned the hard way. After spending a year and a half planning to buy, decorate and move into our dream home together, it was the day before my movers were coming to move me into our new home when he just decided he didn’t want to see me anymore.

    Never mind that I had given notice to my landlord and had to move out of my townhouse, never mind that I gave away my beautiful furniture because he had to have everything new, never mind that I had no place to go, he had made a decision and that was that and he was determined to not speak to me again about it at all and he hasn’t. He future faked right up to the very last minute and realized he was trapped in his own lies. The injunction request was just the unexpected slap in my face on top of the trauma and despair that I had already suffered.

    1. Samantha says:

      Wow, that’s awful! I’m sorry you had to go through that. After living a lifetime, now I believe it’s best to wait for intimacy, living together, etc. until AFTER marriage…but then one has to be very careful not to marry a Narcissist or someone with a personality disorder! That’s the tricky part. Best wishes.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

The Dozen of Dismay

Next article

House of Tudor