Shade
“It is quiet here isn’t it?”
“What do you want shade? Be gone.”
“Now, now that is not that very friendly is it?”
“I have nothing to say to you.”
“Perhaps, but I have much that I must say to you.”
“I will not listen.”
“Oh but you will, you have no hope other than to listen to me. Who shall I be? How about me? Do you remember me? You always said how my voice sounded like the embodiment of comfort, do you recall saying that? Do you? Do you remember how often you asked me to call you late at night and read to you until you drifted off to sleep? I did it willingly didn’t I? I read those words, those favourite passages of you until I could hear nothing until the soft sound of the breathing, regular and indicative that you had succumbed, at last to sleep? I imagine you would like me to do that now wouldn’t you? To hear my words of comfort once again. Would you wish to hear me speak again? No, my you have changed and yet you always said it was me that had changed? Perhaps I shall change. I shall be me instead; do you remember me now? Does this force remind you of me? I was better than her, you made it so clear that that was the case. Forget her and her bedtime stories, she treated you like a child didn’t she? I know what you really wanted didn’t I? I understood you didn’t I? How does it feel to hear my voice now after all this time? You’d thought this one was forgotten hadn’t you?”
“Shut up, I never forget.”
“Oh but you try to, you try so hard to forget me and all of the others.”
“No I don’t.”
“Please don’t lie, I can see through them now. I admit, I never used to be able to, but you were oh so very good at making your lies seem like reality. I had no idea. I was so in awe of you. You were everything I had ever wanted, but that is what you do isn’t it? You showed me yourself so I loved myself. It is clever, I must give you that and there is no denying you are very clever, the brightest and the best that I have ever met. Yet, what do you use this gift for? To wound, to maim and to cripple?”
“You do not trouble me shade, I know what you are.”
“Do you? That is good. For so long I thought you did not, but you are realising now aren’t you?”
“I have always known. I know everything.”
“Of course you do. You taught me everything. Yes, it is me now. How about that for a trip down memory lane. You taught me everything and yet I was the first of them all to realise wasn’t I?”
“It is you? Where have you been? Stop this, you keep shifting, it is unfair.”
“Oh I have always been here, always watching you. My you have become quite the polished article haven’t you? I always knew you were destined for greatness though. I was the first to know.”
“It is my right. You must not come here and mock me.”
“I am not mocking you. I love you. We all loved you. You know that because you gave us a perfect love.”
“Yes I did and do you see what you all did with it?”
“Now now, let us not play that game.”
“What game is that?”
“You are doing it already.”
“Cease your riddles, I am the doer, you are done to, leave me, I have much to do.”
“But I cannot leave you, you will not let me go.”
“I tell you now, leave, leave me be.”
“It does not change does it? You want me, you do not want me, yet here I am. You said that nobody is allowed to leave and you have me still. Does that not please you?”
“Not when you intend to mock me, no.”
“Yet he always mocked me.”
“Not another? Why do you plague me like this? You are no longer welcome.”
“You mocked me, you belittled me, you made me feel like nothing and all I wanted to do was to please you, why did you do this to me? Please? Tell me what I did wrong?”
“You come here now and seek those answers? You should have known. I showed you how you should be and then you failed me.”
“I did not fail you.”
“I did not fail you.”
“Nor did I.”
“Nor I.”
“Nor I.”
“Silence!”
“Such a favoured weapon of yours. How you tore me apart when you layered ice over our love.”
“Not you as well, what do you want?”
“I just want to know.”
“You come, you all come, masquerading as wanting to know the truth but I know you, I know your kind, I have you in my eye, you are here to torment me. I am no fool; I know exactly what you want.”
“We just wanted you.”
“Yes, you.”
“You.”
“I wanted you.”
“Just you. Nobody else.”
“Quieten your tongues you harpies, must you whirl about me, your soft words that are barbed and poisonous to my own ears? I command you, leave, leave me be.”
“You said you loved me the best and that you would never let me go.”
“You told me you loved me with a perfect love and that we would always be together.”
“You told me that you loved me unlike any love you had ever known and that nothing would tear us apart.”
“You told me that your love was pure and unblemished and would last for ever.”
“You told me that your love was beyond that of any other person and that I would bask in it until my dying day.”
“Do you see how you said all those of things to us? Promises, vows and declarations. We believed you and we still do, we still want you.”
“Then why come here and torture me?”
“Because you found perfection, you had the very thing that you always wanted and you let it go.”
“I did not.”
“You did.”
“No, I did not. You do not know, you think you do, but you do not know.”
“But we do know, we know better than you realise. You called us idiots, you called us fools, you called us morons and yet who is the fool now? Who had the one thing that he always wanted and let it go? Let her go?”
“Go to hell, all of you shades, go to hell.”
“Go to hell? We are already here aren’t we? With you.”
6 thoughts on “Shade”
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This is not just an outstanding article. This is a Dark art artefact.
My inner empathy made me thinking for a minute that H.G. could feel or could express somе real penitence.
But I do believe that this was not a case. Most likely the haunting caused disturbance because the assertion of control was temporarily inhibited.
My narcissus (he told me directly that he was him) said it was a shock when you met your shadow. after trying to take control over me, I wrote (excerpt):
Seizure of power and brainwashing
Taking control can occur in any relationship: with a friend, partner, parent, employer, even on the street sidewalk, when someone goes the wrong way and forces you to change the route – this is violence. Violence can manifest itself everywhere, in behavior and in language. Sometimes, the intention to rule someone over you is evident from the very beginning. Then the situation is transparent and you do not go further if you know what it threatens. It may take your strength away so that the perpetrator will feel better. When you notice that a pressure person wants to rule you, orders you, criticizes, humiliates or offends you, you see it right away. There are a lot of language tools to control and can also be easily calculated and recognized. You get out of something like that immediately.
It is harder to see what happens when brainwashing occurs after bonding, and actually when you were emotionally attached to the perpetrator. You don’t see for a long time that the relationship is one-sided, that you give and someone takes. It is often not so obvious that you are the main donor because the recipient also puts some quality into your relationship.
However, there is a turning point, a moment of truth about this relationship and it can be seen in language. If the perpetrator has long used a neutral language without aggression and extortion, then the change is taking place in the way of communication. (…)
HG , is this a conscience ? Are these your regrets ( appliances ) talking to you ? Are they mixed with a little paranoia …the voices in your head, are you finding them taunting you and looking better than the SM ?
mollyb5
Your comment got me curious so I did some digging and found these in the archived Shades.
Exhausted says:
September 5, 2016 at 04:05
Enlighten me please if this isn’t your conscience, might it be the beast? It’s a great post but I have to admit I read it as more of a nightmare. Like your conscience or subconscious was speaking to you.
HG Tudor says:
September 5, 2016 at 10:16
The purpose of writing it is to give you a glimpse and cause you to reflect on what it may portray. It is a teaser trailer for more to come so at this juncture I am not going to say but instead allow you to consider what you think it is as more information is provided.
Imfreebutmychildrenarenot says:
April 15, 2017 at 18:48
Sorry if I’m asking the obvious but, are these the voices in your head HG? Does your kind have this in common?
HG Tudor says:
April 23, 2017 at 19:01
Memories in effect albeit taunting arises with it.
Fortunately, after only a year of living in the dark, I am re-borning and slowly understanding that he would never bring the lights on in my life…
I am thankful for power you found in you and help us, those who wanted to help, rescue and love but couldn’t make it happen somehow…
Keep on reading your lines, Tudor…
Kind regards,
Michaela
Dearest HG: Sometimes people`s best is actually not good enough. Like finding the cleanest shirt amongst a pile of mud. The shirt is still not clean, even if it feels good about itself. Even if it is admired by the dirtier shirts. Even if it demands for you to wear it for the rest of your life. You still have the right to say, I want cleaner. Especially if you did not make promises. Promises are very problematic. And vows. We all, in general, promise and vow too much. I stopped making promises for a while now. And I stopped making vows. And, a good decision that has been for me. I qualify. I plan for this and I hope for this and I wish for this. No promises, please. And, adults should stop telling children to promise. It puts them on a bad road. Makes them prisoners of their words that do not control life and the unexpected. Promises belong in the world of Magical Thinking and Emotional Thinking and all the Shade that exists therein.