I Am Empty – I Show You What You Want To See
There is a vast emptiness inside of me.
Whatever was meant to be there is not there and instead this chasm remains, an expansive void that is dark, deep and perpetual. I remain ahead of this void because it wants to consume me and in so doing consign me to oblivion. This relentless black hole wants to devour me, breaking down all that I have achieved and crushing them into nothingness, a final insult against me as I disappear without trace. A terrible matter to contemplate that as this extinction is aimed at me is the prospect of never having mattered, never having existed and never having made a mark on the world. To be erased in an instant, obliterated and deleted.
I am fearless in all that I do, save that is this void, this nothing which is the architect of one total fear. It is against this constant fate that I drive forward. You see, hurled into this void is The Creature and he is scrabbling to escape it so that with dreadful suicidal intent he can wrap his sinewy arms about me, his yellowed and sharpened teeth plunging into my neck, his venom paralysing me as he gurgles and giggles, hauling me backwards off the precipice and into the void, the pair of us plummeting into oblivion.
That must not happen.
In order to keep him deep, deep down in the void it is necessary to imprison him and keep his vile and seditious whispers silenced. This means filling the void. Imagine he lurks at its very deepest point. He wishes to keep the void as it is. Vast and empty, since by doing so he will be able to then clamber out and grab me, dragging me down back into the void. He needs the void to be just that. He needs emptiness so he can reach out of it unhindered. He needs the void to be just that. He needs emptiness so he can destroy me through its unrelenting absence of anything.
I cannot have emptiness.
This void must be filled and it is filled with fuel. Each piece of fuel places a layer within the void and behind each layer The Creature becomes imprisoned. Oh he will wail and protest but as those layers become thicker and more numerous his wretched cat calls become muffled and then silenced. He cannot break through these layers, he cannot reach out and burst through the constructed layers to sabotage my existence. Each layer differs in depth, strength and duration in accordance with the type of fuel that I am able to gather and place within the void, fashioning my construct.
The smile from a stranger is a thin and ephemeral sliver. The admiration from a newly acquired primary source is a dense and durable slab that protects me and makes the construct strong. Piece by piece, layer by layer, each segment of fuel, positive and negative, reinforces the construct, fills the void and keep The Creature at bay.
One cannot rest for these pieces dissipate and melt away through time. The Creature picks at them, claws at them, raking through them. Your treacherous criticism punches massive great holes in them allowing the mocking howls of The Creature to echo to me. See now why we hate criticism so vehemently?
Fuel fills the void. Fuel creates the construct.
The fastest way to gather fuel is to show you what you want to see for then you will pour forth with your love, your delight, your admiration and your appreciation. Marvellous, edifying and filling is your fuel. If I show you the very thing that you want to see, namely yourself, you will give me this fuel more readily, with such potency, often and in huge amounts. I have not time to build something of substance for you to fall in love with, to admire and desire. I must create it with due expedience and what better way than to use that which already exists, namely you. Thus, I show you yourself through my mirror and you fall for that image believing it to be me, believing it to be my essence and substance.
You do not realise that you are seeking yourself and indeed you do not see yourself when I mirror you back at yourself. You are conned by my fakery into thinking that it is my substance that you see and it dazzles and enchants you. I care not. So long as you are providing me with that fuel, I will hold up that mirror to you and let you fall in love with yourself. It is an artifice, a fabrication and fakery but it is necessary.
I give you what you want. It is not real but it seems so real to you and thus your responses are in fact real. The delicious fuel flows and I want you to pour it into me, filling me up, creating a barrier of salvation between me and the Creature as you are chief architect in the plans to frustrate and defeat his attempt to dethrone me.
This is why when you are installed as primary source and your wonderful fuel flows you truly are everything that matters to us.
You are our salvation and if holding a mirror up to achieve this salvation is what must be done, then it will be done.
24 thoughts on “I Am Empty – I Show You What You Want To See”
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I see the “creature.” He is his own worst enemy. Destroys friendships he needs for fuel. I try to rebuild them even if I know it’s to criticize me as I have plenty of love. Let him have friends. He needs it to live. He Hurts me but hurts him as I am amazing fuel. I feel his fear when I remove myself from him or set boundaries and calmly keep reality in check. He spins. I give him the unconditional love. As he suffers. Knowing the mid ranger I complement on his fixing of the clogged drain. Great job wow! But Ignore unwarranted pity plays calling it a cultural thing. He mocks me that I would lose a limb and not complain. A cultural thing. He is different. Not less. But a long rocky difficult path with no ending. Nothing seems to fix it. It’s like these little eyes looking for hope and All I can do is sense the creature try to find a band aid but not cure the problem. I need to do something different. But I see and feel those eyes looking to me.
Also I had a dream. I left recently. He gave his horrid bowls of abuse. He Hoover’s nonstop. He never leaves me. He hacks, gets neighbors to spy and admits to watching old videos. My dream The day I left my marriage was about a blacked cloaked man. He turns to face me. The cloak falls and it’s only his eyes. No face. He stares without blinking as he looks for hope not help. Could that be part of the addiction. Sensing the dark emptiness befalling our loved one but sensing the need. The need for a breath, a spark, a hope. Is there life without hope? Do narcs have hope HG?
I am strong, successful in professional matters and personal. Gobs of love. I know I need to leave but I sense his need for hope. I feel he puts me in his pocket like a stone. He grips tight to this Little Rock. Never letting go. But he is like the John Updike character, killing bunny while wanting to be loved. I am not a little bunny. I am aware and need to leave but those eyes haunt me.
Hello Contagious, Please enter The Knowledge Vault and type in the word “addiction” in the search box. You will find an excellent trio of assistance packages well worth purchasing. These packages detail how empathic emotional thinking, allied by the empath’s inherent addiction to narcissists, work together to fool the empath into thinking and behaving in ways that keep you stuck in relationships with a narcissists. You may also wish to purchase, “Why Am I Drawn to Toxic Behaviors.” These will packages will go a long way in helping you see things clearly. You would also benefit from many of HG’s books available on Amazon. Start with “Fuel” and be sure to get “Escape”. Wishing you the best.
Thanks I will. I have bought over 20 books. My case is odd as it is truly me and his mum. No one else. He lives in isolation. I am so eager for HG words as my situation is odd. But sincere thanks for reaching out. I need it.
Contagious, you may best be served by not only purchasing those packages, but also a bespoke consultation with HG. It sounds like your N has a very small fuel matrix, but remember, he can draw fuel from strangers too. Ns do not operate on hope, they operate on the instinct from their defense which is complete. What you see as him holding out for hope is actually his need for your fuel and control. You mention he hurts you, this is his need to draw negative fuel. Please reread Fuel and Fury. As for you, your emotional thinking is hijacking your logic. If you have purchased the narc detector and confirmed your N is in fact an N, then you need to go. I know it will be very difficult for you, but staying will only result in more of the same behavior. HG says, “When you know, you go.” He is absolutely correct. No one can “love” the narcissism defense out of a N. I am sorry you are struggling, but with HG, I do believe you will find your way. Keep reading and listening. You will escape when you are ready.
I am waiting in n results but I feel bad know. I got a legal separation. I am 6000 miles away. I have made big steps but not the final one.
Contagious, There is no need to feel bad. You took responsible actions to ensure your wellbeing. Severing a significant attachment is difficult under any circumstances, but in your situation it becomes even more difficult because of your empathic emotions that can easily be manipulated. Wait for your N results, but regardless of the outcome, it sounds like you know you needed to take the actions you already have. Continue to choose what is best for your well being. You deserve a relationship that is free from abuse and one that is supportive and respectful. Imagine how different your life would be without the stress and frustration and guilt? Once you make a complete break and go no contact you will begin to feel better and eventually become a happy, healthy you–stronger and wiser.
I bought the addiction series. Read all books before. But this series was Helpful! Thanks FYC! Your input was also helpful. He does belong to online groups ie cricket or music. He gets into fights with these bloggers. I once said “ why do you care about them? Strangers really.” He said without his “spam he would go insane.” Fits. I also think that’s why we have had very long golden periods. Less fuel sources. But the two he has, mum and me. …The triangle…. Obvious. He went to a therapist last year as when we separated he suffered a “ breakdown” he says. Maybe mum ( narc) made him go. It was HER therapist after all. I question the quality of therapy…. What my husband took away from this was his incredulous belief that “ how could this therapist say he created the conflict between his mum and I like he did with his old mum ( gran) and mum growing up. Pitted each other against each other?” He was Stumped. Made no sense to him.
Contagious, I am very pleased you found HG’s ET package helpful, I did as well. As for your soon to be ex, they were simply attempting to manipulate you with the therapist. I have no statistical references here, but I would venture to say very few therapists understand narcissism beyond the broad brush strokes. Further, if prevailing estimates hold, 1 in 6 would be narcissists themselves.
I agree FYC! I think HG saved me hundreds. I am still waiting on narc test results. My situation is odd. BUT I brought narcissism up to a therapist we saw three times and he had to reach for the DSM to figure out what that was! This is Newport Beach and he isn’t cheap. Makes you wonder. You cannot ignore the factual truth of HG’s logic. It’s real. Scary real in its accuracy. I have a great life as I have a great career, kids, family and friends. I am still ensnared but only my toe is stuck. Learning. Thank you for your kind input! What kind of empath are you?
Psychopathy and spirituality –
How does a relationship with a psychopath / narcissist destroy spiritually?
As a spirituality I understand a connection with higher feelings – love, joy, peace – from this level, beings developed spiritually through intuition, meditation, prayer can be in contact with the Higher Self, with your Self – you can call it God. The psychopath / narcissus cuts us off from higher feelings, brings us to the mind – that is, emotions: shame, fear, guilt, etc. Being in emotions (in the mind) we are not connected with the present, that is, we are in the past that we fulfill our present time.
Being in mind and emotions, we regress and connect with similar emotions that we once experienced, and even in other incarnations (if you believe it) – we are experiencing our trauma and we are in the past projecting it into the future.
To consciously create our future, we must enter here and now and consciously establish a connection with the Higher Self, that is, with our higher feelings.
Why being in the mind trauma loses the possibility of contact with the Higher Self? because this structure in us is at a higher level than emotions and going down into emotions we lose the consciousness of connecting with the Higher Self, we lose the memory of who we are, we are a repressed child who no longer remembers love , harmony, higher states, loses memory.
This is a trap, because only now it is possible to consciously establish contact with our Higher Self – and communication through intuition and making our own choices of behavior. And this is freedom.
Great blog.
Thank you.
Ok, ugh.
HG, is there any known treatment to help a narcissist get out of the darkness or depression? Have you tried medication and if so, did any help? Thanks.
There is no cure.
The cure is the experience of all the unpleasant emotions – fear, shame, guilt, apathy, lust, fury, pride. It is a process of emotional purification. We get out of hell like this. Then we rise higher, there will be more emotions – courage, neutrality, willingness, acceptance. It’s growth. Then there will be: love, joy, peace, enlightenment. It is freedom and being able to make your own choices. You are saved. By myself. (More in David. R. Hawkins)
Wrong.
If you can feel any emotions: anger, fear, shame, lust, apathy – there is a chance that emotions will develop further. Grow. If you cannot feel the above, growth and salvation are not possible. It is possible or impossible.
There is no chance.
There is a way to force the narc to feel them.
STATE his emotions.
Example: When he projects, recognize the projection. Then mirror it back and TELL the narc what he’s feeling. “Is something frustrating you? You look angry. You seem upset. I can feel your seething envy / jealousy / shame.” The narc just doesn’t want to face them or admit them.
The narc expects you to regulate his emotions , and they are very pliable. You can actually see this yourself when (for example) you criticize the narc or call him out on some blatant hypocrisy. In this instant he doesn’t know “what to feel”…and if you want to experiment…. this is the time when you can suddenly burst out laughing, and he will join in the laughter as if relieved that you were “just joking”. You can fake that you were just joking, and he can’t tell!!
This was surprising to me.
When a normal / healthy person is angry (for example) or they are prodded and irritated enough… .. we openly show this emotion and remain irritated consistently until the feeling subsides , or there is some kind of resolution. But a pathological narc can actually be made to switch emotions like a puppet.
…… because nobody is easier to manipulate than a manipulator.
I have seen a pathological narc’s head go red with quivering lips and all. Like sudden demonic possession. and while he is experiencing this massive injury… I will mock him “Hello demon! What’s new in hell? “. This is when the Interaction ends because the narc needs to remove himself or he will implode. I am directly addressing the demon and he doesn’t know what to make of it.
I have seen this happen 3 times. The first time, I didn’t understand his tantrum. It was totally infantile and quite scary. The second time, I realized I was witnessing it again…. and I understood it as a ‘narc injury”. The third time, I played with it and mocked it.
I am now experiencing ‘the silent treatment” ( possible discard ) which I am enjoying immensely – now that I know exactly what I’m dealing with.
Terrible observations, Thomas and utterly wrong.
This is very creepy as I had a dream a couple months ago about my N. He started looking straight at me and slowly started to turn. As he turned I could see him from the side with a vast empty spot between his front and butt. NOTHING THERE!!!! Freaked me out. I woke up thinking YEP!
And the scarier part of it is I still stayed. 🙁