A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 108
You exploded into my world. Your voice, your presence…. I have never felt anything like it. I wanted you and had to have to you… I knew in that moment that you would be my saviour, but also my destroyer.
You captivated me. You intoxicated me. You were different, unique… you were lost, broken, and so sweet. You opened up, you became my world… I was infatuated, I was caught, I was captured, I was lost.
I struggled with our reality. My reality. I used you…… you were broken and I knew that. I was broken too. We melded, we escaped reality together…. I had no regard for the consequences…. limerence… being high, being out of control and in love.
I warned you to not get close. I warned you to not idealise me. I warned you not to put me on a pedestal. But you did… I knew what your dangers were and I fell anyway…. for you….
I took you to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows…. consciously…. deservedly…. but you always had the power, and you destroyed me… or I destroyed myself, as you said…. perhaps that’s true…
We were high under the stars…. a never ending jewel of light, on a night I’ll never forget…. we chose a star… I whispered that no matter what we become, that star will always shine for us, and what we are… and what we were…. the star was Vega…. and I still search for it when I look at the skies….
We said no regrets… We said we’d do it all over again if we had the chance…
But I knew what you were.
I knew we’d never have another chance.
But I took it, and grabbed it, and held it close… and I kept turning the pages… knowing how we would end…. knowing it was all a lie… knowing you would smash me into oblivion…
But, oh, how I loved.
Mai x
25 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 108”
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Thank you so much for your kind comments….. I feel very honoured that HG has published this letter….. I wrote it several months ago, at a stage where I thought I was making progress. I don’t know what triggered the need to write it, but when I did, I could barely type from the pure anguish running through my body. I didn’t even proof read it….. sent it off first draft, and fell into the deepest sleep I’d had in months…..
I absolutely love the Letter to the Narcissist series, but as the usual letters are more “Fuck you Narc, I am empowered and you’re a piece of shit so go back to your rock and stay there” type letters, I never thought mine would see the light of day, and to be honest, just the writing and sending was the catharsis I needed…..
As a little ending to this letter, I have a story, which really sums up my relationship with my ex…..
As noted in my letter, this particular night under the stars affected me greatly, it was so pure, and raw and such a bonding moment.
To capture it, I had a company called thenightsky print the exact date, time and place of our beautiful moment, and print how the solar system looked above us. They printed all of this information (date, time, location) and I added an Eckhart Tolle quote “To love, is to recognise oneself in another”. Underneath that, I simply wrote “No Regrets”.
I ordered this as his Xmas present, however we broke up a few months before that. I ummed and ahhhed about what I should do, but decided to send it to him. We were still in touch, I explained I couldn’t bear to throw it in the bin.
He thanked me, said he appreciated it greatly and was very touched.
We met up at the end of January, to have a “final” dinner. To pay respects to our relationship and to say goodbye in person. (We were LDR).
I asked him if he’d kept it and he said yes. I asked him if he had it displayed and he looked sheepish and said it was at his old apartment. (I’d literally found out the night before he had a girlfriend). I was surprised and asked had he already moved in with her? Yes, he replied. He’d sublet his old apartment to a friend. (bolthole, HG? Sound familiar?!)
Then he asked, very sincerely and puzzled, “ I’ve been so curious about the quote from Eckhart and the date and place…… did Eckhart do a lecture in Glen Rose on August 7th 2018? “
It was at this point in time that I realised, the night I held so, so dear, meant abso-fucking-lutley nothing to him! He couldn’t even remember it!!
Ahhhhhhh…… to all those entangled Empaths, to all those that are still embedded and soul destroyed……. you WILL get out of this…… you WILL see clearly again…… you WILL regain your beautiful power!
No Regrets.
Mai x
So many years, then used as ammunition, that meant absolutely nothing. Still smarts. A lot. Even when you think you are over the hurt it comes back like a slap sometimes. Your letter was beautiful,
Mai
Thank you for posting a comment that follows up on the real ending. It would be great if HG could tack it on to the end of your letter for the next time it’s posted. The letter romanticized a narcissist, and your comment with the hard truth that he didn’t even remember that night, sets it straight. They wash, rinse, and repeat everyday, like a reset button gets pushed in the morning, as HG put it. I don’t think it even occurs to them why it would bother us that they don’t remember or that they’re with someone else.
Mai
This was a great letter and although your story is different from mine I could feel the way you had remembered that night and how much it meant to you. I had a moment or two like that (although not nearly as romantic). My letter was also written at a time when I was still in a great deal of pain and grieving the loss. It felt so cleansing to write it and like you mentioned, I sent mine off without proofreading. When it was published it was like taking a walk down some sad memory lane because I had packed most of that grief up. I could not longer relate to the anguish that I poured into that letter.
I’m glad you were able to have that final goodbye. This is something I have longed for (and still do to some extent). The fact that he was not able to make the connection between the dates and your special moment is like a knife to the heart, but in the long run probably the final cut you needed to accept that while it was very real for you, it was meaningless to him. Just another symbol of what a relationship with a narc will always be.
Thank you Joanne. He remembered it, just not in the same way I did.
I am very much someone that lives a life for experiences…. he always envied this, so I thought I’d give him an amazing experience….. but in the end, our thought processes were too different.
But, I have moved on, and shaken him off, and I make love now to a man that genuinely enjoys me, and is able to be just who he is….who he was always meant to be…. completely, and imperfectly perfect.
I still search for Vega. I still know my ex, my T, will never find this embrace, nor this surrender.
And occasionally, I still weep.
And really, we should take the knife, or scissors, or fist or open palm that they use to assert their authority, and cut the tenuous strands that bind us to them….. and say thank you, but no longer, I’m done…. I’m good…. Not ever again…..
So much of this is similar to my journey.
“We melded, we escaped reality together…. I had no regard for the consequences…. limerence… being high, being out of control and in love.”
This is why it is so hard to give it up. I feel I want it back in any way possible.
“I warned you to not get close. I warned you to not idealise me. I warned you not to put me on a pedestal. But you did… I knew what your dangers were and I fell anyway…. for you….”
I can hear HIM saying this to ME.
So much duality here. So much.
A beautifully written letter.
Mai,
A song, from my heart to yours…but, as the piece’s ending words envelop you, I beg to differ…
“Life” didn’t kill the dream we dreamed – we did…for real hope – a true force that makes us Overcomers who can give much back🙌
“I Dreamed a Dream,” For you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wq3boAhq_as
💔💞💖
it reminds me Edgar Allan Poe
…and i hold within my hand
grains of the golden sand-
how few! yet how they creep
through my fingers to the deep,
while i weep- while i weep!
o god! can i not grasp
them with a tighter clasp?
o god! can i not save
one from the pitiless wave?
is all that we see or seem
but a dream within a dream?
I’d almost forgotten this one ceycey, thank you for writing it. I love Poe.
Ceyceyc,
Poe’s “The Haunted Palace” rather reminds me of narcissism.
Caroline;
i more focused on similarity between the name of the song and the part of this poem. i know The Haunted Palace from movie with the same name. at the end of the movie there is also that poem. it actually based on a H.P Lovercraft’s story and i didn’t know about the narcissism when I was watching the movie – i miss those days haha- i didn’t pay attention. i will read from different perspective, thank you
No need to, ceyceyc! I didn’t mean your perspective was wrong…the other poem just came to my mind then, after reading your post.🙂 That’s what great about poems though, as there is the author’s perspective/meanings — and then what we individually draw out of the pieces also.💌
Caroline;
“…That’s what great about poems though, as there is the author’s perspective/meanings — and then what we individually draw out of the pieces also”
you are so right. but i want to read because i’m really curious.
i listened to Frozen from Madonna, soon. I’ve known the song since it was first released but for the first time it made me feel like that it was written for a narcissist. i thought about all other things that i didn’t notice. your comment reminded me of these thoughts
Ceyceyc,
Thank you! I’m traveling all day, so I’m going to listen to “Frozen” on my Tablet now!🤗💙🌬❄⛄
This is beautiful and it just made me cry.
Same, Cyn. Same.
Unless this is When Narcissist’s Collide, this is sending way the wrong message.
HG, is there a cure for codependency?
When I told the boss narc I was thinking about leaving, he goaded me- You should, you should go- he repeated trying to get me to look up at him. When I raised my eyes to his face, I saw clearly and literally the big smiling mask he had put on, just like that theatre 🎭 mask, it was so spooky and fake and eerie, I couldn’t believe how obvious it was. I would’ve been so relieved at one time to see that reaction from him, but now I saw it for what it was -psycho and fake and demented.
Knowing is not buying it, it’s seeing it as something that’s inferior to you. It’s sure not embracing it.
kel2day, Firstly, I am not a narcissist……and although I have in the past questioned it, I have no outstanding traits that would confirm the diagnosis…… as confirmed by professionals…..
I am also not co-dependent….. although in the relationship with my ex, I was certainly manipulated, beaten down, dishonoured and broken, to a point where I was dependent on him…… but that stems from HIS character traits, and my ability to want to mould myself, latch on, and become his pain…… perhaps the essence of co-dependence you may ask? Not at all…… wrong place, wrong time……. right person….. right enabler. I can assure you, all of my relationships except 2 have been light filled, honest and healthy.
My letter was written at a time when I was still subjugated. Fraught. Stuck in a never ending loop of hell, dishonest love, broken.
I can assure you, if I wrote another letter (And I have ZERO desire to do so, because I gave myself the key, and let myself walk, stroll, run out, into the light) that it would be a very, very different story.
He was ALWAYS inferior to me. He was ALWAYS playing catch up in mind, wit and strength. However, I was caught in a small moment in time of my life, and I let him in, and saw the darkness that you speak of staring back at me.
We all have stories. We all have triggers that enabled these people to enter our lives.
My letter was the letter written from a moment in time that encaptured, entangled and ultimately broke the person that allowed him in.
And I will be forever grateful that I can never be that person again.
And I will forever be grateful that this site, and my fellow survivors exist.
Mai x
Mai
Please don’t be offended by my comment. It was not moderated until much later after you posted your first comment on your letter and I commented to you thanking you for adding it. I never thought you were a narcissist. I was concerned that it sounded like it was saying that we could have a romance with a narcissist knowing what they were, because your letter said that you knew what he was, and it sounded like you could handle it. Of course romance with them is unrequited and a one sided fantasy. Your first comment followed up on the letter straightening out that it had been beautiful for you but not as special to him, and I thanked you for posting that. As for codependent, they would probably say they know he’s a narcissist but it’s okay because being with him is worth it to them. I didn’t mean to sound like I was accusing you of being one, and I’m not really familiar with you to know better. I was disappointed the question wasn’t answered of if a codependent could be cured to where they wouldn’t be so attracted to a narcissist that they would sacrifice themselves just to be around one. Please know that I understand this site is therapy and sharing experiences is so good for all of us. I hope you understand I was just concerned that it sounded so loving and forgiving, I thought it sent a message that we could entangle with them and not come out hurt by it. That’s why I said in my comment above that it would be great if HG could tack your first follow up comment to the end of the letter before it’s posted again. Thank you for sharing it.
I wasn’t offended at all Kel2Day! We all have our own experiences from being entangled. As I’ve said many times, I love this site, and the insight from fellow victims. Everyone has a story, and while some chapters echo each other a little too eerily…… our stories are quite unique.
I don’t know where you’re at on your journey, I hope the days are getting easier for you to deal with and you’re on your way to true freedom.
It took me quite a while, but it was sooooooo worth it!
Mai x
Well, pretty accurate universal depiction of the beginning.
Funny thing, but at the beginning, when I still had my wits about me, he was telling me a fantasy about after making love, he would want to cuddle and watch videos of himself with me.
I said “Omg, you’re a Narcissist!”
(We are both musicians, btw)
He said “I’ve been called a lot of things. But Never a narcissist!”
It took 5 months more to realize I nailed it in the first week or so!!
During this weekends silent treatment, I believe I have inadvertently caused Narc injury. We both had new videos last week and mine did 10 times over as well. This is not going to go well if we resume communication. 😂🥶
Yes. That pretty much sums it up… and why I stayed with mine even after he told me what he was.
Beautifully written.