I still love you. No matter how awful you are, I never give up. You are convinced that it is you who are wronged by me. You see me as a weight around your neck. You do not see the things you have done to me as wrong. You justifiy them with real and imagined reasons. Things that can not be perceived as anything but wrong, you deny doing all together, or change the event to occur in a way it had not to alleviate any guilt from you.
When I met you, I was independant, and moving up in my career. I was a force to reckon with. I was lonely, but happy. You saw a weakness. You saw that I do not know how to be single and alone. You saw my fear of abandonement, and exploited it. Recently you admitted that you make it where I need you and can not live without you on purpose, and make sure you can live without me. If that is not direct and to the point nothing will be.
When my brother died, you laughed and told me I did not have a protector anymore. You gloated that no one would make you suffer any consequences for my treatment with him now gone. Then you watched as my connection to my family disintegrated from years of scapegoat abuse, and gloated that you are the only one there for me. No one will ever be there for me like you? My mother’s death signled my full isolation. I am alone with only you to turn to.
You have me completely dependant on you. When our son passed away, I pulled away from the world. I shut myself away and did not want to deal with reality. I did not realize at the time I had handed you the keys to control every part of my life. Now you sabotage any attempts to be independant or break free. Any job I take you refuse to give me a ride, or create an issue with the employer. Your favorite reason to make me quit a job is because it is too far to drive. It inconveniences you.
Now, I am a shadow of who I was. I have no one in my life but you. I have nothing in my life that does not belong to you. I feel like I am nothing, and if I stopped breathig no one would care or notice. That feeling was confirmed when you beat me a week ago. You had struck me before but never beat me. This time you kicked the shit out of me. I contacted the authorities. The officers said they would pay for a room for the night since I had no family. When they dropped me at the hotel, I was covered in your drink and my blood.
The people in the lobby stared and whispered as I physically shook. When it was finally my turn at the front desk, there was no room reserved for like the officers said would be. I provided the officers´card to the desk and they called. Dispatch responded and had no knowledge of this agreement. I got a ride back home. I think the people there thought I was homeless. they snickered and made snide remarks. The humiliation was too much.
The people in your life that knew what you had done only asked me if I told the police you hit me. No one asked if I was okay. No one cared when my face blew up three times the size it should from a tooth cracked and abscessed from the beating. Not a soul.
How pleased with yourself you must be. You can do whatever you want to me, and I can do nothing. I am no one, and no one cares.
Well, I will escape one day. I will escape either on my feet or in a box. I hope it will be on my feet. I intend to fight back. I will not go down with out a fight. So ready yourself.