Shell Shocked Silence
I was in a consultation with Dr E. We had been discussing the various methods by which I obtained fuel and the conversation had largely been given over to the question of the methods of obtaining negative fuel from those that I had ensnared.
“Tell me,” continued Dr E, ” about one of your favoured states to place a victim in.”
“Tough call that Dr E, I have several.”
“Select one then and tell me about it.”
“Why?”
“I am interested to ascertain what one the states is and in particular what you get from that.”
“Haven’t you been listening? I told you that it is the fuel that I obtain from their emotional reactions, especially the negative ones. That is what I get from these situations.”
“I recognise that but I have seen, through our consultations, that everything you do serves a multiplicity of purposes. Everything of course leads to the harvesting of your fuel but I have seen you gain other things beside your fuel.”
“Such as?”
“I have made notes but I do not want to prime you, I want you to describe the situation and then explain to me what you get from it,” pressed Dr E. I sat and regarded him for a moment. I tried to ascertain if he was getting something else from asking me about this. You see, I have worked out that Dr E is a rascal for projecting. He cannot help himself. He will suggest a methodology applicable to me when in fact what he is talking about is a methodology he wishes to apply. In this instance he was trying to get me to talk about the multiple benefits of a given scenario whereas what I knew was that he was getting more from this discussion than just receiving an answer to that question. I know your game Dr E. You think you are smarter than me but you are not. Still, I decided to indulge him. There was no need to let him know that I was on to his method.
“Okay. One of the situations that I like to create is one of a shell shocked silence.” Dr E began to write. I waited for his reaction before proceeding.
“I see. Please explain more to me.”
“Well, we have discussed at length the various manipulative methods that I apply to get fuel which bring about control and the diminution in my target’s capability to resist me. I lower their critical thinking, maximise their isolation and increase their reliance on me. The sustained and repeated application of these techniques often leads down the road to my target being left in a state of shell shock.”
I waited as Dr E continued to make his notes. He scratched his nose and then spoke.
“Do you do anything in particular that brings about this shell shocked state?” he asked.
“It is the culmination of a variety of manipulative techniques but there needs to be a final flourish, something that will tip this person over the edge into their numbed silence.”
“Such as?” he queried.
“Well, I find that a sudden escalation of a certain act or behaviour tends to tip the balance. It might be the violent destruction of something that they love right in front of them that causes them to stand shaking unable to speak. On another occasion I may reveal that I have been engaged in an affair with someone they trusted and felt close to, say a best friend or a family member. I do recall that once I was having sex with Alex and part way through I told her ‘By God Joanne you are so much better at this than Alex’. Truth be told it is really about the build up, the campaign has to be such that any resistance and ability to fight back must be totally eroded so that when this coup de grace is applied they are just plunged into a broken silence.”
“I see but how does silence provide you with fuel?”
“Easily. It is the tortured look on their face that provides me with the fuel, the strangled sob, the look of total and utter defeat in their eyes. Those tears which trickle down their face as they look at me in a mixture of horror and disbelief. I have told you before about how a wildebeest has that strange expression on its face, something between terror and confusion as a lion eats it alive. It is the same there. Bringing about such an expression combined with this silence produces premium fuel.”
I stretch as I savour the memories which flood my mind at the mention of this technique.
“What is it about that reducing this person to such a state that appeals to you beyond this level of fuel that you obtain?” asked Dr E.
“The fact that is demonstrates that I have total hegemonic control over them.”
“Leaving you able to do what?”
“Anything I like. After all, nobody prevents me from doing what I want.”
“By rendering them into this state you remove their capacity to object to whatever you do?” he queried.
I nod.
“But surely that makes them little more than an automaton and if that is the case how can they be of use to you in such a state? I should have though that they would now be devoid of providing you with the reaction that you require?”
“But this state is a reaction in itself Dr E, it is a pinnacle of the campaign and represents triumph on my part, it exemplifies my supremacy and my power and the desolate eyes, trembling mouth and forlorn expression all amount to a reaction and a satisfying one at that.”
“I see,” said Dr E and he continued to write. I waited for him to finish the sentence in his notebook before he looked at me.
“And of course ultimately there is something else that arises from this shell shocked silence.”
“What is that?” he asked.
“Silence gives consent.”
65 thoughts on “Shell Shocked Silence”
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Silence is not consent. Especially in this state. It’s not only fight or flight, there’s also freeze. Whatever allows you to survive was a successful trauma response at the time.
–Narc Angel. You described how to get revenge without doing anything. What if you don’t want to wound them but you just want to be left alone? I feel guilty ignoring this person precisely because I know it would wound him. He’s not that important to me anymore where I feel the pain of the memories. I want to ignore him because I want him to fade away from my life completely but I don’t want to wound him by ignoring him, partly out of fear of retaliation to be honest. What should someone do to get someone to leave for good without wounding them in the process? He doesn’t know he is a narcissist. He thinks he is a good person and he is, mostly. He’s just hurt me a lot in the past but I was the one who initiated the entanglement. He can’t imagine what I felt, literally. It’s hard to want him to pay for something he’ll never understand. He’s never been openly malevolent other than ignoring my needs but he didn’t have to respond either as he never committed to me. I don’t ever see a future with him anymore or ever as I fully understand that the emotional intimacy I want in a relationship is impossible with him. I don’t want to be the bad guy. He’s ignored me in the past but the difference is I have empathy and I know what I’m doing if I do that and I don’t want to be responsible for that damage to him. I don’t hate him. I just know he’s dangerous for me and I don’t want to be “infected” I guess you can say. If someone is diseased, and they don’t know it, how do you protect yourself and disengage without insulting them or harming them?
Hope
My view from here is that you are far too invested in the “feelings” you have created for him. He is not your responsibility and will continue on to abuse someone else without any concern for you. They sense concern as a weak spot to get in, so you are just leaving yourself open to more abuse. I suggested that wounding by ignoring is healthier and more effective for us than launching any campaign against them. Our silence is just sending the message that we will no longer tolerate their abuse. That empowers us. The wounding is HIS response to that, which is not within my control and none of my concern. They don’t sit around thinking “woe is me, Hope hurt me and my inner child”, they simply latch into another victim while thinking “Hope who?”. Think about it this way – his “wound” is that you will no longer allow him to abuse you.
Ohhhh wowwwww… NarcAngel. Thank you!!!
Sorry about the double response. My word press plays up. Thank you so much for your answer to what happened HG. I thought that was the case after reading your book Fury. It certainly makes things clearer to me and maybe the respect I got when we met up again five months later.
You are welcome.
The scene that you describe to your doctor that is supposed to result in negative fuel regarding the remark to your s.o. about her best friend ; that would not result in control of anything unless you were wanting to permantly drive someone out of your life. That would be the achieved goal in addition to negative fuel am i correct? Thats where such a stunt would land somebody who tried that on me.
Hg when you say that dr e projects is he of the brethren and he doesnt know? Another great piece by the way like to hear the dialogue in the sessions thanks for sharing.
He is. He does not know.
so the best way to discard a narc, is to completely and utterly forget his existence permanently. the second any text/email comes in…boom deleted. never read ect. i am never going to be this man’s victim again.. nope
Wrong.
There should never be a text or email coming to you in the first place as you should put yourself beyond electronic contact.
Unfortunately, there will be always someone who will share your information with the narcissist without your consent. Not only friends and family but also bank employees, medical assistants, social workers, therapists. There are people who do not mind disclosing sensitive information despite data protection policies.
The Narcissist’s attorney sent me an email last night accusing me of lying about something so trivial. I didn’t even answer because I know she was more wounded about me ignoring her, than whether or not I lied. I believe she is an Upper Lesser. She threatens a lot when trying to get control of a situation. She ended the email with, “if you do not answer my email this time, I will take this as you admitting fault.”
I still didn’t answer.
That’s a big one for narcissist to try to get you to engage. They accuse you, and if you don’t answer to their accusations, then you must be guilty! Lol
I enjoy the dumbass blank stare (or verbal shutdown) of a Narcissist who just had his or her ass beat by me (no fists or feet necessary)!
HG, I notice that you use the word ‘hegemonic’ a lot. What do you mean by it? It usually has a sociopolitical meaning – naturalized power that serves the interests of a dominant class (e.g. capitalists in a capitalist system). So do you mean that your victims accede to your dominance/control without realizing that they are doing so?
In essence, yes, I am the governing power and I obtain consent to my rule from those who I subjugate. The subjects do not realise the ways in which they are being subjugated.
Well, that is a new usage for me and it is grandiose, but I guess it fits! What you are doing here is presenting a narcissistic ideology (that is, making evident what is otherwise naturalized) and raising empath consciousness of subjugation. Empaths need to rise up and seize the power! I like it!!
Fabulous artwork.
They can leave us speechless and with the thousand-yard stare.
H.G. tutor
By not reacting at all….giving you complete silence,
No expression, or maybe a evil chuckle back, and then…block you…silence you!
Would that shock you? Or leave you thirsty? Or want me back ?
Why torment if you want to keep them??
The other can play the game back to hurt you
Would you ignore, or try to get them back….
Question
If a narc says he’s patient,
What does he mean??
( love bomb till she caves?)
Thx
(Blocked my narc today, and found the best sex I ever had…
I was to loyal, kind, giving to him who gave me nothing, whilst many woman , girls you name it..
But!!
He says were not in a relationship!!
A player’s heart must be tormented…
It depends on context, but what you describe will either wound (causing an ignition of fury) and the need to assert control or Challenge Fuel which will not wound but will result in a need to assert control. The response of the narcissist will be to assert control and this will be done in differing ways dependent on context.
It is emotional thinking to state that a player’s heart must be tormented. Apply no contact.
Of Course !Those who don’t speak out agree ! Its a saying in some languages.
Dear HG, is wanting negative fuel sadism? You could feel powerful from knowing you could do that, but not actually doing it. But you like the negative fuel.
Wanting negative fuel is being a narcissist.
Thank you HG. You are the best teacher in the world. Sometimes I get a grasp for Narcissism and sometimes I get confused. One day it will all be clear.
To my King,
Do narcissists have varying degrees how badly they’re afflicted with this disorder.
The MMR said to me “I’m not as crazy as your ex, but I’m not normal”.
No.
Thank you so much HG. This question consumed me. I like that answer
HG, I find all your works fascinating, but now and then you come out with something that terrifies me to my core. This piece is more disturbing than any horror story I have ever read. The thoughts and actions you describe are truly evil, no other way to say it. I’m going to have nightmares about this. You probably give your therapists nightmares.
They deserve them.
Based on a percentage how often would you say manipulations have been plotted vs. instinctual for you? I know they are generally instinctively deployed for most..
80/20
Hi HG, What is the difference of silence as giving consent vs silence as refusing to give fuel? I mean, what’s the difference between silence that will give fuel versus silence that will cause wounding?
You can be silent and give fuel by virtue of your facial expression, the look in your eyes and your body language.
A silence that will wound is where you say nothing on the telephone for example.
Thank you HG! It’s so hard to figure out which is wounding, fueling or challenge fueling. Any slight difference in the situation can change. Next Tun I encounter such I will consult with you to be sure. I thought that when I took the high road and didn’t react to my sister’s provocations I was cutting the fuel source, but now I realize it could have meant giving consent to her and thus giving her a sense of superiority. I had a wife of a doctor whom I suspect is a narcissist get livid with me when I told her on the phone that it isn’t my job to be at her beck and call when she way telling me that she was offended when I told her that I was too busy. This was before I found Narcsite. I told her that if she doesn’t stop I will hang up and it just made her get mad at me over the phone even more so I hung up. She then tried to call repeatedly so my husband’s solution is to disconnect our phone. After several hours we thought to reconnect our phone and there she was calling again so we disconnected again. She then emailed my husband telling him that they need to had a discussion about me which he ignored. He then started to ignore her. From her reaction, it seemed that my hanging up gave her challenge fuel instead of wounding. But that was probably because before I hung up I told her that it’s not my job to be at her beck and call and also because I gave her a warning which she probably took as a challenge. Dealing with narcissists are so complicated!
It is actually straight forward but your ET and lack of expertise obscure it, that’s why I am so necessary.
You’re right HG. We are fortunate to have you in our side.
You are necessary! You are the only narcissist I really care for.
Hi Mommy, 💕—I’m still deciphering the wounding vs. challenge. I just asked on another thread! Maybe we will figure it out eventually!
Lorelei
I understood HG to be saying that the difference between wounding and challenging is:
If the narc senses loss of control and you are not providing fuel, it is wounding.
Loss of control + no fuel = wounding
Correct.
Oh wait, thank you. I think I’m getting it now with the way NA put it. Thanks NA.
So HG, back to the docto’s wife scenario:
She didn’t show up at the agreed date and time to meet up with me to pick up my stepson (entitlement) and she has done this several times ago. She called me a day after to tell me to meet her up that morning so she can pick up my stepson so he can play with her son who is also special needs. I told her without any emotions or explanations that I can’t because I’m busy. She said, “You’re busy?” I said yes and said goodbye. I must have wounded her. I wasn’t angry on the phone and she lost control. And
That evening she called to tell me that she was really offended that I said to her that I’m busy and started upbraiding me that I need to give a little bit. I told her that it’s not my job to be at her beck and call with some anger in my voice = challenge fuel.
She started yelling at me and I warned her that I will hang up if she doesn’t stop: loss of control with some anger than can be detected even though I was being as calm as I can = challenge fuel.
I hung up = challenge fuel because I did it after warning her.
When my husband didn’t respond to her email to him that they need to have a discussion about me = my husband wounded her.
Am I even close to getting it right HG?
Close.
Hanging up = wounding.
Ha! Thank you HG! It really is fascinating how what wounds is not what we would expect. Thank you for empowering us by teaching us the things that would be so hard for us to learn because we are just wired differently.
You are welcome.
Thanks NA—excellent reference point to keep in mind. I do indeed love the fact that he can truly F off. Why this has eluded me previously is nuts! It’s there now..
HG has explained that narcs are largely creatures of economy, but so too can empaths be. We do not need to seek revenge (I had to learn this). We can wound simply by doing nothing. Literally. When they start losing control and we do not give them fuel to fill the void caused by that lack of control we are wounding and getting our revenge without doing a thing. Stay silent and think of them as the wicked witch in OZ:
I’M MELTING!!!!!!
Yup. Sizzle you fucker.
Interesting NA—it’s so contrary to how we would perceive what really “hits.”
Hi Lorelei 💕. Yes we will. I think when we finally completely understand fuel we will figure this out.
Very good question MP! Thank you for asking it.
Thank you Foolme!! 💕😘
Your welcome MP. 😘💞
HG How does silence give consent ?
You’d speak up if you did not consent.
I’m usually trying to process what has just happened sometimes it is so shocking it takes a while by no means would I be giving consent
There in lies the difference in perspective.
Ok help me understand what you mean by that
I know two people can experience the same event differently because of their perception but it is real to each individual based on what their beliefs are about life ,is it like that or something like they know that there is no consent and disregard it because they believe consent is not something they need more grandiose way of thinking
The issue of consent is either never a consideration because of the sense of entitlement, if it is raised then the need for control means that the narcissism will cause a response such as “she consented” and will explain how that happened, silence being one basis for that. Read A Man For All Seasons by Robert Bolt.
I will thank you 😊
While processing what is just happened, I put my chin up place my hand on it, one finger over my mouth. Take all the time i need.And then calmly give my analysis about what is going on.
Of course this is way more easy when you already knew you are dealing with a narcissist. When i didn’t knew before the encounter i will know at that moment, it will suck and im going to need more time.
I know it’s easy said from the comfort of my own home. But i’m getting better each time,giving less fuel.
Dearest HG: I looked on Youtube and there is a Movie, A Man of All Seasons, starring Charlton Heston. Do you think this movie will illustrate your point regarding consent? I love the garments. The movie is about 2 and 1/2 hours long: https://youtu.be/Io8pDyalMps
So what would happen if, say I was Alex, got up and left the building without much verbal interaction?
What do you mean by “not much verbal interaction”?
I didn’t react to his silent treatment. I stayed quiet too and didn’t ask him what was wrong and I left when the taxi he ordered for me arrived without any protest. I just said one sentence that you said before would have been challenge fuel…but he gave me an Egyptian kiss goodbye one on each cheek…but then the next day, a barrage of insults via text!
The barrage of insults was a further attempt to place you under control. Your departure challenged him and he needed to do something in order to assert control over you.
I didn’t react to his silent treatment. I didn’t ask any questions, just left when the taxi he ordered (in arabic) during his silent treatment arrived. I left the building without any protest, just one sentence that you have already said was challenge fuel.