Why The Narcissist Must Reject Intimacy?
Narcissists abhor intimacy.
Why is that? It is an instinctive and necessary response. Intimacy creates attachment. As I have explained in Attachment Is The Seat Of Misery we attach our victims to us, but we do not attach to you. If we became attached to our victims we would not thrive and survive because our fuel needs would not be met as fully as they must be. We must be in a position to move forwards, unhindered, unfettered and unleashed. We must be free of anything which slows us down and prevents us from achieving The Prime Aims.
Our necessity of being able to jettison our appliances in one guillotine action drives this rejection of attachment and thus it follows, we have to reject intimacy. Intimacy creates bonds, it creates links, bridges and couplings – that is all very well when it is done to bind you to us, that is permissible but it must not and cannot be reciprocated.
Take for example a failing Intimate Primary Partner Source (“IPPS”) (a spouse, partner, boyfriend/girlfriend) who is no longer providing us with the requisite fuel, character traits and residual benefits which are necessary to our survival. This person has been idealised, they have been devalued and there has now been a disengagement trigger. We must reject them wholesale, we cannot dally about the task, holding on and keeping them as the IPPS when they are not functioning properly. That is highly likely to cause in all narcissists (save the Greater and even then to us it will still cause problems) a fuel crisis. A fuel crisis would arise because the narcissist would continue to engage with an appliance which is not delivering and the narcissist, if attached in some way, would be dedicating too much time for too little reward. Time would not be available to draw fuel from the secondary and tertiary sources to compensate for the shortcomings of this IPPS. The result would be a fuel crisis or at the least, a reduction in fuel levels which would cause the narcissist to function less effectively and feel the presence more fully of that ever present chasm of oblivion.
The narcissist may have a Candidate IPSS (“Intimate Partner Secondary Source”) waiting in the wings, ready to be crowned IPPS, but because the incumbent IPPS remains, this fresh, functioning appliance cannot yet be locked-on to the narcissist. Thus the narcissist finds themselves in a position of malfunctioning IPPS without being able to draw fully on the bountiful fuel (and other benefits ) of the IPPS-In-Waiting. A terrible state of affairs.
This is the scenario that intimacy threatens to generate. If intimacy is allowed then it will create tendrils that bind us to you and make it all the harder to jettison you at the flick of a switch or push of a button. By rejecting intimacy, the threat of attachment is countered. Intimacy, genuine intimacy can never happen, we are incapable of it and that is why there must be a wholesale rejection of it. Our narcissism means that genuine intimacy never gains a foothold.
Yet, what then of those narcissists that DO exhibit intimacy in the heady days of the seduction, those tender touches burnished with the fiery tinge of the golden period, those hugs, those delicate brushes of skin on skin, the gentle embrace of parted lips upon parted lips? I know many of you will have experienced that and indeed I have exercised such behaviour myself on many occasions – is that not then going to create intimacy and thus risk attachment which will prejudice our existence?
Not all narcissists will exhibit such intimacy. That is a preliminary point. It is far less likely to occur within the Lesser school of narcissist. It will be evident amongst Mid Range and Greater Narcissists. Why does it appear if intimacy is abhorrent to us? Simply, as with all matters ‘narc’, our narcissism causes us to do whatever is necessary to acquire what is required for our existence and supremacy. If that means mirroring your delight in rescuing puppies then we will do it, if that means demonstrating an enthusiasm for Asian fusion cuisine then we will do it, if that means singing along to Celine Dion then… well maybe there are some places we will not go. However, if intimacy is a necessary device (and it invariably is) to securing the seduction of a target then our narcissism drives down and supresses our innate abhorrence of intimacy for the purposes of the greater gain ; namely your seduction and ensnarement.
All well and good so far in using intimacy to ensnare, but where does that then leave us with regard to the risk of attachment and the consequential impact on our needs? Intimacy often appears through seduction. It is not felt, but rather it is administered as a consequence of understanding how the victim desires this, how it is so useful at supporting the illusion and enabling us to bring that victim under control. Of course its application is entirely instinctive (save with added calculation where a Greater is involved) and is achieved through copying what has gone before and is seen elsewhere – between other people, in books, in film, what is spoken of by other people in various forms. The intimacy is manufactured and applied with a skill which causes this counterfeit tenderness to appear genuine – but it is not.
It is superficial and merely a gloss. Yes, it appears to all intents and purposes to be something genuine. It is certainly real because you do not imagine it, but it is not genuine and because, as your emotional thinking surges owing to your repeated and sustained entanglement with us, you do not scratch beneath the surface and accept that what you see is what you are truly getting. Thus, since it is not an emotional response, but a learned one, this renders attachment unlikely to occur. However, our narcissism is not done yet. It must ensure that there is no risk whatsoever of attachment. Accordingly, Stage One is the process of preventing attachment through the application of intimacy in an entirely shallow manner. Stage Two is the process of devaluation.
The application of devaluation means that intimacy is withdrawn. Gone are the hugs either in their entirety or they are replaced by brief, card-board stiff interactions. The long, lingering kiss is taken from you and either has no replacement or is substituted with a brief peck on the lips, the cheek or the forehead. No longer will we hold your hand, no longer will we gaze into your eyes, no longer will we allow our fingers to trace the contours of your body making your skin tingle.
The application of devaluation and with it the removal of the false intimacy is a further safeguard to ensure that even IF there was a slight possibility of intimacy creating attachment, it is totally removed. Devaluation paves the way for an eventual disengagement (if there is a trigger) so that the disengagement is swift, effective and in one fell swoop.
Imagine if you will an escape chute. For this to be effective it must be clear and uncluttered. If vegetation (intimacy) grows across this chute it might block it altogether and prevent a prompt escape or it might be partial and slow and hinder the escape. Thus the false intimacy means that the growth of this vegetation across the chute is minimal, slow and far less likely. Devaluation is the flame thrower which comes along to burn away any encroaching vegetation, so come the point of escape (disengagement) this is totally effective.
Thus, our narcissism rejects true intimacy and applies false intimacy and then removes this false intimacy through devaluation. Accordingly, the rejection of intimacy means that attachment will not happen. Therefore, when our needs dictate you go and are replaced by another or just let go and existing appliances are relied on, the disengagement is swift, absolute and effective. We waste neither time or energy, allowing our resources to be wholly directed towards those prime aims and especially the acquisition of fuel.
Intimacy must be rejected to facilitate our existence and success.
25 thoughts on “Why The Narcissist Must Reject Intimacy?”
During our consult you said that the victim narcissist struggles more with overcoming his intimacy repulsion than most narcissists can. So, if he is a midrange victim narcissist, then he could or won’t get better at overcoming his repulsion to intimacy in a romantic relationship then?
He will not got better. Since, as I explained, it is a struggle, he can overcome it during seduction, but it is problematic.
Okay, thank you. HG!
You are welcome.
Oh okay, HG, I mean in the romantic context, can the victim narcissist overcome his fear of intimacy and deal with it better than he used to just like how most other narcissist can? Or he can’t and he will always be more repulsed by it than most other narcissists?
I’m just looking for a brief answer, not a consult because I already know that he is a narcissist and he is dating somebody and he said that he knew that he had a fear of intimacy so I am just curious if a victim midrange narc can overcome it in a romantic context.
This question is more pertinent to the question of school rather than cadre.
1. Can the victim midrange narcissist overcome his fear of intimacy and deal with it better than he used to just like how most other narcissist can?
2. Or he can’t and he will always be more repulsed by it than most other narcissists?
It depends on the context. If you wish to understand this with regard to your own situation, I need more information from you and you should organise a consultation.
How about narcissist that that are married,or live together,for years with the same person.Some of their partners more dead than alive. Why don’t they discard their partner ? Part of their facade ?
There has been no disengagement trigger, hence they do not disengage from the relevant partner. Remember, what you see in that relationship will only be a fragment of what the narcissist sees.
I had the misfortune of listening to another narcissist today 😥 He attributes a fear of abandonment as the root of narcissistic behaviours. This is not true is it, the root of narcissism is the need for fuel.
Hearing about the fear of abandonment made my ET go crazy.
Abandonment is a loss of control. It’s control and fuel which matter, not abandonment
Oh thank you so much HG! 💝 I could cry from relief. I had a horrible ET day after watching the vile person.
Thinking about the fear of abandonment I felt sympathy, longing, regret…
The MMR told me he doesn’t have normal relationships because some kids were mean to him once, who he thought were his friends.
What you say is truth; which also happens to make me feel better.
Control and fuel matter.
HG , first of all, you are always spot on!
Do many narcissistic mates feel empaths that love and endure are pathetic and of low intelligence?
By the way, would love to schedule a consultation.
Indeed I am and thank you.
They do when they are painted black.
Please do so https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/
How could one scratch through the false intimacy and prevent getting entangled with a narc?
Learn to recognise the red flags and ensure low ET so you rely on logic instead.
Avril Lavigne had summarised it well:
“All this time you’re pretending
So much for my happy ending
It is nice to know you were there
Thanks for acting like you were cared”
The story of my life. For two years. Absolute perfection & accuracy in your story. And as it relates to mine.
HG, I sadden so when I read some of your articles, although I appreciate being able to gain the insite provided by them.
I see how he kisses me…passionately, long kisses, with his eyes closed and I feel his heart race. He could just kiss me for hours.
He also answers personal questions about his childhood, his father, his family and I believe his answers are honest (from what his mother tells me). Is this not all
intimacy or is everything just a giant facade?
It is part of the ongoing manipulation and a facade of affection and intimacy which is used to draw you in and control you.
My college person always wanted to lay in bed and engulf me physically (disgusting by the way) and I have a hard time understanding. He was clearly a narcissist and this nonsense went on forever. (I never relented without feeling queasy and then would pop up a minute later) I can’t stand it. Could it have become a quest for submission?
I know how you feel lucia. After over a year n/c those kind of thoughts I still struggle with almost daily 😞 because (some) parts of the intimacy felt so geniune. I don’t miss much at all about him anymore, and I’m even forgetting lots of details… but I really miss intimacy with him. I haven’t slept with anyone since so that does not help.
So I’m sorry for the feelings you’re going through. I know how painful it is to realize it meant nothing to them.
Thank you, Empath. Yes, although it was all a facade for them, the pain for us is very real. At this point, I can’t imagine ever sleeping with anyone else either. But, I’m counting on that old saying- Time heals all wounds?