A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 117

Dearest Pedro

I write to you from the greatest of heights ad the grandest of views. I’m standing on my tippy toes, my arms out stretched. I am brave. I am stoic. The heaviest of coats cradles my shoulders; its hood warms my soul. This weighted coat once comforted me with all of its warmth , and promises of something extraordinary. It now is in ruins, tatters and worthless. It is pitiful and I must leave it for it’s new owner. She’s welcome to it, It’s certainly not needed where I am going. It would cause me so much embarassment if I were to take it with me.

Do you remember that random and fleeting thought of CPR I shared with you, one early morning. Was it me that breathed air into your lungs, or was it yours that filled mine? I mused half asleep, half awake.’Til death do us part, you whispered. ‘Til death do us part. These words I wanted to hear from you and only you. I was oblivious to this thing you call love. I unashamedly believed you and yes, I loved you in your entirety. I loved you the way normal, sane people love. You showed me another side of love; one I’ve never seen before and hope never to see again.

Ive been at this same place before; however this time is different. You see, I’ve uncovered a layer that you hid from me all this time, I wasnt supposed to see it, was I? This layer, unlike all the others, was the darkest, the muddiest and its purpose was to forewarn me of the demise of what was once us. I uncovered your truths and you seem wounded, You are a coward and a fraud. You make no sense and appear strange to me. In fact, you repulse me. REPULSE is the right word I was looking for. You speak of your girls as if I should be jealous – what type of fool do you think I am? I never envied any girl that gets to have an ex of mine. If you were worth my time, I would have stayed. I would have risked it all.

Nothing remains of the man I once loved. In your place is a man and dreams I now despise and would rather watch die. I beg for unfamiliarity and memories erased.

I returned your gift, which I know you threw off the town’s jetty. “What is wrong with that?”You asked. “It’s where it came from”, you stupidly explained to me. From this moment, it was obvious to me, you didnt care for me at all. You wanted to hurt me, really hurt me. Your gift was not worth the unrelentless tirades; the threats. It means nothing to me. A mere reminder of your inflated ego you paraded to the saleswoman and the alike for their fuel – and obviously mine.

As I take stage left,I cant help but notice a sillouette of something shiny and new hidden behind drapes. Of course, I knew she was there, you must remember that I too was once in her place. I dont need to stay for this show. I know exactly how it ends.

I make no apology in saying this – yes, your real worth is nothing more than that of the dirty and crumpled sport top, you embarassingly wore to school as a young and neglected child . I can’t change your past and I can’t change you.

I dare not look behind me as i dare not wake you. Not this time. Not any time soon.I bid you farewell and hope that we will never meet again. I mean, NEVER in this lifetime. Today, I abandon you with no regrets or remorse.

Adios, goodbye, and fuck you.

Nina.