We do not do the clean break. We never allow closure. There is no neat conclusion when you have been entangled with our kind. You are not allowed the precise and final cut of the surgeon’s scalpel but instead you must be content with the rusty saw that has sought to effect an amputation but instead has merely created a grisly abomination whereby there remains tendrils attached and ragged and torn flesh. No matter how hot the water which flows in your shower and the vigour with which you scrub your reddened flesh, no matter how much detergent you apply and no matter whether you use scrubbing brush or wire wool you cannot remove that residue. We linger. We remain. We percolate and infiltrate.
This, like much of what we do, is a calculated act to maintain a connection between you and us. We can never let go so we see no reason why you should be allowed to either. The residue which we create and which you cannot remove, takes many forms. It may be the fact that we chose you when we worked together so that each day you have no choice but to see us across the floor space in the same office, in the cafeteria or striding across the car park. Once upon a time, like every good fairy tale, you smiled and you felt your heart skip a beat as you saw us exit the lift and smile at you. That wonderful smile which was just for you. Now when we exit the lift and our cold, dead eyes alight on you, the smile is no more than a sickly leer which slowly opens up across our face as we know the residue of our impact on your remains deep inside you. You are faced with this each day. It is either that or leave and go somewhere else and even though you know that the latter is probably the most appropriate cause of action, something prevents you from doing so. Is it because you still want to see us? Of course it is. You may very well hate us but you cannot still help yourself as you want to see what we are doing and allow yourself the indulgence of looking at us and remembering.
In a different way the residue may be the fact that we owe you money and you are left to contact us, despite not wishing to do so, because you want, no, because you need that money. After all, we leeched from you so successfully that we have left you in penury and you need this money to be reimbursed. Part of you would rather write it off and in doing so hope that you can scour us from your memory, but circumstance dictates the necessity of collection. We know this and we shall provide excuse and exhibit delay and prevarication in order to keep you hanging on and in order to keep the connection between us alive still. The money will be paid by the end of the week promise. Sorry but we had to have a new boiler fitted so it will be next month now. The bonus was not as large as had been promised so it will a further three months as I shall have to pay you be instalments. What money? I do not know owe you anything. We keep you dangling and pull at the connection that remains between you and I. If it is not money, then it will be possessions. We will purposefully leave our belongings in your house and you will repeatedly ask us to collect them. We issue similar excuses to the repayment of the borrowed money. I am a bit busy at the moment maybe next week. I need to collect it in a car and mine is in the garage at the moment. If the possessions are not ours at your property then we will have ensured that in addition or as an alternative we will have kept items belonging to you with us, causing you to have to keep some form of contact with us in order to recover them. We ensure we select those items which are expensive and of sentimental value so you will not be able to replace them but instead you must keep asking us for the items. We will string out the return of these items by failing to be in when you call to collect them, turning up to deliver them when you are not in, forgetting to do so and so forth. It all maintains the link between us and increases your upset, annoyance and frustration. We want to keep our residue in your life so that when we choose to make our move we can suck you back in without difficulty.
We will remain in the same circle of friends as you. With our notoriously thick skin we will still turn up to meals and drinks knowing that you will be there. You will feel uncomfortable and resent our intrusion. Third parties will try to keep the peace and of course we will maintain our façade in order to show that we are a good person and we are just trying to be civil following the ending of the relationship. You may react to this and it enables us to point out that you are unhinged, unpleasant and always have to bear a grudge. Is it any wonder that we left?
Whilst we create the ever presence so that you see us everywhere you go, in sounds, in sights and sounds, we also like to leave our mark on you, smearing you with the residue of the relationship so that you feel tainted for the rest of your life, marked with the repeated reminder that you have been embroiled in a relationship with us and moreover to let you know in the clearest terms that you will never be free of us. We can never be washed away.
26 thoughts on “Residue”
Yes, he’s always with me even years later. I stopped talking to people about it because no one understand why I can’t just “get over it” or “wish him well and move on”. And I’m sick of people telling me to do those things.
when i watched versaille i was totally in love with philippe, the king’s brother, he was interpreted by Alexander Vlahos, after the series ended, i was verry disappointed and wanted more of him, then i started watching interviews of Alexander valahos, but i felt nothing, the reason is i was not in love with the actor, i was in love the caracter, and it was the same thing with Jared Letto and the Joker, i wanted the joker not Letto. un month ago this thaught came to me and realised that it was the same thing with M.bibi i loved the caracter he played for me, but now the movie has ended, i can miss the caracter but it is delusional to think that being with the actor will make me happy, and now i feel much better.
I don’t know if what i’m saying makes sens, but if there is a small chance it can help you, i will be happy.
Well said. I agree. I’m in love with the person I thought he was. He knew just what I needed. He was the love of my life and everything I had ever dreamed of. Then when he discarded me he turned into someone else. He literally threw me away like trash, like everything we had shared meant nothing. I was nothing. I still really miss him sometimes. I think of him when I’m in bed at night and I feel sad that he is not there. I have to keep telling myself that he isn’t who I thought he was.
He never kept anything of value, but insisted on keeping sentimental stuff :drawings,soduku grids we finished together, for some reason he liked to take pictures secretly, and send them to me latter.
but it is not the important part, what bothers me is that he writed and signed and drawed in almost every page on my last year of school’s notebook, and i can’t use an ice blue color pen without thinking of him, or continue to read the promised neverand because he was the one who suggested it to me. T_T
Photocopy the notebook and redact where he has written in it and then destroy the original or place it in a box and store it next the Ark of the Covenant.
Choose a different colour of pen.
Very good idea, especially the Ark of Covenant part, i will imedialtelly depart to Nepal, get the sacred medaillon from Marion and then straight to Egypt (hop Idiana won’t get there before me ).
Thanh you dear Mr.HG.
99.9% it’s not random! They really never go away. Block the request. You could be like oh, this is finally over, at least that’s what I thought and BoO 👻, there IT is…. the awareness I’ve learned in here is life saving. ❤️
Hi Santaann 🤗
Yes, I thought that too. I blocked the person immediately so hopefully that will be all that happens for a few months.
I agree that the information here is life saving.
As HG said, “You come here to remember, not to forget”.
The dreadful “ever presence”.
So! I had disabled my Facebook account, to just disappear from my narc. But I decided to reinstate my account as “why should he alter my life!”. All of my info and pictures etc, is completely private, except to friends.
So today, I get a friend request from someone I don’t know. It looks like a completely fake account.
Anyway, it is probably just some bored person adding girls, some random. But somewhere deep in my mind I think, is it him?
Grrrrrr!! I hadn’t given him much thought this week (finally!) and then this small, random thing happens and I wonder.
How dare they remain skulking around in our heads!
Dear HG the King and Saviour. Your kind doesn’t love and attach… yet you can’t let go of someone.
I’m so confused by your kind
All the more reason to have nothing to do with our kind in your day to day life.
We cannot totally get rid of all narcissists in our lives but learning what makes them tick and tock helps me maneuver with minimal fuel giving.
Thank you my King. I need you in my life though. 💝
As a provider of logic and the best information about our kind, you have me.
Thank you HG. You are an honorable person with impeccable standards.
HG, the MMR used to tell me he was coming to my shop, give exact time, say he’s 10min away etc. Then suddenly last week he showed up by surprise. He also looked at my phone that day (to change the music but he’s never done that before).
Why did he show up by surprise? To see if I’m with another man?
To assert control over you, possibly catch you out, to provoke you and gain fuel.
Thank you HG for your brilliant answer. I’m lucky to talk to the world leading behavioral genius and my favourite writer.
I think you’re honourable and impeccable in your life also and I could give examples from what you’ve said.
You are welcome.
HG, btw, I’m interested in the influence of whether the narcs mother or father was a narcissist.
I believe the MMR is the worst because his mother was a narcissist and controlling. Now he wants to punish me.
The other 3 (the psychopath, the LMR and the UMR) had Empath mothers and Narc fathers. They didn’t want to punish me. They were physically affectionate and the MMR is not. The others liked to cuddle, spoon, hold hands, stroke my hair… They wouldn’t have choked me even if I asked.
HG—it’s something how you tell us to have nothing to do with “our kind in day to day life!” Is there anyone you feel no reason to devalue or is it literally all fair game?
Everybody who enters the spheres of influence, is fair game. It has to be that way. It does not meat that devaluation will necessarily follow, but one can never guarantee it will not.
Interestingly I have been guilty of the same but in a different way. (Regarding devaluation of others)
I think people can be quite blind to their own behavior even when not narcissists. When I’m aware of it I may or may not feel bad—it too waxes and wanes.
If I could have asked one question today, it would have been if there was any chance I’m escaping scott free. It seems like it so far. No reach outs from either side. I think no Contact is going well, at least from my side. 👍