Just The One Time…


Remember when you would wake up and reach for your mobile ‘phone and find that loving and uplifting message that I had sent you? I always rose before you and ensured that a delicious, tantalising text was sent to you ready for when you woke. Like a morning cup of tea on your night stand it was that little gesture which made you feel special. It told you that the first thing that I thought of when I woke up was you. This message of love, desire, passions and excitement would provide you with the first buzz of the day, a delicious reminder of how wonderful I am and how marvellous we are together. The first text of the deluge that would follow throughout the day, scores of little gift-wrapped presents which you open and smile, laugh and melt over. Little did you realise that these messages had been recycled from your predecessor and would be used again for your replacement. Little did you also realise that two other people were receiving these messages first thing in the morning.

Now there is nothing. There is no chime of that early morning text. There is no winking light denoting the text waiting for you to open it. It is silence. As your eyes open, the conditioning that I caused makes you immediately remember how you used to feel when that text arrived. Where once you woke with excitement in your stomach now it is just the sharp stab of pain as you know there is nothing waiting for you. You understand this is how it should be, the need to stay away from me, but it hurts. It hurts so much and how long will this pain remain with you? Will it ever go away? Those months of daily morning texts has ingrained a pattern and a longing inside you and no matter how hard you try the first thought of your day is always

“Four months ago he was still sending me those wonderful texts.” Last month it was the same sentence only it began with three. You roll on to your back and though you know you shouldn’t, you cannot help but allow me into your mind even further as you recall those mornings where we ended up late for week because of our passionate love-making. That quick dart to the en suite and then back into bed where I was waiting for you. You turn and look at the empty pillow and that all too familiar bitter sweet sensations sweeps across you. You know you should not do this. You know you ought now to seek refuge amongst the ghosts of once what was, but it makes the pain lessen, just for a while and it is just a memory isn’t it, thinking about me just the one time cannot do any harm can it?

Just the one time. You give a twisted smile at that sentence which has somehow become your daily mantra as you struggle to escape the toxins that I have left inside you, the legacy of my oh so effective seduction and poisoning of you. Just the one time you check on my tweets and who is following me and who I am following. Just the one time you parked near where I lived and watched slumped in your driver’s seat to see who might appear at my door. Just the one time you sent a friend to watch me at an event you knew I would be attended and to report back on what she saw.

Just the one time you re-read the e-mails I sent you. It was just the one time for them all and more, well one time a week then one time a day, but I dont know what you are doing do I, so where is the harm? Just the one time you return to my Facebook profile, scouring it, looking for clues like some desperate detective intent on tracking down the prolific killer. You check what I have liked, a picture here, a comment there, some meme about relationships which could be a dig at you but you are not sure. Any trace of you has been erased from my profile, gone are the messages, the comments and the pictures. Somebody else is there now, although there is some ambiguity. A red-headed woman appears in several pictures, laughing with me. You see one where her arms is draped around my shoulders and you feel the burning jealousy and anger and curse both you and I for this feeling.

You fling your tablet to one side, muttering under your breath, just the one look having derailed your day before it has begun and vow not to look again. But you will. Just one look. A journey through the carousel of pictures, checking fingers to see if rings have appeared on them, of both me (it would be awful to see that rings on my wedding finger, something I always denied you) and of the women I pose with (it makes you feel sort of better if they wear a ring, that means that they won’t be with me, doesn’t it?)

You skulk amongst my twitter posts and return to my profile on my work website, reading the biography which you know off by heart. Your fingers rest on my profile picture as you see again the tie which you bought me for that particular photo shoot. Some days you wish it would be updated and then others days this once look makes you feel that perhaps I do not hate you, how can I if I still allow this picture to remain?

You try not to think about me but somehow your mind just wanders there of its own volition, snaking through a thousand memories that spring up each day. Perhaps you will stay awhile amidst them, just the once minute of remembering. At the weekend you drove out to the forest path we used to amble along during sunny September mornings. Nobody else was ever there. Just you and I. You walked that path again, it was just the one time you needed to do it, to converse with the ghost of my presence as you found yourself talking aloud to me as if I was still walking beside you, holding your hand. It was meant to be just the one time but you have returned three times since, each time swearing that this time is when you exorcise those spectres.

What am I doing now? No doubt getting ready for work, perhaps showering and singing away as I once did in the shower we shared. Am I with somebody? Is somebody preparing breakfast for me or reclining in bed waiting for me to return to the bedroom towel draped about me? It seems so long since you have heard from me and so much remains unanswered, unsaid and unresolved. How would I react if you rang me? You cannot bring yourself to delete my number, just in case there was that one final conversation which could take place and put so many issues to bed, slay so many demons and close so many doors. That would all that it would take surely? Just the one conversation. Keep it business like, keep your emotions in check but just to get some answers so you can move on. Surely that is owed to you?

You wonder whether I would answer if you rang me? How would I react if I saw your number on the display? You doubt I have blocked you, why would I do that? Your fingers toy with your phone, you need to know, just the once, just to make the hurt go away. You find my name. You want to hear my voice again, talk and no more but you feel anxious and the trepidation crawls over you. You need to know. You need the answers.

What about ringing me and then stopping before I answer to see if I call back? Yes, that is a good idea, that would then show that I do want to talk to you, without the fear of having me hang up on you. That’s it. You will telephone me again after these months of nothing and let it ring and then this ever present agony can be eased. The questions can be answered when I call you back.

You will not melt into my arms again. No, you are going to resist those sweet charms because you know what lies behind them. You have earned your stripes in that regard but you need to have this conversation, for yourself. You need to know I will talk to you. A text message isn’t immediate enough. I might not see it for some time or delay in replying, but a missed call, that brings a potential for urgency and immediacy and I am bound to respond to that aren’t I.

You will call me.

You will call and let it ring.

Just the one time….

47 thoughts on “Just The One Time…

  1. Good morning all!!

    A beautiful, blissful, perfect sleep was had last night without any sleeping tablets! Now, admittedly, there were 4 shots of The Dubliner, but really, who is counting that?

    My panic was surely E.T and it was completely wasteful and self sabotaging.

    I slept like an angel and today the sky may be grey, but there is glorious sunshine bursting through those clouds!!

    I think it’s possible that I’m freed from my narc (since love has nothing to do with it anymore) and I have to consider that he is completely finished with me too! I haven’t heard a word from him in months and I’m feeling as though all this madness could just be over!

    My sanity is intact, (just 😉) and I do feel free!

    Here’s to beautiful rest and to the extraordinary feelings of hope that are all around me, despite the gloomy day outside!

    Fingers crossed!!!

  2. Gypsy Heart says:

    Soon to be sparkling,
    I do hope you set up a consultation with HG and sleeping patterns get back on schedule without medication. It will get better. I need to follow my own advice and get my consultation booked.

    The timing of this article couldn’t be any better. ET has reared its ugly head. I really seem to be struggling with it this week. “Just the one time” seems to be going through my mind this week. “Just the one time” I want to check Facebook and see if the smear is still in progress against me. Are they trolling me? “Just the one time” Are they still planning on breaking in to area 51 (my home)? Have they given up? and moved on? My favourite meme that they have posted so far states “anything that kills you makes you stronger, except for a country girl. A country girl will kill you”. The picture depicts a woman in her Daisy Dukes with a rifle resting against her shoulder. They have really smeared me to be dangerous.

    “Just the one time”. I know they have been back from their trip for some weeks now. He usually doesn’t post much on Facebook, and certainly not his trips with her. “Just the one time” I know there will be pictures and videos of their smiling faces this time. Just for me. He will want me to see the vacation that I dream of taking. The one on my bucket list. That beautiful wild, rugged country of my heritage. I still think of Valentine’s day. That was always our day. The last evening we were together. He would obviously stage ahuge fight with her and then follow up with a grand hoover for me. He warned me that night as I was watching a series on this beloved country. “Don’t get jealous if my mother in law takes us there one day.” Imagine that, they finally went this year! “Just the one time”.

    1. Hello Gypsy Heart 🤗

      I’m so sorry that you’re suffering.

      Yes, these creatures surely know how to rip us to shreds. It’s cruel that he is smearing you and taunting you. I was not subjected to that, at least, not as far as I know of. In my case, he was, ever the (devious and cunning) gentleman.

      Not just one time though. No more. Never, more. Not one more time.

      Don’t look at his social media. Don’t look at him. It makes it so much worse. It solidifies that we are damaging ourselves for their agenda.

      I understand the need, the “just one more time”, as I have peered now and then and called and hung up before there could be any answer, or lack of.

      I understand, I do, but then we feel worse. They can’t deserve for us to feel worse. They are awful and they don’t love us. They can’t.

      If they could, I would throw it all away and run to him and die beside him. I would sell my soul, for him to regain his. But….they…..can’t.

      We have to pick ourselves up and actively choose happiness. We had forgotten it yes, but it never forgot us.

      All we have to do is choose joy. To will ourselves to choose joy. When we do, it opens its arms to us and welcomes us back to the fold.

      That’s where we belong.

      Not with them. They have nothing for us. No love. No sweetness. No heart. No care. No compassion.

      Not one more time. Don’t do it Gypsy. Be the strong angel that you are and give love and sweetness to the one that deserves it…yourself.


    2. Also, the consultation is hard.

      We’ve all heard that voice right? Yes, HG, you KNOW we like it! We f*cking love it. It’s especially devastating to someone who is audio driven, such as myself.

      For me, knowing myself as I do, email consultation is the way ahead.

      I’ll get back to consultations as I know it’s a sound investment for my self healing, but for now, my narc is gone and I feel strong.

      If mine comes back, well, then we all get to sit back and watch the show unfold. A roller coaster will burst through this site and I’ll be begging for assistance!

      For now, my focus has shifted away from my narc and back to my family history of horrors.

      So until then!

  3. The winking light….

    One small sentence, worded in just the right way, that evokes an instant and painful recollection.

    It never fails to amaze me HG, how you can know exactly what is done to us. Sometimes when I read your works, I am utterly floored by the level of understanding that you have from our side.

    Sometimes I think you must be like us, afterall, to be able to explain our own feelings, that which you cannot feel, to perfection. There is deep understanding there and unfathomable skill, which makes you utterly terrifying, to be honest. Your poor Tabitha!!

    That winking light….

    Oh! How I still remember!
    The infinite joy I would feel when I would wake up and see that flash of light!
    Did it just wink? Wait for it….just a few seconds….YES, there it is! It’s him, I know it’s him!!!!! DIVINE!!

    Who needs coffee to spring into lucidity, when that winking light promises all that and so much more!

    Those expectations that were so masterfully ingrained into me, that they were almost impossible to remove. It’s genius really. Pure genius.

    Great expectations, hrmm.

    So, upon reading your delivery of the winking light…I’m thrust right back to it. Drawn and quartered.

    The winking light started and I was in heaven. An everyday greeting that was so beloved. Then, I would start waking up a little earlier to see it sooner.
    Soon I was awake earlier still. Before long I was setting an alarm for 6am, so I could receive it, the very moment it was sent and soon enough, I did not need an alarm at all. My body clock had me awake at 5:50am and at the ready! I loved it and he seemed so pleased that I was soon responding to him immediately, instead of 4 hours later.

    Who cares that I was exhausted from working such late nights, who really needs to sleep until 10am? My desperate need for sleep was nothing in comparison to my desperate need to be there with him. Everything, everyday was irrelevant when side by side, to the sheer delight of that first winking light.

    Then the wink would come at 7am. Oh…. Then 8am, but that’s ok, I’d just enjoy laying warm and cosy in bed, rolling around thinking of him and the anticipation of his correspondence. Then 10am….oh!!!! Well, that’s alright, I will start sleeping in late again….wait…why can’t I sleep in anymore?
    Now, condemned to laying awake in the early hours thinking of him and why he has stopped our beautiful ‘good mornings’.

    No messages now until late afternoon. Pacing, back and fourth. Waiting, waiting. My own phone became a conduit for longing.

    7pm and there it is, YES!!
    8pm, oh. 9pm now. Ohhhh!
    10pm….? That’s ok!! I’ll jump into bed early and wait for that delightful chime!!
    Then it came at 12pm, yes finally! Then 1pm, later now. But that’s ok! I’d wait for him.

    Then nothing.

    My body clock was now set to 6am hoping for that wink. And my falling asleep was now conditioned for waiting for his goodnights, that had stopped coming too.

    Every message was then at random times. No pattern. Chaos.

    And now, now cruel insomnia reveals her dreadful self.

    7 months later and I still can’t sleep. A perpetual zombie. Unable to even construct clear thoughts in her own head. Wracked with memory after memory, thought after thought, all in a blurred and combined mess due to sleep deprivation. Sleeping tablets obtained through desperation that are running dangerously low, with only 4 left in the packet. That equals 2 more nights of blissful rest and what then….?

    Will I stay accustomed to the precious sleep I have been enjoying for the last month? Or am I about to be plunged straight back into the hell of restless nights and the now common sleep paralyses, where he is often the star of the frightening show.

    Beautiful sleep has gifted me a release from him. A clear focus on other matters and a clear and healthy direction. A back on track attitude with a positive outlook and a regained spring in my step! Am I about to lose it all and go straight back down the rabbit hole?

    I am worried. I’ll find out this Friday night. I am so scared. It is the lack of sleep that held me captive to him and kept me in a permanent state of discord and need. With sleep, I am strong and rational and I don’t want him back.

    god help me please.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If you want to win the war, you have to know your enemy, I do, hence the level of understanding and insight that I have. I am the best.

      I can help you tackle this situation which is being governed by your emotional thinking.

      1. Yes HG, you are. So please, help me now..

        Stop me in my tracks from launching my own pre-emptive strike against my own self-healing. Tell me that my narc isn’t doing this to me. Remind me that I’m doing this to myself. Force me to believe that my narc-induced insomnia is not waiting for me anymore and that it can’t touch me ever again.

        If you can make it stop, then please HG, take it away from me, because I can’t go back to how low I was.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I can do so. All you need to do is to arrange a consultation and I will help you.

          1. I will as soon as I can HG!

            Thank you!!

          2. HG Tudor says:

            You’re welcome

        2. NarcAngel says:

          Consult with HG and he will bolster your resolve to stay on track to SPARKLING instead of fizzing out.

          1. Hello NarcAngel 🤗

            Thank you!

            I have. I have done the email consult and the Skype. It really was so helpful and I would recommend it to anyone and everyone.

            I feel like I’ve got this!
            But I am really panicking over the insomnia, as I’ve identified that’s it’s the sleep depravation that keeps me bound to my narc and all twisted up.

            I’ve gone into a premature state of worry. Which I know, is utterly ridiculous! I might sleep perfectly, as I used to do so, long before he came along.

            Too many whiskeys last night and I went straight into worry mode.

            I’ve settled myself and I will just see what happens and take it as it comes.

            A few strange things have happened in the last few days that have me worried if my narc is skulking around. It unsettled me a bit.

            I decided I’ll try some affirmations.. “I will sleep perfectly”.

            I got this!


    2. Joanne says:

      I feel this more deeply than you know….both the high I was on from receiving those messages and the crushing comedown after it all ended. Get a new sleep aid prescription if you can. I did. You need to sleep. And consult with HG. I promise it will help you. The articles and books are great but his examination and analysis into your own personal situation + a go forward plan is priceless. Do it, it’s easy and the cost of one consult is probably half of what you would pay for a therapist INTAKE session, in which you wouldn’t even scratch the surface on what you’ve been through.

      1. HG Tudor says:


      2. Hello Joanne 🤗

        Thank you! Yes, I think the same techniques have been used on so many of us so that we can easily identify with each other.

        The doctor won’t give me what I need, their answer is; a referral to a therapist.
        Great! That doesn’t help me sleep that evening and I won’t feel comfortable talking face to face with someone who can not identify personally, with anything that I’m saying. The therapist route is not for me. Having said that, I am going to try hypnotherapy to aid with the sleep and to feel nothing for my narc.

        I had to lie to a pharmacist to get tablets that double as a sleeping tablet and I think of having to repeat that action and I feel sick just thinking about it.

        But in this instance, I have to just tough up, lie and sleep as a result of my actions.

        I agree about the books and articles. I have read so much, all the books I think. I read all the new emails every morning and they do help. But the articles do trigger me. One sentence can set my mind whirling. I tend to only address the sentence that hits me the hardest. When in actual fact, I could post regarding almost every sentence in almost every article.

        It really is just so much, to discover and to understand.

        I will book another time with HG when I can. It’s difficult to get an hour of privacy. Especially when trying to book an hour in advance. I rarely know when I am going to be alone, until I am actually alone.


        1. HG Tudor says:

          I can assist with flexibility

          1. I appreciate that HG.

        2. Lorelei says:

          Sparkling—I’m rarely totally alone and in the past I’ve yelled at my children for being idiots during consultation so it’s really no big deal. (When they intrude)
          I doubt it was on mute.

          1. Hello Lorelei 🤗

            I had kids when I was just a kid, so mine are fully grown and doing their own thing, for the most part. No privacy issues there.

            My privacy concerns come from my partner, who works from home and is always around.

            It makes the simplest need for privacy almost impossible.

            Very frustrating as he is always around and is highly focused on me, most of the time.

            In my instance, my narc encounter was an affair and therefore, is not something I can discuss infront of my partner. My partner knows everything that happened but I don’t like to remind him of it when he has completely moved on from it all.

            The damage lies solely with me. And while I understand that I essentially got exactly what I deserved, I could justify my actions in the sense that, my partner did anything he wanted for 23 years despite my protests and I didn’t mean for my affair to happen. I wasn’t openly looking for it, but it came along and sadly, for me, it was love.

            Oh! The irony!

          2. Lorelei says:

            Interesting sparkling! You said something I’ve thought about. Your partner has moved on. Therefore the expectation is that it is “old news.” It’s a huge reason I don’t discuss this stuff with my normal life people. It’s much more pervasive than easily realized. I get some occasional questions about our child care arrangements or simple curiosities and I’ve begun stating it is a private matter. I just don’t want to talk about it. Occasionally the comments are fun banter—usually a reference to his nonsense conglomeration of simpletons and it can be good for a laugh. Usually though it’s just become embarrassing. Like how did I ever.. I am mortified at times. Mortified.

        3. Joanne says:

          yes, I understand this too. I had to go to a few different doctors and managed a crying spell in front of my OBGYN who’s known me a long time. It was a small supply but I rationed it and managed to get over my toughest sleep hurdle. I keep some NyQuil on hand for emergencies. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I have two active kids, a husband and a FT job that I need to be functional for… I need to sleep.

          I understand the triggering. My situation was nothing compared to others but so much of the content here is relatable. It’s scary.

          You can also do an email consult with HG. That is what I did. I am a better written communicator than oral so this worked for me, plus I had the advantage of his audio recording that I could play over and over (which I did).

          Big hug <3

          1. Hello Joanne 🤗

            Your situation is so similar to mine, that it’s beyond serendipitous. I have read some of your previous posts.

            I am similar also, in the regard that I function better with written than oral. In oral, I worry about judgement from others. When I write, I do so without any perceived judgement and I am completely at ease.

            Email consult will be the way ahead for me, but at the moment, the insomnia that I have feared so deeply, has not returned, so far anyway.

            I am ok for now!

            I sure hope it stays that way and I feel like it might.

            I hope your situation improves too and thank you for the hug. I’ll send one right back to you. 🤗


          2. Joanne says:

            I’m glad to hear you’re getting some rest STBS 😴🤗🤗

          3. Also, NyQuil…..?

            I’ll be researching this, just in case!


          4. Joanne says:

            NyQuil is really for cold and flu but it contains a sedative (over the counter). This is such bad advice but like I said… desperate times call for desperate measures.

  4. ThePolicyOfTruth says:

    I never did any ringing, but the rest of this is like you’ve been a fly on my wall and a spy into my heart and you wrote it down!

    We’re so predictable, aren’t we?

    You’re lucky in a way HG because you’ll never experience this kind of pain. The pain of losing someone you love, be it through death or abandonment, is not something I would ever wish on another human being. It’s like a part of you dies as well.

    I would never want to be like you, but I wish I had your resistance to sadness and heartbreak.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      And your comments reinforce why I state that our omission of certain feelings benefits us.

      1. ThePolicyOfTruth says:

        Yeah, I get you, but you miss out on the positive emotions too though, and those ones are wonderful.
        So it goes both ways.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          That is of no concern to me, TPOT.

          1. ThePolicyOfTruth says:

            Indeed, I’m aware of that. Still I think your lack of curiosity about how it must feel to experience the world through our eyes baffles me.

            It’s a strange condition you narcs have. You deem empaths as being beneath you, and yet you need us so much, for without our fuel you would be just a shell of a narcissist. A king without subjects is no king.

            Empaths, on the other hand, for all our supposed lowliness, don’t need narcs at all. We can manage very well without a monarchy. In fact democracy suits us much better.

            I’m a bit contemplative this morning. Don’t mind me.

        2. Susanne Amor Propio says:

          They don t care….

        3. Violetta says:

          I’m not sure I’m an empath anymore. I have struggled to identify what other people are feeling many times without realizing it was because I was getting a mixed message. I had no trouble understanding when people were just plain angry, happy, bored, but when the voice and the gestures were out of sync, when the facial expression was exaggerated to the point of Kabuki, I felt guilty that everybody else liked so-and-so: there must be something wrong with me if I didn’t.

          I can be selfish and oblivious, but if I’m a narc, I’m not a very skilled one. I hate professional schmoozing; it seems so obviously phony. I suppose that I have my share of narc tendencies, but too much if a working conscience to be a full narc.

          But if I’m not an empath, why would narcs target me? They don’t get that kind of juice of normies, do they?

      2. Susanne Amor Propio says:

        Yes they do… Our emtional thinking complicates many moments in our life..

        Though “my” PN seemed to be living the life he wants. No bothering.
        If he does not t like something he just changes it… No regrets no remorse no nothing…. 🤷🏼‍♀️

      3. mpathetick says:

        So is it just a conscious ‘omission?’ You start to feel ‘it’ and then shut it down? Or is it something that was omitted a long long time ago subconsciously?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Feel what, MPT? Could you be specific as I do not see previous comments in the moderation pane.

    2. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

      Lucky? HG felt so much of that sort of pain when he was very young, that before that pain could absolutely annihilate him completely, his mind put that part of himself away and said: Never Again–We shall proceed and survive without that part. Nevertheless, it was an unlucky experience for him. Many have no chance to overcome and could not do so, under similarly harsh and rough early childhood applicably relative circumstances. So, in many ways, he was not lucky being treated in such a cruel and severe manner for his personality, growing up. His mind defended him by renouncing those early abusers and hiding the part of himself that they had, at that time, psychological and emotional access. A limit was reached very young. A limit that most of us do not reach in our lifetime at all, or at least until around middle age, or older, and then only somewhat, when we have seen much of this world. However, HG is very cognitive of this arena of pain that we deal with, Still. Hence his calling. An ULTRA. The Narcissist. And Thriving in many arenas, because he is genetically immensely intelligent and inordinately talented and gifted, a communicator, all on a world class level, and he is even artistic. He is a legend in his own time, already. And he works hards to improve his many gifts and talents, instead of just sitting on them or hiding them and allowing them to wither. He puts many people to shame. Including myself. I am working to become more temperate and industrious, following his work ethic, counsel, ingenuity, and example.

      1. ThePolicyOfTruth says:

        Fair point PSE, but a lot of us have narcissistic parents, or have gone through other traumas in our pasts, yet never developed the ability to shut off some of our emotions.
        Wrong genetic disposition I guess.

        My mother for example is a nightmare. And when I was 15 I went through some other stuff that I don’t like thinking about let alone discussing. Unfortunately I still have to suffer through that because I didn’t become a narcissist.

        I agree he’s unlucky to have had a bad past, but he’s lucky in the sense that his mind went into protection mode, whereas other people’s minds often have no idea how to do that.

        Sometimes I’d love to have a protection mode ability.

        You’re right, he seems to be a very intelligent and cognitive fellow. (I never said to the contrary though so I’m unsure where you’re going with that.)

        1. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

          ThePolicyofTruth. We all are able and we do cut off some of our emotions to a certain extent. We have to. We mature over time. We become wiser. We have to decide, as much as we possibly can, how to feel about multiple incidents on this planet and in our lives and with friends and family, every day. How much to open ourselves up and for how long and even how soon. And we do not always get it right, of course. For example, I remember with terrorism, or school shootings: I used to watch the news in agony and for days and days over certain incidents. It becomes so much, over and over, that I basically say now `what’s new,` as long as it is not in my area or effects anyone that I know. In fact, any news story on repeat that starts impacting on my ability to function, I turn off, as well. I shut it down. There is only so much we can absorb, and stay functional, if we have the desire to stay functional. Some have more of a desire to function than others. I live in a large city, and I have seen people go down the drain overnight because they can not stay on top of their emotions. So scary. A girl breaks up with a guy. He gets drunk and in a fight at a bar, and is arrested, and loses his job, and then his apartment, and on and on. A guy breaks up with a girl and she can not leave the bed, and the downward spiral begins. And many other stories. And there is substantively no safety net for them. I have the desire to stay functional. When the desire to stay functional is strong, one works on protecting oneself more and more, when one starts slipping. One goes into a zone. And one learns for the future, as well, with thought and effort how much dysfunction to allow in before all is threatened. When enough is enough and the enough point has been reached. The ability to turn off certain pain and certain worries to a certain extent, does not happen overnight, whether or not one is a narcissist or not. It takes practice. If one has the genetic predisposition, it is probably easier. But, unless one is born without ever having any feeling for anyone at all, it takes some practice. One has to decide that one will not feel so much as to be destroyed. I discussed cognitive ability, because without that ability, one has a greater chance to be destroyed by the initial years of severe mistreatment, the defense mechanism, the survival mechanism, the society that brought about the defensive and survival needs, and multiple other factors. Any of these, including the defense and survival mechanism can err at times. That is why cognitive ability and gifts are so important for survival. Anyone that goes buck wild or totally nonfunctional will be dealt with by the system. This goes for everyone. I am not comfortable calling him lucky. Because it covers up those that extremely hurt and wounded him. I would like to see what is currently Impossible for me to see. To see how HG would be as he is now, compared to how he would be if he had, although an intelligent,mother, but also a loving and non-narcissist mother. And I would also like to see how it would be for him, if whomever else involved in his hurt, intentionally or not, all those young and teen and early adulthood years of his, also stayed around to be with him, if that would have been good for him, or for still others that were good for him and were around, were able to stay with him longer. And on and on. It would be an astonishing rewind that would impact everything in life. But that is comparing 2 Universes. Who can do that? Compare the 2 Universes? I can not. So, I can not for many reasons call him lucky about what happened to him. I can say it is astonishing what he is doing about it. Perhaps I am taking the phrasing, `that he is lucky`, too seriously, and not the way it is intended. If so, my bad.

        2. TPOT. We just can not compare different upbringings and we can not physically see genetic predispositions as much as we would like. We mostly look at the outcome and then work backwards until we finally make a few statements that seem to work most of the time. We do know the basics. We see patterns and in general we can predict that Constant Cruelty and the severe harassment and harsh treatment of children is usually going to cause problems for the children impacted. And some survive better than others by dealing with their emotions in various ways. Some fail completely. Many are dead, because of such treatment. Some become Narcissists and some become Co Dependents, in general. We do not know on a day by day and year by year basis what impacts of pain any child endures towards what end. Many mental workers do not even understand the various problems of being a golden child, versus being a scapegoat child. I did not really know about the Golden Child until I came on Narcsite. I understand that HG is a Golden Child, for the most part. I still do not understand much about it. For some reason, everything just rolled off my older brother. I was always serious. Unless, I was around certain people. Why these certain people? Who knows. Same parents, same environment. I guess it is safe to say we all are born with a personality tendency. I used to marvel when we were both children, how nothing really bothered my brother. He kept things simple. Mental workers have their work cut out for them. Even twins are studied, and in as close as an environment as possible and the behavioural results are still puzzling for mental workers. Why is one twin like this and the other twin in like that, they ponder. Malice enters the picture often for these children of duress. Some children give in and mirror and agree with and even love their oppressors like I guess is sort of what is called `stockholm syndrome` and some other children struggle against their oppressors. Mirroring them somewhat like the co dependents, but not falling in love with the oppressors, unlike the co dependents: The way a prisoner befriends the warden, but really to find out how to escape captivity some day. I am slightly introverted. If I were forced to deal with a lot of people in person almost everyday, I would pass out. I have to take many bouts of rest and downtime away from people, although I do like people, in general. What if HG is, by natural genetic personality geared to be an introvert. And now he is forced by the circumstances of his early upbringing to be an extrovert for the rest of his life. Is this good for him? Who knows. However, it is amazing what he is doing for the Behavioral Field. I do know that.

          1. ThePolicyOfTruth says:

            Really all I’m saying is that the ability to have switched off the emotion connected with pain is something a lot of people who have experienced (or who are currently experiencing) might long for.

            That’s all.

          2. Susanne Amor Propio says:

            I share that with you. We emaptic people complicate our lifes because of our emotional thinking.

            Me to, I see the benefits of the capacity to not have the emotional thinking.

            Look at the animals…. 😉

            Though without being depending of the fuel.

        3. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

          TPOT: Sure. We can romanticize about Narcissism. The aspects of it that we see as beneficial, and squeeze our eyes shut tightly and tiptoe softly around the rest. But do not we think that Narcissists wish they had a few switches that they can turn off as well? To not feel Wounded so easily and randomly? Envy? Fury? And what? To not need other people as much as they do? To be practically Debilitated if they are not in control and in power as much as possible? Do we think that they magically turn these feelings or emotions off like with a switch? No, they do not. They have a lot of their own feelings, and many of the feeling that we do. Their feelings come in and then go out elsewhere. They do not magically disappear for them. The feelings turn into Devaluations. Silent Treatments. Ghosting, and Golden Periods and Triangulations and on and on. Why does the Narcissist seem so Odd? Because they handle their emotions differently. But, they have them, and many have various feelings more intensely than most people, and they wish they could have a few turn off switches as well. They desire to protect themselves as well, and in fact they have the desire to protect themselves more than the average person, because they have a conflict with, and little or no trust at all in, feelings of hope, and belief and faith, that softens and eases life for most people. So they believe that they have to be hypervigilant. 24/7. Their own god. Many need little sleep. And sometimes, if we can learn to be more vigilant, we can learn to prevent some of the pain that others want or need to inflict upon us, by not allowing the wrong people to dig so deeply the trenches, inside of our emotions. That is why many of us are here on Narcsite. To travel the road of interpersonal emotional pain and conflict much better than we have been doing. After we set a few more boundaries with experience. Well, that is why I am on here, anyway. To learn. We have to fight to survive in this life as well. And perhaps give a hand or two to others, along the way. As we grow and move forward. No one is getting off the hook, one way or the other.

  5. liza says:

    i have to admit that he was my best meme dealer, and finding a new one of that level apeared to be a tough task, but i’m not giving up ! i’m sure somewhere, someone has a folder full of high quality memes, and they are only waiting for liza.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Understandable Liza although that folder was used for the one before you, the one before that, the one after you and so forth.

      1. liza says:

        i’m talking about the folder not the someone, the next person i will be sharing the things i like with, will not be a romantic partner, imagine if i wasn’t reading one piece befor i knew M.bibi , it would be a calamaity.
        starting from now, music, video games, books, and memes are exclusively reserved for friends.

    2. BonnieLou says:

      Mine too. I ended up designing my own memes just to communicate with him!

      1. liza says:

        i totally got you.

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