Saying Nothing To Tell You Everything


The Silent Treatment. One of our most potent methods of manipulation. Whether it is a present silent treatment where we talk to everyone else around you but not you or whether it is an absent silent treatment where we disappear and cannot be found or contacted, we know that this is highly effective.

It does not matter if the silence lasts for ten minutes or ten days the impact on you is considerable and your reaction is always the same. That is, of course, the main reason that we do it. You will repeatedly ask us what is wrong as you fail to understand what it is that we are doing. You will hang around us, if that is possible, asking the same questions over and over again.

“What is wrong, please tell me?”

“What is the matter, I wish you would tell me?”

“What is it? Why aren’t you speaking to me?”

Your concern mutates into frustration and anxiety and even occasionally anger. All of these states suit us as we drink the fuel you are providing to us. If we absented ourselves then we will face a slew of text messages, e-mails and voicemail messages as you keep ringing every five minutes trying to establish contact with us.

After a time the nature of the questioning changes as you shift from asking us what is wrong to hauling yourself over the coals. It is all so predictable. You ask yourself what is it that you could have done which has caused us such offence that we are no longer speaking to you. You analyse everything you have said and done over the last hour, the last five hours, the last day.

Did you insult us in some way and not realise? Surely it was not that comment about our tie, that was a joke. Was that the catalyst for this silence? Did you fail to kiss us on our arrival home? You cannot remember but these days you often find that is the case since the days all seem to merge into one as you pad around trying not to tread on those eggshells. If only the tiredness would lift. You might be able to think straight then and be able to ascertain what is going on.

You keep providing us with different suggestions and scenarios as to what has happened. You grope around, utterly unsure as to what it was that proved to be the trigger. You issue apologies and it gets to the point that you do not even know what you are apologising for but that does not matter does it? All you want is for this horrible silence, the aching absence to end. It has happened before and then it ended as arbitrarily as it arrived.

You cling on to the hope that it will end as it did last time but then there is that gnawing doubt which keeps manifesting in your mind. What if it won’t end? What if this is it and we have gone for good? Surely not and for what reason? The doubt is horrible and you feel a rising sense of panic which causes you to redouble your efforts to find us and offer yourself up in sacrifice in order to get us to come back.

Time after time we do this to our victims but they do not realise what our silence really means. They are trapped by fear, paralysed by indecision and this is naturally how we like it. This confusion and inability to really see what is going on serves our purpose.

What is our silence really telling you? It is telling you how we enjoy to play fast and loose with your feelings. It is telling you that we do not care about you. You mean nothing to us other than the fuel you provide.

We are reminding you of how inferior you are to us. You are nothing more than an appliance which we can switch on and off, pick up and put down at our convenience. We are trumpeting our lack of respect for you and your identity. We are heralding our flagrant disregard for your well-being. We are telegraphing our disdain for our supposed responsibilities.

We are reinforcing that you do not matter. Instead, you seek to eradicate the silence, you plan and arrange to do anything which you hope will dispel the absence of communication. Too caught up in trying to remove the unpleasant sensations that wrap around you, you fail to see the clear message that we convey to you each time we behave in this manner.

We are behaving as we did when we were told we could not have another biscuit and we sat sulking until our worn-down parent gave in. Most people grow out of such conduct but not us. We saw the power it would wield over certain people (others of course would never countenance it and we knew never to show it to them or suffer the consequences) but everyone else would flock around us, flapping and attending to us and we realised just how we could wrap people around our little fingers so they gave us what we wanted.

It was not the extra lollipop or permission to play out for an extra hour.

It was attention and attention laced with emotion. Fuel.

We may not have realised it then but we took this childish response and turned it into a weapon which causes you fear and frustration every time we unleash it.

If only you could understand what we are really doing, then you would understand just how much we are truly telling you by saying absolutely nothing.

9 thoughts on “Saying Nothing To Tell You Everything

  1. Soon to be sparkling! says:

    Saying nothing to tell you everything…..

    I like that statement. It is undeniably true and in hindsight, such a loud and clear message that actually answers every single question that I could ever have asked.

    No reply is required again after really thinking about the power of that sentence.

    So, the pen really is, mightier than the sword!

    Or indeed, the lack of.

  2. Dolores Haze says:

    HG, and what if the parent doesn’t ever give in to the sulking and the kid doesn’t get that extra cookie? Can it stop the narcissism growing inside the child? Or the sulking is the manifestation of the already formed narcissism and no amount of parental devotion and pedagogically correct behaviour can mend it?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If the environment is altered to remove a LOCE then the formation of narcissism can be arrested. The difficulty is often the case that the parent is the creator of the LOCE and therefore does nothing to alter it, because they do not see it.

      1. Liza says:

        Mr.Hg, do you think that narcissism can develop in a younger sibling because they are jealous of the older one? i’m talking of a case where they are not mistreated or compared by the parents.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You have to ask though what has fostered that envy? The parents will be culpable.

          1. Liza says:

            i will observe things more thoroughly, i stoped my odservation at the jealousy factor only , thank you for your answer!

          2. Cloudy says:

            Im beginning to stop paying attention to mine

  3. Petal says:

    This backfired on my recent narc. He would pretend his silence was about him, that he was “depressed.” I get depressed and love my personal space so I’d give it to him. He’d then say “it’s not about you” trying to make me think that it was. It would end rather quickly when he saw it wasn’t working. When he first got me I was supremely vulnerable. Then, in our time together, I was physically trapped. He isolated me in a foreign country with little internet and phone access, no car, and my luggage in two cities. But, we were in beautiful nature and I believed he loved me. So, even though I was being deceived, my true, stronger self shined through. Though there were horrible things that he did which I did not realize until I got back home, I love looking back on these little moments and buffing my small trophies. Apparently I was too much of an empath for him; so accepting and patient that there were quite a few backfires like these. I also have a curiosity and openness to playful sadism, so his attempts to scare and humiliate me just turned me on more.

    1. BL says:

      Petal, I’m curious if your reactions caused him to discard you or if you walked away first, and if he has tried to hoover. I act as if the silent treatments don’t affect me (inside they drive me completely insane) but I also relate to your last sentence… things that might seem sadistic to some actually turn me on. I’m not sure if he likes that or if it annoys him.

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