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55 thoughts on “3 Key Interactions”
HG, how is you end up with such smart, erudite, kind and intelligent people on your blog? Do you ask each person to show her/his university diploma before letting the first comment be published on the blog? You forgot to ask for my diploma, but I do have one, just so you know!
Another question is, of course, how come such smart, erudite, kind and intelligent people nonetheless get trapped in narcissistic relationships and let themselves be horribly mistreated for many years…
1. The vast majority are. The standard of the work and interaction draws and keeps those individuals.
2. Emotional thinking and the behaviour of the narcissist. Intelligence, wisdom, being erudite and/or kind are no defence.
I am glad I decided to purchase this material. There is new, valuable information in it, apart from what I had heard about the three interactions in one of the interviews.
This material also includes very helpful examples. It was validating to read them. One of those examples helped me understand the extremely sensitive behaviour of two acquaintances of mine. I used to think it was my fault and felt ashamed of my behaviour when they complained until I read this material. I also realized why these two individuals get along with each other and I don’t. It is highly likely they are narcissists – and not just narcissistic.
Thank you EB.
You are welcome.
Not connected to this post, but just wanted to say that after scrolling through comments on so many other HG posts it is so pleasant to realize that people who have been using HG’s services and coming to the blog for some time are getting happier, healthier and shall I say “free-er” as months go by. It’s still very gloomy in the beginning, very fresh from my escape/discard/realization I was dealing with the Narc, but the positive vibes from the comment sections are really giving me a lot of hope. I think you’re wonderful, all of you.
A useful observation Dolores and demonstrates the powerful nature of the information that is provided by me and the application of those determined to utilise it to achieve their freedom.
I would say most of us have experienced change in our time here. Some have even commented how differently they feel now as opposed to when they come across posts they made when they arrived or along the way. You will find something new or even have an aha moment in a repeat article. That’s why not passing it over because you’ve read it previously, as well as dipping into the archives is useful. Under each article it shows previous postings of that same article so you can read the comments on those as well. I’m glad you have found your way here and are feeling more positive about your situation. The books and consults are invaluable as well if you want more personalized information. Keep reading.
Delores—I second NA on this. I’m much better, frustrated I was (am) so far yet from my origin but yes indeed—the confusion was the discombobulating element and it’s already exponentially better.
NA, Lorelei – thank you. If I may ask, ladies; from your empathic experience – what is the emotional outcome I can expect / hope for? Not thinking about “it” for days? Completely rewriting the “story” in my memory through the prism of the narcissism?
Dolores, I know the question wasn’t ask of me but indifference comes to mind when I think of the emotional outcome.
Dear Mercy – thank you so much! Would you say you’re there already or not yet?
Dolores, most days I’m there and when I’m not feeling indifference about the situation it’s usually not him but me. I don’t know how long it took but at some point I stopped asking “why did he do this” and started asking “why did I allow this treatment”. That’s when the real healing started. The addiction is still there though and that’s why its so important to learn what they are and how they operate. HG provides the best education and when I let myself give into the addiction I read and interact with others because I need to be constantly reminded of the damage they are capable of. It’s a painful journey but not as painful as the abuse we suffer when with them. You are in the right place. No one is going to steer you wrong here. Sometimes it’ll feel like tough love but everyone here has a story and has felt the pain. Every story has something to learn from and can be recognized by what HG has taught us.
Dear Mercy, thank you. Yes, it does look like I’ve come to the right place. Already the fact that after everything I’ve read in the first few days (a month or so ago) I had the guts to identify the need for escape, purge and block – instead of opting to wait for him to come back again, reach out, bury the hatchet and swallow my pride. I owe it to HG first and foremost, and to all of you here. My No Contact regime is still shaky as HG rightfully noticed (ouch, but fair enough), but it’s a start. I would have been in a much, much deeper trouble had I not found this place.
Correct and you have the tools to make it far stronger. You have made the right start by being here.
Dolores, my no contact regime is like a earthquake and I’ve found myself in a bad position because of it. We live and learn but never give up.
Dear Mercy, I feel like we’re our own worst enemy in this juncture. No Contact is a state of mind, not merely a state of electronic communications; I understand that now.
Glad I saw this question Dolores—I didn’t get a notification via the app. To be blunt—I could shut the door in his face and feel nothing. Or guilt—none. As recently as the summer months I felt I had to accommodate him. My biggest shift has been since June. I was barely treading water for quite awhile before. In June I was off work and it was my time to get hurled more fluently forward.
My ET issues are less him—more life oriented. I’m plagued by it—finding how pervasive it is in other life compartments..
“He” is only an issue due concerns I have re, his life choices. I have irritation but not unfounded, and not driven full speed by ET.
6 more months—who knows where I’ll be. Yes—you can rewrite all of your story by changing the adjectives (as your take away will change) and placing objectives and action to a great sadness.
Lorelei – thank you. “Could shut the door in his face and feel nothing” sounds great, think I’ll be aiming for the same state of mind. Easier in my case because he doesn’t live in my country anymore, so the proverbial door now only exists online, and I’ve put all the (b)locks I could think of on that door. ET is a bitch though, sometimes it overrides all the logical knowledge, the memory of hurt and humiliation he put me through, and I start weeping for something I now know was fake. I don’t have any other outlet or source of help/information than HG’s blog, so all my eggs of hope are in this basket.
You do not need any other source of help of information than me.
If he’s out of the country that sounds fabulous. I had never heard the phrase emotional thinking before here—but it seems to fit like a glove.
I’ve had one bad breakup when I was younger, he was a normal guy; it took me two freaking years to stop obsessing over a ten-month relationship. I wonder how long it will take now to get over a 15 years long relationship. Wild guess? Anyone?
I wasn’t “upset” over my ex (I despised him) so much as my entire life had become awful in all regards so the clean up is substantial. I’m absolutely and incredibly in awe at how buried I’ve been. Had I known the amount of work.. I can only say that just tonight I was browsing my messenger history at one year ago. I’m so much better than at that time. Unfortunately I’m still a project. I wish I could say this has been easy Dolores but just go slow. It’s also not quite linear. I do have quality of life though—I had none. So, I’m not wishing to portray that the process is unhappy because I am happy a good bit. It’s an incredible investment. I’ve identified a ton of areas for opportunity and the hindrances I have all stem from this empathic handicap. I don’t view it as a dreamy or positive attribute. All facets of my life have a requirement almost to firm up and I’m tired a good bit. I’m also more capable though as my energy has returned. There was a moment, maybe a few—I recall thinking that I knew I didn’t know why but that I wasn’t going to ever be ok again. I was really obliterated and I’ve shared pieces here but not the entire story because it’s unnecessary— and it’s my story and my right to share or not. There may come a day but I’d like to not go to a dark place. It wasn’t just a bad marriage. It was an incredible decompensation that transpired over a long while. My own traits were essentially killing me. HG has a chapter in narc tales I just read about how the traits corrupt us. He can elaborate if he chooses. Anyway—maybe one day I’ll give the full story but it’s not a pretty one.
Lorelei – a big hug! I enjoy your sparkling comments all over the blog. You seem a real firecracker and I’m sorry I cannot sit down to have a few cocktails with you.
Depends on how much you’re willing to learn to rely on yourself for your health and happiness.
HG could get you there quite quickly if you let him.
Dolores, you are doing all the right things. Read, read, and read more. Here and HGs books. Listen to his recordings on YT. Your logic will build. The more time that passes without interacting with the N, the more your ET will wane. Fight the urge to unblock or to reach out, it will get easier with time. Also, what worked for me was thought stopping. Anytime a thought of N, a memory, a what if, wonder what, etc would enter my mind, I mentally swatted it dead like a fly and redirected my focus to something else. It takes effort at first, but soon I was swatting the thought faster and faster. As time goes on, the thoughts are less and less. You know you are making progress when you realize one fine day that days have gone by without a thought to be swatted. Don’t let the thoughts you have take hold. Don’t give them any energy. Ruminating is hazardous and will keep you from moving forward.
Dear MB, thank you so much for the support and for the wonderful advice! I’m very happy to realize you’re in a better place with your situation, well done!
You are welcome Dolores. Thought-stopping (however you accomplish it) is of utmost importance. In the very beginning I even wore a substantial rubber band on my wrist which was most effective. Whatever you do, don’t ring Amanda! (Narc Tales 2 reference)
Dear MB! I love the rubber band idea, thank you so much for this life-hack! There’s another trick a shrink taught me many years ago after a painful breakup / health issues I had: the “5-minute-rule”. It’s something about a negative thought starting to organically damage your brain after first five minutes of your entertaining that thought, so the point is letting yourself “think the bad thought” as soon as you’ve acknowledged it for exactly five minutes – that’s how long your brain is protecting itself, timing it if necessary, and then force the brain to think about something else. It worked for me, placebo or not.
5 minutes is not helpful.
Let me guess… 0 minutes 0 seconds is?
We obviously visit different shrinks.
Dolores, the problem with narc addiction (at least for me) are the positive thoughts. Do you know how far my mind can wander into fantasy land in five minutes?!? Plenty deep enough for ET to grow roots! Whatever works for you and keeps your N out of your head is a success. Thoughts are the hardest part of no contact to banish. Each time you swat a thought from your mind is a victory. Celebrate it as such.
I think you’re right, MB. 5 minutes might be too much, also for me this time. The fact that it helped in the past doesn’t guarantee success in this new situation. I’ll try to catch a logical thought by a thread each time, reminding myself “he’s a narcissist, that’s all I need to remember of him; that’s the answer to all why’s, how’s and what if’s”.
5 minutes is way too much and also shows a poor understanding of how thoughts manifest and operate in a person’s mind. You were given bad advice.
So, where is it between 0 minutes 0 seconds and 5 minutes?
I will explain that to you in the relevant context should you consult with me as it is important to convey it to you in detail.
Looking forward to it, yet taking my time to shape the right questions & also I realize you’re quite busy these days.
I am always busy but remain accessible. My endeavours are not your concern when it comes to obtaining understanding, logic and progressing towards freedom.
Dolores, you’ve got this logic thing down girl! You are steadfastly on your way to freedom. Well done 👊
Great advice from someone who knows. You’ve put the work in and now pay it forward. Did you feel warmth just now? That was a mental hug haha.
Thank you for the hug NA!
Another thing that has helped me with my healing other than learning about narcissism was looking into attachment theory and finding out what my attachment style is so that I could work towards developing a more secure attachment style. This helped me a lot with dating. We can still have problems outside of narcissism and if it takes you a significant amount of time to get over someone that could be due to your attachment style.
Dear Witch – that’s an excellent point, thank you! I indeed need to take this opportunity to learn more about myself and my attachment style. There’s definitely something off since never in my life have I actually initiated a breakup: it was always either the other party who chose to end the relationship, the mutual “growing apart” or the external circumstances. Thank you once again for highlighting this, much appreciated!
You’ve put all your eggs in the right crate. It’s better than a basket, it’s designed specifically for the purpose you seek and will protect you while you incubate with knowledge rather than ending up scrambled or fried anywhere else.
Haha. Ok that was a cheese omelette but you get what I mean.
NA! Eggheads, aren’t we? 😉
Yes, I agree it’s important to incubate with knowledge, stop being cocky, stop walking on eggshells and always be sunny side up!
No problem Dolores I hope it helps.
As much as it is important to learn about NPD it’s equally as important to learn about ourselves and how we also individually relate to others in dysfunctional ways.
Dolores: Congrats on finding HG, he will not disappoint. His advice is spot on and the enlightenment is progressive and healing. As to the “5 minute rule” I agree with HG. This does not map to what I have read in neuroscience journals. Ditch that. When you have a (false) positive memory, immediately consider the reality and stop it in its tracks. If you have a worry or negative thought, halt that and remember, you are free, he is in your past. Do not give this guy one more second. Spend all of your valuable thoughts on how you wish to live your life now and go live it.
NA: What??? You are giving hugs now? Holy moly! HG, break out the Deutz! 😘
Thank you FYC, much appreciated! It’s not easy in the beginning, but I’ll do my best. I’m very grateful for the support and words of wisdom.
Dolores, No, it is not easy, but it is achievable and you will find what you seek here. I have been commenting on this blog for just over a year and still learn new things daily. As for packages, you may wish to look into a consult and most definitely purchase the Zero Impact package. I just did and it’s contents are incredibly valuable. Worth far, far more than the price of admission. Seek AAF assistance if needed, but most definitely buy Zero Impact. Wishing you all the best as you go forward!
DH, the emotional outcome for me has been:
• More Logic=Less-to-No Emotional Turmoil, even if I happen to think about my Narcx or deal with current everyday narcs;
• Completely understanding myself and why I attracted and needed the Narcx in my life;
• Completely rewiring and revising my “self” to attract and need narcs less and less;
• Moving on for realz.
Dear lisk, thank you ever so much for your input! So getting better is a road to take, not a line to cross? Very good observation regarding other narcs in the future: something positive needs to come out of it all, so we don’t make the same mistake. We might have escaped one narc, but others might come sniffing – not necessarily in the form of the intimate partner.
Kisses 😘 DH!