The Three Letter Love Trap


It was your devotion and belief in a four letter word that led to you being targeted by us and thereafter ensnared. That was not your fault. We look for those who want love, who believe in love and dedicate themselves to the pursuit of the provision and receipt of love. Love is what caused you to appear on my radar. Love caused my antennae to twitch. Love made me lock my sights on you and commence the bombardment. Yes, love brought you to me but it is an even smaller word which prevents you from escaping. This tiny word packs plenty of bang behind its three letters. It is a word which punches above its weight. This word is one of qualification, hesitation and reservation. It causes hearts to sink and hearts to hammer in anxiety. It dashes hopes and puts in place obstacles and hurdles. This little word is one which prevents you from breaking free from our grip. It allows excuses to be made for our behaviour. It puts the brakes on, it weighs the anchor and digs in the heels. Just when you thought that you might be making some progress and getting away from our vile influence, this word appears and brings everything to a screeching halt. We often deploy this word in order to halt you when you are trying to speak. We add it to our conversations in order to protest or to create a condition precedent in order to irritate, upset and annoy you. It conveys indignation, annoyance and surprise. So much flows from such a small word. Whilst we have multiple uses for it, its primary purpose in keeping you where we want you, in our grip, confused and bewildered arises from your use of this word. You say it many times by reference to us and its effect is to cause you to question yourself. It nullifies the progress you may have made in moving away from our polluting influence. It hinders, distracts and ensures you remain bogged down. This word is repeatedly used by you, with reference to us and if you consider how many times you have used this word yourself, you will agree that its effect is considerable.

What is this word?


There it is. Look at that word. Three letters. That is all it comprises of. No grand, long word. No multiple syllables. To the point. Blunt. Effective. Small, unassuming and common. But it carries with it so much power and especially so in respect of the dynamic between your kind and our kind. This is the word which paralyses, hinders and traps. You use it all the time. We know you do. We rely on you doing so to make these traps for yourself. There are many of these traps.

“But he can be so lovely at other times.”

“But I am sure he didn’t mean it.”

“But sometimes I upset him.”

“But we have been so happy together.”

“But he said he wanted to marry me.”

“But it just doesn’t make sense.”

“But if I perhaps try a little harder then everything will work out okay won’t it?”

“But I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But why does he do that?”

“But what causes him to say those things after everything I do for him.”

“But all I need is to understand what makes him do that.”

“But if I give him another chance, I am sure it will succeed this time.”

“But if I don’t try, how will I know?”

“But we are soulmates, that is what he said.”

“But what I don’t understand is why he does that when he tells me loves me?”

“But this is what I want. Him and me.”

“But there are times when we are happy.”

“But he is just misunderstood.”

“But we always do things as a family.”

“But he is my son.”

“But she is my mother.”

“But he is my husband.”

“But I don’t want to upset her.”

“But I don’t want to lose him.”

“But I cannot stand it without him.”

“But I don’t know what to do next.”

“But whatever I do, it is never good enough.”

“But if only he would listen to me and then we could sort it out.”

“But if he could change, then everything would be brilliant.”

“But what if she makes him happy instead.”

“But if I stop now, everything else that I have done will go to waste.”

“But doesn’t everybody have a rough patch?”

“But who will believe me?”

“But where would I go?”

“But what would I do for money?”

“But if you would just try for us.”

“But if I don’t give him another chance, I will always regret it.”

“But you don’t know him like I do.”

“But this is what is meant to be, her and me together forever.”

“But sometimes I am so happy because of him.”

“But if you would just let me speak.”

“But why do you do this to me?”

“But I love him.”

How many of those have you said to yourself or to a friend? How many times have you started a sentence with those three words? How often have you sat crying and in between sobs muttered phrases like those? How many times have you pleaded with us using that word as part of your desperate begging? Many, many times.

Whether it appears as part of an excuse, part of bewildered disbelief, the beginning of an explanation, it serves to do one thing. It stops you escaping us. This qualification to what you are saying acts as a buffer preventing you from moving forward and making progress. It causes you to offer excuses for our behaviour rather than you knowing what such behaviour signifies. It is used as a means of avoiding confronting the harsh reality of our treatment of you. It is a method of circumventing the unpleasantness of having to deal with what we are. It is a device for continuing to keep you in a position where you cannot and will not let go. Whether it is because you want to help us, whether to gain answers about what we do, whether it is because you think that the golden period can be recovered or one of a dozen or more explanations which involve the use of this word, the ultimate effect is that it keeps you connected, tied and bound to us in some way. This word is your prison guard that prevents you from escaping the cell that we have created for you. It is you who uses this word, not us. It is you that in effect curtails your own liberation by the repeated spraying around of this tiny word by reference to us and our behaviours.

It is highly effective at trapping you.

It is highly effective at stopping you moving forward.

It is highly effective at allowing our manipulations to continue.

But we know this don’t we?


12 thoughts on “The Three Letter Love Trap

  1. ThePolicyOfTruth says:

    But I still love him. But I miss him. But he meant the world to me.
    These one I’m doing well with conquering, thanks to your works HG.

    But she is my mother. But I love her. Now these ones I am unable to conquer. I can’t bring myself to attempt NC there. I’m just not providing negative fuel by rising to her nonsense. That will have to do.

  2. RJ says:

    I was told by people. I should have seen things from the N’s point of view. Hard to get someones point of view when they won’t give a straight answer. Another thing told to me was that she just wasn’t at the same point in life as you were. Words and actions dictated differently. I say people don’t know until it happens to them. Plus people that have repeatedly bad relationships all their life or are staying in a bad relationship going nowhere for over twenty years should not give advice on things they don’t understand. Take peoples comments with a grain of salt, and look at their relationship history and status before taking advice and listening to their making excuses for a narcissist supposedly for your benefit. I stand by things explained and learned here.

  3. lisk says:

    Warning: Beware of improv actors.

    A key lesson in improv training is to use “and” instead of “but” to keep a skit going, because “but” has a tendency to halt the flow of thought/discussion/interaction.

    But/And I can’t help think that “and” increases the likelihood of an extended word salad.

  4. Mary Robinson says:

    Now I know my narc’s reasoning behind his statement “love trumps all.” Funny how I didn’t feel the same and was surprised at this statement.

  5. But I don’t care that she is my sister
    But I don’t care that he pretended to be my lover
    But I don’t care that they were all frenimies
    But I was foolish and I loved them with all my heart..a long time ago
    But then they made me hate them
    But they never provided me with the answers I so desperately craved
    But then I found the answers from HG Tudor
    But I am in a much better place now
    But I no longer love nor hate them
    But I no longer feel anything for them at all
    But I feel indifferent to them, they are nothing
    But they cannot exist without me and others
    But I have no regard for that
    But they are not worthy of any headspace at all
    But there are many good people out there
    But I can tell the difference now
    But I have found freedom
    But I want to say thank you to a man I shouldn’t really be thankful to
    But I am thankful
    Thank you HG

    1. Susan says:

      What great “buts”! Way to turn the buts to your advantage. H G’s information helped me get to many of the buts you listed especially one I never thought I could achieve. Indifference

    2. Violetta says:

      I may still be addicted to a narc…
      But it’s the ULTIMATE narc.

      Take that, Flannel-butt with the ponytail and the three-day stubble!

    3. Violetta says:

      Yeah, I’ll be doing even better when I don’t care if he gets his comeuppance at all, let alone from me

      1. You’ll deffo get there violetta x

  6. Lamb says:

    Said many of those things. Don’t understand why I have any feelings at all left for him after everything he’s put me through. He’s never considered my feelings, it’s always been about HIM.
    Selfish bastard.

  7. Whitney says:

    I loved him, and that trumped everything. So I was willing to try anything, and never stop trying and trying and trying and trying.

    I would’ve swam across the ocean or climbed Mount Everest to be with him.

    My Love was the meaning of life.

    Other predators knew he abused me, and they tried to do the same- but I cut contact immediately, because I didn’t love them.

    I would’ve never known, that some people don’t love the same.

  8. Esther says: was all fake… so, it’s time to put all those buts behind where they belong lol
    Thank You HG for sharing❣️🙂

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