I often read comments along the lines of
“I am ensnared by a narcissist and he knows exactly what he is doing, he is calculating it all and is determined to destroy me.”
I have no doubt that such belief is honestly held, but it is usually incorrectly held.
Why is that?
- It is only Greater Narcissists that are aware and operate in a calculated manner. Greater Narcissists are very rare indeed and therefore as a matter of statistics, if you have been ensnared by a narcissist, it is highly likely to be a Lesser or Mid-Range Narcissist.
- Mid Range Narcissists can appear to operate in a calculated manner owing to higher cognitive function. This is called “Instinctive Planning” which I will explain further in relation to this subject.
- The effect of emotional thinking. Yes, as you know emotional thinking obscures the use of logic and it does this repeatedly and in thousands of different ways. One of those ways is to cause you to think that the narcissist has planned and is operating in a calculated fashion because this will cause you to obsess more over what the narcissist is doing, talk more about what the narcissist is doing, try harder to contact the narcissist in order to halt this supposed calculated campaign against you and of course what are you doing if you do one or more of those things? You are engaging and feeding your inherent addiction to the narcissist. Accordingly, your emotional thinking absolutely wants you doing it and will make you ignore logic and honestly believe the narcissist is acting in a calculated fashion.
- The projection of your world view. Obviously you look at the world from your standpoint and because of this you think that anybody who engages in such behaviours as the ones you are experiencing must have planned them, because if you acted this way, you would know what you are doing and you would have planned them. This entirely understandable viewpoint of yours means that you cannot help but regard the behaviour as pre-meditated and calculated. You, as an empath victim do not manipulate through instinct. You have no need to do so, you are not designed that way and in fact if you ever (in the unusual event) try to manipulate somebody you tend to fail at it because you are just not made to do it and you are not practised at behaving that way. We on the other hand are designed to manipulate and for those who are not as evolved as the Greater Narcissist it is done through instinct. You impose your worldview on our behaviour, that is not high-handed of you at all, but it is incorrect.
Thus, these factors result in you erroneously reaching the conclusion that the narcissist is operating through calculation towards you.
How then do narcissists operate and what is their state of knowledge. Firstly, you ought to read these articles (or revisit them)
Secondly, let me provide you with an example to increase your understanding.
We must have control at all times over environments and that means the people within those environments and of course that includes you. The Lesser and Mid Range Narcissists do not realise this is what they require, this is known at an unconscious level. The Greater knows that control is needed and also has vastly superior abilities to achieve that.
The narcissist has turned up at the victim´s house to effect a direct physical hoover. The victims does not live any longer with the narcissist and there is an ongoing divorce process between the two.
He knocks at the door but the victim does not answer the door. The victim maintains no contact by not opening the door to tell the narcissist to reason with him to leave her alone. The victim does not shout through the letter box telling the narcissist to “Foxtrot Oscar”, the victim does not gesticulate through the window for the narcissist to go away or open the window and pour water down on the waiting narcissist. No matter how tempting those responses might be, the victim must not execute them because that is engagement which means
- Fuel Provision
- Potential adverse consequence , and
- Heightened Emotional Thinking
Previously the Victim would engage through pleading, shouting and even threatening. All of which is Challenge Fuel and only encouraged the narcissist to keep asserting control and indeed lowered the Hoover Bar to prompt further hoovers.
Accordingly, the victim´s failure to respond amounts to wounding. The victim is the Former IPPS and therefore is at the top of the fuel hierarchy. This failure to respond is “in person” and therefore the result of this is massive wounding for the narcissist.
This massive wounding means that fury is ignited. This is part of there narcissist´s self defence mechanism and occurs because it is a visceral, emotional fury which is necessary to MAKE the narcissist do something to end the wounding, heal the wound and gain control. It has to be explosive to cause an immediate response.
The Lesser Narcissist
The Lesser has a low control threshold on the ignited fury. He operates through instinct only.
His narcissism, were it a voice would be stating :-
“We do not have control. Assert immediate control. Our range of options are limited as this is a Lesser. Utilise Verbal Insult and Property Damage.”
The Lesser does not operate a facade. He has no control. He absolutely needs control and he needs it now.
The narcissist, unaware of what his narcissism is “thinking” responds immediately with Verbal Insult as a form of manipulations, albeit crude and rudimentary.
“You had better open this fucking door now, you bitch or I will kick it down and I will come in there and teach you to ignore me. Open this fucking door now!!”
The Victim holds no contact. The wounding is continuing because the narcissist remains at the Victim´s door but he is being ignored. His fuel level is depleting rapidly, he is being wounded and he is not getting fuel.
The narcissist switches instinctively to Property Damage and picks up a large rock from the garden and hurls it through a window smashing it.
The Victim holds no contact but reaches for the phone to call the police.
The narcissist is still being wounded because there has been no response to the smashing of the window. He picks up another rock and hurls another one through the window. The Victim still does not respond.
At this point the narcissism, were it a voice would be stating
“Situation critical. Repeated massive wounding. Target failing to respond. Control not established. Immediate need to end wounding and establish control. Withdraw.”
Throwing a few choice comments the narcissist leaves before the police arrive. His retreat means he halts the wounding because he removes himself from the source of the wounding. He now asserts control through ending the engagement. He will be forced to go and gain fuel so he heads to a different appliance and engages with them to obtain fuel to address the reduction in his fuel level. He does not think
“Damn, I did not gain control there and I was being wounded, so I need to go and gain fuel elsewhere.” (This is what is occurring at an unconscious level)
Instead he consciously thinks “What a cow ignoring me like that.” He heads off to the bar to tell his Coterie about her latest ignorant behaviour and their disapproval of her conduct and approval of his conduct “That showed the bitch you will not be messed with” provide him with fuel to address the wounding suffered and replenish his lowered fuel levels.
Meanwhile the Victim, affected by the four points details above sits awaiting the police and thinks to herself.
“He knew what he was doing. He purposefully came around to intimidate and smash my windows. He always used to smash things up when we were together, he knows exactly how to terrify me and does it on purpose.”
Her Emotional Thinking hijacks her fear and uses it against her.
Her worldview causes her to view the behaviour as deliberate and calculated, but as the worked example above shows, it is not.
She believes this part of an ongoing campaign of harassment which has been deliberately thought out against her – the narcissist keeps calling around because there have been Hoover Triggers and the Hoover Execution Criteria have always been met (primarily because the narcissist does not live far from the Victim, he drives past her house on the way to work and previously she has always given fuel to the narcissist when he comes banging on the door.) This belief causes her to think this is a Greater who is orchestrating a malice campaign against her. It is not, it is actually a series of Malign Follow-Up Hoovers because she is painted black (there is an ongoing divorce process) and there are repeated FUHs for the reasons explained.
Thus the Victim believes that this is calculated behaviour, albeit somewhat crude in its nature and either thinks that this is a Lesser Narcissist who plots and plans or that because he evidently plots and plans this is a Greater Narcissist who is especially unpleasant violent. Her conclusions whilst understandable are incorrect.
He is a Lesser Narcissist. There is an unconscious awareness which is the way the narcissism operates and if it had a voice it would state the points I have explained above. However, it does not and the Lesser Narcissist does not know why he does as he does or he has an alternative explanation for his actions (again obscured by the narcissism and the nature of its self defence) . He does not act in a calculated fashion.
The Victim is misled through a lack of understanding, fear, emotional thinking and worldview into believing this is calculated and pre-meditated behaviour.
The Lesser Narcissist can give the impression of knowing what he is and what he is doing and that it is calculated, but for the reasons explained above, he does not know and it is not calculated.
Next will be the Mid Range Narcissist.