I Want

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What goes through the mind of the Greater Narcissist when he has decided that he must unleash his malice against some transgressor, some traitor, some disloyal appliance which has affronted him in some way? What does he want when the harsh and cruel machinations are about to be deployed against his or her victim? What are his thoughts as he bears down on the one who now represents everything that he despises? Whether they have escaped him, exposed him, challenged him or some other capital crime against the nation-state of narcissism, the Greater Narcissist’s dark mind goes into overdrive. This is a glimpse inside to understand what he wants.

I want you to know that only I know. I want you to know that your wounds are self-inflicted. I want you to feel the ice coldness of your bed at midnight. I want you to hear my voice everywhere that you go. I want a controlling interest in you.  I want my face to appear even when you close your eyes.

I want you to walk in heavy chains each and every day. I want you to touch the scar so you remember me. I want you to always understand how hungry I am for your fuel. I want you to always feel my baleful gaze on you. I want you to glance my reflection in the window and feel that knot of fear in your stomach. I want you to feel my hand on your shoulder even though there is nobody there.

I want you to scream and realise that nobody is coming. I want your world to implode. I want to know how much you hate me. I want to know how much you love me. I want you to know only that which I want you to know. I want you to learn the cost of loving me. I want you to know that my malevolence is just a way to win.

I want you to see me broadcast your secrets far and wide. I want you to understand that the sweetest condition is to be with me. I want you to be knocked to the ground by my thunder. I want you to be shackled to me by the sound of my voice. I want you to realise that compassion is over-rated. I want you to come begging for me to stop.

I want you to know that evil can be so handsome, I want you to feel what it is like to have the grasping hands come from nowhere in order to pull you apart. I want you to watch the light disappear.

I want you try and lift you head, but all I shall see is you exposing your neck I want your world to implode. I want to see you isolated. I want to see the hope in your eyes so I can extinguish it. I want you alive because then there always remains future possibilities. I want you to run but then realise that you cannot.

I want you to now know the true meaning of hurt. I want you to grasp what you have done to me. I want you to experience betrayal. I want you to feel the earth giving way beneath your feet. I want everything you once knew to mean nothing anymore.

I want you dazed. I want you confused. I want you not knowing left from right. I want you stumbling in my footsteps. I want you blundering in the fog that I breathe around you. I want you calling for help and hearing just an echo.

I want you to understand that dreams can be crushed. I want you to never know the truth. I want you to be buried alive by my lies. I want the heavy, dead weight of your guilt to pin you down.

I want you to confront me and fail to understand how you are just giving me what I need. I want to watch your defences crumble. I want you to find that everything is black or white. I want everything to taste like ash to you. I want you to understand what it feels like to be controlled by another. I want you to pray for salvation from me. I want you to seek salvation at my hand.

I want you to hide just so I can come and find you. I want you to try and wipe away the smears and to watch the panic as you find nothing is removing them. I want to see you swallow your own lies about me. I want to hear your terror down the phone line. I want you to shout for me to just make it stop. I want you to give me what belongs to me.

I want you to understand that the darkness is everywhere. I want you to pay the price for your treachery. I want you to find what you once had and give it to me again, for one last time. I want to see that smile vanish when you know it was me. I want your day to begin with me and end with me.

I want the clouds to cover your moon. I want the steady drum of rain drops to mask my approach until I suddenly appear besides you. I want to know where you are, all of the time. I want your dreams to dissipate and for me to rule your nightmares. I want your thoughts to be about me and me alone.

I want you to understand I will not stop. I want you to realise I am unstoppable.

I want to watch you lose control.

I want you to lose.

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3 Comments

  1. What I wonder here is where all that fury and wishing the other bad things comes from. What is the true source of it in the narcissist’s mind and life, because it is unlikely to be really that one person or relationship. It more sounds like a massive projection that they infuse many of their relationships with at a particular stage.

    My father had some strong narcissistic traits. I was almost never the target of his negativity, more his favorite person and he often used me and my accomplishments as part of his grandiosity construct, quite often exaggerating and even making up positive things about me, which I disliked. We had a good relationship overall and I became very much his confidant when I grew up, but I often witnessed abusive behavior towards my mother (not that she was an angel at all) and it felt so out of place… I kinda concluded (when I was older) it couldn’t have been about my mom and I also encouraged my mom to see it that way, that dad had his crazy that somehow just had to come out sometimes. I learned it much later what that might have been when I learned about narcissism. He wasn’t like that often but enough to notice by most people close to him. If I had to classify his narc patterns, I wouldn’t regard him as a Greater as he was not particularly self-aware and introspective until pretty late in his life, but this post reminded me of my old thoughts about where the hell those behaviors might have come from truly, and why the need to do it over and over again.

    Now I understand it may be for the reinforcing power of negative fuel, but then it takes me back to the other question I always have: why does hatred and negative fuel motivate a narcissist so much? Psychologists often explain similar things with releasing the internalized negative energy, frustration and criticism the narc received in their early life but certainly not everyone who was abused as a child adopts this strategy, it is clearly the result of interaction with other personality traits. Observing my own parents was a prime example because they both had very difficult childhoods but they turned out as day and night really. What both of them applied in conflict situations was the silent treatment though. I wondered many times, as a child, what the heck must have been going on in their minds during those because it looked so odd to me. It still does as an adult as it’s not something I would ever use in response to criticism or being hurt, for my mind it does not compute and feels absolutely unproductive as far as managing conflict or even to turn my frustration around. Learning about narcissistic reactions and passive aggression has explained some of it. Some, but not all.

  2. “I want you to understand what it feels like to be controlled by another.”

    Crux of the whole thing.

  3. Wow. This is exactly like my brother when we were living together. Now that we are adults he pretends like it never happened. I have never lived closer than an 8 hour drive home since, but I have visited and he doesn’t try to do what he did as kids. He loses his temper but he doesn’t have a mission plan for me like he did before. He has detached and placed a facade on. What I don’t understand is why he expects me to forget too. He acts like it never happened even trying to be nice and normal with me. He even forgets what happened to him. I remember my dad kicking him while he was in the fetal position covering his head on the floor in the living room. My dad was yelling insults and kicking him with steel toe boots. I hated my brother but I was scared and hurting for him in this instance. He was the evil one, with all the power and control, he was a pre-teen old enough to remember, and yet he claims he doesn’t. I guess he was re-writing history where he never lost control and he believes his own story he re-wrote.

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