No Contact Mistakes : Thinking We Will Not Hoover You
A second common mistake which occurs when somebody implements no contact is thinking that there will not be a hoover from us. As I have explained, the hoover takes place at various points in the dynamic between narcissist and victim. In this instance, it concerns the post escape or post discard hoover.
Where you have escaped us, you will almost always face the Initial Grand Hoover as we unleash a frenzied attempt to bring you back under our control. This will happen where you tip us off and also once we realise you have embarked on your escape without giving us any notice of what you are doing. (You can read more about how we react in such instances with these articles How No Contact Feels – Part One How No Contact Feels Part – Two How No Contact Feels – Part Three ) Should you manage to resist the Initial Grand Hoover you are usually granted a period of respite as we seek fuel from our supplementary sources (secondary and tertiary ) and look to find a different primary source.
Where you have been discarded of course there is no Initial Grand Hoover. We have a new primary source and we focus on that person, effectively deleting you from our minds. You may try to contact us, to get answers, to win us back, to try and resolve unfinished business and you are rebuffed and receive malign hoovers which cause you to back off.
Accordingly, in the case of escape you have rejected the Initial Grand Hoover and there is silence. Or, you have been discarded and your attempts to connect with us have been rejected and there is silence from us. You implement or maintain no contact going forward and the fact that you have heard nothing from us, no messages, no phone calls, nobody calling around to see you, no enquiries from our friends or family causes you to think that you have weathered the storm and that it is all over.
It is not.
I will return to this presently.
The other common mistake that people make with regard to thinking that we will not hoover is making use of the phrase ‘final discard’. I have seen this used many times and I do not know where it has originated from. It appears to be the case that people seem to think that there is some final flourish from us as we tell you that this time it is REALLY over and this time I mean it (although didn’t I say that last time?)
There is no such thing as a final discard. I have written previously that the word discard is not accurate because it really is a dis-engagement. In our minds, our relationship with you lasts until either you die or we die. It is for life because you belong to us. Yes, we will put you from our minds at certain times (when enjoying the golden period with someone else, when we place an IPSS on the shelf) but this does not mean that it is over.
Just because you have weathered the sustained effort of the Initial Grand Hoover to win you back does not mean that we have got the message and we will leave you alone. It is a temporary cessation in the hostilities. Our need for fuel will send us elsewhere as we hunt down a new primary source but we will be back. You have a period of respite by which you can build your no contact and recover but do not be drawn into thinking that this one off blitz of hoovering was the end of it. Similarly, do not think just because we have told you that we wish you would fuck off and die, or disappear off the planet that we will not come back for more. Just because you have tried to speak to us but we have rebuffed you does not mean that that is the end. Not at all.
We are contrarians, hypocrites and engage in contradictory behaviour. This is because of the narcissistic perspective that we adopt. We do what the fuel requires of us. All is as the fuel dictates it to be. If that means in January you are persona non grata, it does not mean that by May we will not declare our love for you once more. What has gone before is the past and we have no sense of shame or reluctance in coming back to you again. It does not matter that we once cast you aside because you failed us. That was then and this is now. Now somebody else has failed us, they have been painted black and this means that you are back in favour. You have recovered and we see you through the lens of being a ‘good’ person once again, someone who is going to give us what we need. It is irrelevant that you let us down previously. What matters is that our perspective causes you to be seen as a good source of fuel and we want it.
It is understandable why you might think we might not hoover, this may be for any of the following reasons:-
- We were so savage in our discard of you;
- You exposed us to people when you escaped;
- Significant time has passed;
- You believe there was a ‘final discard’;
- You hear we are with somebody else;
- You are with someone new;
- You sent us packing when we tried the Initial Grand Hoover.
Whilst these may influence the likelihood of a hoover occurring they will not in themselves mean that it will not happen.
Accordingly, just because of the circumstances and the passage of time, you decide you can go back on social media, you can accept friend requests from strangers, you can go to the places you had avoided for some time, you can talk about us freely again with your friends or even our friends and so on. This is dangerous.
I am not suggesting that you must spend the rest of your life always looking over your shoulder. That is unsustainable but you ought not to think that there will never be a hoover because if you do this you will instinctively lower your guard and in so doing you will cause two things
- You are far more likely to activate a Hoover Trigger by entering the spheres of influence; and
- You will lower the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria and thus increase the chances of a hoover happening.
Of course you may well be in a better place and thus far more able to repel the hoover when it happens but there remains a risk, because of your inherent susceptibility to our kind, that as I explained in Part One of this series, you will allow exposure to us cause your emotional thinking to rise and over take your logical thinking which means you are risking being dumped into the emotional sea once again.
If you think a hoover will never happen you will become complacent and you will then start to do the very things which will result in a hoover being MORE likely to happen. Thus, by always reminding yourself that there is a risk (even if it is very small) of a hoover taking place you will continue to maintain a degree of vigilance which ensures this risks stays small and you do not begin to engage in behaviours which encourage us.
I see repeatedly people state that they know their narcissist will not hoover again. They write that it will not happen and they are safe. The only way you are safe from a hoover is if we have died.
I have hoovered somebody after a 12 year hiatus. I would do it after a longer period of time if there was a Hoover Trigger and the criteria are met. There is fuel available and we will take it and assert our superiority and control over you. Remember, we made an investment in you, all that time ago and we will want to keep drawing on it. The fact you have not heard from us for a long time is because our attention was elsewhere and your no contact is proving effective so even if there is Hoover Trigger, the criteria are not met and therefore no hoover follows.
If you start thinking we will never hoover you, you will become complacent and that is when you run a greater risk of a hoover actually taking place.
67 thoughts on “No Contact Mistakes : Thinking We Will Not Hoover You”
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That is so true about the wallowing hole HG. It just keeps us treading in the same pool. Never getting out of it, nor seeing that we stay in our own chains.
I don’t know what to do from here. I’m not hurting anymore. I don’t want to skip off into the sunset and completely forget and then wind back up in the same situation with another one.
I have confusion that smacks me hard if something strange happens but other than that, I’m in no pain now.
You’re amazing because I was a wreck and now I’m not. And you did that for me and I’m so grateful to you.
But what now? What do we do when we just wake up and realise that we’re ok?
Do we keep learning here HG? Or just put it all to bed?
It really is good news Renarde!
We are all learning together and though the circumstances may be unfortunate, the process afterwards is just so important. If something we posted, in turn, makes others apply better choices and actions for a different outcome, then that’s just brilliant and a silver lining for someone else!!
I love the interactions here too. I don’t always comment because I’m just about ready to break the addiction to anything N related and also because I want to learn to say less, which has always been an issue for me. I tend to just say everything that I’m thinking without much thought and I’m trying hard (yes really! Haha) to lesson that.
Julie P. Hrm. There was something more going on there. I wonder how many of us checked her FB page, since she used her real name. She stated it wasn’t changeable. But yes it is. New account and solved. For everyone that looked at her FB, we created our own personal exposure, since we can see in the “people you may know” tab, just who has been looking at us. It was odd.
Anyway, who knows? I’ve been taught I’m crazy for so long that maybe I am. And I’ve been taught I’m paranoid for so long so maybe that’s true too. But you’re only paranoid if you’re wrong.
Renarde, I am so out of it with the narc. I’m very embarassed really. I feel sad for him. But I don’t need closure. I realised that closure is so simple. He is a narc. Solved. That’s my closure. I don’t need any answers because I learned them all right here and I don’t need him at all anymore.
I still have a lot of work to do on myself though.
And to hell with group’s. I’m out of them. 🙂 We live and learn 🌹
Sparkling, for various reasons, i have found that the only safe place to speak about your experience is here. I have found therapists, friends, friends i thought i was very close to and even friends who are therapists just DONT KNOW. They just dont have the knowledge. And i found that if i talked to these people i was retraumatising myself on occasions as i was having to convince them of the abuse, just like i had to in my relationship with the narc so i was sending myself on a familiar journey. The only personal acquaintances i can talk to, are the ones who know they have been involved with a narcissist and ‘get it’.
Valid points IT.
In order to make progress, it is necessary to address what has happened. The problems that occur outside of the use of my information and the provision of this forum are that
1. People find a “wallowing hole” where they can go over and over what has occurred without making any progress at all. Their ET remains high so they fail to realise what they are engaging in , and/or
2. They are not provided with the right answers and/or full answers so that the downside of increased ET occurs without any consequential gain. Thus, here you will have a slight increase in ET because you are talking about the narcissists or narcissism BUT this is an acceptable consequence because here you are getting huge slabs of logic. Elsewhere, not the case. Elsewhere, it is like being sick and losing your hair as a consequence of chemotherapy without actually tackling the cancer.
That’s pretty much what I was doing immediately after suffering Acute Inflammation of the Wanna-Be Playuh Narc. Wallowing, scratching the wound, never letting it heal.
We all want answers. Our own narcs won’t and usually can’t give them: they don’t know what they are.
You are very Screwtape, HG. It won’t be so easy for those minor little devils to lure us, now that we’ve seen the Master at work.
You are right Intrepid Traveller.
No one knows and no one can ever understand, unless they are a N or they have been traumatized from one/many.
It’s so very specific, but only to itself. Trying to explain it all feels like banging your own head on a brick. And comments that people try to make such as; move on, get over it, build a bridge, are worthless to people who are trauma bonded. They need very specific help and advice that not many can/will ever understand.
I haven’t bothered with therapy. I just read. I try to remember as much as I can. I don’t really talk about it, except here. Occasionally I say something in a private FB group so that people know that they aren’t alone or that they aren’t crazy. Because any N prey, NEEDS to know that they are neither.
I mainly just offer information on what helped me get past those horrific months. It probably doesn’t help anyone because everybody’s recovery will be different, but if it helped even one single person to think or feel differently, even for a day, then I like to think it’s worth it.
But I’m FB done! Pointless rubbish anyway and it seems to attract the N’s so I’m out.
I mean coincidence
Please can someone answer…. I know you won’t HG, but anyone, please?
I have received 6 friend requests in as many weeks, from strangers. Whatever, it happens. I never accept them.
But a week ago, someone from a narc group tried to add me. I explained, NO, via messenger but I told her that I would be there if she ever needed to talk about it.
This morning, she messages me. Asks if I’m ok and I tell her, yes! That I’m doing great etc etc.
She starts promting me to talk about my ex lover narc and how I feel. She prompted about the sex. Asked me if I felt stupid or ugly.
I said hell no! I’ve never felt more alive and beautiful. She asked if I had a lot of friends around me and I said yes. She asked if I would talk to my narc again and I said NO, that he abandoned me and now I don’t need him.
I’m happy and healed. I gave too much information when prompted about the sex. . She pressed on and asked, “not how you are now, how were you then, when you were discarded?”. So I told her. Broken. Suicidal. Cut all my hair off. Miserable. Defeated. But it’s all ok, because I am none of those things anymore and I couldn’t be happier again.
Then she clicked the “laugh” symbol on my comment and I thought that was weird.
She asked me why we get hooked to them? I told her because we are trauma bonded. I told her i am codependent. Then she said I must have had a very good therapist to be at this stage of healing. I said no, I just read many books about narcissists.
Then she asked me what my star sign was. I was feeling weird about the conversation at that point so I didn’t answer.
Then she told me her sign sign. And it’s HIS star sign!
I immediately asked it this was him and she started writing weird stuff. Denied it. Told me to calm down. To settle down. Wrote LOL.
i repeated that I knew it was him or at least that I knew it was another narc.
Conversation over. They said, have to go, bye. And then vanished.
Was this him? My narc? Is the star sign enough evidence that it was him? I mean, really, it’s only a 1/12 confidence, but I have this deep unsettling feeling that it was him.
Was it him? And if so, why? There is just no point? What could he have possibly gotten from that? And does this mean he’ll try again? I directly said I would never speak to him again.
Where you seek bespoke answers to your situation you should organise a consultation so that you can provide more information and receive more information. There are too many variables based on the information provided so far, hence that is the reason the consultations exist.
Yes. I would agree with HG. Your tale is a bit of a strange one. I’m not sure either way on this.
My instinct is saying not your ex just a random chancer but I cannot be sure. Not entirely.
Best consult I think.
Two things though, you ARE Sparkling and stop hanging around narc groups! No good will come if it!
Take care x
Renarde, I’m also on the fence.
It was probably not him. Just the weird and random mention of his star sign for absolutely no reason made my blood chill. But, in any event, it WAS a narc. I could suddenly feel it in my bones. I’m not wrong (huh! I’m really not wrong!!! 🥰).
So this is good actually! I felt it. I knew it. I recognised it!
I’ve learned here, even though I keep stumbling, but at the end of the day, I’m not in pain anymore. I don’t cry anymore. I don’t want to ever see him again and I wish him well without malice or resentment now. These are all great and constructive outcomes.
And yes, I agree about the FB group’s and I’m out of them. I don’t need them anymore, but I did for a little while.
And take care too! 🙂 xoxo
STBS
This is excellent news! Well done you! I am also learning. I often stumble. But on the back of your post, I applied learning today to my own situation.
No site can ever be narc free but this is one of the safest places. (I did note that the fragrant Julie P rocked up in the last few days) but I have been guilty of being in the wrong groups. I recognise that now. Now I will only interact in groups which are both intelligent and have a minimal narc quota. No point otherwise.
I love the interactions on here. They are amazing.
So we’re both learning together!
As to the narc. Well, looks like you are out of it. And have learned valuable lessons.
I know HG.
You’re a busy man.
These stupid things happen on the spot and we need help so quickly to halt any spiralling.
We can’t just ring you up and demand a conversation at the moment we need it. And then the moment is gone, we’ve acted and we can’t take it back.
An emergency “HG WILL sort this sh*t out with you” service would be a no brainer. Though not fair to you, to be needed in a heartbeat.
And thankyou for being present so that we can reach out.
No Contact minimizes the occurrence of those on-spot moments.
That really is the beauty of it!
Lisk, that is just so true!
How to contact someone who is unavailable and uncontactable in the first place?!
The simplicity of it!
OMGosh this is my experience to a t. All of a sudden in there reply they use my favorite color heart and then have to get back to work the exact same job as my Narc. Coincidence?? I just dropped the conversation like a hot potato yet still second guessing myself.
It’s ridiculous.
Like dropping hints to remind you of them, in a sly way.
Probably just being over emotional, but it felt wrong.
I do believe in my instincts now and I feel that it was him. I should’ve acted faster, but I acted. And that’s new for me.
Maybe we just have to listen to ourselves immediately. If we’re wrong, who cares? Time to start trusting our own judgements straight away.
Exactly, STBS.
Sounds like this was a good learning moment for you!
It was. I was so certain that it was him.
Now I am uncertain. But KNOW it was “one”. I hate second guessing myself these days. I think, if I think it, it is so and that’s that. But really, who knows?
And at this very moment, I actually don’t care which. It just doesn’t matter. All that matters is safe guarding myself and minimising instances, where they can play with me.
I just think “Oh, just f*ck right off, so I can scroll to something inspirational, or a really cute kitten video!”.
No harm done! This time. Hopefully there won’t be a next time.
Oh! And so worth noting; I did not toss and turn and have invasive thoughts that robbed me of sleep. I slept like the dead and slept in late too. So there’s another step forward for me. It is NOT interrupting my happy place anymore!
STBS,
It sounds like you are processing a lot and processing it WELL.
You are also PRACTICING what you are learning, applying new knowledge to your current situation so that knowledge becomes second nature to you, so that you can MASTER yourself and your emotions.
Mastery involves Practice and you are doing it!
I see this recent event as a well-timed challenge that you have been preparing for. With your new experience and now new lesson learned, you are less likely to repeat the same miscalculation twice.
Perhaps one day, Professor Tudor will confer your degree! 📜
Lisk! Thank you. 🤗
I so agree! I am doing that. We all are.
Learn and apply!
Months ago, I would have just chatted on and on with that imposter and ignored every hair that stood on end and even the chill down my spine. But not now. Thanks to this place!
It’s positive that so much light can come from so much dark.
So yes! I’m now looking at this situation as a test, that yes, I initially failed, but then I received extra credit, after the fact and passed!
I am more prepared now. That trick will never catch me off guard again and if I keep closing all the weak spots, I’ll be narc proof in no time!
Weaponized!
I’ll get that degree! But I’m pretty sure it won’t come from our lovely Professor Tudor. Afterall, we can NEVER be right! 😉
STBS
There is no point (or need) in is accepting requests or speaking with anyone you don’t know. Protect yourself by ending that practice. If it was him he got lots.
Honestly NarcAngel, what a colossal f*ck up!
I’m so mad at myself.
This person reached out and I know how alone I felt, when it all happened so I didn’t think twice about it.
When I clicked that it was wrong, I acted. But I really don’t know why I didn’t act quicker.
At least, I’ve learned something.
Don’t talk to strangers on any medium that isn’t monitored.
That’s a good point, STBS.
The monitoring of this blog definitely keeps it a safe space. KTN could not work so well for us—or work at all—without it.
Hooray for HG Control!
Hahaha Lisk!
We are actually celebrating and thankful to a narc for His control, and for once, we can’t argue as we actually need it and want it!
Oh! The amusing world we live in!
Hello Sparkling, First rule of thumb, you do not have to answer questions posed to you by anyone. Please do get that bespoke consult because it sounds like your gut is telling you it is your exN or someone tied to him. Cut that person off and talk to HG.
Hi FYC,
First rule of thumb for me now; Don’t talk to strangers.
I felt like it was wrong to pull out of a conversation with someone who said they were suffering with pain and anxiety.
But lesson learned.
STBS,
Yep, that got you right in your empath heart.
Thank you for sharing your experience. You helped remind me to stay on guard and trust my instincts.
Lisk,
I remember HG said, “that we come here to remember not to forget” (or words to that effect). I’ve repeated that sentence before because it speaks to me.
I got good advice, excellent advice, and yet, I forgot again.
Wise words that I need to remember. We all do.
But my instincts did kick in and I really felt them, so at least I didn’t ignore them at the end, as I usually would have.
Wise lesson learned, Sparkling. It was probably a combination of your sense of decency and ET that was taken advantage of/manipulated in this case. I just want you to know that you are not a bad person or a rude person or unkind in the least when you choose not to answer a question in any setting, no matter what is going on with the other person. Even IRL with someone you know, sometimes it is best to err on the side of less versus more. You can always disclose more, but you cannot take back what you disclose. When you are faced by probing questions in real life, always know that you have options (no reply, decline, ask why they are asking, pivot to what you want to say without discussing what you rather not, etc.).
I just didn’t think twice.
I thought, oh! I know how this person feels! If I let her know how bad it was for me and that now it’s not like that, she’ll feel hope!
Great! I suppose it doesn’t matter now or much anyway. I didn’t give any details that even matter.
No person information and no contact information. Whoever it was got some free entertainment.
Good for them. Sad and pathetic.
And it woke me up enough that I unfollowed and left all the group’s I was in, so that’s really a bonus too.
All it did was give me reminders that I don’t need anymore, anyway. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
FYC
Good point about other options. I find responding with: why do you ask? to requests for personal information usually works. It puts the asker on the spot because usually it’s just being nosy and most don’t want to admit that. A lot of times the response will be: oh I don’t know, or just nosy I guess, which can then be laughed off and ignored by changing the subject. It also lets them know you have boundaries.
Precisely! I very much appreciate your innate skills and direct style, NA. They are not lost on me.
What is a Narc group Shiney Star?
I don’t think talking to people you don’t know about this stuff is a sensible plan.
Did you learn anything?
Did it make you feel better?
Has it caused you anxiety or distress?
I know that we talk about them here and and that worries me a bit as I’d rather I didn’t even think about him but at least people here will point out that our thinking is emotional and unhelpful. I’ve also talked to a lady I met in person who confided in me and I directed her here.
Take better care of yourself Sparkly girl and forget whether it was him or not. It doesn’t matter now, it’s done. A bump in the road to be avoided in future x
Sensible observations.
Hi Notme!
It’s just a group where people share their stories and lend an ear. It’s actually lovely to see the amount of time and care that strangers pour into each other. I like it, I do. Because everyday without fail, I read something I hadn’t thought about or see a similar situation that clarifies my own and another puzzle box closes.
I do learn everyday.
It does make me feel better everyday.
It never causes me anxiety or distress.
Having said that, someone contacting me, under a false guise absolutely caused me to feel unhappy and confused. Lucky I had a work function that I was getting ready for or I think I would have burst into tears! As it happens, I didn’t want to ruin my winged eyeliner, so NO TEARS. And since it was an open bar, no thoughts of him or N’s all night long. It didn’t set me back, but under different circumstances, it really could have.
Someone reaches out for help and it is VERY hard to ignore. I know how I felt in those very awful times and I didn’t know that help was out there. I worry that if someone felt as low as I did, then I know how close to the edge they are feeling. How to ignore that?
This was yet another lesson for me.
It was clear and I ignored it. She/he/it didn’t need me! They had already found the page so they had all the answers and help they needed. I should have ignored her message to me. Simple. And thank god I didn’t accept any friend requests!
A bump in the road! But a good lesson xoxo
Soon to be sparkling!
When I read that comment it reminded me of Hotel California.
“Some dance to remember, some dance to forget”
HG Tudor says:
September 19, 2019 at 09:26
That is why you read here, to remember not to forget.
https://narcsite.com/2019/09/19/your-selfish-point-of-view-2/comment-page-1/
Hi K 🤗
That’s so weird that you just said that!
I was listening to The Eagles the other day and when H.C played, I heard it so differently than usual and found reference to N’s.
But I adore that statement HG said.
Sometimes you hear something that really resonates and that was certainly one of them!
Hello Soon to be sparkling!
Every time I hear that song, I think of narcsite and that is why I remembered that quote.
K
Yes, but I’ll bet the line that reminds you of narcsite is: You can check out anytime, but you can never leave, from comments long ago haha.
NarcAngel
Hahahaha…every time that line comes up I think of narcsite AND that comment! HC is a great song.
K says:
April 30, 2017 at 01:27
10. It is just the way he is; I have got used to it. That sums it all up rather nicely. And, yes, the golden period was an illusion, it just seemed so real…to me, but I realize, now, it was simply a set-up to extract fuel. Eventually, I figured out something was really, really wrong. However, it is absolute madness, like being roofied, tossed down a rabbit hole, forced to attend a Mad Tea-Party, then you get your ass kicked with a mallet at the Queen’s Croquet Ground, all before playing a psychotic game of chess with the Red Queen. Finally, when it is all over, you wake up wondering what the fuck happened. Now I feel like I am stuck in Hotel California; [y]ou can check out any time you like, but you can never leave!
https://narcsite.com/2017/04/29/excuses-equal-endangered/
K,
I do enjoy being able to see and hear the little things, that I couldn’t before!
It’s a song I’ve heard a thousand times, as we all have, but now I really hear it.
“We are all just prisoners here, of our own device”. So true!
I’ll think of narcsite too from now on where I hear that song and reference it to yet another catch phrase;
Once you know, you go!
Soon to be sparkling!
‘This could be heaven or this could be Hell’ (seduction or devaluation).
Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (lovely zone)
Your comment below reminded me of the song, too.
Soon to be sparkling! says:
October 8, 2019 at 15:17
Oh and I really was so lucky for the time that I had with him! We stayed in the lovely zone for a very very long time.
https://narcsite.com/2019/10/08/how-why-who-3/
If you ever want to pull up your comment, Google: Soon to be sparkling lovely zone.
Haha K.
Lovely zone!!!!???? Haha I said that!
God, I meant it at that time too!
Lovely zone. Nope! I can now reword that to “f*cking deluded zone”.
Thank goodness we heal!
Onwards and upwards!
Soon to be sparkling!
Hahahaha…yes, you did. Although The GP was an illusion, it was a damn good one!!!
P.S.
Exactly!
“We are all just prisoners here, of our own device” (emotional thinking; the enemy within)
And we have to learn to escape the narcissist.
Spot on K!
Our own worst enemy was ourselves.
But not anymore!
Soon to be sparkling!
Oops! If you ever want to look up your comments, you have to type “narcsite” into the google bar first.
narcsite Soon to be sparkling! lovely zone
Thankyou K! Though, I won’t use that.
Anything past is past now and I have no desire to ever reread how I felt in those times. Because I know I wouldn’t just read it, I would be able to feel it too. No way!
It’s all forward from here. 🙂
Soon to be sparkling!
Huzzah! Onwards and upwards.
Someone apparently hoping you felt stupid or ugly during sex is not someone you need to talk to, whether your ex or another jackhole.
I’ve never posted on any narc page except this one, but I’ve surfed a few in the past. Given the fact that (outside of friendly banter about hairstyles or the occasional wandering narc who thinks he/she can muscle in on HG’s territory), we see comments here on coping with real-life problems with controlling partners, pseudo-friends, belittling bosses, etc., the group you mention doesn’t pass the smell test. Someone’s trying to feed off your misery, whether former or current, and we all know what that means.
Accurate.
It does please me when my readers work things out using what I have taught them.
Your lessons have provided a number of booster shots. Recently watched a rerun of an SVU episode in which the accused represents himself. His cross-examination of one victim grows increasingly sadistic, questions like was she humiliated, did it hurt, did she feel helpless, etc. He’s been looking like he might be acquitted or even have the case thrown out of course due to insufficient evidence, but at this point, even the horrified jury can see he’s a sick fuck.
The first time I saw it, I thought, “Now who’s that stupid, he’d show the whole court what a sadistic perv he is when he’s on trial for being a sadistic perv?”
I saw the rerun after reading here for a while, and this time I thought, “It’s not all about getting his sexual jollies. Fuel. He’s running low, especially if he’s been incarcerated while awaiting trial. If he were higher-functionng, he’d postpone the refill at least long enough to fake normal in front of a jury and keep his freedom to seek new victims, but he needs fuel Right Now, so he’s torpedoing his own case to get it.”
I wonder if even the scriptwriters knew what they had wrought.
It doesn’t matter now, if it was or it wasn’t him. I realise this morning, that I don’t care either way.
I’m only offended that I tried to be there for someone who was f*cking with me and I don’t appreciate it.
But I can take the reminder that the world is full of malicious people and just think on it as sad and pathetic.
I’m just chalking it up to a big error and a damn good lesson.
It’s also an eye opener as months ago, I would have fallen to pieces over it, convinced myself it was him and stewed and cried and then I would have reached out to him.
Not now though! No way in hell. I feel zero want or need to persue it and only annoyed now that it could have potentially ruined my night out. Which is didn’t so it’s, no harm, no foul.
That’s definitely progress and moving on! 🙂
Hi Soon to be Sparkling, I think it is a mistake to reveal so much personal information about yourself (including your feelings and vulnerabilities, perhaps especially these) to a virtual, an actual stranger in the way and in the context you have described. It is not safe, you do not know who you are messaging with. This person looked to take the convo “off site” (fb group). That looks a bit like one salami slice at a time, lack of boundary recognition, entitlement for starters. It is safe here at Narcsite because we know that H.G. moderates all the comments and understands the implications of taking discussions off site. H.G. also monitors this place for Narcs, and I am certain that if any of us suspected that one of our very own Narcs was trying to find us here in the comments and interact we could email H.G. with our concern and he would investigate. H.G. would in all probability pick up on the Narc’s presence way before us anyway.
Given, the person you refer to messaged you on facebook and if I understand right is a fellow member of some facebook narc support site, but you are not obliged to then carry out a detailed digital conversation away from the structure (be that as it may) of that group. When you leave the group, it can be like leaving the building for a break? which is absolutely your right to do. FB messenger is a bit like someone knocking on your door, and in this case it is someone to whom you have already said ‘no I don’t want to add you, I don’t want you in here and I have explained why”.
Well stated, AnneB.
It was an error. She said she was anxious and seemed to be suffering and I didn’t want her to feel alone.
My mistake. We want to help anyone who needs it, but we have to help ourselves first and listen to that inner voice.
On a positive note, my instincts did kick in and normally I would just ignore them as I didnt have trust in myself. But I did hear myself and called it out. This is new for me and definitely a good thing.
This is the second time I have felt concerned over FB and there won’t be a third time.
They are even arranging a lunch for people to have a support group and it’s just down the road from me. But I’m out! Seems like it could be opening up a hunting ground for more bulls*it.
I do agree that HG keeps us safe!
Thanks HG! That’s why you’re so appreciated and well respected.
STBS
It can easily happen as we are wired to help when asked. The comments here were not meant to berate you, they were only of concern that you protect yourself from it happening again. Facebook is a devil’s playground of unknowns. Oddly, you are safer here where THE Devil makes it patently clear what he is and offers the unvarnished truth.
Oh no NarcAngel, I didn’t feel berated in any way. Never took any comment that way, for even a moment.
I’m so thankful for every single comment, because no one had to offer any advice or clarity and yet, so many of you guys tried to help.
I really cannot thank you all enough. And I love, absolutely love and adore, that there are so many good people here and out there.
You guys, really, have helped me more than I can ever say. I really do appreciate all of you.
You’re right of course, at least our 😈 Devil tells us the truth. Who else is there to listen to other than the one that actually tells it like it is. No sugar coating. No cotton wool. Just hard facts that feel completely true.
No complaints here, but an awful lot of thanks.
Devious minds think alike, NarcAngel. I just compared HG to Screwtape before I read your comment.
Regardless of whether it was him, STBS, you broke No Contact by talking about him.
No Contact ensures that you will not experience this kind of anxiety.
Correct.
Thankyou Lisk.
I didn’t realise that no contact meant not talking about them.
It makes sense though!
Thankyou 🤗
My pleasure, STBS!
P.S. Is there anything that HG writes or says that does NOT make sense??!!
Thank you so much Lisk 🤗
I think I understand it all, but I missed the part that we shouldn’t share any of our experience to others. I certainly don’t do it with anyone I know. I just never could.
But a stranger who was suffering too? Yes, that slipped right past me. I just felt no hesitation until I “felt” that warning inside.
It’s clear now, as I have seen the impact of lending a hand. These just aren’t normal people or normal circumstances afterall.
I’m sure for someone who doesn’t know about N’s, it is understandable to jump right in to help. But I DO know and I should have known better.
I feel like I understand most of his works and they all speak to me, but I missed this one. I suppose I won’t know if I’ve missed anything else unless a similar situation comes to light.
I sure do hope there is nothing else I’ve misunderstood, because I can’t take much more reading on this subject. I’ve read almost all of HG’s books and I’ve read a dozen more from others, and listened to lots of audio books too. I replaced my addiction to the narc to learning and I think that if I read everything I can, then I won’t miss a beat.
And yet, here I am, because I missed a beat!
Back to Amazon!
STBS,
Please see my other comment about Mastery.
Lisk, I’ll try to find it.