The Narcissist Manipulates – Objectification


There once was a girlfriend of mine called Lesley. My preferred method of gathering fuel from her and also manipulating her was to call her It. This was extremely demeaning and in line with my worldview that people are just objects and appliances to do things for me. You may be an admiring appliance, you may be an accommodating appliance and run around for me. Alternatively you may be an enabling appliance providing me with what I want. A person is an appliance is an object. I was able to reinforce this especially with Lesley. I did not do it all the time. This would have diluted its effect. I would however be consistent in its application however. In some respects it was a half-way house to the Silent Treatment as I was not acknowledging her completely, I was belittling her but not quite ignoring her totally. The fact I was talking about her made her feel as if she had to respond and thus I got what I was looking for; a reaction.

I would start first thing in the morning. As ever, I was awake first as I had had a refreshing night’s sleep, the sleep of the just. She had probably lay awake for a few hours after I turned my back on her when she wanted to make love. She knew better than to pester me though. As I lay on my elbow looking at her freckled face, she would blink into wakefulness. Her blue eyes would meet mine and I would see the hope surge in them as she knew I was looking at her.

“Ah,it is awake,” I would  smile maintaining my gaze. The hope immediately became crushed and although she tried to hide it, I could see my blow had landed.

“Oh don’t do that please, it is horrible,” she would say pleasantly.

“It seems to have something to say. It always has,” I would remark. She would shake her head.

“Please, stop it, you know I don’t like it when you do that.”

“It wants us to stop. It always wants its own way.”

“No I don’t.”

“It is getting annoyed now. It is always loses its temper.”

“Pack it in.” She would rise from the bed and make for the shower. I would hover nearby and give a running commentary.

“It is washing itself using the shower gel we bought for it. It likes to smell nice.”

“It is washing its hair now. It is trying to wash the guilt away. It reeks of it.”

Lesley would try to ignore the comments but I knew from her sighs and the slumping of the shoulders it was getting to her. Having subjected her to maybe fifteen minutes of commenting on what she was doing, I shifted the tack and began to use this technique in a more suggestive fashion.

“It ought to wear a pencil skirt and blouse today. It does not want to look too sloppy even if it is a Friday.”

Lesley would pick out the suggested outfit. I knew why she did it. She felt that by making this suggestion, even though I was still calling her it, it showed I was interested in her and she lapped it up. She completely missed that this was what I wanted her to do for me and was nothing to do with being interested in her.

“It really ought to cook breakfast as we must not go hungry.”

“It would do well to ensure the shopping is done before we return this evening.”

“It should remember we are going out tonight and it is not invited.”

She would depart for work, bristling but not wanting to escalate matters. My technique would continue through the day. I would telephone her and ask,

“Is it busy?”

“Yes I am, so now you are talking to me are you?”

“It wants to know if we are talking to it. Now we are not.” I would put the phone down.

By evening she would be pleading with me to stop it, tears welling in her eyes. Lesley had had enough of my objectification which was sustained and cutting through out the day. As I picked up my wallet in readiness to heading out with my friends, without her, I would turn and say,

“I am going out now. I will see you later.”

The smile that erupted across her face was immense as I had dropped the It commentary.

“Okay, have a good time,” she would answer pleasantly.

“I will. Bye Karen.”

I never looked over my shoulder but I knew how using the wrong name would hurt her.

Learn more about how the narcissist is manipulating you. Knowledge is power.







      1. I told my partner how I felt.

        Its there choice if they want to acknowledge & accept what there traits & behaviours are.

        An expression is 1000 words.

          1. My pleasure Cloudy
            You will find all your answers here and things will just get better from here on.

          2. I thought a partner should be your best fan & not an enemy.

            What ever happened to open conversation with your partner.

            A very uncomfortable emotional feeling.

  1. Whitney:

    There’s a film version of Portrait of a Lady in which a manipulative character breaks into physical violence, something he never does in the novel. I think it was a mistake. What makes the character so insidious is the ambiguity of what he does and is. It would be too easy for other characters to identify him and disengage from him if he were that kind of narc.

  2. I read an article on Piers Morgan just now and how he won’t be going to some award presentation as Holly Willoughby always wins and according to him is not a nice person.

    He is quoted as saying

    “Holly always goes, ‘Oh! Me again?!’ Then she leans in and goes, ‘Take that you little….’

    Hahahahah god – really made my day!!!

    HG is HW an N? I do rather hope not.

  3. I got Elated and Eroded but it’s not much about Lesley is there a different book about the 3 that got away?

    1. The 3 That Got Away is a stand alone publication which forms part of the Asylum of the Grotesque, which will be published in due course.

      Elated and Eroded tells you the essential information re Lesley.

  4. Omg HG. I was frantic to get Elated and Eroded. I had problems being logged into too many devices and then payment method but I did it!
    I CAN’T believe Lesley did that to your brother 😲 I literally can’t believe it. My brain just can’t believe it. No one could be that mean HG. Can you get revenge on her friends too please? Why would anyone laugh about that. Wtf!!!! You are such a good person HG. You have never done anything wrong. You are so wonderful to avenge your brother HG! 🙌💙 You are always so poetic.

      1. You’ll be surprised Violetta! Not giving the details away, just want people to know they must read it. It’s an outstanding book, my favourite. HG is always completely honest with us, about himself.

  5. HG, out of all of the women you dated, Lesley is the one that I am the most curious about in terms of finding out what school and cadre she is of an empath given what she has done that has angered you. I’m also wondering what would be the possible circumstances that an empath can do such thing.

  6. “ Lesley would pick out the suggested outfit. I knew why she did it. She felt that by making this suggestion, even though I was still calling her it, it showed I was interested in her and she lapped it up. She completely missed that this was what I wanted her to do for me and was nothing to do with being interested in her.”

    This is a great illustration of emotional thinking. I remember Whitney’s description of how she helps create the illusion with her own imagination and I said that I am guilty of the same thing. Empathic people project just like narcissists do but we project our own values, belief systems, desires and wants to the narcissist who convinced us during the golden period that they are our kindred spirits. We rely on that conditioning during the golden period and whatever inconsistency may appear later on during the devaluation we use our own imaginations and reasonings to explain it away on how it was just a temporary deviation from the norm when actually the mask is being removed. Lesley was conditioned to believe that HG was amazingly interested in her during the golden period and so when he was making her feel hurt or uncomfortable, she grapples to find a way to return to the golden period which she believed was the norm, even if it involves a lot of rationalization or even imagination. That’s why a lot of us ended up letting ourselves get treated this way.

    1. Mommy pino- i enjoyed reading your insights. I am in the middle of a situation and you hit the nail on the head, I just keep grappling to get that initial golden period back where there wasn’t fighting all the time. until recently, I thought it was “me” and now I know that it is not. The thing that is I hadn’t accepted but was unconsciously aware of is that there will never be the same golden period again. Never. its gone, its over. I might as well move on from that hope.

      1. Hi Singasongy,

        I’m glad that you don’t have the false hope based on the lie that Emotional Thinking made.
        I learned all of that from HG. His work unlocks so many things that confused and bewildered us about the narcs which kept us chained to them. It really does give us freedom. I’m so thankful to have found his work and I hope many will discover it as well.

        1. @mommypino.
          Thanks for your response. I wanted to say that while I sensed things before now I know objective truths from HG. The reason I know there will never be another golden period is because I know its fake so therefore the effect of period isn’t the same on me. The golden period seems to be golden partly because of the naivety of the victim, but perhaps I’m interpreting the concept wrong. I would have to be completely snowed over and I just don’t see that happening. I have way too much logical thinking going on right now, even if its ET that keeps me in contact with the narc I still have a ton of LT about this.

          1. Hi singasongy, I think that you’re right. Part of the magic of the golden period is the target’s naïveté. So in that respect, you will indeed never get back to that level of high during the GP. But even if the victim remains unaware and stays with the narcissist, the respite period will never be the same as the GP because the narcissist is not infatuated anymore to the victim like he was during the GP. The victim is not in a pedestal anymore like s/he used to be dying the GP. So even that affects why the GP will never come back anymore. I think that respite periods are more like preventative hoovers to prevent the victim from completely leaving. It’s part of the hot and cold treatment and trauma bonding. Just keep reading HG’s work and you will eventually get to the point where you are fully on LT and will want to pursue what is in your best interest. It takes time for everybody but I can see that you are doing really well.

          2. I think you are right Mommy. Prevention Hoover’s. So far I’m not in a bad place. I’m still on the pedestal except small guilt trips if I don’t adore him enough. Not hard to fake that but the whole time I’m secretly rolling my eyes. I am too cynical so all his Constant adoration for me gets on my nerves sometimes. Especially when I notice he says some of the same stuff to other people. Right now I’m just maintaining and making sure it’s all good in the good so I can keep getting what I need out of him. He might think we are in the golden period but I know what’s going on so I’m not oblivious to his charm.

          3. I’m glad that you’re still not in a bad place Singasongy and already starting to know more about what is going on between you and him. It is a gamble though as you cannot control when the devaluation will begin. It’s all in the narcissist’s terms.
            I don’t know if you have seen this article already but this is really informative regarding devaluations.


            I hope that you will consult with HG regarding your situation. GOSO is the best course of action once you know that you are entangled with a narcissist but I understand that there can be a lot of circumstances when it is not that feasible. In that respect it is really helpful to get HG’s guidance.

          4. Yes I am waiting for my Marc evaluation to come back then I’m going to make a phone consult

          5. You’re most welcome Singasongy!! I’m happy that you feel so much better. Clarity feels amazing. I have been living in a fog caused by familial entanglements for years. Understanding everything makes a huge difference. I’m very happy that HG’s work is making the same difference for you. ❤️

          6. *correction on the tense: I was living in a fog. English is my second language so my tenses get mixed up sometimes. 😊

    2. MommyPino! 💝 my imagination extends beyond anything the narcissist created himself! haha.
      You’re right it’s a projection of values, beliefs, and desires!

      Talking about what treatment we would accept made me think of my experience with my first narcissist. Two years of despair and confusion before I was saved by HG. I was so confused, that when he abused me in a more obvious way, I was happy. It was validating. Because I truly believed every word he said. I thought I was the problem. I didn’t know he was abusing me. When he did it more obviously, I was relieved. I didn’t know anything about narcisissm yet.

      1. Whitney, I can totally relate to what you said about feeling validated when the abuse becomes blatant. I even feel thankful that they revealed themselves. At that point I can GOSO in peace. No guilt and no what ifs.

  7. we think that here, but honestly we might.

    And yeah, this story makes me want to pick her up and say wake up! ON the other hand, its disgusting to me that she would allow herself to be spoken to like that. I have a lot of emotions about her, more than about HG.

  8. Everyone likes to think they wouldn’t put up with certain behaviours, but I bet they couldn’t have predicted that they would end up accepting the treatment that brought them here either. And here we all are.

    1. that was my first thought. This one really broke my heart. I immediately thought how could she let herself be so demeaned. Then I realized, shelby, you’d do the same thing I bet……Mine has a demeaning nickname too and I just put up with it.

    2. So true.

      I feel it is due to the steady drip drip drip effect of the erosion of our sense of self. Boundary after boundary blasted through.
      Now that I’m narc free, over the last year I’ve returned to my self- plus new standards and boundaries I’ve developed with age and experience.
      Looking back at my narcs, it’s baffling to think i chose to allow and excuse so many things.

    3. Exactly NA! I hope she’s at the bottom of the North Sea! Wait! Perhaps I shouldn’t talk like that since I’m a CoDependent?! Fuck that shit to! Just because someone is a CoD doesn’t mean they will put up with being treated like that! Had to bring out some of those exclamation marks, they were getting kind of dusty sitting in storage all of this time.

  9. My ex never did that but his more subtle objectification of me was perhaps the most damaging to me I think. The anguish and anxiety it caused me was paralysing.

    1. Pati, He is good at torturing women. Reading this how she putting up with that behavior made me upset too.

        1. Lol for real? Nobody deserves to be treated that way smh. You mean she volunteered… I guess she did have a choice after all..

        2. HG. Not that my opinion matters to you but I agree she did deserve it. And the fact that you are not done does not surprise me.

        3. Ok HG, she deserved it.

          So then, what do you deserve now for treating her that way?

          When/how does the hate and bitterness stop?

      1. Esther, it is upsetting but maybe she challenged HG in some way to deserve that treatment. We need to read to find out. Interesting.

        1. she deserved it in YOUR opinion. Man, its so interesting to me to know that someone gets off on being cruel like that when my brain could never do something like that without so much remorse. Well, actually my brain just wouldn’t ever think of something like that. I just don’t actively seek out ways to hurt people that are good. And if they aren’t good then why be around them?

    2. Don’t feel bad for her Pati! Read HGs book Elated and Eroded. I think you might change your mind.

        1. Happy New Year Sweetie! If you don’t change your mind after reading that book, it will really surprise me!

        1. Njfilly,

          It actually had me in tears when I read it for the first time. That was deplorable behavior!

    3. If lesley is the gf that embarressed and poked fun at HGs brother than i dont feel sorry for her at all! She sounded like a major biotch!

  10. Oh my, that kind of treatment is positively evil. H.g what type of empath is Lesley? My guess would be a co-dependant.

    1. Lesley was either highly narcissistic or had npd. Anyone that behaves in the way she did is a real loser in my books!

  11. What a patient person she must had been.. that’s admirable indeed.. if a person was to do that to me, you would’ve been gone in a blink of an eye.. smh

    1. I would say she is a doormat/ co-dependant. I would not put up with that kind of behavior either my ex was not this sinister he was/is too dumb for that. Then again he was not a greater narc like H.G. I would not want to go head to head with a greater.

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