Why Has The Narcissist Gone Back?

WHY HAS THE NARCISSIST GONE BACK

Think back to that glorious time when you were courted by the narcissist who ensnared you. Amidst the delight and excitement of that powerful and dizzying seduction there is a good chance that mention was made of his or her ex. That person was the devil incarnate weren’t they? They were an abuser, a drunk, an addict, a gold-digger, a gambler, never worked, a sponger, never helped around the house, never helped with the children, bad-tempered, unsociable, awkward, played video games all day and so on. No doubt your narcissist’s ex was one or more of those things. They were smeared to you from the off.

“He is just plain evil.”

“She is utterly bat shit crazy.”

“You won’t want to meet her; she is a fruit loop.”

“He is violent and nasty. Charming on the outside but horrible on the inside.”

A hundred different ways to ensure that you thought ill of the predecessor ex and more highly of us. Praise for having broken free, sympathy for what we endured, encouragement for being with you. The fuel flowed as we recounted tale after tale of terrible treatment. All of this was told after we had jettisoned this person as we embedded you into our world.

It may even have been the case that you commenced an affair with us. We admitted we were married, lived with somebody or in a relationship but a combination of our charismatic magnetism and the tales of woe about how our partner was horrible and abusive meant that you saw somebody wonderful in need of your love and you felt no real concerns at interfering in our relationship. After all, how many times did we tell you that we never had sex with them anymore, that we did not even share a bed, how we were only together for the sake of the children and a hundred other reasons that are given to entice you and reassure you that it is you we want. We may well have even left our partner to be with you. You triumphed. Good overcame evil as you ensured that we had the support, courage and determination to escape their horrible treatment of us. You had us to yourself and the golden period could truly commence.

Sometime later, it might be weeks, it could be months and possibly even years, something strange happened.

We went back.

You were unceremoniously dropped and we returned to the arms of the ex-partner once again. How could this be so? How could we return to someone so horrible, so abusive, so evil? How could we go back to this person about whom we told you so many stories of their abusive behaviour and ugly character? How could we return after you rescued us from them? How could we do this after everything you have done for us? Whereas the ex was horrible, you were delightful, the ex did not care, you never stopped caring and where the ex was cruel, you were wonderful. You helped us through the separation and you shielded us when the savage ex came after us, blaming you for breaking a happy (ha!) marriage up. You heard their protestations that you turned their partner’s head, whispered lies about them so as to turn their partner against the ex. You remember how astonished you were at the time that someone would have the audacity to behave in such an abusive manner and then accuse you of doing the things that they engaged in. This ex was just as we described wasn’t she? Manipulative, vicious and blaming everybody else but herself. Just as we had warned you, she behaved exactly to type. She even accused us of certain things but you did not believe them because we had already forewarned you that this was something she would do. Try to make you think that we were the abusive one in order to deflect attention from what she was really like. How on earth could we go back to this liar, this cheat, this abuser, this evil and horrible person? It just made no sense.

In some instances, you received no answer. Our number had changed. We moved back in with this person at a place you don’t know. We blocked you on social media, those friends you thought you had made in our circles shunned you or just told you to accept that these things happen and to move on. But you cannot. You cannot fathom out why someone could do this. Firstly, why return to an abuser? Secondly, why drop someone wonderful like you who we had professed a real and perfect love for? Nothing made sense anymore.

You might have been able to confront us to try and find out why on earth we have behaved in this way. You may have been given a sole opportunity to state your case and to find out why we have done this and left you devastated. You will have been told things such as: –

“I knew that I really did love them. You helped me realise that and for that you have my gratitude.”

“She promised to change and I thought she deserved that chance.”

“I did it for the sake of the children rather than my own happiness.”

“We had been together for twenty years. I realised I could not do that to her.”

You will have argued against these comments. You will have tried to persuade us in order to get us back again. No doubt you said things to each of the above comments, like these: –

You don’t love her. How can you love someone who has abused you for such a long time? You have done the hard bit, getting away from her. You cannot go back.”

 

“She won’t change. Why would she? You said it yourself she has promised this before and nothing has happened.”

 

“If you did the right thing for your children you would not expose them to such a toxic atmosphere as the one you described between you and her.”

 

“She has you under complete control. You don’t know anything other than her abusive ways and you have accepted them. You don’t have to do that. I can help you.”

Your desperate and well-intentioned pleas and reasoning failed. The reason why is because when we said each of the comments above, this is what we really meant.

“I knew that I really did love her. You helped me realise that and for that you have my gratitude.”

“You weren’t the fuel I thought you would be and I realised the fuel I would get from going back and hoovering my ex and seeking another chance would outweigh what you were giving me and it worked. But don’t worry. I am not going to get rid of you just yet. I have organised a wonderful triangulation for me, you and her that will carry on through the reconciliation. It will be like we are having an affair (having an affair again). How exciting. How fuel-laden”

“She promised to change and I thought she deserved that chance.”

“I promised to change. That hoovered her back in. It always does and she fell for it and that fuel is better than yours.”

“I did it for the sake of the children rather than my own happiness.”

“I saw some cracks in the façade and realised that people actually might turn against me. I need that façade so I have to sacrifice you instead. You won’t realise this but I have told her, our families and friends that you are a stalker and you were trying to blackmail me. They understand. The façade is intact. You are expendable.”

 

“We had been together for twenty years. I realised I could not do that to her.”

“I know her inside out and I know that no matter how many times I do this she will always take me back and give me powerful hoover fuel. I know I told you that you were the only one I have left her for. That wasn’t true. You are nothing special. I have done it many times before and I will do it again. I might do it again with you if you are foolish enough to give me another chance. It is all good fuel.”

If you are reeling from the stunning revelation that we have returned to the ex that was labelled as horrible and abusive. If you are unable to comprehend why we would do this, I understand. I understand that it truly makes no sense when looked at from your perspective. The reality is however they were never abusive. I am the abuser. I used you as I used my partner in order to get fuel. I projected my behaviours onto them and you lapped it all up, giving me positive fuel and negative fuel from her as I triangulated you with her. I may not have gone back, but the quality of the hoover fuel and the ease by which I can achieve it makes it irresistible. I will come back to you again and you will let me because you have tasted the golden period. You still believe she is the bitch and the two of you will fight over me blaming one another rather than realise that I am to the blame. I planned it. I orchestrated it. I am the puppet master.

12 thoughts on “Why Has The Narcissist Gone Back?

  1. Lamb says:

    Not me, Cyn, and K,

    Thank you for your comments.
    Yes, it has become torturous, but it hasn’t always been THIS way. This time feels much different , which is why I think he’s actually thinking about a final discard after 30 fecking years.
    He recently shocked me with a brutal rage incident. It was over nothing really, but he was screaming at me, and the look in his eyes made him look possessed. That was followed by a silent treatment.
    There must’ve been a disengagement trigger, but for the life of me I have no idea what it was ! Perhaps not stroking his huge ego enough. I think his aging has a lot to do with it . He’s losing his looks now , he also feels he should have a more accomplished career than he has. Funny, but if wasn’t a selfish narc I believe he would have gone a lot further in his career.
    Almost feels like he’s having a late term midlife crisis on steroids .
    I fit the profile for the anchor, but I believe that even anchors get thrown overboard too, even after long term marriages ?? Am I correct?

    1. K says:

      My pleasure Lamb
      Based on your comments, you are still engaged and you are correct; you could be thrown overboard even after 30 years. Check out the links below and see if they answer some of your questions.

      HG Tudor
      AUGUST 3, 2018 AT 11:08
      When there is a disengagement trigger then that is the time when this must happen.

      https://narcsite.com/2018/05/10/the-5-reasons-the-narcissist-devalues-you/

      https://narcsite.com/2019/07/22/why-does-the-narcissist-blow-hot-and-cold-part-one-6/

      https://narcsite.com/2017/10/12/the-ageing-narcissist-part-two/comment-page-1/

      1. Lambsickofhisshit says:

        K,

        Thank you. The first and second links resonate the most , especially the second link.
        His blowing hot and cold right now is driving me insane.
        I’m giving him a bit of payback now , using some manipulation tactics on him myself, saying/doing/telling him things that I know throws him off balance, and makes him paranoid. His reactions to it are priceless. Caught off guard, not knowing what to say , vomiting word salad from his mouth. Then I smile, or laugh and walk away. All the while thinking “ how do YOU like it , ASSHOLE?!”
        Most of the time he’s got me upset and trying to figure out what the fuck he’s doing, now sometimes I’ve got him thinking the same about me.

        1. K says:

          My pleasure Lambsickofhisshit
          Hahahaha…I love the name change! One and two are very good and I am happy to read that you found them helpful.

          Ok, it looks like you are stuck with him for now. Try deploying some of the tactics in Empath Riposte Grenades and there are 11 phrases in Contrariwise; flip them and use them against him and the same goes for 5 Phrases Used to Blameshift and don’t forget, you can always deploy a Silent Treatment, as well.

          He will switch manipulations; let me know how it goes, if you don’t mind.

          https://narcsite.com/2017/10/15/the-empaths-riposte-grenades-2/

          https://narcsite.com/2017/03/09/contrariwise-3/

          https://narcsite.com/2018/05/12/5-phrases-the-narcissist-uses-to-blameshift/

  2. Cyn says:

    @Lamb what’s really unfortunate is that after all this time you are not allowing yourself to have the life you could. Of course you would have to use the HG’s assistance in proceeding with the divorce and it’s no piece of cake believe me, I did it not knowing narc 1 was a narc. But 30 years of that with your narc I would be in the grave. He has stayed with you because you are an anchor for him and why let go?

  3. Notme! says:

    Your situation sounds torturous and intolerable Lamb. Narcissists see all appliances as objects, some are more useful, effective objects than others of course. Best wishes x

  4. Lamb says:

    Adding because I cannot edit previous comment;
    He chose to marry me over this DLS decades ago. I feel like she feels now she is in a position to “ win” . She has been vicious with commentary about me to him, a woman she’s never met.
    I can’t decide if she is encouraging my narc to leave me ( yet again) so she can have him , or if she intends to dump him right after, effectively annihilating myself and my narc at the same time . Killing two birds with one stone.
    She is a horrid human being. I suspect she’s a narc herself.

    1. Violetta says:

      Let them have each other. If they’re both narcs, they deserve it.
      He wants to be fought over, like he’s a damsel in distress and you’re two randy knights? Um, no.

  5. Lamb says:

    This is playing out now in my life with narc. A old DLS who’s been around for years, once again narc cries the victim blues to her.
    I don’t quite understand why he’s stayed with me for 3 decades if I’m as awful as he portrays me to be. I don’t understand how the DLS could buy into listening to the same load of shite ( for years) he tells her about me , and not think well maybe he’s lying about her, why else would he stay so long with her?
    He has never physically left me, he knows I would never take him back if he did.
    I suspect that he fears having his facade as a family man destroyed at the top of his list for staying. He would lose his entire family, and he knows it.
    If it boils down to fuel, the fuel he gets from me , and other family members, as well as the community because he portrays himself to be the family man , my fuel is better than the DLS . All she has to offer is herself, and her ego stroking. Nothing else. She could never provide the prime aims.
    She’s desperate, that much I know.
    The games played by my narc are exhausting. One minute he’s kind , next minute pure malice and rage.
    I am tired.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Lamb
      Tired enough to leave? Or do you want to remain the “winner”?

      1. Lamb says:

        NA,
        I realise I cannot live like this forever.
        I don’t feel as though I’ve won anything. My narc , some “ prize” alright!
        I don’t do competition with other women, never have, never will.
        If my narc told me tomorrow about his DLS , I’d tell him to GTFO. I will never beg or plead . You don’t want to be here , then go.
        I am using this time to decrease my ET , and get prepared in other ways before the inevitable happens. I want to “ fall on my feet “ so to speak.
        In hindsight I should have prepared years ago, in my heart I knew he’d never change.

    2. K says:

      Lamb
      He has stayed with your for 3 decades because there has been no disengagement trigger. The Anchor is located in the article: The Four Classes and that might be helpful to read.

      HG Tudor says:
      June 15, 2017 at 11:12
      The anchor represents stability and it can be the case that the anchor is regarded as the Madonna, in the Madonna/Whore complex. The anchor, when viewed white, is also an excellent provider to the Prime Aims.

      https://narcsite.com/2017/09/18/five-reasons-we-disengage/

      https://narcsite.com/2017/06/14/the-four-classes-3/comment-page-1/

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