Charity Ends At Home

CHARITY ENDS AT HOME

How many times during your dance with the narcissist did you dread your home that you shared looming into view as you drove towards it or the taxi neared it? How many times did you sit wishing that you were still out and away from its dark, hulking menace as you fumbled for your house keys? How many times did you endure that drive back to the house with us at the wheel as the once vibrant conversation slowly dried up and a heavy, foreboding silence engulfed the interior of the vehicle. Can you feel that knotted sensation in your stomach again as you see our silhouette at the window where we have been evidently keeping watch for your return? The sickness rising in your chest as you see the door slowly open and left ajar, beckoning you inside but we do not stand there waiting to greet you as we foreshadow what awaits you.

It seems that it is only you that suffers this treatment in your own home. It is meant to be a place of sanctuary a place where the toils and troubles of the world outside your window are meant to halt at the door. It should be a place where you feel warm, loved and safe. Goodness knows you have attempted to instil these things in your home as you have worked hard to make it a pleasant and inviting environment, a place to relax and be yourself. Unfortunately, with us you succeeded too well in respect of that last part. Visitors to your home are always warmly greeted by us, cheeks kissed and hands shaken, a firm pat on the back as words of welcome are aired. We act the perfect host, accommodating guests, never hurrying them to leave, always offering a further drink. Of course you play your role as we order you about so you are the one organising the food and relaying the drinks, but it is done in a warm and appreciative manner which belies the reality of our standing over you. You pour the wine into the four glasses as you reflect on how this is the third set you have to buy this year and you are only in May as once the guests have disappeared into the night those glasses are thrown to the floor to shatter as some minor and entirely inconsequential transgression on your part is seized on and becomes the platform for a bout of intimidating fury. How quickly the host becomes the beast once the audience has departed. So many times you have insisted on our guests staying longer and on some occasions offered the spare room in order to keep what invariably follows at bay. Sometimes you have managed to stretch out their attendance until we have nodded off, infused with alcohol and a hearty meal which has enabled you to say good bye to our guests as we have snoozed as you prefer nor to wake the beast in two senses of the word. You tiptoe past us only pausing, ever the caring person, to place a blanket over us as you then quietly head for bed relieved to avoid one of those scenes.

When your taxi halts outside after you have managed to escape the house for a rare night out and you pay the driver, eyes flitting back and forth from that ajar door, the gateway to hell that has yawned open and is beckoning you in, your despair and apprehension rises. The outside world has no comprehension of what goes on between those walls. To everyone else you appear a content couple, enjoying a good lifestyle. Our carefully constructed façade ensures that we are afforded the recognition and status that our kind is entitled to. We ensure that everyone else knows us to be capable, successful, entertaining and personable. That is the reason we receive so many invitations to drinks receptions, dinner, evenings out and prestigious balls. You know that you must never decline them for attendance is mandatory to allow us to walk amongst our people and shine, drinking deep of their admiring fuel. We give speeches at charitable functions and announce a healthy donation as we maintain the gloss of decency and respectableness whilst kicking you under the table so that you smile to all who are looking our way. Our greatness is acknowledged by all in our community and the maintenance of this façade is hugely important to us and not something we can allow to be pierced or destroyed.

Yet all of the charm, the apparent generosity (those donations never come from our pocket but from those of a business we belong to our others we have persuaded to sponsor the event but we of course always take the credit) and the warmth evaporates once the threshold to our house has been crossed. At times, as we have driven away from an event, you have wanted to open the car door and jump out and run away down the road away from the impending horror which you know is waiting for you. You recognise the signs. There is the reduction and eventual extinguishing of conversation after we have muttered some terse criticism of you. You know better than to try to argue back. The drive seems to take an age and you can feel our churning fury as you sit beside us in the passenger seat. As we round the corner and the house comes into view you want to pass out, you want to be removed from the situation but you know you cannot. You walk with heavy footsteps towards that door. We always enter before you and leave it open, in the same way we do when you have gone out without us. It is a clear signal. You are entering our domain now and you will answer for your failure to smile at one of our jokes, or the fact you spent twenty minutes talking to someone else rather than stand laughing and supporting me amongst my coterie. You did not fill up my glass and attended to someone else rather than me. You wolfed down your starter which lacked elegance and decorum. You failed to make a bid during the charity auction. You went to the toilet during a speech. You rolled your eyes at one of my golden anecdotes (having heard it a hundred times before). The list of transgressions, both real and imagined, is long and we will always find something that you have done incorrectly during our time away from the house and once returned you will be punished as we unleash one of our manipulative tools from our devil’s toolkit in order to devalue you. We hope you might argue back and unleash some anger, but more often than not as we push the front door closed with a click and move towards you it is the upset and tears that flow. As our shadow falls over you, already your eyes are welling with tears as you know what will come behind that closed door. The charitable largesse we ladle out to the world at large always ends at home.

75 thoughts on “Charity Ends At Home

  1. Kristin says:

    This post validated my situation and was just what the doctor ordered. Congratulations are in order as I live with the poster child demonstrated in this post and in Dammed if you do, Damned if you don’t! I am actually a bit embarrassed to share examples of how my narc husband carries on but if it helps someone else then it is worth it. I know that reading past posts to which I can relate has helped me a great deal.

    I am married to a ULN who is an attorney and a former airborne, army ranger, you just can’t make this stuff up. My home is not a sanctuary and I walk around with a knot in my stomach whispering “you fucker” under my breath. We entertain on a regular basis and this provides an opportunity for him to show his true colors but no one is fooled, not even his closest friends. They actually stand up for me in front of him which makes me feel better but when they all leave, I will be remined of how I smile and talk to everyone else more than him.

    We run a business on the side, what I do is specialized and he cannot run it without me. We have a huge shipment coming in which means that I have many hours of work ahead of me. He keeps reminding me of this and I see the evil look of satisfaction in his eyes because he thinks he has control over me and my time. I have been working on various projects with another artist recently and it has given me a break and allowed me to do what I love. Although he claims to support whatever I want to do, it is never without snide comments. I worked all day Friday and was worn out when I got home. Since I am his primary source for fuel, this was denied him until I got home and he started right as I walked in the door. It is so childlike and obvious now that I know what he is but it still did not stop the thoughts of revenge and anger that flooded my head. I work hard and rarely complain but had to repeating myself, saying that I was tired when he kept coming at me. Because he had not gotten his usual dose he turned on me saying that I am a whiner and he is tired of hearing me complain. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, right HG?

    He is hard of hearing and if I speak normally, I am asked how I can do that to someone who is “deaf.” When he gets physical with me and I protest, he puts his hand over my mouth and asks me why I am so loud. He does all of this to protect his image from our 16yo daughter. She sees him for what he is and calls him out on his behavior (victim, hypocrite, gas lighter, etc.) She is very smart and, to my knowledge, does not know that he is a narc, but knows enough to see that something is seriously wrong with him.

    Finally, I feel as though I should end this with one more asinine example of an ULN. He has needed a haircut for a while and intentionally styles his hair so he looks like an idiot and then asks me if he needs a haircut. (Read 12 yo old boy desperate for fuel and attention.) Today I did not answer him and was asked why I am such a miserable bitch all the time. He said he wished his dick was longer because he would dick slap me. Not my problem that he has the curse of the Irish (his words but at least he isn’t in denial.) I should not be shocked at what comes out of his mouth at this point but it did make me pause. I then almost laughed because he is seen as intelligent and very successful, which he is, but I see the sick side of him. Some days I would gladly opt for a lobotomy.

    My mother is my biggest support and now a big fan of HG but I do not tell her everything because it worries her so this is the only place I can vent. I have to plan, save up money etc. in addition to doing what is best for my children before I can leave. I feel I am well armed because I have purchased co-parenting with a narc and the divorce package, among many others.

    I fear looking like a sycophant but am going to say it anyway. HG wants to be the foremost expert and best in the world regarding narcissists and I believe he has achieved this. You have taught me well in such a short time HG. I have seen bad advice given on other sites but I am always brought back to your knowledge and logic as being the best, so, once again, thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Not a sycophant, Kristin, but the recognition of expertise.

      1. Kristin says:

        Well put HG!

    2. WhoCares says:

      Kristin,

      As uncomfortable as that is to read (it sends me back in time for myself) I am glad you put it out there.
      It is a combination of predictable, painful, ridiculous, and obvious once you see through their machinations.

      I know you are planning ahead – and that’s good – but I am chomping at the bit for you to get out of there.

      And just think: once you’re out and entertain even the slightest thought of what it might be like to go back, you can always re-read this post and remind yourself of his transparent and absurd behaviour towards the end!

      1. Kristin says:

        WhoCares,
        Thank you for your support, it means so much. I save comments such as these and I go back and read them when I am in a bad place. Perhaps I should save a few of my own as a reminder when I have my doubts about leaving. I am in a fog much of the time and block out a lot of what he does because my brain can only hold so much!

        Sending blessings and hugs your way ❤️

        1. WhoCares says:

          Kristin,

          Hugs to you too.
          I am excited for you to *be* and *feel* free of the fog – and that only truly happens with physical separation from the narc…and time.

          1. Kristin says:

            That is good to know WhoCares and it gives me hope. The thought of leaving seems insurmountable and more than my mind can handle. I’m taking it one day at a time and keep focusing on all that HG has to offer and that’s a step forward. Thank you so much!

    3. Lorelei says:

      Kristin—they are idiots. You are really in better shape than you think. You sound functional and your thoughts are cohesive. I had allowed the salami slicing to destroy that capacity, so was really behind the eight ball and it took many months to get some cognitive function up to par. Be grateful for this—it’s a strength. I had gotten to the point of collapse which was the disengagement trigger so was quite unwell. You are absorbing information quickly and sound energetic enough to still be pissed off. That is not a bad thing. I am embarrassed by what was bizarre behavior at the time but I now understand it. But that I allowed it and just kept living it. If he walked in my house today I would have him removed with not a word spoken. No second thought and if anyone ever spoke one ounce of the bullshit he said to me now, I may trip them over a steep hill. I am also quite grateful to be here. My mother was familiar with HG’s work as well, although I did not speak of his work much after the summer as her capacity was diminishing. She had a peaceful resolution to what she probably perceived as my having come through a rough experience. It’s a shame my father salami sliced the hell out of her for 45 years. I wish he would have died much sooner for all of our sakes. There was no point in ever telling her what he was. He was a very disordered individual.

      1. Hope says:

        Lorelei–

        “I may trip them over a steep hill.”–LOL, LOL, LOL. You have quite the wit! I would dare say you may have an IQ above 70?! Lol. I never could have come up with that one.

        1. Lorelei says:

          Let me put it this way.. If a tree falls over in a forest and no one is there does it make a sound?

          1. Violetta says:

            Take the narc to visit Bolton Strid. Don’t tell him why. Don’t name the place so he could look it up: you’re going for a walk in the country.
            Walk his hindquarters off. Mentionn that your feet are so hot and tired and you’d love to wade for a bit, but it’s probably too cold and there might be sharp pebbles at the bottom, so it’s probably not a great idea, maybe next time, hadn’t we be better getting on?

      2. WhoCares says:

        Lorelei,

        I am sorry that you reached that level, or should I say depth, of cognitive disorientation and happy you found your way out.

        “I am embarrassed by what was bizarre behavior at the time but I now understand it. But that I allowed it and just kept living it.”

        It was incredible, towards the end of my entanglement, the small desperate measures my narcissist took without any real care for the damage to his facade. It was the stuff he did that encroached upon others around us and the very tenuous hold I had on my ability to keep working and earn an income. He could not see the irrational and dangerous side to his behaviour and potential repercussions of it – it is evident that there is no insight once they reach this level of behaviour to elicit a few drops of fuel. If anyone still believes that their narc has insight into his/her own behaviour has yet to witness them suffering a fuel shortage.

        1. WhoCares says:

          I should say *chronic fuel shortages

        2. Lorelei says:

          Whocares—excellent insight re, how desperately they act and the evidence of no insight. I stayed because I thought the kids had to have two parents, the addiction made it less bizarre in addition to being acclimated to nonsense, and family pressure. It was just a perfect storm. Being divorced with kids seemed like an awful thing.

          1. Violetta says:

            It’s nice to have two parents, but when one is dysfunctional, you don’t have two parents. You may not even have a complete one, because the functioning one deteriorates.

          2. WhoCares says:

            This is an excellent point Violetta.

          3. Lorelei says:

            Correct Violetta. There was nothing I was capable of for a long time. In fact, an incredibly long and slow decline. I spoke to a friend about it and she pinned down noticing that even before my son was born that I was on the way out. I agree. It was simmering not long after the relationship started, and was well underway even during the wedding planning—it just wasn’t visible externally yet. By the time he left I was a shell. It’s almost like a leach that sucks the blood from a host. It’s that slow and constant. The host runs out of blood & collapses. The nature of narcissism is so oblivious for its owner that they can’t see what their behavior does. I couldn’t see. The kids were functioning in a random manner. I think HG has written how the decline tends to manifest for each group of empaths. It was very slow. I think had there been identifiable respite periods I’d have recouped but he nearly punched me in the face daily. Whocares wrote somewhere how desperate they become and how pathetic it really is too—they’ll do anything to us or anyone for fuel. He was basically pissing on a tree stump (me) trying to get me to move and I just couldn’t. We were both not getting anywhere. Had he provided respites or occasional reasonable behavior I would have not collapsed because I’d have caught my breath, but I couldn’t. Ever. The final year I put on weight very quickly and I attribute to the alcohol mainly. I slept nearly around the clock as well. I recall knowing something was very wrong and that it was him. But what I couldn’t pinpoint. I think the cognitive dimming was so strong I couldn’t process the situation at all. I imagine that had he not left I would have become unable to work. That was all I barely could do but I had to because he wasted all of his money. In one more year I’d have ended up in far worse shape. The kids were on their own for years.

          4. WhoCares says:

            Lorelei,

            “I recall knowing something was very wrong and that it was him. But what I couldn’t pinpoint. I think the cognitive dimming was so strong I couldn’t process the situation at all.”

            I concur.
            Even at the end when I knew something was deeply wrong; I couldn’t fathom a way out – through lack of cognition and the lack of ability to focus my energy on any given solution. When it came down to it and I was forced to ask for help, a friend stated: we knew something was wrong but you wouldn’t tell us.
            I said to her “I think I have been in crisis mode for a long time but just couldn’t see it.”

          5. Lorelei says:

            Hi Whocares—my cognitive dimming as I referred to it was a slow slow process. It was quite confusing. I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t process things—it was bizarre. Same—friends now say they were also just not putting it together in any way that made sense. The girl that used to clean my house nailed exactly when the visible decompensation occurred. She was close enough to me to watch the before/during/now.. With my first spouse the devaluation was triggered by something so the shift in his behavior to intolerable was rapid. It was difficult, but easier to disengage from. I challenge all the judgement oriented types to say they would not tolerate what I tolerated. First, from a social and economic perspective I felt I had to make it work. Family pressure—look a certain way—kids in certain schools, two parents.. It was also so very sneakily slow. Of course not overnight! I don’t give a damn how super and fabulous a woman proclaims she is or will be in adversity—it’s undeniable that we also think we (or I was) are serving a greater good by staying together for intact families when it is a value system. It’s a flawed one when there is abuse, but I didn’t know. Had no clue and became so ill I would not have processed it.

          6. WhoCares says:

            Lorelei,

            “Being divorced with kids seemed like an awful thing.”

            Agreed. It was never my goal to be a single parent but it also never a (conscious) goal to end up in an abusive relationship dynamic.

            I inevitably ended up at a crossroads and it became only one direction lead to certain death.

          7. Lorelei says:

            Agree. To be honest—I’m on top of a hill in the man made snow with the kids having a blast right now. No asshole in tow. It’s marvelous. And I got to wear cute snow boots..

          8. WhoCares says:

            Awesome Lorelei – I actually just came back from a sledding hill topped with real snow, haha, to a
            narc- free, peaceful home.

          9. WhoCares says:

            …became *apparent only one direction lead to certain death.

            *Sigh* – my english is failing me this evening.

      3. Kristin says:

        Lorelei,
        I hate that you got to the point of collapse, it is painful to read, but you are such a strong woman, look where you are now. I suppose when we hit rock bottom it is only up from there. Your story gives me so much courage regarding my future and escaping.

        I love that your mom was also familiar with HG’s work. I believe that her perception of you coming out of a horrible situation was a blessing. You were wise to not tell her what your dad was because it would have most likely been too much for her to absorb. 45 years is a very long time and I cannot imagine the pain his behavior caused. Thankfully he is gone and God willing knowing what he was will bring you some peace. Of course, we all know that this is a long and often painful process of healing ourselves and learning all that we can about narcs abuse and the damage that ensues.
        Thank you for sharing, as always, I gain more understanding and hope from reading your comments. xx

        1. Lorelei says:

          Kristin—a gift that cant be replicated was my mother sensing some peace for sure.

    4. Hope says:

      Wow! I am so sorry! I used to wonder about those type of guys at work. I used to feel terrible thinking what a horrible time it must be for the wife and kids at home. I used to wonder, maybe they are only this way at work? Maybe they have to get it out of their system at work so they can be civil at home? Maybe they have no idea what a monster this person really is? Your sentiments resolved that. Now I know it never ends. I can’t imagine! Thank you for sharing. Everything you write is so well thought out and well intentioned. I can see how pure of heart and soul you are through all the posts of yours I read. You are a blessing to everyone you meet. You are so strong! Thank you again for sharing your journey with us. You and your daughter are in my prayers.

      1. Kristin says:

        Hope,
        Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. 😘 I will admit that I doubted myself all night long after I revealed so much of my situation. I feel bad at times for being so forthright about the narc and what he does, it seems so two faced, but the validation from you and others has made me feel so much better. Once I start pouring out my heart I cannot stop but am always reminded that this is the place in which to do so.

        My narc is also a prick at work especially when he is in negotiations and he always speaks his mind, often inappropriately. He gets off on the shock factor and heaven forbid someone challenges him because he goes at them with a vengeance. Despite this, his colleagues still respect him perpetuating his facade.

        Hugs to you Hope!

    5. FYC says:

      Kristin, You are doing a great job in planning and persevering and I am so glad you have the support of your mother and daughter. Continue to save and prepare and execute your escape in accordance with your own timing. We are all here pulling for you and yours to be free of your Ns abuse.

      As for your comment on perceptions of being a sycophant, I have heard this word used far too often regarding HG’s supporters. It is almost exclusively used by Ns and other jealous parties since they do not experience such strong support and gratitude. In Ancient Greece, “sykophantēs” meant “slanderer,” and you’ll note that the broad majority of HG’s supporters are not falsely stating anything. Today’s connotation of sycophant is more of the brown-nosing/boot licking/ass kissing variety. Yet for this usage to be accurate, one must desire/seek to gain favor of some kind. Again, aside from the Ns that occasionally visit this site, I do not see this occurring either.

      What I see, and have experienced myself, is praise springing forth out of gratitude. Sincere gratitude for finding the only source of knowledge, insight and advice that proves to be life-changing in so many ways. Beyond our recognition of the accuracy and breadth of understanding that HG’s work so consistently provides regarding Ns, there is also substantial gratitude for finding the only source that understands the E side of the equation. Without this very critical and necessary piece of the puzzle, N abuse survivors would find escape and prevention difficult if not impossible.

      So, yes, for those of us who have endured significant and repeated N abuse, it is only natural for us to honestly and enthusiastically praise HG’s work significantly and repeatedly. It is that simple. So feel free to speak your truth and express your feelings. They are yours to honor and no one else’s to shame.

      1. WhoCares says:

        Well spoken, FYC.

        1. FYC says:

          Thank you, WC, very kind of you.

      2. Kristin says:

        Thank you FYC for your continued support and kind words. I appreciate the time you took to explain “sycophants” and your experience as well.
        It is praise springing out of gratitude, 100%. After encountering so many years of narc abuse, it is only natural to sing the praises of HG and his work. I am eternally grateful and want others to know what an impact he has had on me. Empaths are nurturers, healers and continually give of ourselves to others. I, for one, am extremely touched when anyone shows me acts of kindness and offers support. Narc abuse takes its toll but HG has provided answers to my many questions, the tools needed to cope, and the understanding regarding myself and narcs. You wrote it much more elegantly, but I completely agree with you. My gratitude comes from my heart because, without HG and his knowledge, I would be lost. I hope you doing well my dear. 🤗

  2. fox says:

    I saw a small glimpse of this in my friend (I will call him R) when I visited him and slept on his couch. R had been a perfect host the whole day and we had a blast touring his town. By chance, another mutual friend (we’ll call him T) and his wife were also in town. We met up with them at a bar and we chatted. T and his partner were professional dancers and knew a hidden swing dance club and beckoned us to join them. R seemed delighted at the idea so we went with them. R bought drinks for everyone but me and as he handed them out he remarked to me “You should have gotten here faster.” He still bought me a drink though. Then T dragged me out onto the dance floor and proceeded to teach me how to swing dance. We laughed as I clumsily followed his lead. I could see R in the corner, sipping his drink and looking bored or annoyed. When the song was done I asked R if he wanted to dance and he said “No.” very tersely, and shortly after was a blur as he rushed goodbyes and grabbed my hand to literally drag me out to our ride share and ushered me into the car. On our way back to his place he sat in silence, so I chatted with the driver. When we returned to his condo R marched up the stairs leaving me behind, and as I approached his front door I saw him enter his bedroom and slam the door shut without so much as a good night. That night on his condo couch was incredibly cold, and I didn’t understand why until the next morning. The next morning I realized he had opened his balcony door a crack to let the cold winter air in.

    I asked R about it and he laughed and said “Sorry” but never explained why it was open. I was pretty sure it had been closed earlier that day. I dismissed it as accidental. We had breakfast and he seemed in better spirits so I brushed it all off and we carried on with the weekend.

    It was so baffling then but looking back with my shiny “Tudorglasses” on it makes much more sense. And if that’s what I saw as a visiting friend, I can’t imagine what his girlfriend goes through now. I am thankful to have run across HG’s work so that I can recognize these behaviors for what they are and stay clear. :)

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Those Tudorglasses are lifesavers, Fox.

  3. Renarde says:

    I HATED the second house we bought. Hated it . His laziness REALLY came to the forefront there. But by then, we had a child. Our second was conceived there.

    I did all of the conveyancing on both. All. Oh yes, he could pick up a standard removal box filled with my books. He said; 1 x 1 x 1 m^.3. Wood. True. Pity he didnt have any books himself.

    I’m angry about the useless Empath twat hes now picked up. My breathren. Is she SO dumb that she CANNOT see who she has coupled with? Guess not. Her degree in ‘herbs’ will stand her in good stead. Pity she couldn’t her post grad qualified in Physics or a FRAS like yours truly. But fair play, she is nowhere near my level. How can I hold another to account when I spent 18 years with him?

    Her mother is kind though. Her husband is a useless waste of space. Always watch people who are ‘caretakers.’. Shonky as fuck.

    So, who is he? Hes an UMRN. Somatic with psychopathic tendencies. HGs words. NDC. That is both hilarious and disturbing in equal measure. It’s funny because hes far more qualified than me, should be a C or E…but he struggled to get it. Disturbing because he has the ability to kill. Disturbing because he has my children.

    Doesnt matter that he assaulted me, raped me. Obsessed with porn etc. The ONLY thing that matters is that he will destroy my children. And her. I want to scoop all three of them up. Rescue them. Maybe I will? I hope so.

    I urge people to do the NDC. It’s a life changer. I consulted HG on two occasions this past few weeks. I CANNOT put into words the sheer relief I have found from both. Because, like many, I assumed both of these characters were aware. They were not. I am aware. I am an empath but a decidedly weird one. And yes, I will be doing the most important consult. What kind of Empath am I?

    1. WhoCares says:

      Renarde,

      I had been wondering about your situation but sometimes hesitate to ask – especially re: the kids.
      It is helpful isn’t it to get the definitive answer whether it’s the narc detector or empath detector – it gives you a base to work from regarding our own behaviour and that of the narc. It puts a lot of things into perspective.

      I also have been meaning to say: cute pic of you!

      1. Renarde says:

        WhoCares

        Thank you for thinking of me. Bless you x

        As K said a while ago, I’m a narc magnet. I always will be.

        I dont know if you caught it but in the last fortnight, I consulted HG on my situation.

        Big ex is a UMS. Last ex is a MME. Two middles. Albeight ranging in my own mind to the top end. Am I a Narc? I dont think I am otherwise I wouldnt be in the mess I am now in.

        I will be doing the EDC. I need to know.

        You are a love. Thank you x

        1. WhoCares says:

          Renarde,

          First off: there is no doubt that you are an empath and I am sure your ED results will be interesting and intriguing for you. Mine were to me and I am seeing how all the aspects of my mix of traits interact together and in reaction to other people.

          Narc Magnet! Tell me about it…after reading HG’s “Achieving NoFuC” with regard to my current narc – I ended up cataloguing past interactions and I am pretty certain that every male that had a passing interest in me was a narcissist! From being triangulated on the play ground, and stalker type behaviour from another during a summer recreation program to being hit upon and shelved by the hunky somatic DJ guy at grade 8 graduation.

          It is really frustrating knowing that the normal/empathic guys are in there….somewhere…but how did they stand a chance? And even if they did they likey suffered from a fear of rejection etc., at the out start.
          Sorry for the rant Renarde – I knew back then that this narc invasiveness and stalker-type behaviour was unwelcome and a turn off….but, why, as a adult did I have to fall for one who came across as mild-mannered and unassuming – only to stalk my life after it’s all over?!

          Anyway, it is no use crying over spilled milk but the patterns are definitely there.

          Take care Renarde, ❤️and share your ED results (when you get them) if you feel inclined.

          1. Renarde says:

            WhoCares

            Rant away my lovely! Rant.

            Thank you for having the kindness to respond and reassure. I’m so tired of having the one thing I loathe about humanity thrown back at me.

            HG, EDC coming your way. Then iill share on here and we can all have a laugh.

            Like you, WC, I’m pretty sure ALL of my partners are narcs. I make that a total of over a dozen. All shapes and flavours of schools and cadres excepting the Greaters. Plus one psychopath. 18 years. He didnt behave like an atypical Middle. The NDC pointed to detachment. Also, he wasnt a coward. No way. When his fury exploded, it could be brutal. Devastating. A big man. Who knew how to handle himself. It only ever became violent, really, after I said I was leaving him.

            I totally here you on normal and empathic men. I suspect they are scared of me. Possibly you too.

            That really hurts because they have EVERY chance. Every. But now I cant risk it. If I am an Empath then I will just continue to pick up narcs.

            I do hope my exs new wife is continuing to stalk me. That she reads this because she has to GOSO and NC. Before she looses her reasoning,cher sanity and possibly her life. It’s that serious.

            You have said im an Empath. HG allowed me to access the AAF, I believe I am an Empath. That means he has NPD and he will destroy her.

            Thank you WC. If only we could meet, I’m sure we’d have tales to tell!

            X

          2. WhoCares says:

            Renarde,

            “I totally here you on normal and empathic men. I suspect they are scared of me. Possibly you too.”

            This made me laugh.
            I am pretty sure I am not putting out a vibe for anyone these days – certainly not intentionally. But given my internal reaction to when I think I have spied a empathic/normal member of the male species – which is to simultaneously peer at them, scrutinize their every word and movement and while asking myself: are you real? Do you exist? Haha – I am thinking I cannot hide the fact of the internal awkwardness of the moment and that in itself is probably enough to scare them off.

            Yes, the telling of tales in person would be most fun, I’m sure!

          3. Renarde says:

            WC

            I know, logically, these men must exist. I refuse to believe all males are narcs. That would be so misandrist.

            I enjoy, deeply enjoy sex. But right now, my legs are so firmly shut together. I can squirt and have multiple orgasms with the best of them. I had that. Many females haven’t so I was very blessed.

            No more. I do not care. HG has just posted an article about PUA. How fucking DESPERATE must a person be to engage in this lacklustre activity?

            Maybe, one day, we will covertly meet!

          4. WhoCares says:

            Renarde,

            On the subject of PUAs – I can’t believe it is such an occurrence that
            it requires a specific article on Narcsite – very concerning.

            I hear you on the subject of physical relations and agree with the wisdom of instituting personal boundaries – if at least in the interim.

            Problem is, male energy is nice. Really nice.

          5. Renarde says:

            WhoCares

            It is. Male energy is very nice.

            On the back of HGs article and my own experiences on the train, I called a UK national radio. I explained what I had read, both from HG and the Press. I explained what I had witnessed. I then went on to explain that the PUA left, I approached her. The young lady and warned her. Not to give out her number. She was kind but blithely unconcerned.

            I told the a DJ on a call in program. They both (him and sidekick) rounded on me and told me I was controlling. How is it controlling to do a good dead and warn others? Isnt that what as a society we are told to do? Have a care? Gove others the use if our knowledge and experience?

            I am controlling? No. Because narcs operate from a position of ganing something over others. I did not give her my details, I performed an utterly selfless act.

            Then I was castigated for it. On national radio.

            That shock jock is a Lee. On air, he trashed my professional reputation. He had to, he had to make out I was useless. But he didnt think so when I talked in my other capacity as a sex educator. He could not stand me talking about NPD. No wonder.

            It took a few days but I complained. Recieved an almost instant message back from the head of that team. She mentioned the Jeremy Kyle incident. I reassured her I was ok but distressed.

            Sp what happened? Precisely fuck all. That station ignored me. Then, unforgivablely over Xmas, he found me and either he or a member of his team trolled me on SM.

            Thats beyond. Utterly unforgivable. That considering what I’ve dealt with that little semi-episonlic moron would come after me for simply speaking the truth.

            May I name him, HG?

          6. HG Tudor says:

            No.

          7. WhoCares says:

            Wow Renarde, I am so sorry that that was the reaction to you speaking out and drawing attention to this matter. That is quite extreme: trolling you on social media.

          8. Renarde says:

            WC

            Thankyou. I really appreciate your response. I am also very badly hurt by HGs response.

            He could have sygercoated it. Said no but these are my reasons.

            I stuck my neck out that day on the radio. Because I believed in what he had told me. Now I dont know what to believe. I truly dont. I’m really broken this evening. I cant even cry. I feel that numb.

            Two NDCs. My whole life unravelled. I dreamt of my daughter today. I’ll never see her again.

            I just dont know what to say

          9. WhoCares says:

            I am sorry Renarde.
            Speaking out can be a double edged sword, not necessarily fair but a definite reality; we draw attention to ourselves.

            At least HG gives us a voice here.

            Sometimes it is about choosing our battles. Or choosing the right ones – once we are acting from a position of strength.

            “Two NDCs. My whole life unravelled. I dreamt of my daughter today. I’ll never see her again.”

            Admittedly, this is a super difficult point of your story, I am sure – but it isn’t the last chapter. You’re too feisty and too much a bright, shiny star to let it rest there.

            Strength and hugs to you, Renarde. ❤️

          10. Renarde says:

            WC

            How can I thank you? For reaching out?

            Picking your battles. Yes. Absolutely. I find myself utterly torn between wanting to help others and having a quiet life.

            HG does give us a voice here but I’m still vexed at him. He can be too cold at times.

            Thankyou again for your kind words. I really appreciate them.

          11. WhoCares says:

            Renarde – I am only just putting two and two together now. You were talking about a relationship a while back and had high hopes for it – I assume that one of the NDCs was for him…an MMRN you said?
            That would be very discouraging and recent too. The emotionality is understandable – in addition to the stress of not having your children.
            Please be kind to yourself & big hugs 💙

          12. Renarde says:

            WC

            It was. I couldn’t cope with not knowing. I was on unbelievable tenterhooks waiting for the information to come in. Not HGs fault as he is a busy guy but it’s still my life.

          13. Hope says:

            My guess is he is trying to protect this environment for you. You may have to isolate completely if you are discovered here through the link to speaking of him and the nature of him when word travels back.

            I agree is frustrating to hear no without explanation.

          14. Violetta says:

            Don’t be hurt, Renarde, we all know the rules.

            If the sonofabitch tries to track you down, do you think HG wants him to be able to use this blog?

          15. Renarde says:

            Violetta

            Just seen your comment re ‘hunting down’

            I dont know actually. I think hed have done it by now if that was the case? Unless HG knows different, I would strongly suggest he hasn’t.

            I get the Lesser vibe. He gets too ‘het up’ when challenged. Way too angry. He is enabled by his side kick who is far more clever than him and just winds him up. But subtly. Hes already on a knife edge. Nothing to do with me.

            He likes sex. And is way to desperate to talk about it. So he isnt getting it. Pity.

            My favourite trick with him, which I’ve pulled twice, is not to respond. Dead air on radio is, as you know, completely wrong. I so love it when he gives me that time and I do not respond. Priceless. Hes even gone over the news before now.

          16. Renarde says:

            Hope

            Not recieved your notification.

            I know that HG is protecting the blog and quite right. Is he protecting me? I honestly think its just the blog.

            Will this shock jock come on here? Nah. Too chicken, I’d say. He would be way too obvious and hes already on thin ice.

            It’s possible that hes sought me out, looked at me, got incredibly angry when he realised I’d made a fool of him. But if he is a Lee, he would not have the energy to properly come after me unless he had a fuelled, malicious obsession.

            In which case, let him fucking try.

            #hfapprovedexwifeofpsycopath

          17. Violetta says:

            Renarde:

            Protecting the blog is quite compatible with protecting us.

            Suppose some jackhole does use the blog to track someone down. Pretty soon there’s a public outcry: “our Emma would still be alive if it weren’t for that HG Tudor fellow.” Next thing they’re shutting down the blog and taking the vids off YouTube; there goes HG’s legacy and our resource.

            What HG is doing falls under enlightened self-interest; of course he’s thinking of himself, but it happens to be to our advantage too.

        2. Renarde, i hope you dont mind me saying – you are sounding very triggered. You did a good deed and i think the response or something else has flicked a switch inside of you, like it does. The same has happened to me in the past, i think it brings up the old stuff and maybe some unhealed stuff. Take a few steps back and remember how you got out of ET and the anxiety it brings in the past. Take a couple of steps back and go forward slowly again. You are strong, you are one of the strongest people whose comments i read on here. I recently posted one of HGs posts on my facebook and the response from some people was hard to not be triggered by. Plus the ones who understood, responded to me in a private message. It’s tough going above the parapet, but you did the right thing, just a shite and over the top response from someone else has thrown you back. Just remember how strong you were last time to shed a narcissist, she’s still in there. X

          1. Renarde says:

            Intrepid Traveller

            Again, another lovely commentator who has taken time out of their day to think of me.

            Yes, massively triggered. It’s very NOT OK to be happy to talk about sex. And it’s not OK for me to be able to NOT talk about NPD. Both of these strands define me as a person.

            You dont get to choose how I am brilliant. You simply dont. I am brilliant when I choose to be. Of a topic that I’ve chosen. Whether it is Physics, Asyronomy, Astrophysics, BDSM, sex or Ladybird Books. How DARE someone attempt to pose their stance on me?

            Conversations can be brilliant. But they really only fall into the remit of the Cerebrals and the Elites. A conversation can be manipulated. Very easily. Over and over again I would drag the MME back to topic. It was very easy to see him go off on one.

            This tendency lessened with time. It pretty much stopped actually because it ceased to work. It was a manipulation.

            So HG rightly said, no, you cannot name him. If I were him I’d have said the same thing. Its potential libellous. Even though I’m speaking the truth and therefore CANNOT commit libel, he cannot take that chance. Just in case. Oh, apart from the Family Court, this is another area of the law I know something about.

            So, this DJ has got form. I’m not the first and I even witnessed him tearing a new one into an older gentleman. On air. In point of fact, hes incredibly dangerous. He will kill someone. Someday.

            But thank you for your very kind words. They mean so much. X

          2. Violetta says:

            Renarde:

            I think HG has been very careful, where public figures are concerned, not to give any information that couldn’t be obtained by anyone with access to media. I don’t mean his analysis, of course, but the events he analyzes: this royal said X, that Hollywood type said Y, and so on. Putting the facts together and highlighting the patterns are his individual stamp, but if he has privileged information that could be traced back to any particular source, he’s not giving it here.

            We may decry HG’s cruel treatment of girlfriends or childhood playmates (I won’t say co-workers, because Gillian had it coming and it was a pleasure to read about that phony patronizing bitch finally getting it), but nobody’s going to accuse him of being dense. Stupid he is not.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Correct.

  4. Dorion says:

    This is one of the saddest stories about a relationship with a narcissist that I have read on this blog, including fro the commenters. Not having one’s home as a peaceful sanctuary due to someone else and much more, dreading to be there, feeling uncomfortable all the time… that is no way to live. I feel tremendous admiration for anyone who can handle that for any length of time because I know I couldn’t. I don’t even like minor disruptions and intrusions in my home and never really enjoyed living with other people, even if I loved them dearly and whatever relationship we have. Even living with the most respectful roommates for a while in my youth was awful for me. And none of those people were narcs… I am pretty sure I would even be homeless or go to a homeless shelter (if no other choice) sooner than tolerating those conditions with a narc… just can’t imagine.

    I’ve seen couples who resemble the description in this article in my social circles though and even observing from a distance can make me upset. There is also the type of narc makes sarcastic, humiliating jokes at the expense of their partner all the time – many people do find it funny and think it is innocuous. I do enjoy sarcastic and dark humor, but not the excessive, obviously manipulative kind I sometimes see from those people – it is not only immature but also pretty evil.

  5. Pingback: Charity Ends At Home ⋆ NarcTopia
  6. CandaceMarie says:

    This might be true for a greater or mid ranger but not with a lesser. We never attended fancy parties or had guests over. I didn’t want anyone over as it was embarrassing. But I did dread going home. I can remember countless times I sat in my car after taking my daughter to school. I always had some time before I had to head to work. There was enough time to go home but I chose not to because he was there.
    Then there were the drives home after work I always hated. I never knew what kind of mood he would be in. Also, he thought I wanted to have sex every day after work. If I said no, attitude or silent treatment or both. I am a single working mom, I am too tired to have sex every day. He didn’t understand this or even care.

  7. Violetta says:

    “you will answer for your failure to smile at one of our jokes, or the fact you spent twenty minutes talking to someone else rather than stand laughing and supporting me amongst my coterie. You did not fill up my glass and attended to someone else rather than me.”

    Or else she hovered over him and cramped his style as he tried to mingle. Why can’t she ever let him breathe, clingy woman?

    1. Renarde says:

      Why is your name ‘Violetta’?

      In 2015 for a few months, I was Violetta on Fet.

      I went to the Royal Opera House and watched La Traviata.

      Have you seen it?

      1. Violetta says:

        I have seen the opera, but the name is a reenactor thing. I do Italian Renaissance persona, and violets have been my favorite flower from way back.

        1. Renarde says:

          I thought you were around medieval reanactors?

          I prefer roses.

          1. Violetta says:

            We go from Late Roman up to about 1600, although I’ve seen people sneak in some Cavaliers and Roundheads.

          2. Renarde says:

            Violetta

            Civil War? UK CW? Aren’t you US? We dont reenact your battles. Technically, I’m sure you know this, Early Med runs from 1066 to 1215. I know, I got the splinters in me arse from studying it at A Level.

          3. Violetta says:

            The group I play with started as a medieval costume party when someone was off to join the Peace Corps in the ’60s, so despite the prevalence of Authenticity Fascists, things can be pretty lax (although they do discourage elf ears and vampire fangs, and every now on then you’ll see a bimbo in a chain mail bikini). There’s some genuine research going on, with translations of old cookbooks, recreations of Orchesgraphy dances, brewing hippocras, and scribal hands (which is why I snickered at Meghan Markle’s “calligraphy” in the leaked letter to her father– is that supposed to be Uncial, m’Lady, or Beneventan?), but you’ll see Elizabethan farthingales mingling with Viking kyrtills at events.

            Then there are the joke parties at camp events, like Celtic Margaritas or the Viking Luau (“Come for the Mai-Tais. Stay for the lutefisk!”)

          4. Renarde says:

            Violetta

            Now, im an intelligent and well read woman but fuck! Didnt understand half of that!

            I think we both need a massive infusion of weed. I’ll go first and if you like, I’ll give you a massive rising blow back.

            I used to be good at them.

          5. Violetta says:

            Renarde:
            Gave it up: reminds me of Jr High.

            Short version: my reenactment group has people who are seriously interested in learning leather work, illuminating manuscripts, or the proper way to whack someone over the head with a rattan broadsword, but there are also people who just want to get drunk and hook up.

      2. Violetta says:

        Renarde is the crafty fox in medieval fables. Is that why you picked it?

        1. Renarde says:

          Violetta

          No. But nice x

          My father, PN Was ”The Crafty Fox’. It would be against NS rules to name him. Let’s say his name started with a F.

          He called me, ‘His Little Vixen’. Stunningly inappropriate for a father to fo that, I’d say. I christened myself Renarde. Ren. The Fox. In defiance.

          I’m far smarter than my ex or my Dad. Streets ahead of my brother or mother.

          HG told me a very important lesson. You have overestimated someone’s intelligence. I have. Theirs. Its VERY easy for someone to lie about their intelligence. Do it to an Empath and they will make assumptions. That’s how we operate. We have to or we could never form with them the trauma bond.

          Ren will go soon. I am very well known on a very big board in the UK. My account was deleted and I was booted. Simply for referencing HGs work.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Clearly you were a threat to someone’s sense of control, Renarde.

          2. Renarde says:

            HG

            Aren’t I always?

  8. Lorelei says:

    A woman is in my life—a prominent figure and her husband is the same—he is well known academically throughout the states and there is always evidence of large boulders he pushes and great charitable works etc. I’ve seen him behind closed doors and he’s a miserable prick. She hugged me a few weeks ago and she just didn’t let go. I understand how she lives and I know it without a doubt. She may not really know. I know. The “charity” mentioned is why this situation comes to mind. He gets a ton of admiration (fuel) from his charitable work. It all is driven by her because she is genuine. Funny how it takes his influence to make it happen.

Vent Your Spleen!

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.