The Narcissist and Marriage
Marriage. Widely-regarded as one of the central events in a person’s life. Whether it is a traditional church affair with white wedding dress, a civil ceremony inside a football stadium, something unusual such as at the bottom of a swimming pool, a same sex union, a week long Indian wedding or getting spliced in front of Elvis in Las Vegas, marriage remain a celebration.
It is the idea that two people want to spend the rest of their days together. The concept that this other person is so important to you that you wish to pledge your fidelity, allegiance and your entire self to your significant other before whichever personal god you worship. Notwithstanding the differing ways weddings occur, it remains a joyous occasion and one which many people aspire to, with differing ideas of how the day will look and feel. People seek a happy, long and fulfilling marriage. Sometimes that does not work out, sometimes it does. Our kind are no strangers to marriage, indeed, of those people who marry more than once, our kind are probably well-represented. One might be forgiven for thinking that our kind are particular devotees of the concept of marriage and in some respects, that is correct, but not for reasons people would expect. How do we regard marriage?
- It is a brilliant device for future faking. Those who are love devotees, which includes empathic people, want to marry. They consider the act of union with the person that they love to be hugely significant and a true marker of intent and desire. Our kind utilise the significance that is attributed to marriage as the means by which we can continue to draw people to us and also keep them bound to us, even if we have not married them. The promise of marriage at some future point is a definite ace to play to prevent an appliance from drifting away. Whether this is an IPPS who we live with or a Candidate IPSS we have high hopes for or even a Shelf IPSS who has not (unsurprisingly) worked out what they are, the potential to become married is tempting indeed. The promise of marriage becomes a large comfort crumb to feed to the appliance and involves sentences such as:
“I think we should get married at some point.”
“When I get the next promotion, I think we should consider getting married.”
“We ought to get married next year.”
“When someone is as happy as you and I, we really ought to be married.”
“I often think about what it would be like to be married.” (Not necessarily to you though)
“Can you imagine how great it would be if we got married?”
There is no proposal of marriage, no definite confirmation that this should take place but rather a vague and amorphous intention which can easily be put back when we choose so we can keep using this as a tempting morsel to keep you interested. It does not just have to be about stating an intention to get married but will include:-
a. Looking at engagement rings but never buying one;
b. Considering suitable wedding venues but never booking anything;
c. Discussing honeymoons but not booking anything;
d. Mentioning it to family and friends;
e. Drawing up potential guests lists but never doing anything with them;
f. Considering where to have the wedding list;
g. Considering what items to have on the wedding list;
h. Discussing colours for outfits, flowers, a theme and so forth but making no concrete decisions.
Such is the allure of the idea of getting married that it is probably the largest comfort crumb that can be fed to an appliance and the largest piece of future faking.
2. Marriage is extremely effective at binding an IPPS to us. We want to ensure that person is ours, owned by us and therefore by becoming engaged and getting married within a short time of meeting the IPPS we secure this individual and bind them to us through the institution of marriage. The appliance is made to feel ultra-special by us proposing to them and then marrying them.
3. It reinforces the concept of love which appeals to the empathic love devotee. As the song goes, ‘love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage’. Love and all of its binding abilities, supportive elements and fuelling connotations goes hand in hand with marriage and therefore getting married is seen as a supreme act of love. Accordingly, marriage is always going to prove an excellent move with regards to ensnaring a choice empathic victim.
4. The façade. Being married tells the world that we can attract somebody, that somebody loves us, that we are desirable. It suggests stability and reliability and as such is a useful device for bolstering the façade so we are regarded as respectable and honourable. As Alec Baldwin stated in the film, The Departed
“Marriage is an important part of getting ahead. It lets people know you’re not a homo. A married guy seems more stable. People see the ring, they think “at least somebody can stand the son of a bitch.” Ladies see the ring, they know immediately that you must have some cash, and your cock must work.”
Several elements there which would support the façade and also appeal to our notion of getting ahead, and being seen as desirable.
5. Stability. This is a two pronged matter. The outside world, as mentioned above in the quote, regards a married person as more stable which helps with the façade. It also however helps our kind maintain stability with regards to the provision of fuel. This is especially important for the Lesser and Mid-Range Narcissists who may not have the sophisticated fuel matrices of the Greater. By securing the IPPS in this manner through marriage, the narcissist is gaining the advantage of knowing that there is going to be a reliable source of fuel for some time (both positive and then negative).
6. Religion. Whilst not as important as it once was (witness the rise of civil ceremonies) religion still plays an important part for many people with regard to the concept of marriage and where religion is a fundamental part of the life of the targeted victim, then this is something that we will exploit. Adhering to the religious significance of marriage enables us to use to not only draw a victim to us but also to bind them to us too.
7. The Preparation. Most weddings require considerable preparation. The wedding venue, a reception venue, what food will be served, whether there is a theme, stag and hen parties, guest lists, what will be worn, where people will sit, the wedding list, the wedding vehicles, the entertainment and so on and so forth. This provides us with numerous opportunities for the provision of fuel by repeatedly talking about our forthcoming nuptials, being able to show off in terms of extravagance, settling old scores and creating new ones through those who are invited and those who are not. There is a myriad of possibilities to use this occasion to our advantage when engaging in the preparation. Indeed, the different opportunities for gaining fuel merit an article in itself with regard to the run-up to and the preparation for a wedding.
8. The wedding day. This is one huge fuel fest. So many adoring appliances, jealous appliances, love-lorn and emotional. Everywhere we go, all eyes are on us. Scores of fuel lines running from us to all of these appliances, from the staff waiting on us, the vicar, the bridesmaids, the bride/groom, the guests. The power surge from all of the positive fuel (and there will be some negative fuel in there too – always pays to invite an ex appliance along just to keep things spiced up. My ex-wife repeatedly reminded me how she was surprised to find one of my exes at our wedding. I wasn’t surprised by how much fuel it kept providing me with thereafter). The day is one of fuel from start to finish and whilst everyone else is enjoying themselves through seeing love requited, the flowing alcohol and interesting dancing, we are gorging on the fuel that is flowing.
It is also worth making mention of The Pinnacle Effect. This is one of the interesting consequences of a wedding. Once the marriage has been secured there are those of our kind who find the explosion of fuel to be the best it can be in terms of positive fuel. This is also allied with the fact that the marriage also means that our kind see that the IPPS is totally embedded and ensnared. This results in the Pinnacle Effect. It is not evident with every wedding that occurs between narcissist and victim, indeed it less likely than more likely, but it is still worth mentioning. Once the ceremony has been completed, the reception attended and either the happy couple head off on their honeymoon or retire to their suite that night, The Pinnacle Effect occurs. The positive fuel is as good as it gets, the IPPS is ensnared and thus the devaluation begins. I have heard of numerous occasions where the blushing bride has become the bludgeoned bride or the amorous groom finds himself the alienated groom instead. The devaluation commences through being frozen out, verbally attacked or even physically assaulted.
9. Marriage applies to you and not to us. You have said the vows and we expect and demand you to comply with them. You will be faithful to us, you will look after us in sickness and in health, you will remain with us for better or for worse, for richer or poorer and so forth. You belong to us. That is the central tenet of the Narcissistic Relationship and the sealed nuptials confirms this to be the case. You will abide by these vows and be a reliable, faithful and compliant spouse. Of course with our sense of entitlement, lack of boundary recognition and failure to account, those vows do not apply to us. We will say them but we will not abide by them.
10. Marriage is a useful device. If you transgress in some way, we will hurl your vows at you (regardless of what we have done to offend them) and we will tell all and sundry that you have sullied the sacred name of marriage. We will wail about ‘wanting to make the marriage work’ when we perceive that you may be trying to escape us. We use the concept of marriage as a manipulative device to further our aims. You must be tied to us, you must save the marriage and not walk away from it, it is a yoke about your neck and a means to an end for us.
11. Stickability. The fact that you are married to us and you believe in the concept of marriage means that you are less likely to give up on it. You do not like to fail and you do not want to walk away without having tried to make it work. Binding you to us in this fashion means that we force you to keep trying and to cling on to us, with all the attendant benefits which subscribe to the Prime Aims also.
12. Divorce. If we marry you and we decide or you have the audacity to try to escape then it follows that divorce must take place. It is not a straight forward case of packing a bag and walking away. The fact that marriage requires a divorce if you seek to escape it provides us with further opportunities to draw fuel, bolster the façade and either hoover you back in or make your life a misery by pillorying you through the divorce proceedings.
It is rare to find a narcissist who has not been married and with some of our kind the marriages will number two or more. And why not? The institution of marriage is ripe for exploitation to further our narcissistic agenda.
Little wonder we are so ready to say ‘I do’.
If only you knew this beforehand so you could have said, ‘I do not’.
19 thoughts on “The Narcissist and Marriage”
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I am so happy I never married my ex narc! As much as I thought I loved him I knew marrying him would be a huge mistake. He seemed to be in a hurry to get married. We went to lunch and the whole time he talked about how he wanted to go to the courthouse after and get our marriage license. I stalled for time, even pretended like I didn’t know how to get to the courthouse. I could have easily figured it out. Luckily he gave up since we were out of time.
Hg,
Question,
Do you find it postive to offer your partner 50% of everything and call it quits when deciding to end the marriage partnership?
What would be your expertise view
That is not a question that can be answered without context and considering who is making the proposal. It will vary dependent on whether it is a narcissist making the offer or whether it is a non-narcissist making the offer to a narcissist.
Thank You
Makes sense
The narcissist and marriage.
Aka the Merge and Purge.
NA. Lol
“you wish to pledge your fidelity, allegiance and your entire self to your significant other before whichever personal god you worship”
So um, someone to hear your prayers, someone who’s there?
I miss you HG!
Thank you, you need not do so any longer.
“O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”
We chortled in our joy.
Our fearless leader is back! Yay!
Do Narcissist ever get cold feet at the last minute before the ceremony,and then he disengages through an absent silent treatment?
They do not get cold feet (that is what people think is happening – another example of how such turns of phrase fail to capture what is accurately occurring). The imposition of an absent silent treatment by failing to turn up for the ceremony is about the assertion of control.
All the purpose for control,and no empathy for the family and guests. Try explaining that one .
That was definitely the icing on the Wedding Cake HG.
In terms of divorce, how does a narcissist react when the person enters a new relationship even though, of course, they are already in one? I’ve always wondered that one.
Can you clarify your question? Are you referring to a Narcissist and the Primary Victim who are in a divorce who have divorced? Is the Narcissist with a new person? If they are, is this person the IPPS or an IPSS. If IPPS are they in the Golden Period or in devaluation? When you state “the person” do you mean the Primary Victim is in a new relationship with a new person?
Mr Tudor, I have been following your work for a few weeks – and, as much as it pains me to say it, it is first class – and I don’t think anything else on the market comes close in any way. Thank you for your bravery, no matter what your true motives, for not only making the invisible, visible – but with such piercing honesty.
Only one who has known a narcissist can truly understand your quality writings that hit to the heart of every topic.
I find myself, perhaps more than some, with a wide variety of an extreme body of knowledge of my own (conversely, as an ‘empath’) – due to long term experiences with an ex (who still hovers in my life strongly, despite the relationship ending 15 years ago); two former male line managers; two former co-workers; and I’m only just beginning to realise – that I think one of my siblings is one of the Lessers, although astoundingly I’ve only just recently realised this and wonder if, I attract N’s due to this childhood history.
This article is the one which has finally prompted me to leave a comment – and thank you for creating it.
I understand future fakery of marriage. I lived through it. Would you please consider also writing an article about what plays out if an ex-(appliance), whom the ex N is still in contact with (and thinks they ‘own’ the ex and that the ex ‘belongs to them’) goes on to get married themselves. Then what? Do the hoovers stop, continue, cause a N’ injury? Not bother them in the slightest? Would the ‘appliance’ still be considered ‘property’?
I’d also be interested to read (as I’m sure would others), from your perspective, the extreme differences between N’s who marry, and those who don’t, where long term relationships are concerned.
I understand at a base level that those who do marry will do so because that’s what’s required, but each of these types can still stay for many, many years with one person – even if behind the facade they cheat behind their partners back.
As the Greater Narcissist you say you are, and appear to be – this gives credence for me to say, if not from this post, but future posts, that I look forward to both learning from, sharing nuggets with, and debating with you in due course.
If I didn’t have such history with multiple narcissists, and I met you in real life, I fear I would be one who would have fallen in love with you. Your writing itself is, just with words alone, already seduction enough!
I’m not your ‘typical’ empath. Seduce away.
Whilst I may get close enough in range to be lulled towards the (male) siren on the rocks, I shall be of wit enough to keep out of the danger zone, whilst intellectually, and playfully be close enough to procure some fuel delight of my own – C.D.
Hello CD, thank you for the compliments about my work, I am pleased you find it so insightful and indeed if you have lived it, the quality and accuracy of my work resonates most with you.
1. If an appliance gets married, this wounds the narcissist and the marriage is a fact in the HEC with regards to whether that individual will be hoovered or not, but it is only a factor. It never acts, in itself, as a complete bar to future hoovers as a consequence of our sense of ownership, you always belong to us. You will find some expansion on this in the articles Dirty Empath : Infidelity and Dirty Empath : Marriage Breaker.
2. In short, the reason why a narcissist remains with the IPPS, whether married or not, is because (a) none of the disengagement triggers have occurred or (b) the victim has not escaped.