Spoiler Alert
When I was with Siobhan (an ex girlfriend) her birthday arrived just four weeks after we had begun seeing one another. I took her away for the weekend, bought her a beautiful Tiffany bracelet, organised a huge bouquet to be delivered to the suite where we were staying in our hotel and then took her shopping for a couple of new outfits and some new shoes. She was swept off her feet. Just as I intended.
All part of the golden period and naturally part of the ongoing seduction to ensure that not only was I receiving her positive fuel caused by her delight, admiration and thanks for such a wonderful time, but that she was becoming embedded into my world. All those I meet need to become part of my world, attached to me, fuel lines running from them to me.
This is especially so with the person who is to become my Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”). I need to own that person, I need to draw them into my world, ensure they are completely subsumed within it and thus they will be under my control. I truly want them to succeed because they show such promise, they demonstrate that they have the ability to fulfil the Prime Aims and deliver what is required which in turn will give me the fuel that powers my construct and this illusory world into which this person has been drawn.
When it was her birthday a year later I didn’t give her a present and begrudgingly went for dinner with her that evening. I ensured she paid. I talked down to the waiter and insisted we leave without pudding and subjected her to silence on the drive home. I wanted to spoil her birthday because it was about her and not me.
I hate attention being focussed elsewhere. I can tolerate it during the golden period because it serves my purposes to allow that person to have a wonderful and special birthday because of their positive fuel and the need to embed them, yet when devaluation occurs, there is no need to tolerate this state of affairs and the reality can be unveiled to the bewildered horror of the recipient.
There is no need to maintain the artifice. The person is embedded and if we have chosen the correct victim (and we usually do) they will not be going anywhere fast because they will cling to us in the hope of returning to the golden period.
The victim, who most of the time will be the IPPS (as this is the person who suffers the longest and the worst type of devaluation) has been chosen for their desire to mend things, to understand and try to establish what has changed, what has gone wrong and their need to try to make everything good again.
This creates an almost indefatigable approach by the victim to remaining with us. Nevertheless, when this devaluation is in place, everything has to be spoiled. What once was a wonderful occasion is either not acknowledged or is actively ruined.
Whereas we once praised and complimented something you had achieved, this too is either ignored, put down or belittled in some way.
My nephew told me he had come first in his school’s 100m race. I told him I ran a faster time than him when I was at school. A colleague showed me his new watch. I told him I had one which was similar but mine was better. You’ve got tickets for a performance tonight? I went last week and it was rubbish. You recommend a new Mexican restaurant that has just opened? I tell you that it is attracting the attention of environmental health. Bought a new car? I don’t like the colour and criticise its miles per gallon ratio.
The thing is that these comments often just spill from our mouths (especially with the Lesser and the Mid-Range) before we even have a chance to think. It is an instinctive response which is designed to make you give us negative fuel, to assert our control over you and to emphasise our superiority.
Whenever the spotlight is shining elsewhere I need to smash it and train a new one on me. Sometimes the needs of the façade will mean that control has to be exerted so that the training of the spotlight occurs in a way where was outshine you as opposed to necessarily denigrating you, but the effect is the same. You cannot have the spotlight on you, it has to be on us.
If you have an important function you want to attend, I will pick a fight with you before you go and then text you incessantly whilst you are at it so you do not enjoy it. I have to ruin it for you. I cannot control this urge.
Sam (an ex girlfriend) loved to garden. She would spend hours at the weekend tending her beds. I would call round during the week when she was not there and take a strimmer to her plants. As the stalks and stems were obliterated I could feel myself feeling better as I envisaged her dismay at returning home and seeing her garden having been hacked at.
That Thought Fuel was welcomed and of course I would ensure that I just happened to call around later that evening to find her either sobbing at the destruction or raging at the carnage that had been caused. Witnessing her reaction to my spoiling behaviour of course provided me with significant fuel which was potent and edifying.
I have to cut people down. The urge to destroy, denigrate,criticise and belittle is overwhelming.
I have to spoil. There is no hope for an alternative because the need to keep people in their place, maintain my own superiority and also to create the contrast for the provision of potent negative fuel is overwhelming.
45 thoughts on “Spoiler Alert”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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HG,
Do all Narcs do this to all types of Intimate Partners? I was 100% always love bombed on birthdays and holidays.
It depends on whether you are the IPPS or IPSS, whether you are in the golden period or devaluation, it also depends on how long the relationship lasted. If your relationship was only a year and your birthday was in the early part of the year as was the holiday(s) then it is unsurprising that you were love bombed (benign manipulation). It does not mean that every birthday will be terrible, but often it does for the reasons explained in Danger : 50 Things You Should Not Do With A Narcissist.
Ok, thank you. I was DLS for 6 years and relished every birthday. That’s when I got the best gifts.
You are welcome. Now you have clarified further, such treatment of you as DLS is unsurprising.
Hg …I have read quite a bit and yes you tell a lot of your behaviors . A lot more than other people . Yes you tell of cunning and clever acts too . But I’m referring to the hands on destruction of the IPPS property ….or family property. the plants , perhaps punched walls , or kicked in doors , or Fires ? Have you started any fires ?
Maybe you won’t allow this comment . I remember asking about fires in the past, and all you said was …..”yes, there were fires?” I know it’s your right to decide what you care to tell . But , I think it’s really helpful when you tell of the hands on destruction of property . And, yes I realize this is mainly lessers behavior and you have more intellect , planning and Your fury is contained because of your large social network to quell the fury , and repair the wounds .
You will read about the pyromania in due course. Patience.
Ok ! Excited!
Brilliant, cannot wait.
I know a few lessers and they are all obsessed with fire-raising. x
Is the urge to criticize , destroy , and power over connected to a hard on too ? I ask this because I saw an example similar to this …in my life .
Getting an erection when receiving fuel can occur.
So it really just is an addiction to power via fuel that then forces the individual to reassert dominance.
It is a necessity to obtain and maintain control and the provision of fuel caters to that through the sensation of power.
Okay, but broken down in its simplicity – it is not that vastly different then a canine asserting dominance over another canine – that looks overtly sexual but it is not.
A canine does not need control, a narcissist does. The similarity is that the canine operates through instinct, as do the majority of narcissists.
I swear I’ve seen a shih-tzu who needed control. She has a regular male shih-tzu visiter who she dominates the hell out of. She controls and hounds his every move: what bowl he will eat out, or if he will eat at all, what bed he will sleep in, who he will approach to be petted, how exuberant or excited he will be, how close he gets to her favourite people, who goes out the backdoor first for a pee…
But I understand what you are saying. The other similarity is that the recipient of that assertion of dominance either acquiesces, challenges or moves on to some other canines. But the difference is the “controlled” canine doesn’t usually founder or suffer for accepting that control. Normally, they would benefit and actually might suffer as a result of rejecting that control.
Much like a rapist who does not do it for the sex but for the power and control?
Mosts rapists are narcissists, hence it is for control.
I never made the connection before but you’re right, no empathy, who would treat someone so cruelly, nearly to death if it did not include death and feel no remorse. Wow!
Destruction , I mean .
I’m glad you wrote this …I’m glad people see some actual examples of negative behavior on your part ….I m glad you choose to give these examples when people are totally worshiping you and thinking you haven’t done anything too bad. Most empaths leave or escape or they are NOT the IPPS . HG,these acts seem more like a mid ranger …I know you hate mid-rangers ? Hg…Maybe since you planned and did the distraction behind her back so she didn’t know who did it …..is that Greaters planning?
I’ve hardly been reticent to write about my behaviours they have been detailed repeatedly from the very beginning of this place.
HG, I’d be so stressed you would do something embarrassing and horrible at a dinner party that I would never be able to be near your table. I’d just be waiting for your head to spin and something awful to happen!
See the 3 Assertions of Control and Understanding Wounding
The spinning head is nothing. Wait til he grabs the crucifix.
we all need to keep holy water in our hip flasks!
No room as you plonkies will have gin or rum in there already
Well Said
Purely for medicinal purposes.
Rum goes very well with hot white chocolate and HG’s voice. I have tried it multiple times, as I did not wish to recommend anything of which I was absolutely certain.
In this case, I thought it necessary to be a stickler for accuracy.
Violetta. Rum and white hot chocolate. Definitely going to give this a try.
Getting tired of boxed wine🍷🍷
*of which Ii was not absolutely certain
HG,
I am curious, what percentage of behaviors and situations, that you have written about in your posts, are things you have done and said? Is it correct to assume that you also use stories from your reader’s consultations as well as your own observations? Thank you!
It is difficult to give a percentage answer to this Kristin. I do not use material from the consultations directly, I may confirm that something I explain has been borne out my people’s experiences when they converse with me, but I do not disclose the information from consultations. A lot of what I have written arises from my activity.
HG,
I figured as much since you write with so much passion and provide intimate details. Many times I think, how did he know, was this written for me? Of course not but it is uncanny how you are spot on. When I question myself or my future, I am always reassured by reading your posts as they have never failed me. Thank you!
You are welcome. I have spent considerable time understanding both our kind and your kind.
Molly, I don’t think it is worship–I have no problem telling HG if something is not palatable. It is accurate that he has positives and negatives. I too can be a terrible ass. I will agree though–I don’t like it and I would roll my eyes if the behavior continued in the same fashion. Although, if it did it isn’t my problem because this behavior directed at me now-a-days would have about two minutes of satisfaction for the narc, it won’t happen again and this is why it seems like “Worship” because the truth is now revealed, so there is gratitude. But–I have no problem with telling HG that something sounds idiotic. I assume he doesn’t care as it is not like he isn’t aware.
I get the impression HG is giving examples of lesser, mid ranger and greater reactions. It is his greater status, I think, which makes him able to understand the lower reactions.
Exactly correct.
UGH, it is so mean, hurtful and wrong. IT makes me so angry when I read this because I lived it and it is so vivid. Its wrong!!!
It is pretty bad, even the piece of crap I was with gave me flowers and wouldn’t demean the wait staff. He has become the epitome of something more flavorful though, I’ll give him that and not in a positive manner.
You’re mean, HG.
No. I’m effective
Omg HG, you are rude to waiters too? Have you cleaned this shit up? Have you the toilet tissue to do so?
Lorelei–having a Magda from Bridget Jones monologue in my head now: “Sorry, Bridget. I was just ringing to say don’t eat it! Yakky! Poo! Take it out of Constance’s nose and put it back in the potty!”
I have to go to the store apparently this morning because people have truly cleaned the shelves & Kroger closed last night to re-stock, and this toilet paper thing is really an issue. I’m way too tired for this nonsense. I just want some flavored water, produce. Its going to be like Black Friday at Best Buy where people fight to save $50 on television sets. I need a drink. I may just stay drunk all day. If there is any alcohol left to buy. Drink chilled red wine and eat Pringles and get really fat. Ugh.