But Why Did the Narcissist Do That?



I have heard this said so many times, read about it from bewildered and perplexed people and know from experience the confusion that accompanies this question.

“But how could he do this to me after everything else? But why would he behave like this? But who would do such a thing as that? He said he loved me. I know he loved me. How does someone love someone else in such a perfect way and then act as if he does not even know them?”

I have written about how the empath likes to know everything. This is not because you are big-headed or wish to boast. You like to know everything in order to allow you to help. You need to understand a situation. It has to make sense to you. You must be able to comprehend what has happened and find some logical reason for the occurrence. This is why you spend so long trying to work us out. This is why when we are doling out the silent treatment you need to ascertain why we are doing it (I think now you understand we do it because we need to, not because there is a valid (according to your reality) reason for this behaviour). It is a natural empathic reaction. If you understand why something has happened you can then consider the ways in which it can be addressed, remedied and fixed. You want everything to be alright.

Accordingly, when our devaluation is unleashed against you it comes out of nowhere. Yesterday we held hands as we walked through the park together and kissed beneath the spreading oak. Today you have been subjected to a nasty period of name-calling and blaming. You are dumbfounded. Where on earth did that come from? In your reality it makes no sense at all. One minute every is okay,nothing changes but then suddenly we are being horrible to you. It just does not add up. It makes no sense. It gets worse.Not only does it not follow in a logical sense since our response (viewed in your reality remember) seems random, how can a person who says he loves you then batter you with his fists, lock you out of your home, sleep rape you, smash up your car, spit on you and so on? Not only is it not a normal sequence of events if you love somebody then you just do not do that, do you?

This is what makes it so difficult for you to comprehend. We have conned you into thinking that we loved you. We gave you the huge seduction and dazzled you with the golden period. We know what you perceive love to be and we gave it to you in spade loads all manufactured by Narc Inc. Our production line went into over time creating these false acts and hollow declarations of love but you fell for it. You always do. Accordingly, you were duped into thinking that we loved you so that when we begin to devalue you it flies completely in the face of what you understand to be the situation.

You will sit for hours with your close friends and recite example after example of all the wonderful things that we have said and done and then ask,

“How can he hurt me when he loves me so much?”

It is utterly perplexing. Naturally there is method in this madness. If it made sense, if there was a logical reason for this volte face you are more likely to accept it and walk away. This twisted and nonsensical logic is purposefully designed to keep you with us because:-

  • You must know what has happened and make sense of it
  • You want to make things right
  • You want the wonderful golden period again


All of this keeps you right besides us. Guess what? We dole out even more awful behaviour and it still does not make sense and you still do not go. We give you a glimpse of the golden period and your confusion increases. He does still love me I knew it. Then the door is slammed shut and you are left confused yet again but even worse this time, the brief return to the golden period has given you additional hope. You still do not go.
For once, rather than looking at it through your own eyes, consider it from our point of view. The devaluation does not come out of nowhere. It does to you but not to us. It happens because you are not giving us our fuel in the strength, quantity and frequency we demand. That is the logic behind our change in behaviour.
Why is it then that we are able to hurt you when we love you so much? Again, look at it through our eyes and the answer is straight forward. We never loved you. Accordingly, we are not affected by what appears (in your world) to be a hurtful and contradictory shift in our behaviour. Let me help you further. To us you are just an appliance. Initially because this appliance does what we want we look after it. We clean it, maintain it and take pride in it. Then it goes wrong. It is too much effort to try and repair it. We are horrible to you in order to make you work in a different way rather than trying to repair you to run as normal. Remember how people would slap the side of their television to make it work or give the washing machine a kick in the hope of causing it to run properly? You are just the same. You are an appliance and we give you a boot be it figurative or literal to make you provide us with fuel of a negative nature. We eventually get fed up that you are not working as we want you to so we chuck you on the scrap heap like so many discarded fridges, computers and washing machines. We have seen a new, shiny model which has attracted our attention instead.
So when you sit and wonder why this devaluation has happened, why our behaviour makes no sense and how can it be that someone who expresses such perfect love can be so hurtful, you know the answer. It makes no sense in your world but every sense in our world where you are just an appliance. Perhaps you had better start thinking about making some self-improvements and increasing your longevity yes?

50 thoughts on “But Why Did the Narcissist Do That?

  1. Kristin says:

    The emotional ups and downs are enough to drive you mad. I was there in December and now that I have a bit of hindsight I can say that it is a necessary step to make sense of it all and to move forward. I remember grieving for what could have been but then I realized, it could not have been any different because he is a narc!

    When I was still trying to figure it all out, FYC suggested that I read the Emotional Sea. There are there parts and I believe it will help by allowing you to see what lays ahead in your journey and the emotions that you feel. It was a great help to me and I probably need to read it again as a refresher.




    Yes, I was in a fog for a very long time. It doesn’t matter if you are entangled with a narc for 2 years or 20, they suck you dry and leave you in a heaping mess. I could really go on a rant but we all know the destruction they cause.

    I remember thinking, now that I know who he is, I can’t “unknow” the truth. I have only recently come to the realization that there is no way I CAN’T divorce him, I am getting there, slowly but surely.

    Keep posting, moving forward and immerse yourself in all of HG’s knowledge because there really is no other way, he is the best. 🤗

    1. lickemtomorrow says:

      Hi Kristin, thanks so much for your response. Finding you all here has been a bit of a lifesaver for me … I don’t know how far I could have sunk without finding this place. Though as things became clearer, I was a bit like you knowing that the end was in sight. You are very proximate to your narc still and that must be very hard, but it sounds like you’re getting a lot of the help you need to change that right here and no doubt all the survivors on the site are rooting for you, too. You deserve better.

      I think ‘The Emotional Sea’ articles were some of the first that I read after coming here. HG posted them during May, and they made such a difference to me. But thank you for posting them again as I may need to refer to them often. They were incredibly helpful, and as I said at the time, I like to talk in terms of water. It is a very expressive medium 🙂

      It’s true you can’t ‘unknow’ once you know. And the behaviour becomes so much clearer, especially with the explanations HG is able to provide. In fact, they stand out like a sore thumb! I’m looking at all my relationship in retrospect, but it’s so obvious now. I do wonder how I would have handled it differently if I wasn’t the emotional mess I was at the time. He’d really pulled the wool over my eyes. And I’m no pushover 😛

      I do wish you all the best as you continue on the path to escape. I know you will get all the help and support you need here. Take care and keep us up to date xox

      1. Kristin says:

        Thanks, Lickemtomorrow. What perfect timing to find those articles when you came here. You have said many of the same things I did verbatim, and I can tell you are smart and very strong. You are doing great and will find that, in a few months, when you are able to think more clearly, things will make even more sense, to include what you are reading now. Keep taking care of you and post away! 💜💚

        1. lickemtomorrow says:

          Thanks, Kristin. Appreciate your encouragement again today 🙂

  2. I like that idea too Kristin. It will take time I think, with good days mixed with tougher days. Every one of us is wired slightly differently, and we’ll respond to different ideas and different ways of looking at things. HG puts out a whole array of subject matter, I honestly think there is something in each post that will help us all. How we process and implement the subject matter will be slightly different. HG hasn’t lived it, he hasn’t felt it, but most definitely understands it. Personal experiences over the top of his content have to maximise the impact of what he is teaching. Even if it’s just one comment on just one day that helps just one person, then it was worth it. 😊.
    I arrived on this blog, with a very limited understanding of what a narcissist is. I imagined the stereotype and that was about it. I knew I was an empath, so was ‘enlightened’ but even there, I found it almost far fetched to be honest. In a very short time, I understand far more about the narcissistic personality, but possibly more importantly, my own empathic personality. I read comments by others and wholly relate to them. It’s such a nice place to be in that sense. People get me, they might not agree, but they get it. Step by step, day by day, we will get to where we are going, I’m sure of it.

    I’m so grateful to HG, for sharing his knowledge, but perhaps more importantly, for providing this place for us. I think we all are.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      That encapsulates, for the most part, what this place is about and I’m pleased that you and others recognise that. It’s important for you all to convey this to others and to rebut the occasional ignorant detractor.

      1. Agree HG. I read around my subject. I haven’t found anything to compare to the material you provide. It’s night and day comparatively. Detractors can take a running jump. I would recommend this place to anyone in my situation, or even anyone wishing to learn more about themselves as an empath.

  3. marmeladethecat says:

    There is a hypnosis mediation on Youtube called “Forget your ex whilst you sleep”. What Narcs do is brainwash targets. So use this is brainwash yourself in another direction .. I do think these things help. Last year I was listening to a lot of sleep hypnosis material by Glenn Harrold. I would listen to it whilst going to sleep next to the now ex-Narc (I dumped him and am working through cognitive dissonance and thinking about the situationship more than I would like) however, after my listening I ended up stepping into an Executive role and have just secured the role of Head of Legal Services, starting in about 4 weeks so really need to put the Narc way in the past as I need to focus on that new role and move forward (was with him 11 years). I plan to get married to a nice, normal, loving man somewhere lovely like Ubud (Bali) after I have recovered from this ridiculous abuse .. you also get hit up with a lot of guilt-tripping and you have to rid yourself of that too. It takes time and you must not rush into another relationship after you kick the loser to the curb. There are lessons to be learned. HG have you done any sleep/hypnosis mediations on Youtube of this nature – extremely helpful.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, I have not. I provide a more effective route.

  4. Janna says:

    This makes me feel angry and also sick. It’s a really horrible thing NPD. I can’t understand how you cannot feel bad treating people like this. I try to understand but I just can’t.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Because I have no conscience, no guilt and no remorse. I operate through the narcissistic perspective. It is necessary and appropriate from our perspective.

      Lessers do not see they have done anything wrong, they are blind to that view because that is how NPD works.
      Mid Rangers sometimes do not see they have done anything wrong or if they understand you view it as wrong, they have an explanation, reason, excuse, justification etc for their actions which usually revolves around it being your fault/not their fault
      Greaters know that our behaviour is viewed as wrong, recognise why you think that way, but do not care because the ends justifies the means.

      Keep reading. You do not have to like it, but you must understand it.

  5. Lady says:

    I am still entangled, i cannot brake the spell .
    I hardly see him, but i am still hanging on to his promises, he says that “we’ll be together in love and harmony” i am so deluded. He has been saying that for years!

    Now when i see him sparodically all he does is raging, and says vile thinks like:
    ” if you were a 32 years old man, and were involuntary celibate, you’ll be raging .. ”
    sounds like those bunch of disgruntled men from that group: Incel.

    Then he starts calling men vile names, saying that they get “everything” from women, and that he gets nothing !! He rages like a hit monster.

    HG why he says those vile things?

    Involuntary celibate?? Immagine how humiliating it is for me? When he is promising me to be with me ??

    So vile, but then i forgive him when he ask.

    I am so mad at myself, years of this now.

    Hell on earth, and i am hoping he will change!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Do not rely on hope, it is a false mistress.
      2. He will not change, if he is a narcissist.
      3. Why does he say these vile things? To provoke you in order to know (unconsciously) that he has control over you.

      You have had years of this. Time to make it stop. Organise a Narc Detector Consultation and an Audio Consultation and put an end to it.

      1. Lady says:

        Thank you so much HG

        I am incapable to break it …
        I love him too much..


        1. HG Tudor says:

          No, you do have the capability because you have access to me.

          1. Lady says:

            “Access to you”
            You know how i feel when i read that? I feel
            more fascination for narcs.. instead of repulse..

        2. Leigh says:

          Lady, stay on the blog, read the comments, utilize Mr. Tudor’s services. With Mr. Tudor’s help, you’re capable of being free. He has helped so many already.

          1. Lady says:

            I am on HG blog on and off for a few years now, then i was getting even more obsessed and fascinated with the narc.. i broke it off and gone back.. because i believe him ( maybe i want to) that when he says he’ll change.. he might will…
            I know i am totally deluded..

            But, thank you 🧡

          2. Leigh says:

            Lady, I hope you find the strength you need to get away. He won’t change and you don’t deserve to be treated that way.

      2. Anm says:

        HG, I watched a youtube video about a week or so ago from Dr. Ramani. She did a three part series on Malignant Narcisisst. It was interesting because there has been one aspect of my daughters father’s rage and verbal abuse I did not get. I recognized the manipulation side to his rage, I recognized that if his narcissist needs weren’t met and he felt insulted he would rage. But there has been one aspect that I knew was a missing piece to the puzzle….. I read your book fury, and got good insights, but it’s been a few years so I need to go back and read it….. anyways, she mentioned how people will often confuse a Malignant Narcisisst with a Psychopath, and she said that even though they both score high on the dark triad, and score similar in the 5 personality traits they always examine people for. She said that the dead give away is that Psychopaths do not feel fear and can remain calculated and calm. She said with Malignant Narcissist, there is ALWAYS constant fluctuating levels of high anxiety, and that one aspect of their rage is rooted in their bizarre and over the top paranoia. She said that one give away, is that if you go to the home of a Malignant Narcissist, you will find all kids of security surveillance equipment at their home, and they will always be trying to cover their tracks and feel like people are out to take them down. That’s my daughters father for sure. When I first met him, I found it interesting that his windows were custom built like bullet proof glass, he had these very beautiful, yet heavy curtains that made his living room dark. This was so ABSOLUTELY NO ONE could look inside his home if needed. The vibe was much like an upscale drug dealers home. After we broke up, and he has gotten a little older, he keeps adding to his home security. Now, he has top of the line video surveillance. I cant imagine why a girl would go over there now with all those cameras up to party. Its creepy. We are working on getting any medical decision taken away from him because he is just to paranoid. It used to be he wanted to feel like he was the important parent of us two, but now it has gone too far. The other day, I had to take my daughter to urgent care to get prescription eye drops. At first it was a narcissist injury suggestion something was wrong with his extension, our daughter, then he was narcisisstically wounded I didn’t invite him to join us at the appointment. But all of that sort of settled like notes of a fine perfume. The base note, the underlying root of his paranoia, he was afraid I was out to set him up for medical abuse or neglect and it would look poorly on him. So he raged that I didn’t seek his advisement. I was like, “dude, we just needed to pick up eyedrops without all this drama.” Its like levels of rage and the lingering one is definitely revolved around his paranoia for sure, and it’s getting more and more obvious as he ages.

  6. lickemtomorrow says:

    OK. I’m having a teary day and this just hurts 🙁

    After two months of hanging tough, going through the motions of being stupefied, angry, hurt, self righteous and sad, now the impact of what I endured is finally starting to hit home.

    While you can apply your logic, HG, I can only feel its effects.

    Even the understanding isn’t lessening the impact today.

    I feel sucker punched again.

    1. FoolMe1Time says:


      Don’t beat yourself up dear. You will have days of ups and downs, tears and anger. I know this probably won’t help but most of us go through this period. You are grieving and that is perfectly normal. Stay here with us and we will help get you through this day. I’m sure when some of the others read your comment they will all be offering you their support. This hurt you are feeling will lesson over time, it has only been two months, this is all still very fresh for you dear. Grab a box of tissues and cry all that you need to, when you are finished go to the knowledge vault and read all of HGs material on emotions. We are here for you. You will get through this! 💞

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        Thank you so much, FM1T. Your words do help immensely, and you are right, it is a period of grieving. In some ways I’ve known that I would have to go through this from the start, but I’ve cheated those tears up to now even though I’ve felt sad. With everything making so much sense and adding up, especially after coming here, it’s been live a salve to the gaping wound that was left.

        The tears that came were unbidden. I didn’t expect or encourage them. It was like a lightening bolt of emotion hit me and suddenly broke down all my defenses. I know they were a gift. And a moment of cleansing for me. HG has talked about tears of sadness, tears of joy, tears of relief. This is another variety of tears, I think. They were cleansing tears.

        I appreciate your words of support and encouragement greatly. And It’s always good to know you are not alone. There is a wonderful community of survivors and supporters here. I’m very glad I found you all.

        I’m going keep the box of tissues next to me for now, and find my way to the Knowledge Vault again for more wisdom … thanks for the reminder xox

        1. FoolMe1Time says:

          You are very welcome lickemtomorrow. I’m glad you found us! The people on this blog are amazing! You are now one of those people. You are going to be just fine!! 😘💞

    2. blackcoffee30 says:

      It hurts, sometimes it sneaks up on us. Do something small for yourself, have a latte or a bubble bath– and report back!! I want to hear what you end up doing to aid in your healing. Much love. <3

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        Hi BC30, yes that moment did sneak up on me and thank you for the love and kindness xox

        I think in some ways I’ve forgotten how to do something for myself, but the best part is your reminder to do something small. Baby steps. It’s the place to start and I will report back when ready 🙂

    3. NarcAngel says:

      lick em tomorrow

      And all this time I have been thinking your name was lick ME tomorrow! I planned to use it in future interactions in place of bite me.

      In any case, that’s exactly what you will do. Lick EM (emotional memories) tomorrow.

      Hagen Daz and HG in the interim


      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        Haha, NarcAngel, the further down I’m reading the more I am beginning to 🙂

        LOL to the notion of ‘lick ME’ … the connotations are endless! Use at your own discretion 😉

        I shall say no more, but Hagen Daz and HG sound like a cure for now.

        Oh, and what a brilliant take on ’em’ for emotional memories. I will beat them some day.

    4. Ashley says:

      Awwwww 💖 it’s normal!! If it makes you feel any better, I was like that the other week when it was my ex’s birthday. I tried really hard to prevent it but I couldn’t hold it in after awhile & cried. This was after ten months. Your mind will bring things up from the past sometimes & the wounds can feel like they are reopening. Feel your feelings & they will dissipate soon enough. 💖💖💖 After I allowed myself to cry on his birthday, I felt happy afterwards & fine again.

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        Hi Ashley, and it does make me feel better so thank you <3.

        Last week was the anniversary of my narc's mother's death. I held his hand through a lot of that. When I think of the emotion that overwhelmed me at the time for all he was going through, it's hard to believe that meant nothing to him.

        I completely understand those anniversary dates, the meaning attached to them and how they generate the memories and sense of loss once again. So, it was an anniversary of a kind that has probably done it for me, too. I'm glad you decided to let that out and not hold on to it. And you are right in everything you say about reopening old wounds. Sometimes that's what's needed to help them heal. Good to know you are feeling better for it and I hope you continue to stay strong x

        1. Ashley says:

          Good!! 😊💖

        2. Ashley says:

          Oops I’m sorry, I didn’t see the rest of your comment. Dates are definitely a huge trigger & it’s no wonder we feel emotional those days. It’s necessary to release the uncomfortable, & the important part is we get back up & don’t stay there. Thank you 💖💖

        3. truthseeker6157 says:

          I hope you are feeling brighter today.
          I’m reading a lot on here, articles, comments, experiences. What I’ve realised is that HG is right, this is most similar to an addiction. Our reaction to it I think is most similar to a grieving process.

          I used to smoke. I gave up years ago after reading a book called ‘ The easy way to give up smoking.’ by Allen Carr. I chose it because he actively encourages you to smoke throughout the duration of the book! 😂 I finished it, lit my last cigarette and have never smoked since. I had no major cravings, no desperate pangs, no emotional ups and downs, nothing. All done. It’s a very simple concept. Two monsters, the small monster being the chemical need, the large monster being all of your associations to smoking, of which there are a huge number. What you feel when you give up, is a niggle, (the small monster). When people feel this, they open the door to the big monster, all the associations, the panic, the ‘I need’ part. So, slay the small monster and by definition, you slay the big monster.
          How do you slay the small monster? You refuse to listen to him, you see him for what he is, an irritation, weak and weakening by the day as your own body heals itself. You do not listen to him, you keep busy, give him no mental space. When you hear him, you go out. Do something, ( I used to go to the gym and get the boxing gloves on). Essentially, you feel it, then, you control it.
          I think there are definite similarities here. The small monster is ‘ the missing’ part. The large monster ‘ memories, associations, phone calls, holidays, voice mails, dinners, joint friends etc ‘the ever presence.’ As HG calls it.
          My approach will be the same. Slay the small monster. Easy wins first. Remove the obvious triggers. Photos, souvenirs, voicemails, screenshots, gifts, playlist, anything I can see, hear or touch goes. Give him no head space, none at all. If your mind wanders on to him, block him out instantly. Paint a wall, reorganise a wardrobe, study a new subject, listen to a new band, anything, doesn’t matter what, but actively stop thinking about him. You do that, the big monster of ever presence’ starts to wither too. The trick is to control your ‘free’ thoughts so you block him out.

          I bought the Cluehunter files for this reason. My weak time is late evening through to when I go to sleep. I’m no longer tasking, my down time. This is the time I used to be chatting with my narc, it’s also the time my mind wanders only onto thoughts of him, the ache and the tears follow shortly after. So, I need to be busy concentrating on something else at this time. I can’t allow him into my head. Last night I spent hours looking at family crests with Latin inscriptions, lol. Long story but it served a purpose. I tested it, it works.

          I have not yet read, Exorcism. I haven’t yet purchased the addiction package. I’m prioritising my changing needs in terms of purchases. I’m sure both will be way more effective than my attempt for you here. But, in the meantime, it might be worth a try. 😊
          Empaths are so spun around by this, we forget how strong we actually are. We feel, we dwell, we sink, yes. But, in all but very rare cases, we always heal, we always pull up, and we genuinely will always find a way to help each other. I hope today is a better day. x

          1. NarcAngel says:

            Great positive comment and sharing of what works for you that could also help others. Thank you for that. I have not read Exorcism but am sure it is as effective as all the other works. I can speak to The Addiction Package however, and it is not be missed. A great investment and essential to our understanding.
            A great day is wished for you as well.

          2. lickemtomorrow says:

            Truthseeker, so much wisdom contained here, and I thank you for every word.

            I love your analogy with smoking, and I’m still on and off with that, too! Unfortunately, the break up got me back into that unfortunate space, so looks like I’ve got a battle on a couple of fronts …

            I like your idea of distracting myself and finding something else to focus on in those vulnerable moments, rather than get caught up in what used to be. I feel like I have cocooned myself in some ways and only engage in interactions that are either necessary or useful to me. This place has become a bit of a refuge for now. It is forming part of my distraction, and the clue hunting sounds like fun, so maybe I’d like to try that.

            The truth is, I don’t think I want to be around other people who don’t understand what I’m going through right now. It’s so hard to understand, unless you’ve been through it, and I’ve been through it multiple times before, often without knowing it. I’ve got a whole history behind me of paying the price for being an empath. That another reason to strengthen amongst other empaths right now.

            So, I’m very appreciative of your advice, and somehow I didn’t seem to get notification of your comment, so I hope I haven;t missed any others. Everything people seem to offer here is of value, I find. I’m learning as much from the comments as I am from HG. It’s the kind of sharing that I’ve always found so valuable. And appreciated, too.

            Thank you again for sharing your experience. And the comparison between small monster (missing him) and big monster (associations) is one I will hope to hold on to. I have sent HG my triple empath pack and I’m pretty sure I’m going to score low on the weaponized questionnaire but, if so, it will only be to enable me to become much more effective in defeating what I now know is my emotional thinking.

            I know things can only get better. It’s the path I choose to take.

            Sending love and hugs your way xox

            PS: Maybe I forgot to hit the ‘notify me of new comments’ box!

        4. Ashley says:

          Like you said, I think a HUGE part of our hard times emotionally come from realizing something that meant a lot to us, meant nothing to them. It’s difficult to wrap our heads around. 🤯 I decided I’m going to take today/tonight & listen to all the programs I have from here. I finally have privacy today to do that. The more I’m around people, the more I have moments of stupid ET because I get back in that role of taking care of people if that makes sense. The more I nurture people in “real life” the more I seem to have ET. This may sound stupid but I’m dying to go to my favorite upscale restaurant when the state it’s in allows, because even just one night there helps me mentally. The owner comes to greet me, gives me a kiss, pulls my chair out, & puts my napkin on my lap for me, & makes me the best cocktail ever haha I missss that. I need someone to take care of me even only for a few minutes, get dressed up, feel elegant again. That’s my “self care” type of thing haha

          1. Kristin says:

            Go to the restaurant when it opens and enjoy the love and support! It is not stupid but a great idea and a wonderful way to take care of yourself. 😊

          2. Ashley says:

            💖💖 thanks Kristin, it may be another month I’m not sure, but I’m fantasizing about it that’s for sure haha

          3. Violetta says:


            Why is that silly? I had a blast at my friends’ Official Socially Distancing Cookout yesterday! We didn’t hug each other, but since I had mild symptoms in March and tested Negative last week (doesn’t tell if I had it or have antibodies to donate, but at least I’m not actively infected now), I felt it was okay to cuddle the cat, so I did. Poor furball: he’s very social and used to having people visiting all the time, so Lockdown has been hard for him. He usually lets you have a brief pet, then goes over to the table where the laser pointer is and waits for you to use it, but this time he couldn’t get enough petting. He wanted to sit in my lap and just be squooshed, which he never does ordinarily.

            On my way home, I encountered two German Shepherd/Akita/husky mixes, and their human let me interact with them (I always ask, since the pandemic). One was 12 years and fairly mellow, though she could wrestle with the younger one, but the other was about a year, and was thrilled when I accepted her invitation to play (kneeling on her front legs) and started running figure 8s around her.

            If I can get such joy from playing with quadrupeds after an evening of eating succotash and flank steak with my friends while watching MST3K, why shouldn’t you enjoy a fancy restaurant? It’s legal and it makes you feel better. You do what works.

          4. Ashley says:

            That’s awesome, Violetta! I am so happy you had a great time!! 😊 I’m relieved you test negative!! Awwwwww poor kitty, I’m glad he could enjoy your snuggles! 😊 Awwww how sweet!! I always think about how this is affecting pets that are missing extra affection, I’m happy they will feel the extra love hopefully soon. Thanks for your sweet comment 🙂 it made me smile to envision some fun things.

          5. lickemtomorrow says:

            I think you hit the nail on the head there, Ashley. I’m cocooning myself because I want to familiarize myself with the traps before I walk out there again and get caught up in something else that’s only going to hurt me. It’s an element of self-protection.

            So, I think there’s two fronts. One is protecting yourself as and when needed, the other is to care for yourself, which it sounds like your planning to do 🙂 Self care is so important, too.

            Thank you for sharing more of your thoughts around that.

          6. Ashley says:

            Very wise!! Cacooning is very helpful! I can’t believe this year is half over already – that seems surreal to me. I’ve never done this before, but I’m counting this half-way point in the year as my reset point to start anew. I feel so much happier today. Exactly a year ago was when my more obvious devaluation started because I nicely corrected his spelling of a word. I feel great right now in the sense that if I were where I was a year ago, I would not be happy with someone like that. It makes reality/logic snap me back into place. I struggle with missing things about him sometimes, but today I am back on track to where I was before. I felt like 99% over him for a while there, then something happened where I missed him again. I know that’s a normal cycle of emotions, but I felt frustrated with myself for being like that. All the stuff I did yesterday paid off! I just needed to listen to everything to feel better. I hope you feel good today 💖💖

    5. Kiki says:

      It is very hard , stay here read the posts and I strongly recommend HGs book Purging the Narcissist, this is my go to manual if I ever feel weak moments.

      You will get through this as your logical thinking increases .
      Hgs advice and wisdom will speed up the grieving process for you , promise .


      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        Thank you, Kiki <3

        HGs work has helped me tremendously already and I don't think I've come across the book Purging the Narcissist, but it sounds like a great recommendation.

        And the idea of logical thinking is new to me! Well, at least in the way HG presents it and also emotional thinking. The comparisons between the two and how our minds operate to embrace them. I've got a lot to learn, but speeding up the grieving process would be most welcome at this point in time, so thank you for your kind words and recommendations again.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It’s called Exorcism.

          1. lickemtomorrow says:

            It is indeed.

        2. Kiki says:

          Yes Exorcism purging the narcissist


        3. Thank you for the hug, could use a cuddle today 😊You’re welcome, glad it helped a little.

    6. Kristin says:


      Sharing your struggles is an important step in taking care of YOU and moving forward. It is tough but I can say that it will get easier and the stronger and more knowledgeable you become regarding ET and narcs, the better you will feel.
      I discovered 7 months ago that my husband was a narc so I can relate to how you feel. Just the other day, I had a weak moment and broke down in tears. I have come so far and am planning my escape but there are days when he wears me down and I just need a release. WiserNow shared the following recently and it helped me so much.

      “Another thing I’ve learned over time is that the progress isn’t like a straight line going upwards (like on a graph or projection). It’s a squiggly line that can go up one day and then down for a week and then up for another week and so on. It’s unpredictable and that is also something that happens because of ET and the way our experiences affect us. Over time though, there will be a general upward trend in the line. So, please allow that future trend to inspire you and give you the energy to keep going.”

      Take it one day at a time or even one hour at a time and be gentle and patient with yourself. You can do this and you have the best support in the world with HG and the others on this site. I am glad that you are here. 😊

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        Hi Kristin, and thank you for your very encouraging words. They are greatly appreciated.

        The rollercoaster of emotions appear to be endless at this stage. So WiserNow has expressed it well and I appreciate you sharing their wisdom with me, too. I’ve found so much of it since coming here and it really is making a difference.

        Sharing our struggles is important and your word ‘discover’ in relation to your husband is the one that stands out for me. We don’t know what we have become entangled with and it can hit you like a sledgehammer when you finally realize. It’s also the moment where you can begin planning your escape because the ability to fight back becomes an option.

        I imagine you’d been walking around in a fog in your marriage for some time. I was not in a marriage with my narc, which in many ways makes the escape so much easier, but I walked around in a fog for nearly two and a half years going through the B/S all narcs put us through. It’s horrendous, and can bring you to your knees. That’s what it’s intended to do. Thankfully, we don’t need to stay there..

        I am so glad you are planning your escape. Once your eyes are opened, there is no other possible option. In the meantime, tears are the are the release valve of your heart. And an option for release until the moment of escape arrives. I hope that day comes for you soon.

        And I’m very glad you are here, too <3

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