In the End It Has to Hurt
By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.
In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it.
It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos.
I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.
This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit.
Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream alone and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me.
It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.
I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream.
Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.
I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from occasional glimpses of reality. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out.
We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.
In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.
11 thoughts on “In the End It Has to Hurt”
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will the effect of No Contact ever amount to some form of regained respect for us, or do you just hate us for it? when you come back for more….. I´d guess the lack of insight and self awareness amounts to projection and rewriting of history in those cases? “She did not leave me, I left her, because she is … ´insert negative comment here´”.
You were never respected to begin with so there is nothing to regain. You should not repeatedly concern yourself with our reaction to no contact, you can understand it by reading about it The Effect of No Contact on the Narcissist and then focus on maintaining no contact.The narcissist will portray whatever version of events enables the assertion of control and that can vary dependent on which appliances the narcissist is dealing with, a pity play to one, haughty dismissiveness about the escaped IPPS to another, righteous indignation to another.
Thank you. As always, your locig helps.
You are welcome.
This should be required reading for Jessica Mulroony and poor Harry especially before the trial Markle v Sunday Mail where Markle will be expecting her girlfriends to perjure themselves in the high court. Meghan needs to put Mulroony back in her court it will be so interesting how she does this when she dropped Jessica so publicly
Such horseshit..oh boo freakin hoo, u get bored? Join the club. Try not to be such a jerk after a certain age. 40 maybe? Or, how bout be HONEST for once and let the partner know ur basically looking for friend with benefit. Instead of ruining lives. Children, elderly, nobody is off limits to u all. And its sickening listening to these stories. What u do is NOT OK, its NOT COOL. Pure evil
I would invite you to continue reading and gain a greater understanding. Your understandable emotional response shows considerable misunderstanding of narcissism, but by reading here and applying the understanding through logic you will put yourself in a much better position.
Hello,
When I read the line,
“I need something different in order to give me that hit.”
It reminded me of those who engage in substance abuse, or even a thrill-seeking type of dependency. Any “drug”, after a time, becomes less effective as we build up a “tolerance” for the effects. At some point you have to seek another source or up the dosage to feel the same effects.
Since you see people as appliances, I’m thinking the situation is similar, no?
This post was very helpful in understanding the behavior of narcissists and how they must change/escalate the dynamic in order to produce the needed fuel/result.
Also,
“we make you look bad and we look good. ”
helps us to understand why history is re-written, casting us in the role of villain. It also makes sense why my sibling is always projecting their feelings (hate, anger, etc.) onto me. I’ve often gotten statements, “we don’t like each other, fine! I know you like to X, All you saw was Y”, without ever being asked what my actual feelings
are, or what I actually think. When I do state what I think, it’s ignored and the assumption is repeated.
This article was very helpful. Thank you.
You are welcome.
“ We make you look bad so we look good.”
In front of whom? To whom?
Also, strawberry ice cream cannot be described as ‘fit for champions.’ Pot Noodle is the food of champions everyone knows that. You’ll be describing pizza as being ‘awesome‘ next.
Heeeeey, strawberry ice cream is very good! 😉