A Letter to the Empath – No. 11

Today is August 28th 2012 and something will happen today that is going to forever change your life.  You don’t know this yet, but you are an Empath.  Yes, that’s what’s “wrong” with you.  That’s why you’re “too sensitive”.  That’s why you stop to help box turtles across the road and save stranded earthworms from the sidewalk.  That’s why the news and movies upset you so.  It also makes you a prime target for narcissists. It’s not what you think; the story of a boy that fell in love with his own reflection.  There’s so much more that you will learn about the disorder, called NPD.  You won’t believe the fact that these people live amongst us.  Many, many of them.  They look like us but they see the world entirely differently.  They have no love, no compassion, no empathy; they steal the love we have for them and nearly beat us to death with it.  They use our love and decency against us as their weapons.

Shhh, there he is now, escorted by the CEO to be introduced around the office and it’s your turn.  Oh what a gorgeous, dark, mysterious, charming, divine smelling gentleman. You look into his eyes.  You shake his hand.  You are instantly and totally smitten.  That, my dear, was your first narc hit from this man, a mere sip of your drug of choice.  It wasn’t some serendipitous chance meeting due to the stars being perfectly aligned or a spell that he cast upon you.  It’s an addiction that Empaths have.  An addiction YOU have.

The days that follow are a blur of obsession for more and more of those narc hits.  You spend time in his office, try to learn what makes him tick, look at him and breathe him in.  You can think of nothing but him and ways to spend time in his presence.  Notice me damn it.  Smile at me.  Let me know that you feel the magic too, that electricity that buzzes between us.  Time goes by, you learn how he takes his coffee, you look forward to his in office days and find any reason to visit his.  On his out of office days, you go in there to smell where he’s been, to clean his cup for him, or leave him a little gift or note.  

I’ll give you a little hint.  He DOES notice you, “Sunshine” (He knew calling you that made your heart melt and your knees weak.) He noticed you from that first minute too.  You are like a beacon in the night to his kind.  Those gorgeous grey eyes are those of a shark scenting blood in the water.  Those gifts you leave, those things you say, the way you laugh at his anecdotes and the attention you give him are all signals that you are under his control and that you belong to him.  Things progress in a fun and flirty friendship.  The hugs, oh the hugs are the best you’ve ever had before or since.  How you look forward to his hugs and what you’d give for one of those hugs even now a year and a half into your no contact regime.  

Then the time comes when you must leave the company for greener pastures.  (The CEO is a narcissist too, but that’s a story for another time.  Just know that you will begin to see their kind everywhere in your present AND your past and this is what REALLY changes your life forever.  Yep, even your very own father; but back to our story…) 

Why did he tell you he would be attending your going away dinner?  Why did you save him a seat next to you and spend the entire evening watching the door for him to appear?  Why couldn’t you enjoy the evening with your co-workers for being anxious?  Why didn’t he apologize or even acknowledge his failure to show up?

No longer working together, you do your best to stay in contact and have interaction with him, no matter how brief to get your hits.  You all but beg him to meet you for lunch or coffee.  He did a few times, but mostly, he didn’t.  Sometimes he allowed you crumbs of his time with emails, texts and phone calls that thrilled and delighted you, but mostly, he didn’t.  Then one day, the flirty friendly texts turned sexual.  Why did he sometimes act as though he could eat you alive and other times as though he wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire?  Why did he sometimes want to speak “right now” no matter how inconvenient for you; and then other times leave you hanging when a call was scheduled?  You left early from work.  You made sure you were ready and on time.  With butterflies in your stomach, you waited with anticipation for the phone to ring, (You were never to call him for some reason.) yet the phone stayed silent.  It became apparent as the minutes passed that you had been rejected once again.  Your hopes dashed by the object of your affection.  Still you trudged on, still you loved him.  You made excuses as to why he didn’t call.  Still he made no reference to his failure to do as he said he would do; a broken promise in your world.  It should have been cause for a profuse apology, no?

All of the pain and confusion are exacerbated when he disappears from the face of the earth with no explanation one cold January day.  You can’t get in touch.  You don’t know if your messages are getting through.  Is he sick?  Is he dead?  What is keeping him from assuring you that he is alright?  He knows how you worry for his welfare.  Why won’t he call you back?  The begging, the pleading for him to tell you what you did wrong.  The crying, the deals you made with God to give you the truth, the answers.  The pills you took and the alcohol you drank to numb the pain.  The silence.  The deafening silence. 

Just as you had consigned yourself to the fact that you will never hear from him again, he messaged you out of the blue one fine February day TWO YEARS later as if not a day had passed.  The ghost had reappeared.  It was another near impossible alignment of the stars.  Your prayers had been answered.  It was a sign that you were meant to be together.  All is well again in your world.

I will leave what happens in the next two years for you to experience for yourself.  After all, I know how you love surprises.  Some of the surprises are good but mostly the days pass by riddled with disappointment, sadness, loneliness and confusion…OR…you can save yourself the heartache (which is the purpose of this letter)  

On a specific one of those dark 700+ days that he is absent, August 28, 2015, to be exact.  I want you to commemorate the third anniversary of your meeting by entering this address into your web browser:  www.narcsite.com  You are what is called a truth seeker and all of your whys will be answered by the work of the Dark Angel that you discover there.  You will find the closure that you seek.  You will be given tools to use so that the narcissist can never come back to prey upon your kindness again.  You won’t waste two MORE years of your life living in a cloud of confusion.  You won’t go to your grave wondering.  You will make new friends and you WILL find freedom.

You’re welcome, Sunshine.  You’re welcome.