The Seven Sins of the Empath´s Self Doubt

THE-SEVEN-SINS-OF-THE-EMPATH´S-SELF-DOUBT

 

In the beginning you are resourceful, confident and independent. Those attributes are there with no need for brazen displays but rather they exist in an understated and quiet manner. Then we arrive. The imposition of our manipulations is designed to bring life to these seven sins in order to leave you susceptible to our further machinations and control. These doubts will enable us to hoover you, draw fuel from you and maintain that connection we rely on to further our own ambitions.

  1. Is it actually my fault?

 

We will have you asking yourself and pondering whether what has happened is your fault. Did you do something to attract someone like us? Did you miss some sign which you ought to have seen and therefore it is your own failing which has caused you to be exposed to our control and abuse? We will have you analyse your behaviours as you become burdened with guilt. We are the experts in shifting the blame and through the repeated application of denial, deflection and projection, we will avoid any and all culpability for our actions, leaving them to impact on you. It must be your fault if we are so adamant that it is not our fault. The conviction by which we pin the blame on you will have you questioning yourself. It is natural for you to always reflect on your own behaviour, that is central to who you are and we know this. Add to this our incessant blame-shifting and this steady drip drip drip of the accumulation of blame will eventually take its toll and you will start to accept the blame and regard yourself at fault.

  1. Did I love him enough?

 

How many times have you been told, “You would do it if you loved me,” or “You wouldn’t do that if you actually loved me like you say you do”. You face the ultimate in supposed love through our love bombing and it sheer scale of apparent passion, affection and love would cause anything else to pale by comparison. You will always have this thrown in your face as we tell you time and time again about how much love we have shown for you, how we have loved you beyond anything else and nobody could love you any more than we do. Is it any wonder when faced with such repeated assertions and the behemoth that we are of love that you will query whether you gave enough love towards us? Perhaps we behave the way we do because we feel that we love you more than you love us? We will certainly tell you that and because you are such a devotee of love you will feel obligated to try to match what you have received. You cannot do so because the love we exhibit is smoke and mirrors, easy to conjure up, easy to say and what you understand as love takes more effort, but this will not stop you always wondering whether you do enough and whether a little more love might just be the solution that is needed to make everything perfect again. Thus, we keep you hanging on and trying all the harder.

  1. Was I wrong to leave?

 

This nagging doubt has to be created by us on order to keep alive the prospect of hoovering you. We know that you possess a near indefatigable spirit that causes you to stay and try to make things rights. So often it us that brings about the cessation (albeit temporary) of our relationship and we discard you. On the rare occasion where you decide that you have had enough and make a break for the border, to free yourself of our poisonous influence, we know that you will have reservations about doing so. You do not like to give up on people. You like to succeed. You desire for success is not the same as our self-centred drive for achievement but rather your success sf for other people and we know this. We know that you want to achieve resolution, that is why we lead you around the houses and up the garden path with our circular arguments. We know that you prefer to achieve an outcome, hence why we never fully answer questions, deflect and deny. This desire for a conclusion means that should you ever walk away from us we know you will be plagued by some guilt that you should not have done it. What if he could have been helped? What if he could change? What if he needed your help? Such doubts will manifest and mean that when we loom large as we seek to hoover you, this desire to leave nothing hanging (along with a host of other manipulative methods designed to get you to return) will leave you susceptible to being hoovered back into our twisted world.

  1. Should I have given him another chance?

 

Maybe if you had given us another chance (to add to the dozen or so that you have already given us) then the outcome might have been different? You invested so much and you gave us so many chances, perhaps you have cut loose too soon? Maybe one more chance was all that was required and now you are left wondering if you have made a mistake and lost the opportunity to help us and resolve our problems. Perhaps you had better try again and give that further chance? It would be such a shame not to do so, especially after all the effort you have put in? This might have been the point at which everything clicked and we finally made the changes and gained the understanding and insight that is required to return to a permanent golden period. You want to see good happen, we know this and therefore we know that you have that nagging itch that if you just gave us another chance this might be the one that is required to get us past the post. It won’t be, but we like to engender this hope in your mind so that you succumb to this doubt and return to us to try again. And again. And again.

  1. What if someone else makes him happy?

 

Have I been too hasty in making my escape? What if he finds someone else and she makes him happy? It shows it can be done and I let him go and now someone else is going to get the benefit of that wonderful golden period and she might get it all the time. Why should she get this when you have endured both the black with the golden? You are entitled to receive the golden period again surely? Perhaps it was something you had done and now she knows what to avoid because he will tell her what you did in the relationship and she will avoid making your mistake and reap the reward. How is that fair? Why should she benefit from the pain you have endured? It is your golden period and you want it back because it felt so wonderful. In fact, having checked his Facebook page for the sixth time today there seems to be a lot of mutual liking of one another’s posts between him and some new lady, whoever she is. What’s going on there? Has he found someone new already? Could she be the one? You had better act and do so quickly to avoid someone else getting the golden period for good. Why not ring him and arrange to meet up? Head her off at the pass? Yes, we instil such doubts in your mind in order to have you come back to us once more.

  1. Maybe I didn’t help him as much as I could have

 

There was something clearly wrong with him but maybe he could not help doing all those things. Perhaps something terrible once happened to him and this is why he behaves in such an abhorrent manner? Surely you should show some compassion and understanding in order to help him be free of whatever demons that plague him, after all, are you not a kind and considerate person. This is what you do isn’t it? Help people. You should not run out on him now, he needs you and you are the only one who can save him. Just be understanding, help him, give him what he needs and then together you can overcome whatever it is that has taken hold of him. You have seen him bleed, he is human just like you and it is help that he needs not condemnation. Yes, what he did to you was terrible but what if that could not be helped, what if he was trying to ask for your help and did not know how to ask for it? Now you have walked away from him, right when it is his hour of need. That’s not very empathic is it? That isn’t who you are. You are kind and caring, a healer. Go back and apologise and help him. Submit to his demands and help him walk through his personal hell, surely it is the least you can do, yes?

  1. Did I deserve it?

 

You spoke out of turn too many times so what did you expect him to do? He is a proud man and it was inevitable he would lash out. If you had not been so weak, you would have not annoyed him. Perhaps if you had done more of what he wanted, gone along with his demands just for the sake of quiet, things would have been drastically different? If you had not been so stubborn or had tried to change him? If you had not tried to mother him? If you had tried to mother him? If you had been someone else? If you had stayed true to yourself? If you had been more like his mother? Less like his mother? More like her? Less like her? You did try but somehow you always seemed to rile him and then the insults and assaults would fly. Maybe if you had kept a civil tongue in your mouth it would have turned out differently? Perhaps if you had tried to look at things from his perspective more often rather than thinking about yourself, then the outcome would have been better? You wish you were stronger and you needed to be stronger for both you and him, but you weren’t and that must the reason he treated you the way he did. Your weakness irritated him. Maybe if you had not been so pathetic then he would have continued to love you like he once did. Perhaps if you had not fought back when he was despondent he would not have felt the need to put you in your place. Maybe you just did not do enough of what he needed because you were too busy focussing on how you felt and that is why it all came tumbling down? Maybe you failed to understand him because you were too wrapped up in yourself? Maybe, just maybe, you got what you deserved?

 

19 thoughts on “The Seven Sins of the Empath´s Self Doubt

  1. Jeanette says:

    I left him, and went no contact. And although that happened after one hoovering attempt, where he promised to change, how sorry he was and more of those tricks…… I blocked him everywhere when I found out he wasn;t changing one bit. Yet, although I left him, and that should make me feel empowered, I also have some of these questions swimming through my head. Because I want to understand, not him, but me and my interaction with him.

    Why did I not kick him out at the first red flag? Why dit I gave him the benefit of the doubt?

    Because I do not wish to judge a book by its cover and I need to browse through the pages to see what it is about?

    Because I realize we all work from a framework of past references, that includes your own damaged inner person, and that creates enough room for “benefit of the doubt” ……..and because you are in love with the non existing person you thought he was……….

    Because I date in a foreign country and culture where men are machismo?

    My “relationship” lasted only 2 months in lockdown chatting (bonding in an extreem fast pace) and a few meetings after lcokdown where I knew instantly something was wrong. I just needed proof……when I found it, I kicked him out.

    Was he a (high mid range) narcisist? Not sure, I think so, he sure as hell was emotionally unavailable and emotionally immature, and he lived in a world of lies and deceit, and wanted me to live in that same world, untill I found out he had mutiple relationships, on and offline.

    I wish I could stop the thinking. I guess I have to stop reading websites like these, to make a start. But I so desperatly want to understand…….for future reference. To adjust my framework.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Jeanette,

      1. Use this to gain clarity https://narcsite.com/narc-detector-2/
      2. Do indeed stop reading websites “like these” and instead just read my work. Your ET is trying to con you into not accessing the logic that is provided by my work.
      3. I would recommend that you organise a consultation with me, so I can make sense of many matters for you and direct you in your reading and understanding.

  2. karmicoverload says:

    This one really hurts. All were applicable except #2. I never doubted my love for him, although struggled with whether he knew how much I loved him and whether that would be a positive or a negative in his eyes. How much to reveal?
    As for the rest, it’s all there. Did I not come across properly over messages? Did I misunderstand his messages? Was what he just said a “tell,” or a lie? Should I have paid more attention to his body language, or what he wasn’t saying, or what he WAS saying? Should I believe his relationship with Chika wasn’t a “real” relationship, but a mistake? Should I believe he and Mandie are and have always been “just good friends?” Am I the psycho for suggesting otherwise? Should I have kept my mouth shut or did he want my jealousy? During silent treatments, was I right to try and contact him, or was this an annoyance? Should I speak my mind or keep quiet? Does he want an argument or does he want me to leave him? Should I have fought harder for him? Should I have given so many chances, or did I not give enough? Am I wrong about NPD, is he just damaged and I should try and help him to heal from past abuse? So many doubts.

    1. lickemtomorrow says:

      What a great description of the empath’s self doubt, Karmicoverload. Constantly questioning yourself and being full of uncertainty as to what to do. I think that’s the cognitive dissonance narcissists generate. They have you second guessing yourself, filling you with self doubt, as you try to work out how to keep them happy. At the end of it all, when they dump you so unceremoniously, you wonder why you twisted yourself into knots trying to please them. They definitely didn’t deserve it.

      1. karmicoverload says:

        Thanks Lickem. In this instance, I ended it with him. Yet the doubt still remains. The only difference is that now I am not just sad, but angry too. At myself and at him.

        1. lickemtomorrow says:

          I completely understand that sense of anger. I allow that to spill out at times here.

          Some of HGs articles are quite triggering and I figure it’s better out than in …

          A sense of betrayal probably underlies a lot of that. So, for me, the sadness which naturally applies to the longing created is overlayed with anger at the sense of betrayal around that. And we have been betrayed in so many ways. As empaths we’re inclined to take that back on ourselves. How could we not see it, know it, recognize it, reject it? The anger is not only generated against the narcissist, but also against ourselves.

          1/ How could they do this?

          2/ How could we let this happen?

          It’s no wonder the doubts linger long after they’re gone. The reality is we didn’t know what we were dealing with and having us doubt ourselves is a major way for them to maintain control. How easy is it to control someone who is unsure of themselves and doubting? Very. The gaslighting effect takes time to overcome. It lingers. Questions remain. Even if we let them go.

          Knowing we made the right decision doesn’t always resolve the confusion they have left us with and the only way to make sense of it is to take hold of the narcissistic perspective – it was never meant to make sense, it was only meant to control.

          I hope you will be able to stop doubting yourself once you get a hold of that idea. Confusion = control. And doubt is a result of confusion.

          1. karmicoverload says:

            “Knowing we made the right decision doesn’t always resolve the confusion they have left us with.” Exactly. I need to remember this on the next occasion some well-meaning friend says “You know what he was and what he was doing, why can’t you just forget about him and move on?”
            Thank you, Lickem, for once again articulating the point perfectly. X

          2. lickemtomorrow says:

            Glad to be of service, Karmicoverload 🙂

            I know it’s hard.

          3. NarcAngel says:

            Empaths desire closure and narcs will never provide that, thus the residual feelings even after moving away from them. We have to provide our own closure in recognizing the narcissist’s perspective as being uncompromising with regard to others. Once you understand that it removes the sting of it being personal and allows you to move forward once again – albeit with caution.

  3. Asp Emp says:

    A quote by Eleanor Roosevelt “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”

  4. December Infinity says:

    I was bulldozed for 4 years. Enough was enough. No more chances and I didn’t deserve the treatment I got from him. He had enough time to make things right and that was clearly not ever going to happen. I finally came to my senses. There was no more doubt. Only end it.

  5. lickemtomorrow says:

    1/ No, it is not your fault.

    2/ Yes, you did love him enough.

    3/ No, you weren’t wrong to leave.

    4/ No, you shouldn’t have given him another chance.

    5/ No one is ever going to make him happy (in spite of appearances)

    6/ You helped him as much as you could have.

    7/ NO, YOU DID NOT DESERVE IT.

    Empaths, up off your knees.

    Please.

    1. KJ says:

      Thank you. Some days you just need to hear those words. And right back at you too, lickemtomorrow.

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        Thank you, KJ 🙂 I appreciate it.

  6. Summer says:

    Another priceless article. 1,3 & 5 were the biggest for me. #3 the most. Marriage is sacred & i made vows but nowhere does the bible say u cant leave to save your life. Without exaggeration, I would not have survived him.

    1. Leela says:

      This “marriage is sacred” is THE mistake why religious people do not LEAVE an abuser! No, marriage is NOT sacred, especially when one of the spouses is an abuser.

      I am realistic: There´s NEVER a guarantee. Even two healthy people can me married for 20, 30 years and then realize that it just doesn´t work out anymore. You NEVER have a guarantee, that´s why it´s so important to work on the relationship to a certain and healthy extent.

      I am a realist and say: You NEVER know what will be in 5, 10 or 20 years. People can change. Circumstances can change. There is NO such “sacred bond”. There are only two people.

      And marriage does DEFINITELY NOT mean “I stay with a abusive partner”!

  7. Becoming Observant says:

    You’ve written that a somatic narc commonly uses sex as a weapon. They are good at it, can read their partner well, adapt their technique for affect. Early on, it’s tool to bind/addict us to you. Later, it is withheld to pull negative fuel. You’ve mentioned that you, personally, find masturbation more fulfilling. Have you ever found yourself addicted to any woman’s “moves”, where you feel drawn back even if she’s been discarded?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No.

  8. Asp Emp says:

    “In the beginning you are resourceful, confident and independent. Those attributes are there with no need for brazen displays but rather they exist in an understated and quiet manner. Then we arrive. “ Uhoh.

    #1. Guilt?! I assumed it was my fault, yet, instinctively knew it wasn’t. (I learned this from a boss when I was 21 years old – ASSUME – never assume or you’d make an ass out of u and me – I don’t think it has anything to do with donkeys).

    #2. “Perhaps we behave the way we do because we feel that we love you more than you love us?”. What?!

    #3. No.
    “to free yourself of our poisonous influence”- too right.
    Dyson it.

    #4. No.
    A narc change? Pigs might fly.

    #5. ? What?! Oh. There is a number 5. Or should it have skipped that and gone straight to #6?
    Absolutely No Come Back. The hoover is broken.

    #6. Not my problem. Yet it is made my problem. Scuse me, I need some paracetamol – for the headaches. Compassion?! Hello?! Bye.

    #7. No. Of course not!! I expect him to go away now.

    “Maybe if you had kept a civil tongue in your mouth it would have turned out differently?” What?!

    “Perhaps if you had tried to look at things from his perspective more often rather than thinking about yourself, then the outcome would have been better?” What?!

    “Maybe, just maybe, you got what you deserved?” How dare you.

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