I Spy a Private Eye



I have often mentioned the empath’s need to know. Initially this is borne out of your desire to know and to understand for the purpose of enabling you to discharge your caring and nurturing abilities. Only by understanding and knowing what is wrong, what is going through someone’s mind or understanding their situation are you able to assist and help. Some people like to know because they are inquisitive. Some people like to know because they are downright nosey. We like to know so we can use it against you or to further our own schemes. You like to know so you can help. This is a core trait of the empathic individual and it is not something that you are ever able to let go.  Even when we are subjecting you to the devaluation you are unable to accept that it is happening without being able to understand why. You need to know. We know you need to know and we exploit this. This is why we engage in denial, deflection and circular arguments because we are entirely aware this inability to allow you to know and to understand draws fuel from you but also keeps you doing this. Even when we discard you, you still want to make sense of what has happened. You need and want to know why did we treat in the way we did, why did we do all those awful things to you and why were you not enough? By tapping into this trait of yours we also ensure that you have to know what we are doing once we have flung you to one side.

You will ask our friends what we are doing and pose similar questions to our family in a bid to ascertain what we are now doing without you. You ask your friends to spy on your behalf, gathering information about the places that we have been to and the people we have fraternised with. You see, if you try to escape from us then you cannot get rid of us as we appear with Hoover in hand ready to suck you back. However, if we have decided that we have extracted as much fuel as we possibly can from you (at least for now) we will do our utmost to remain invisible and keep you guessing. We want you wondering what we are doing? We want you to be sat contemplating where we are and who we are with? Are we happy? Are we thinking of you?

This need to know becomes overwhelming and you then embark on your role as private eye. You will stalk our Facebook page in order to gather information. We will block you in order to increase the work for you but you will use a friend’s profile to look or create a false one. You will drive past the places you know we might be, home, work and recreational and social places hoping to catch a glimpse of what we are doing so you can satiate that need to know. You will create a new profile and follow us on Twitter, checking each day to see what we have written. Is there a new girlfriend? What is she like? Are we taking her to the places we took you? Who are these people in the photographs and where are they taken? We know you will be spying and the more you try and learn the more questions will arise. We use obsessing as a method of manipulation and this continues in this mould.

Our everpresence will keep reminding you and you do not help yourself as you repeatedly reinforce our presence in your mind by searching, checking and spying. You will search our name on Google, examine our work website for any changes, check on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and LinkedIn. Like a detective hunting for clues you will keep at it each day. You create a habit in order to feed the addiction which is the need to know. We know you will do this, we engineer and we encourage this behaviour in you. The knowledge that you are engaged in these practices gives us fuel. We cannot see you or hear you yet we know you are spying on us. We know what you are like and we can picture you earnestly hunched over your keyboard as you stare at your monitor. Don’t deny it because when we do Hoover you it is one of the first things we tease from you. How many times a day did you check our Facebook profile? You will admit you did it at least three times a day and tell us how much you missed us. You will ask about the new person we were with and who you saw posts referring to and all the photographs that we displayed. Did we miss you too? You always ask this as well. Why? Because you always need to know.

27 thoughts on “I Spy a Private Eye

  1. December Infinity says:

    Never did any of those things. I don’t care what the narc is up to or who with.

  2. Asp Emp says:

    LOL. The last time I commented on this article – myself & LickemTomorrow confer on something to do with sandals. LOLOL (probably get a bollocking now 😉 )

    Reading the article again – I never had the “need” to know what the MRN was doing etc.

    So. No. I don’t actually “because you always need to know”.

    PS, I have the same model Olympus Trip 35 camera, since it was new – a 16th birthday gift from Her. Hmm. However, when I have looked at it (locked away at mo) – I don’t actually think of Her. How’s that for my ET & LT?

    1. lickemtomorrow says:

      We did indeed have some fun with our sandals, AspEmp 😛

      The narcissists didn’t know what hit them!

      1. Asp Emp says:


  3. Empath007 says:

    Also isn’t this techincially emotional thinking on the Narcissist’s part ? Since they don’t have any tangible evidence we are spying ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, it is the distortion field which is narcissism.

      1. Empath007 says:

        I do not understand what you mean by dissortion field ?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The Narcissistic Perspective, it acts as a distortion field compared to what you see.

        2. Asp Emp says:

          If I may, HG, offer another perspective on this – Empath007 – have you ever looked through a camera’s lens when it was cracked? It distorts the picture you actually see. Or even a window – the image differs compared to an unbroken view / lens. Now, I am not saying what a narcissist sees is not the ‘wrong’ way, it is their way of what they see – just like how us, empaths see our ‘view’. We are all looking at the same image through the same ‘lens’ but in a different way. x

          1. HG Tudor says:


          2. Asp Emp says:

            Thank you, HG.

          3. Empath007 says:

            Not sure I stated my original question accurately.

            It wasn’t so much about the narcissist point of view.

            What I was saying was … some Narcissist’s are making the assumption we are spying on them through the use of social media. However. There is no actual evidence availble to the narcissist that we are doing that. How could they prove we are doing that ?

            That is similar to when we may believe the narc is stalking us, even though we may not have actually physically see the narcissist.

            HG always tells us :
            Look for the evidence, don’t just go off our feelings.

            So what I’m
            Suggesting is a narcissist in this situation is not going off evidence… only their feeling of superiority that we would spy on them. Ergo … emotional thinking on their part.

            This would not however apply to me…. as I spy all the time 😂 but there’s no way my narc could actually prove that.

          4. Asp Emp says:

            Hi E007, I was simply offering an answer to your question “I do not understand what you mean by dissortion field ?” and by saying what I did was from a different perspective. I hope this clarifies it?

          5. Empath007 says:

            Hi Asp, yes and thank you ! I am more just unsure as to whether that’s the answer to my question… I’m not sure their world view has anything to do with the fact they are making assumptions without evidence… and was wondering when that happens if that means they can also fall prey to emotional thinking as well… but it’s not super important… I was only curious as to whether Narcissist’s also have emotional thinking.

          6. Asp Emp says:

            Hi E007, no – narcissists do not have emotional empathy, nor emotional thinking. HG has cognitive empathy (he understands empathy). Narcissists act on their instincts – just like us empaths do on occasion. If you have ever at any time in your life-time felt that something does not ‘feel’ right – that is instinct. Even if your ‘brain’ has not ‘received’ the message as to why it does not ‘feel’ right (so effectively, you don’t really know what is wrong but you can feel it).

            Narcissists (around 95% of them worldwide) don’t know what they are. HG has done a number of articles explaining some of this in more detail.

            I stopped being ‘interested’ in my exes quite a while ago now and I have actually blocked them from all social media. But, narcissists have friends that they can ask to ‘spy’ on you – there is only one friend on my FB that I have gone ‘quiet’ on because she still works with the same organisation (currently waiting to get start date on new job – so she won’t be in same proximity as my ex at some point in the future). It’s not worth doing any ‘spying’ on the narcissist at all. Anyway, do have a look at some articles and find out more about narcissists on HG’s site – much better way of spending time. Hope this helps a bit more x

          7. Empath007 says:

            Hi Asp,

            Thanks for your reply. I have seen HG answer other commentators questions in the past that Narcissist’s also can exhibit emotional thinking and was curious if this would be an example. Since from the perspective of the narc in the article they assume (key word be assume) we spy. However as we can see from your answer and others …. many empaths do not bother to spy.

          8. HG Tudor says:

            It is not the emotional thinking that you engage in, but of a different kind which appertains to infatuation.

          9. Asp Emp says:

            See HG’s response below – infatuation is a narcissist’s “emotional thinking” – an uneducated empath would be seeing their own emotions being ‘mirrored’ by the narcissist they may be ‘entangled’ with…..

          10. Empath007 says:

            Thanks for the clarification HG.

  4. Empath007 says:

    “ we like to know so we can use it against you or further our own schemes “

    Planned. Thought out. Not instinctive.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes, the use of that sentence “we like to know so we can use it against you” references the aware narcissist, so Greater or Ultra and therefore planned, since written from the viewpoint of the Ultra. The Lesser or Mid Range is unaware and therefore will not know, therefore instinctive, not planned, not thought out.

      1. NarcAngel says:

        Aware narcissist vs unaware narcissist is an important distinction here. I understand the belief/assertion of Empath007’s statement because most of the articles (although written by HG The Ultra) apply to narcissists in general and most of us will be dealing with unaware Mids and Lessers acting instinctively – very few the planning of a Greater/Ultra.

      2. Empath007 says:

        Ok. Thank you.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome. I appreciate it can be confusing at times (not an insult to your intelligence) so do feel free to ask and I shall explain.

          1. Empath007 says:

            It’s OK. I don’t feel as though you are trying to suggest I am unintelligent by explaining this concept to me. However… it is a difficult concept, as humans, we all do things that are both planned and instinctive. I can’t imagine every action of a non greater narcissist is PURELY instinctive. They go home and think about situations just like the rest of us… and at times, come up with a plan as to how they are going to deal with it. Due to the fact they have no conscience and no emotional empathy, they feel as though whatever their plan may be to deal with the situation is justified as long as it in their own best interest.

            For example, they hate a colleague who they believe is taking away the spot light from them. They are seething with jealousy, so they go home, complain to their spouse about what a lousy good for nothing asshole the colleague is and they decide that if they ruin their upcoming presentation this will take care of the issue.

            Or they see a opportunity – for example stealing from a business the work from – in order to be successful and attempt not to get caught – a plan needs to be in place.

            To say they operate completely instinctively at ALL times seems incredibly far fetched. And I’m not saying this to challenge you (perhaps you’d interpret it that way – I don’t know). I am saying it because I have spoken with narcissists as they make plans. They are not all floating along in life with not a thought in their minds as to how to proceed. if anything they are masters at reinventing themselves and coming up with the new scheme… and sometimes those schemes take planning.

            Simply put : I believe the narcissist is responsible for themselves as is everyone else in society. They make choices. Choices have outcomes. That is my perspective. While I understand they have a different perspective then me… it does not mean I have to subscribe to it, or agree with it.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            No you do not have to agree with it, but you do need to understand it.

          3. Empath007 says:

            I understand that I dated a man who made choices to hurt me. After having consent conversations, he continued to Choose to see multiple women because that was in his own best interest.

            I understand that begging him to take responsibility for his own choices/actions… was a pointless venture, that he would never see the err of his ways because he truly believes he does not err. Due to a lack of emotional empathy and guilt.

            I understand that I did not know people were like that before discovering narcissim and ending up here. Which is why I kept continually trying to get him to agree with my perspective and understand my feelings.

            I understand I hold him accountable for his actions. And the best way to hold him accountable is by not enabling him anymore by continuing to be his punching bag. To leave. To live my best life without him.

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