Cheating On The Narcissist



I know, I know, who would do such a thing, but it does happen. Not often, but it does. How do we react to this in case it was something that you were considering doing?

To begin with, it is worthwhile explaining however just how rare it is to find that our victims are willing to cheat on us. There are several reasons for this:-

  1. During the seduction period there is absolutely no reason to do so. This is exciting, wonderful, love at its finest (apparently) and because of this golden period, cheating on this amazing person who has come into your life would be like cutting off your right arm. Pointless.
  2. The empathic traits of honesty and decency mean that cheating is anathema to the victim.
  3. The empathic traits of being a love devotee and someone who believes in fixing and healing means that the victim would rather address the problems (in the mistaken belief that they can be cured)  with the narcissist that go elsewhere.
  4. The desire to return to the golden period means that the victim does not want to do anything whereby they will lose our kind. Instead, they want to cling on in the hope of matters improving.
  5. Many empathic individuals subscribe to the concept of two wrongs not making a right.
  6. Being a truth seeker, the empathic victim finds themself unable to contemplate behaving in a deceitful manner through cheating.

These factors all militate against the victim cheating on the narcissist. Nevertheless, if on the rare occasions it does happen, what is the reaction of each school of narcissist?

As you should have anticipated, the revelation of your being unfaithful to us is a massive criticism. This tells us in no uncertain terms, that you regard somebody as superior to us. You are our primary source. You belong to us. Yes, we, through our sense of entitlement and lack of accountability will do as we please, but you cannot. We are hugely hypocritical as we commit numerous acts of infidelity, but you must not. Any external observer, though reluctant to sanction such a transgression, would undoubtedly understand why the victim has done so given the onslaught of abuse perpetrated by our kind. That is no excuse or reason in our eyes.

A normal person would be upset and would most likely have cause to wonder why the other person has behaved in such a manner. Leaving aside instances where a person is dealing with a narcissist who is unfaithful, ordinarily the cuckolded individual will wonder why this has happened? Is there something deficient in the relationship? Does something need to be addressed and resolved?

Not us.

You should be kneeling before us on a daily basis and giving thanks for being chosen by us to be our primary source. For you to be unfaithful and cheat on us creates a huge wound. We are made to feel worthless, inferior and desperate. You have acted against us, you have operated beyond our control and you have criticised us. All of the matters which are of prime concern to us – status, omnipotence, power and control – have been eroded by your behaviour. You are a traitor. A base and venal traitor who has been corrupted by some outside and interfering agent. You have thrown everything we have done back in our faces (as we of course conveniently forget everything that we have done to you) and we hate you.

Such an act is one which ignites our fury as we now desperately require fuel to heal the huge wound that you have caused. This is no minor abrasion. This is a savage and deep strike which threatens to topple us.

The Lesser will respond in a furious display of his ignited fury. You will be physically attacked and beaten. You will be forced to identify who the other party is and as the Lesser of our kind drinks in the fuel from your tears and terror, it will not be enough. He will seek out the other party and assault them as well. Property will be destroyed, windows put through, car tyres slashed, rooms wrecked as the Lesser spirals out of control. He becomes a frenzied whirlwind which will kick out at anybody and everybody around him, but most of all you. Cheating on a Lesser carries with is a considerable risk of serious physical injury, even death as he loses control in an instant and cannot regain it. The extent of the wounding is so substantial that the fuel demand rockets. You can expect to be beaten unconscious and for the Lesser to wait until you have regained consciousness to assault you again. This brutality will be sustained and wide-ranging. It is only when fuel has been obtained from you and others that the Lesser’s inferno like rage will abate. He will then depart and seek out an intimate partner tertiary source (such as a prostitute) or an intimate partner secondary source (an ongoing prospect or find one) as he continues his punishment of you by having sex with somebody else. He will return and if you have not made good your escape by this point he will use your infidelity as a repeated stick (both figuratively and literally) to beat you with on a repeated basis thereafter, since each time he looks on you he will be reminded of your infidelity.

The Mid-Ranger will also lose control on learning of your infidelity. Whereas the Lesser will adopt an all-out assault, the Mid-Range will alternate between attacking you and wanting you feel guilty. He will want to talk the matter through as he struggles to comprehend how someone could this to him after everything that he has done. He will keep you up all night as he takes an almost masochistic delight in cross-examining you about every detail of what has happened. He will want to know who, what he does, where you met, how many times, whether the sex was good or not, did you use protection, why did you do it, why he is not good enough. The questions will be like machine gun fire, spat at you as he forces you to explain yourself. He will weep and then slap you. He will provide you with a litany of his good points (rejecting any suggestion of his failings being a catalyst for what you have done) and then spit at you. He will tell you that you should leave but he will not do it because he wants you to suffer. He wants you to look on his apparently heart-broken face and feel guilt and boy does he know that you do guilt. He wants to relish in your discomfort, your heart felt remorse as he gains fuel from your upset, your sympathy and your apologies.

Ever the attention-seeker from the crowd you can expect the Mid-Ranger to call your parents, your friends, your colleagues and anybody else he can think of to tell them about what you have done. He will stand on the telephone as he declares how hard hit is he by your awful behaviour and you will listen. He will organise a crisis committee and ensure several people immediately come to the house as you are put on trial again. He will relish in receiving the sympathy of others and the downcast looks as shame washes over you. No matter how justified you might have felt at seeking the attentions of another, the Mid-Ranger will keep at you until you break and sobbing wail your sorrow.

The Mid-Ranger will use this as evidence of you being a sex addict, that there is something wrong with you and insist that you attend a doctor of go to therapy to address this. He will not cast you aside as he wants you to do penance for your crime. He won’t confront the person you were unfaithful with, he is too much of a coward to do so but will rather ensure that your infidelity is used as a method of control. Thus, if you slept with a neighbour, you have to move house. If it is a friend, you see him no more and none of the associated social circle. You are placed on a curfew, not being allowed to go out for months on end in a social sense. If a colleague, you must move jobs. The Mid-Ranger will want you to work at repairing the marriage or relationship but he will not address his faults. Not at all. It will be all about making you improve.

The Greater is likely to know about your infidelity before you admit it. His extensive desire to control and his reliance on monitoring your movements through technology and his network of spying lieutenants means he will compile a dossier of information. In such an instance, where the Greater, aided by his own sense of paranoia, has suspicions, he will be able to keep his control in check and we shall return in a moment to how he responds when he has gotten wind of your cheating.

If he has not realised and you confess then the Greater will not be able to control his ignited fury either. He will erupt and it is in this instance that the Greater is likely to use physical or sexual violence against his primary source. His pain from the criticism is substantial but what actually tips him over the edge is the fact that he had not realised and he ought to have done so. His sense of being all-knowing and all-powerful is mortally wounded by your behaviour and this is just as bad as the fact that you have sought solace in the arms of the other. His usual substantial control will be lost and his malicious fury will be vented against you. You are likely to be attacked and then ejected from the property. All attempts to mollify him, to apologise, to try and make things right will be rejected. He will need a fierce burst of fuel from this one explosion and once it has been received he will assert his control again. From that point he does not need fuel from you. Indeed, you are no persona non grata. He will discard you and turn to another, embedding the prospective primary source as quick as possible in a show of defiance but it will not end there. You will be subjected to malign hoovers as he punishes you. He does not want you. You are soiled goods, tarnished, but he will not let you forget what you did and thus you will be smeared and subjected to a vicious campaign of malign hoovers.

If the Greater has worked out what you are up to, his delight at gathering this information (and thus reinforcing his cunning, guile and superiority) means that he can maintain control. Instead he will plot and plan. He will be quietly smearing you behind the scenes. He will be scheming to unveil your infidelity and to shame you. It is likely that he will use your birthday, an anniversary or an impromptu get together with friends and family so that he can have a grand audience for your execution. He will strike when you least expect it and the evidence that he has acquired (and he will go to considerable lengths to obtain it) will be unveiled on the big screen to all assembled. Thus, hidden video footage of you giving a blow job to your paramour in the house you shared with the narcissist will be shown. A slide show of the texts you pinged back and forth will be compiled after your ‘phone was breached. A recording of your conversations will be replayed (and suitably edited to make you sound even worse) to all of those who are gathered.

As the tears of shame trickle down your face, the Greater will revel in your downfall and the shocked and disgusted reactions of all around you. He will cement the façade and have you cast as the whore, the scarlet woman and the ungrateful bitch. Try pinning the blame on the Greater when your family and friends have witnessed two minutes of you being pounded by the neighbour on the marital bed. You have no chance.

Following this shaming, you will be discarded, a new primary source already primed and waiting in the wings and then the malign hoover campaign will begin, aided and abetted by our coterie, our Lieutenants and the now converted and disgusted third parties. You receive the equivalent of being tarred and feathered.

27 thoughts on “Cheating On The Narcissist

  1. Narc superior says:

    What happens when a superior narc is cheating by a borderline?

    1. Narc superior says:

      What happens when a borderline is cheating superior narc?

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Anyone who is planning or doing this needs to understand the consequences and it is not a wise route to take. I personally wouldn’t because I couldn’t do that to someone, no matter who they are.

        1. A Victor says:

          You are a wise person Asp Emp.

          1. Asp Emp says:

            Thank you, AV 🙂

        2. Bubbles says:

          Dear Asp Emp,
          I totally concur with you, I have never cheated because it was done to me one time many many moons, summers, rainfalls, snow capped mountains, glasses of wine and bubbles ago and I know how it feels ……he was my very very first boyfriend
          He’s bald now haha ….and a few too many burgers, not so smooth on the facial features either ….he’s one bad egg 🤣 Karma Payback !!
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          1. Asp Emp says:

            Wow – the first boyfriend? Same here – when I was 20 years old. He turned up at my 21st (small gathering) – never saw him after that. Yeah, learned very early about ‘cheating’.

            Thank you for sharing your story – I liked your description – almost poetic.

          2. Bubbles says:

            Dearest Asp Emp,
            Haha coincidence !
            I only know cos he was the manager at our Coles supermarket and our dear ol friend used to talk to him and told me his name and the fact he used to play football …. small world !
            He never recognised me and has been transferred to another store thank goodness 😅
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    2. Asp Emp says:

      I suppose it depends on the type of ‘borderline’ it is……

  2. Asp Emp says:

    Should a ‘victim’ as much as look at another person (male or female) – in the perception of a narcissist – this is (in their mind) classed as cheating…… even if it is just a genuine conversation.

    Lessers & MRNs would instinctively ‘react’ (not aware of their narcissism), Greaters and The Ultra are aware of what they are.

    I am loyal when it comes to relationships – always have been. Never cheated, not once.

  3. A Victor says:

    When I told the summer narc that I had cheated on my first husband he expressed horror at the thought. He’d been married for 10 years and never cheated! His ex-wife had also violently abused him, he had to get a restraining order against her and he’d lost 10 million dollars to her in their divorce. I think he may have lied to me more than I realized.

    1. BC30 says:

      If a narc is breathing, the narc is lying. I remind myself because it’s dangerous out here! I was only an IPSS, so they didn’t care what I was up to.

      1. A Victor says:

        And I believed every word he said!! That’s the really sad part! My daughter would look at me when I told her some of the stuff he said and with an incredulous look on her face she’d say “And…you believe that???” My son too, come to think of it. Lol!! I was sure a sucker! But, not again, not with what I’m learning here! But, it goes out of my head so easily, especially when a good looking man talks to me (hence why I don’t talk to men) that I will need a long time yet of drilling it in to my mind, heart and soul before considering dating again. That is so crazy, how can we be so hurt by something and then forget that hurt so easily so that it can happen again?

        1. JB says:

          AV, we don’t forget, I don’t think. We just have eternal hope that last time was a one-off!

          1. A Victor says:

            JB, a one-off…again. But, yes, I think you’re correct.
            Why the word hope needs to be carefully used I suppose. Thanks.

          2. JB says:

            AV, indeed.

        2. Asp Emp says:

          Have faith in yourself, AV. Once you have learned more about narcissism, you will eventually be able to look ‘within’ yourself. Everybody works to different ‘timescales’ – some faster than others – I think that depends on the past & experiences & the individual (like me, you) themselves….

          1. A Victor says:

            Asp Emp, thank you for your faith in me! You have more than I at the moment. But, I’m not in a hurry, if anything ever happens, I know it’s won’t be soon and that’s ok. I will just be here learning and trying to get my regular life back on track, now that I have more time with my dad being gone. That has been nice, I’ve been able to get out and do a few things the last week, it helps with the ET I think.

          2. Asp Emp says:

            Good on you AV. No worries, no need to thank me but thank you for saying so 🙂

        3. Fiddleress says:

          AV, I think we forget that hurt because we are born optimists. We don’t go round being suspicious of people because this goes against how we approach people and relationships, and life, and the world as we wish it were. I have started approaching every new person I meet with caution, as HG says it is best to do. I started only very recently: beginning of October, after I spoke to a new person in a group I go hiking with. I was not on my guard but about an hour into the discussion, he started exhibiting red flags that I recognised straight away thanks to learning here. After that, I decided to force myself to approach all new persons with caution. It is unnatural to us, but better safe than sorry. I can understand about hurting for a long time. Did you put that person (your ex husband?) through the narc detector? Doing this, and hearing HG break down the behaviours helped me heaps.

          1. A Victor says:

            Fiddleress, yes, born optimists, that is a lot of the “problem”, seems an odd thing to see as a problem but here it is I guess. Your story and decision to be more cautious after are helpful. I am sending him through the narc detector this week actually, thank you for your encouragement about that, it tipped it for me. I have been hesitant because it was so long ago and I feel his issues may be other things but at least this way, I will know for sure and, as you said, it may be very beneficial. Thank you for your thoughts.

        4. lickemtomorrow says:

          For some reason when I read your comment, AV, I thought about the act of giving birth. Most women would agree that they ‘forget’ the pain of the experience once the child is born which is one of the reasons we are willing to go through the experience again. I think it is a bit like that. Some mechanism in our brains, maybe our addiction to the narc, wipes the slate clean on the last experience. It’s like a ‘reset’ and we’re back to where we started without the reprogramming in this situation that we actually need. Here we are able to reprogram for the purposes of avoiding the narcissist the next time round. We short circuit the need for the narc and change the slate entirely. Hopefully we won’t be caught again x

          1. A Victor says:

            I agree LET, the goal is to not be caught by a narcissist again. I am a very goal oriented person, seeing these things this way helps. Thank you!

          2. A Victor says:

            LET, birth is a good analogy. I am glad we can be “reprogrammed” here.

          3. lickemtomorrow says:

            As ‘mechanical’ as it sounds, it’s one way to introduce another dose of logic, AV <3

            I'm glad you found the analogy helpful x

        5. BC30 says:

          I’m doing a dating and relationship seminar (wholly unrelated to narcissism) and yesterday’s thought activity was that a lie takes two things to work: one person to tell it and one person to believe it. Never again will I make excuses, and I have a grounding confidant. When in doubt about my assessments, I go to her.

          1. A Victor says:

            That is so cool! I was thinking about a “grounding confidant” today, I have one already! My wise, sweet (23 yo!!) daughter!! Hm, but my two older married daughters both question her wisdom about relationships. Maybe I’ll have to have 2 or 3, that will work well. And, HG if I have additional doubts also. Thank you for sharing yesterday’s thought, that is very good! No more excuses! 🙂

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