Emotional Thinking

TENACITY

 

You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away. No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.

But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.

Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.

Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.

You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.

Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.

Try to understand that.

The Link to Emotional Thinking

The Addiction : How To Tackle Emotional Thinking

11 thoughts on “Emotional Thinking

  1. Joy says:

    HG, Holy.Shit.It feels like you wrote this just for me to read. It’s as if we had a conversation and I told you my story. The condition of my decades long marriage. Dull, plain, lackluster and how I gave up and took off after a man who swept me off my feet, made me feel alive, like being in love for the fist time. He was a narcissist and he gave me exactly what I thought I wanted and needed.
    When things went sideways as they do and we had more bad days than good, I wrecked my physical and emotional health trying to fix us…trying to resurrect those early months. I am convinced to this day that my lengthy battle with Covid, has a lot to do with the stress of my sustained period of devaluation and wasted emotional thinking following
    This really spoke to me!

  2. Asp Emp says:

    Last year, I commented – “For a long time, I was ‘hanging’ onto my sanity. For far too long. No longer. I am probably the most ‘sane’ than I have ever been – within my own neurologically-wired mind”

    1. A Victor says:

      Asp Emp, I feel the same way, the chaos in my mind has been calmed, I can finally think straight and I feel like I’ve caught up, in a mind where there was constant, I was always in a haze and I’d never been caught up. It is life-changing.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Hello AV, “the chaos in my mind has been calmed” – good that you have reached this point. How on earth do you explain that to a doctor – I recall saying to someone (in the same month as my total and utter explosion at MRN) “I am going to end up being sectioned at this rate”. I knew instinctively that I was reaching my ‘sanity’ end point with that ‘chaos’ in my mind and that was without realising or, more importantly, recognising where I was (mentally & emotionally). That person I said those words to should have never ever totally dismissed what I said BUT they did. (it is upsetting me right now – cos I now see how serious it was getting for me at that time – too many ‘blinkered’ idiots around).

        You are right – it is life-changing. HG’s Legacy is something that too many others do not YET understand how valuable it is. The space – KTN – he has given and his time, his mind….. life-changing for so many.

        1. A Victor says:

          Hi Asp Emp,
          I agree wholeheartedly, HG is an amazing person and he and his legacy building efforts are literally priceless. I give him all the credit for helping my mind to calm. KTN and his YT channel are reaching more all the time, hopefully hundreds of millions, or even billions (I like to aim high), all around the globe before too long. Hopefully to where someone who seeks out a professional is never dismissed, as you were. And also so that people are ensnared less often and if they are, they can recognize it and get out earlier.

          1. Asp Emp says:

            Hi AV, yeah, when I talked about it with a couple of people I knew – they were shocked. Sometimes it can take a lot for someone to say something out loud, especially after being made to feel you cannot / not allowed to speak of it.

            I agree with your words RE: HG’s work. Well, now that the Lockdown in UK is over – I’ll be able to meet up with a couple of friends and talk face to face about KTN & what I have learned. It should be interesting to discuss narcissism, CPTSD etc with them. It’s been a long time coming but hey, it’s never too late…..

          2. A Victor says:

            Yes, that “being made to feel you cannot / are not allowed to speak of” certain things is something I am sorting through right now, one of the bigger hurdles for me I think. But still, professionals that don’t respond, to me that’s beyond unprofessional, it’s unforgivable.

            Happy for you about the lockdown ending! We have not really had full lockdown where I am except for a couple of short stints. Plus I already worked from home so in some ways my life didn’t change a lot from Covid. I plan to get out golfing in a few weeks though, as planned with Truthseeker’s help, I am looking forward to that!

          3. Asp Emp says:

            Hey AV, yeah, RE: unprofessional professionals will get a mention in my future ‘talks’ with some people…… bloody hell, they’re in for a shock or two. Golfing? LOL, I learned that at school when I was 15….. it was ok, not a terribly jumping up & down with excitement thing for me. I’d do it for company, but I know what to do with a gold club 😉

          4. A Victor says:

            Laughing Asp Emp! Thank you!

          5. Asp Emp says:

            Just imagine someone actually behaving like that on a golf course and then everyone is looking at them as if they are crazy…….. (laughing).

  3. ava101 says:

    Can you slap me virtually awake, HG? Please?
    What is wrong with me?!

    2 guys I had imposed “no contact” on last year but stupidly contacted them again now, because of lockdowns, etc.:

    One of them forever!!! dangling carrot of meeting up again in front of me (this guy I have known for years).

    The other one:
    I had invited him to a protest near me, and to stay with me (lives 3 hours away). He then informed me, he was coming with a friend, staying in a rented apartment for the weekend.

    It took some discussions, to understand that he wanted to meet me around the protest. We did, it was great. He returned early to apartment, because of his GAY friend. Swears, they didn’t have anything at all going on.

    Said, he and I would meet me next day:
    Canceled1 hr later, one sentence only “change of plans”. He would meet me next weekend or weekend after that when he was alone, but “he couldn’t talk now”, hang up.

    Next day, turned out by app showing proximity!!, he was with his friend visiting places 10 min. away from me, never contacting me.

    All day never answered a text, never called, in the evening, he said, he couldn’t make plans for next weekend right away, as just returned, wanted to do that next day.

    Next day: all texts, questions from me, ignored. I told him how I felt horrible, how I wanted to talk, and understand, and to know when we would meet instead.
    Late ! in the evening, he said: that afternoon (while ignoring me, and while he said he couldn’t decide now), he had made plans with the same person for the weekend after next, and before that he had mysterious personal plans “not involving any other person”.
    We could meet 4 weekends from now.
    ….
    I had blocked him last year for exact same reason, involving same gay guy, he swears he had never had sex with, but that he was his best lifetime buddy ever (he as known for a year), – and I was just someone he didn’t know (after talking for hours for weeks on the phone and texting all day long, from 8 am till after midnight).

    Can you talk sense into me? Why do I hope to meet him? Only because he seemed to have same lifestyle, interests & world view, as only very few people have?? But if he was so special in reality, – why would he be this way, and hurt me on purpose and degrade me?

    –>> I know from other things he said that he also engages in simply immature behaviour, like exactly not doing what a woman asks him to do, only because she did so ……. How do you keep that apart from narcissistic behaviour, and does it make a difference?

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