The Narcissist´s Twin Lines of Defence
We must achieve the Prime Aims. Fuel and control are the most important parts of the Prime Aims. With regard to control, we always achieve control over you (from our perspective) because we utilise The 3 Assertions of Control.
Within The 3 Assertions of Control, the direct assertion of control is utilised the most because this affords control and fuel. This is deployed the most because so much of our interaction with you is either in person or through direct communication and therefore asserting control over you directly is the most obvious response. With the First Assertion of Control, you will repeatedly experience the Narcissist´s Twin Lines of Defence. Over and over you will come up against this and it is fundamental for you to understand what this means, how the narcissist uses this and what this means for you.
Imagine, if you will, a motor vehicle. This motor vehicle has a computer which controls the suspension of the vehicle, This computer makes thousands of calculations and adjustments every second so that the suspension alters to take into account holes in the road, rocks, rises, dips and any deviation. The consequence of these frequent and instantaneous adjustments is that the car itself never lurches, dips, rolls, leans or deviates. You could balance a glass of water on the dashboard and it would never spill. The car remains still and steady.
We are similar. We must always maintain control. We have to have control over our environment so that we know there will be no loss of fuel, no reduction in the elements of the construct, no destruction of our empire and the descent into oblivion. To ensure this control, just like ensuring the motor vehicle remains steady, we have to make repeated and frequent adjustments to cater for the vagaries of the environment. We must tackle the challenges, maintain the loyalty, head off the insurrection, put down the rebellions, stifle the dissent, maintain the discipline and whatever changes, alterations and differences occur, control must be maintained. It does not matter if our behaviour, when viewed from your perspective, is inconsistent, illogical, hypocritical, contradictory, abusive, absurd and so forth, so long as the control is maintained. That is what matters above all else. By keeping control, we gain what we need and we continue to exist as we require.
Any challenge to this control requires a defensive response from us when this response is provided through the First Assertion of Control, this comes in two distinct forms. We have a twin defence mechanism. The first line is Denial. The second line is Distract and Deflect.
Dealing with Denial. If you challenge us in some way, which therefore threatens our control, then our immediate response will be one of denial. Your challenge may be one which wounds us (therefore you can expect a response by way of ignited fury which encompasses the denial) or more likely, you will be providing us with Challenge Fuel. Thus, you will not be wounding us, you will be giving us fuel, but we not only want to provoke you into giving us more fuel but we also have to assert control and assert our superiority and denial achieves both.
Take such an exchange for example, V is the accusing victim and N is the denying narcissist.
V – “I saw you in a bar this evening, Lorenzo’s, and you were with another woman.”
N – “No, I wasn’t.”
V- “Yes you were, I saw you.”
N- “You could not have done, I was at work, I had a meeting run on, there was a new client and he needed the team and I to sort quite a few problems out for him.”
V – “Stop lying, I saw you with my own eyes.”
N- “Well you need new glasses because it was not me, you think you saw.”
V- “It was. I know what you look like for God’s sake. You were holding hands with a slim woman with long brown hair and she had a green blouse on.”
N – “It wasn’t me.”
V- “It was, stop lying. Just admit it, will you?”
N- “It was not me.”
V- “I saw you, I saw you with her.”
N- “You couldn’t have done. Like I said, I have been in work until now, Ring Tom, go on, he will confirm that I have.”
The narcissist maintains the denial. Challenge Fuel is being received as the victim is either frustrated, angry, hurt or upset. The words used, the tone, the facial expression and the body language all contribute to the provision of fuel. If the victim is the Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”) then the fuel will be of a high potency. The quantity of fuel delivered is so far low since the discussion has only lasted a minute or so, but the frequency is constant for that minute. The narcissist will continue to deny in order to maintain control and assert his superiority for the purposes of ‘putting down’ this challenge. If the victim keeps asserting the allegation, the narcissist will continue with the denial until the victim gives up with the assertion. The narcissist has fuel and has maintained (or regained) superiority.
Sometimes the first line of defence is all that is needed to maintain the defence of the narcissist’s realm and this enables us to assert and then maintain control over you. However, if the narcissist senses that the victim believes that they are gaining the upper hand and thus has in effect broken through the first line of defence of Denial, then the narcissist will move to deploy the second line of defence which is that of Distraction and Deflection.
This second line is vast, extensive and draws on a myriad of narcissistic manipulations. Some of them are subtle and insidious, others are blatant and rudimentary. Nevertheless, they fall under the banner of Distraction and Deflection.
Returning to the example above, the increasingly exasperated victim decides to play the ace card and produces a mobile ‘phone which contains footage of the narcissist with the mystery lady, holding hands and sharing a kiss. The victim plays the footage and the narcissist watches.
The Denial could be maintained and in some instances this does happen. For instance the narcissist will state
“That’s not me, that is someone else.”
however, the narcissist will observe that the victim is displaying the signs of gaining the upper hand. The words used, tone and expression will alter to denote that the victim believes that she has now won the argument and therefore the repeated denial is not going to enable the narcissist to maintain superiority. Yes, he may continue to draw fuel from the victim if the victim continues to respond in an exasperated or incredulous manner, but the superiority has to be achieved also.
Accordingly this is where the second line of defence is activated.
The Lesser may just grab the mobile phone and smash it. This is Deflection and Distraction. Admittedly, it will not win any awards for ingenuity but this is what such an action achieves on the part of the narcissist:-
- The evidence that supports the victim’s challenge to the narcissist’s superiority has gone. In the compartmentalised world of the narcissist if it is not there it does not exist AND moreover it NEVER existed, accordingly
V- “You smashed it because you know I am right.”
N- “About what?”
V- “You kissing that woman.”
N- “What woman?”
v – “The one on the video.”
N – “What video?”
V- “The one I just showed you.”
N- “No you didn’t.”
Note how the first line of the defence has been resurrected. The destruction of physical property (a manipulation, albeit a base one) was deployed as a Deflection and Distraction and then the narcissist, feeling that the challenge has been addressed, deals with the follow-up challenge from the victim by reverting to the first line again and thus engages in Denial.
Returning to what this act achieves for the narcissist
2. The response of the victim to this manipulation will provide fuel;
3. Superiority is maintained through this act.
How might the Mid-Range Narcissist respond to this escalation on the part of the victim? Denial only worked so far, thus the second line of defence is deployed.
N – “What the hell do you think you are playing at?”
V – “What do you mean?”
N- “Spying on me.”
V – “What? I’m not, I am showing you what you have done.”
N- “Yes you are, I am sick of you trying to control me, spying on me like this. And I am not the only one, John said to me only last week he thinks you are very controlling.”
V- “John thinks that? How do you work that one out?”
N- “Oh he is not the only one a few of my friends think it.”
The victim then gets sucked into justifying her own behaviour, trying to defend herself against the imaginary control she apparently exerts over the narcissist. The narcissist has deployed Blame-Shifting, Triangulation and Smearing as part of the second line of defence and it has worked. Fuel is being provided and the initial allegation about cheating has been left by the way side.
The Mid-Ranger could have Distracted and Deflected by walking off and engaging in a silent treatment (absent or present) or accusing the victim of having an affair (Blame Shifting, Labelling, Projection) and therefore all manner of different manipulations can form part of this second line of defence.
How about the Greater, how might he have responded to the production of this video evidence?
He may have adopted the approach of denial to begin with, however, there is a significant chance that the Greater will have either seen what the Victim had been doing, been tipped off by someone as to what the Victim has done or ascertained from the Victim’s demeanour that there is a potential ace to be produced. Accordingly, the Greater would have not bothered with Denial to begin with. His entire confidence in the efficacy of the second line of defence to this challenge means he can dispense with the first line. Thus, the conversation may have proceeded in this manner :-
V – “I saw you in a bar this evening, Lorenzo’s, and you were with another woman.”
N – “Did you, why didn’t you come in and say hello. I was going to call you. That is Jennifer, old friend of mine.”
V- “Oh, I see, you didn’t say you were meeting her.”
N – “Did I not, I think you will find that I did. I told you a week ago about catching up with her, I haven’t seen her in ages. You have met her before, do you remember? It was when we were at the box at the racing, for Ladies’ Day last summer. You had that delightful dress on, you know, the striking green one.”
Away goes the Greater and embarks on a monologue, drawing up details from the past (real or invented), showering compliments and distracting the victim from the thrust of their complaint. In effect the Greater may deploy a Word Salad to Deflect and Distract and thus gain fuel and maintain superiority. The Greater has a vast array of potential ways of deploying the second line of the defence. For instance he might say :-
“Oh that woman, she is obsessed with me. There’s nothing to worry about. Yes she kissed me, rather presumptuous of her but can you see how I broke it off. I didn’t want her causing a scene, she’s a bit of a looney, but you’ve nothing to worry about there. You aren’t going to let someone like her come between you and me are you?” (Blame Shifting, Smearing, Triangulation, Charm)
“I kissed her, so what. If you kissed me more often, this would not happen. You might want to take notice and up your game or you will lose me.” (Threat, Blame-Shifting, Triangulation)
“It really is nothing, she was just being rather zealous. You know people throw themselves at me, it is you that I want. Why else am I here with you and nobody else? Now, let me feel what a real kiss feels like, hmmm?” (Flattery, Charm, Triangulation)
“I was recruiting her for that threesome you said you wanted, you do remember agreeing to that don’t you? Admittedly, you were a little tipsy but you did say you wanted to do it. She will be calling me at 9 o’clock, to come round, but I wanted you to myself of course before she joins us.” (Triangulation, Gas Lighting)
The Greater will invariably rely on his charm and self-confidence to assert superiority and head off the challenge, possibly switching to the issue of threats if required. Either way, the fuel is obtained and the Deflection and Distraction line of defence remains intact and superiority is maintained and thus control with it.
Denial is the first port of call for us to maintain control (though less so with the Greater) and then the range of manipulations from Gas Lighting, Threat, Word Salad, Silent Treatment, Bullying, Intimidation, Labelling and Triangulation and more besides form part of the second line of defence. We will embed Split Thinking, Volte Face, Hypocrisy, Contradiction within this second line in order to maintain control and keep control on an even keel. Such is the breadth and depth of this second line, you will not breach it and we will keep going until you are forced into a retreat, we are fuelled and we maintain that control that is paramount to us. This is why we do as we do.
66 thoughts on “The Narcissist´s Twin Lines of Defence”
Disclaimer: I recommend the videos of René Spitz on Youtube for study purposes only! It gives you an idea of how The Creature could look like, to get a visual idea. Empaths, you may feel compassion, but please note: No one of us can help the narcissist anymore. The damage has been done! Long time ago. Only mental health professionals can help people with NPD, all we Empaths can do, is stay away from those people. Please watch only if you´re emotionally stable.
Leela, can mental health professionals even help them? I don’t know about that.
I read therapy can change their behavior but of course nobody can bring the emotions back. They never developed.
No, it cannot do so on a permanent basis.
Oh, okay. Thank you, Sensei.
Ah, yes, if they will do the therapy. Thanks
I think mental health professional can only “heal and fix” when the intervention comes very early, before age 3. Not sure though.
I always said my mother was stunted at age 3. How strange.
I took a glimpse at it and found very interesting .
Wow. Seeing the way babies respond shows a great deal , you can tell by their eyes and reaction . So sad but I kept watching
Thanks for sharing ,
And I saw exactly the same eyes in “my” narcs. All of them. Some stare, others do not. But in every single narc I met (or I was born to) I can see those empty emotionless eyes.
So sad eh? Honestly the eyes says so much about a person, especially when you can stare deep deep into them.
Narcissists and psychopaths have kind of glassy, emotionless eyes.
Again so sad , it is not there fault that’s how they are.
Yes, this is the hardest: It´s not even their fault. 🙁
I honestly feel super duper bad for them. Why is the world the way it is? I am still trying to figure it out.
Yes. They were poor little helpless children and carry the genes for NPD. There´s nothing we can do.
The only we can do is give love to our children. Love is what makes the world go round.
The only thing, everybody can do is: Stop child abuse! Stop child neglect!
In Jan. I went to church twice, both times there was a man there who stared intently at me. My daughter noticed and commented on it. It kind of creeped me out but I also found it oddly “flattering”. Ugh. Then I wouldn’t go if I didn’t want to deal with him, and I refuse to make eye contact. So the next couple of times, he would sit in my eyesight and he had the green sulk’s look on his face! Then, Sun before last, he sits behind me and makes huffing noises the whole time. He’s nice enough looking and also nicely dressed etc, but, wow, the more I see, the less interested I am. The biggest take away for me is how I initially responded to the staring, that oddly flattered feeling. That is where I think I need to be careful.
Similar with my last narc. He knew how to ensnare and even a bit arouse me with words. The words were really tempting but I knew, committing infidelity is not my cup of tea. I fought with myself.
The decision was fortunately made for me: He´s a withholder who prefers wanking by far! The could arouse me with words but there was no “delivery” anyway 😅 Rejection and withholding instead!
I was terrified that I could be tempted but pissed off when he rejected. Find the contradiction. That hit my narc-traits of pride and vanity. By time this became a huge turn-off. All I felt was disgust.
Got away cheaply. Lucky me!
Yes, lucky you! Especially if you had not learned about narcissism yet. I am glad for you to have not been forced into the decision of infidelity or not. You could’ve lost a good man for this narc.
I don’t know if the person at my church is a narcissist but I did pick up on these things. If he ever actually spoke to me I would be able to get a better read on it perhaps. But I don’t know if I will permit that. Of course, if he doesn’t push through, he’s probably not a narcissist! Haha
I don´t think I would have really committed infidelity, I was just pissed being rejected. 😂 I was tempted, that´s right but I think I would have backed out if he wanted it. I don´t think I would have lost my husband because he would never ever found out about that. I would have kept quiet. But I would have felt guilty, that´s for sure.
Glad, that didn´t happen! 🙂 It´s not worth it and the withholding and rejection were huge turn-offs and I became more and more disgusted.
So, with my last narc I went from Phase 1 “Oh, hot, stay strong, Leela, you do not want to cheat, it isn´t worth it” to Phase 2 “Fuck, why does he reject me? I´m not a bad looking woman and not stupid. Ouch, that´hurts my ego” to Phase 3 “Stay strong Leela, take a deep breath and try not to puke” 😂😂
Your honesty is refreshing. I have similar thoughts sometimes. Right now it has been “Should I give this guy a chance, even if he’s a narc, we could hang out…” to ” Why would I give this guy a chance, if he’s a narc, hanging out would be very bad!” It’s wait and see at the moment. Then I’ll see him, and how weird he seems (I keep thinking like a mid-range cowardly type) and be thinking “Good grief, he better not try to talk to me!” I am mid-range bait especially. 😣
I´m their target but at the same time I turn out to be their nightmare 🤣🤣🤣
Haha, that’s funny, that’s what my ex would say about me! But he was the actual nightmare!! 🤣
AV, “he sits behind me and makes huffing noises the whole time” – this is rather strange behaviour, unless he has asthma or something else?
I know! I’m keeping my distance!!
Dearest A Victor,
You just answered your own initial gut instinct …….creepy !
Normal people don’t stare, huff and creep closer ……if he gets any closer ……move ! If he sat behind me n huffed, I would’ve told him to politely unhuff 😤
Being ‘flattered’ by the stare is a red flag 😳
Good luck AV…..be very careful with a capital C
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
PS Mr Tudor is nicely dressed !!
Bubbles….. “unhuff”…. that is hilarious!
Thank you Bubbles! I can feel your care for my well-being with this comment (though that is typical with your comments:))! And it means a lot! I will talk to my pastor about it if it gets to be a bigger problem, he will put the brakes on in a hurry. If I were to speak to the man, even to ask him to unhuff, haha, he might take that as an opening, I don’t want to give him that. So far it’s not been a problem, I just ignore it mostly. Although, it does seem intentional, which concerns me. Anyway, thank you for your comment, I will be very CAREFUL!! 🙂
AV, should he sit close by again, I’d just get up and move away from him. No eye contact. No word. If nothing changes, then, a chat with the Pastor? Better safe than sorry.
Dearest Asp Emp and AV,
Thank you gorgeous one haha
Seriously, along with unhuff, I would tell the weirdo to unclose, unstare uncreep and ungreen … there’s 5 strikes against him already and he hasn’t even said hello ……count six when you unhello !!!!
Time to get out the narcoff spray
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Ha ha love it!
Cheap stares are going to get you nowhere .
Especially when they stare and don’t blink like they are daydreaming or in a daze .
Like snap out of it Hello are you there?
Hahaha, I will get that in my purse!! 🙂
Ah, Bubbles, all the ‘uns’, brilliant! Narcoff, hilarious.
Dearest A Victor,
Of course I care lovely 😊 …..we empaths must stick together like glue
Just be aware when you turn around quickly and Mr Creeps is right in your face, …..personal n close up ……..Mr DeMille 🎬🎥 😂
Don’t forget …..they persist, appears like your his target 🎯
Just keep your arrows sharp
Tudorites to the rescue !!!!! 🤣
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Sadly, to me, I have been watching church from home as a result of this. When my daughter and her family were coming, due to Covid issues at their church, I had a good buffer. Now, I don’t feel as safe, I don’t want exactly what you describe happening. It is ridiculous to be having to adjust my routine due to this person though, it’s making me a bit angry.
Thank u lovely 😊
The stare is usually the start of their game play
It’s not called a deadly stare for nothing !
Our greater friend, the weasel n my mum all have that stare !
Normals n empaths blink
Thanks to Mr Tudor, we know their tricks and have a heads up
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
We may stare, but you see emotions in our eyes. I use to stare at the wall, when I´m thinking about something or have to re-call memories but you see that in my eyes, this forced thinking, the emotion, the effort. The stare of narcs look empty, robotic. Totally emotionless. I first noticed that stare in a co-worker, then in my latest narc. They don´t blink, indeed and their eyes look android. Eeeew! Scared the shit out of me at the beginning! So glad, Patri Narc doesn´t have The Stare.
It’s a homing in sensation, very intense, flattering if you don’t understand narcissism, scary once you do.
It was scary even before I knew that they´re narcs. I just immediately recognized that those people must be mentally ill. No healthy person stares that way.
I will watch out for the blinking thank you so much. I do however have a cousin I think it he a middle lesser. He wears sunglasses a lot. He probably likes to hide his stare who knows.
Yes, had I not found narcsite I would likely already be a couple of months in. Maybe he’s not a narcissist but I don’t even want to find out at this point. And, after asking a few trusted people very carefully, no one at my church seems to know anything about him, though he’s been there since pre-covid, he just didn’t pay me any attention at that time, which was mutual.
I have issues with those who wear sunglasses all the time and don’t show their eyes … they’re hiding something!
As a matter of fact, I issues with most people now 🤣
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Dearest A Victor,
Sorry AV, just saw your comment
Don’t let creepy Mr Huff stop you from going to church….. heavens to Betsy
The thing is, you’re antenna is up now
You’re an extremely polite person, you’ll know the perfect response, if necessary……something like ‘go huff off in another pew, preferably in another church’ 😂
We have to learn to live with weirdos, narcs n freaks, goes with the territory ….our mission is to avoid them!
Good luck AV …..perhaps pray for some ‘divine’ intervention 🙏🏻
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Bubbles,….. laughing….. “‘go huff off in another pew, preferably in another church’ “….
I just watched “Grief, a peril in infancy” ….. truly heartbreaking, but not surprising !
That’s why adopted kids, military offspring, workaholic parents, actors n singers kids (just to name a few) always have issues and go off the rails
These videos should be shown at high school (not just bring a pretend baby home for a week)
Proper parenting is vital
Thank you for the suggested videos leela … I can relate 😢
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
You´re welcome, Bubbles. There is still so little known about the pathogenesis of personality disorders. A shame, isn´t it?
It’s a fascinating background insight into the development of lack the of empathy and the makings of what could potentially result in narcissism and helps connect the many dots and answers a lot more questions.
Thank you leela, it’s definitely a shame, crying, in fact
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
If anyone wants a glimpse on The Creature, I recommend the videos of René Spitz (Youtube). He recorded emotionally neglected children on video, this was during the 1950ties and 60ties. The children in the videos were deprived of their mothers or their mothers were unloving, uncaring and hostile towards their children.
You can see very well how The Creature is formed and why NPD is a self-defense survival mechanism and why those children cannot develop some emotions, why they cannot bond in later life. NPD is a hyper-compensating self-defense overkill and survival mechanism. If you´re interested see the videos, but please!! do only watch them if you feel strong enough! They are disturbing! Trigger warning! It´s heart-breaking! If you do not feel emotionally stable, please DO NOT watch them.
LFS, thank you for sharing this info…. “mothers were unloving, uncaring and hostile towards their children”….. hmmm, sums up my ‘mother’…… good that you added the warning about how it can distress anyone. Then again, I recall asking HG a question about whether the World Wars would have added to the number of people developing narcissism, there are possibly many other large events also contributing to the increase of narcissism within society.
“World Wars would have added to the number of people developing narcissism”
I would say Yes! And an example is my own Patri Narc!
Yes. Thank you for saying so. The impact with Covid & people (including children) being forced to stay at home (in UK – a very long period) I dread to think how much more it has been increased by this alone…… YET it is STILL all classed as “mental health” – granted, not all will be because of narcissism within the LOCEs….. hmm, I wonder, just wonder, about my own grandfather as a result from WW1 (he was never ‘obvious’ towards me or my sister) – my grandmother was ok because was protected by living in the country (and well off, large happy family)…… hmmm…..
“Narcissists and psychopaths have kind of glassy, emotionless eyes.”
Very difficult to detect on the Middle Mid Type A, though. They seem to burst of energy and their eyes have this light strong shine about them.
The emotionless darkgrey eyes I’ve only seen in the Middle Mid Type B, the ones who usually get diagnosed as ‘bordeline’. That’s what i thought was the ‘narcissist stare’. Turns out, this was only one type of narcissist. No wonder I got fooled again later.
I try to focus on the energy of their stare, their gaze.
Three narcissists I know do that cold dead stare: Middle Mid Range A and probably two Upper Mid Rangers (not confirmed by H.G.). But it´s not only that stare, the eyes of all my narcs look empty. Like there´s nobody behind there, like cyborgs, robots, androids.
Funny you should mention this, I’m in the midst of reading about separation from parents and the effect it had on babies and children, including those who had long stays in hospitals and the turnover of nannies from rich parents for example and how narcissism develops
Insecure attachments played a huge part and had a permanent and detrimental impact
The book is “The Life of I” by Anne Manne if you’re interested
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Not only NPD but also Borderline can develop that way.
Listen to “The Borderline”.
I did. Wow, Sensei, a completely new perspective! Now I´m a 404 Empath 😳
Dear Mr Tudor,
The Borderline is a fabulous listen !
Excellent diagnosis, explains heaps.
Thank you 😊
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
I was typing in some letters on my iPhone and accidentally up pops …..
Yoon Bum in Killing Stalking ……. it’s a webcomic ….. a relationship between two males himself and Sangwoon, it’s apparently a psychological horror, incredibly twisted and graphic comic ….. he develops BPD after suffering abuse
It’s Korean and won a grand prize award at the Lezhin world comics contest !
I don’t thing I’d be game enough to read it 😱
Has anyone here ?
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Wow! This is good to know. The greater is smooth with his lies.
This is FASCINATING to witness. Seriously. Fascinating. My colleague claimed to have nominated a candidate to the person who actually nominated the candidate AND in front of the person in charge of nominations! It was a bold faced lie and she was called out but SHE WOULD NOT BACK DOWN. She kept making other excuses to explain that it had been her, when clearly it hadn’t been her. We were all sniggering afterwards. She’s been outed as a narc, so things have changed.