The Narcissist Manipulates : Insidious Seduction
You caught the same train at 8-05 am every day from Monday to Friday. You always sat at a window seat nearest to the door with a seat beside you and a double seat opposite you. You never sat and read the paper. You did not hold a book. You kept your mobile ‘phone in your bag rather than prod and jab at it. You preferred to look at the passing scenery. You preferred to look at your fellow travellers. You told me that the opposite seat was free. You returned my smile.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You said hello on the following day. You smiled again. You engaged in small talk with me and answered my seemingly innocuous questions. You accepted my compliment about your fragrance with modesty and thanks. You told me your name and I told you mine.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You said hello again the day after and the one after that. You smiled at me first this time. You engaged in small talk again but it grew from small to medium as the train left the station. You told me where you worked and what you did. You told me where you used to work. You explained all about your hoped for transfer to another department. You told me about your colleagues and laughed at my remarks about them.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You turned in your seat looking for me as I entered the train. You smiled and the smile was wider. You waved me over and we engaged in conversation. The small talk had been left on the platform. You told me this, you told me that and you told me about the other. I absorbed it all. I told you how your outfit suited you and you told me where you got it from. You told me where you lived. You told me you lived alone.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You looked for me again as you did every day. You always kept a seat for me. Sometimes opposite you. Sometimes beside you. You always had plenty to talk to me about. You showed me your new ‘phone and I saw the Facebook logo. I also memorised your four-digit passcode as you tentatively typed it. You told me that you were going for drinks after work and you told me the bar.
You shouldn’t have done that.
I went to the bar but did not look for you. You came and found me instead. You invited me over. You invited me and my two lieutenants to join you and your colleagues. You introduced me to them and them to me. I made you laugh. I made them laugh. I bought you more drinks. You touched my arm and your touch lingered.
You shouldn’t have done that.
Your privacy settings are not as good as they should be. You placed so much of your life online. You accepted my friend request. You messaged me first that Thursday evening and I messaged back. You messaged again and again so I did so too. You told me about your plans. You told me about your family. You told me about your friends.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You met me for coffee. You answered my questions. You gave me more and more information as our friendship grew. You gave me your telephone number. You told me about your ex. You told me about the one before him. You showed tears in your eyes.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You met me for dinner. You laughed at my jokes. You told me your hopes. You told me your fears. You told me what you liked and I liked it too. You told me where you wanted to travel to and I wanted to travel there too. You looked in my eyes and you allowed me in.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You invited me to the party at your house. You greeted me with delight. You let me into your house. You showed me your books. You showed me your tastes. You showed me your friends and let me entertain them. You showed me my recruits. You poured me a drink and I poured one for you, then another and another. You kept coming to see me as I kept the group in the palm of my hand. You smiled and you laughed and you looked at me with something else, something more in your eyes. You kissed me.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You answered my calls. Each and every one. You talked with me for hours. You answered every one of my messages. You showed excitement. You showed delight. You showed enthusiasm. You accepted the flowers. You rang and thanked me. You accepted the jewellery. You rang squealing with pleasure. You accepted the invitations. You invited me over. You made me dinner. You insisted I stay. You took me to bed.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You thrilled at my notes. You soared at my voicemails. You revelled in my messages. You thanked me for my generosity. You clapped your hands in excitement when I showed you the tickets. You kept asking me to stay. You held on to me all night. You whispered in my ear and told me what you wanted, although I already knew.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You told me to leave a toothbrush. You insured me on your car. You gave me a key. You booked our first holiday together. You introduced me to your family. You introduced me to your boss. You introduced me to him, to her, to everyone. You believed everything I told you.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You gave me your heart and said keep it safe. You told me your plans for us. You told me you loved me though I said it first. You told me nothing like this had happened before.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You made this choice. You let me in. You ignored the red flags. You let my tendrils slide around you. You told me how I had captured your heart and made you a queen. I whispered softly in your ear as you slept in my arms,
“I always do that.”
26 thoughts on “The Narcissist Manipulates : Insidious Seduction”
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This one makes me cry. I can see myself doing the same things at the same time. It doesn’t feel rushed, the pace feels right, she is the one taking the lead in many instances, which again is what I like to do. It feels like they are all her decisions, and she takes them because she trusts him and wants to show that she trusts him. She doesn’t even say I love you first, she reminds me of me. That’s possibly why I cry every time I read this article, I cry for his betrayal of her trust.
Exactly. And I see myself in it also. It is so sad.
TS, here’s sending you a big comforting hug.
I can totally relate to what you wrote. She reminds me very much of me too. It’s a bland and potentially lonely life having to be economical with your trust in others. Since relationships with other human beings is really the most important thing for me (as well as the most complicated, but I’m probably not alone in this case), it has been very upsetting to have to accept that I must approach every new person with mistrust first. I am slowly coming to terms with that big upset.
And yet we cannot change who we are and how we behave, so the upside is that there remains a possibility that we’ll come across (and be attracted to!) someone who deserves our trust XX.
Hey Fiddleress,
Thank you for the hug. Hugging you right back x. How are you? I left you a message on DC a while ago. Need to check back in there myself.
Yes, I agree. I am conscious and wary of new people now. I think I still behave normally, I’ve always been guarded, but I evaluate everyone automatically now. I’m watching. I’ve noticed that even though I do that I still chat to strangers. I chatted to a guy on the train today strangely enough, given the article, but similarly, I won’t be on that train tomorrow. So I could chat away quite merrily. I didn’t realise how much I did that, until I realised!
My approach is that I refuse to change my approach, but, at the same time, I’m watching. I think in many ways, that’s enough. The majority of narcs won’t play the long game in the way described in this article. They don’t have the energy, they would need faster feedback. I think this article describes a higher level narc. The odds are therefore in my favour. I do like to play the odds!
I am in London today, visited the imperial War Museum for the first time. It’s a really great museum. Sad, but I learned a lot. Headed to Soho for dinner, ages since I’ve been there. I don’t know London very well, I’m going to visit more often though. intend to take more short tips, stop being so sensible and live a little! Why not? All work and no play just makes TS bored!
Have you moved yet? Tell me all about it!
Xx
Hi there TS!
Oh I love love love London! I still have to visit the war museum though.
I replied to you on DC, sorry I left it for so long. I give you the news there on moving away (in the coming months most probably).
You have a head screwed on the right way on your shoulders, it seems to me; so you are right about your decision not to alter anything in the way you approach people. I w
Oops, looks like my precious post was sent inadvertantly!
I was saying that I was shaken too badly with narcex (and have not recovered from that), so now I am extra being careful and am in a phase when I have raised the draw-bridge and am not letting anyone in. Not much fun, but I just can’t. Yet.
About being sensible, well I guess I was not at all for many years, and in a way I am glad I was not! I can totally relate to feeling bloody bored when being sensible. I am still licking my wounds of the past two years (various reasons), so I am being careful, but I hope I’m not going to be sensible for the rest of my life! Moving away should help.
Hello Fiddleress,
I thought about you in London actually! I walked past some university buildings, I think one must have been a common room for French students. You popped into my head. You are creating your own Ever Presence! Go you! Haha!
I totally get the sensible approach and think it’s entirely wise to be sensible whilst we are working through our past ensnarements. It takes time, some people coming to terms with having more than one narcissist in their lives. It’s important not to rush things and get out there before we are ready.
Sensible for me I think is less narc related. I do have a tendency to say no to things rather than yes. I can’t go there because the kids have this coming up or that going on. I schedule others first and take the sensible route when it comes to going off and doing what I want to do. I am making a concerted effort to say yes to more things I enjoy doing. Travelling is one, even if it’s a one night stay somewhere, saying no is often just bad planning on my part, or a failure to delegate. I’m starting my New Year’s resolution early!
I think you would really like the War Museum. It’s smaller, more intimate and it tells a story as you move through it. It very much brings events to life, although those events are obviously very sad. I visited Camden market for the first time too. Can’t believe I’ve never been before. Loved it, crazy crazy place, packed with people, shops filled with incense smoke, took me back to my student days in more ways than one😜
I’ll hop on over to DC and respond to your longer message there. I read it a few nights ago, just haven’t managed to get back to you yet.
You sound bouncy, full of life Fiddleress, I’m very happy things are going so well!
Xx
Haha TS, I am bouncy and full of life to the point of calling my posts “precious”! (Gawd, as Alexissmith would say – hi there Alexis if you’re reading! – I can’t believe I typed ‘precious’ instead of ‘previous’ haha). Thanks, yes I am feeling generally happier with everything. For me too ‘sensible’ or not has not been only in relation to narcs. I can relate to what you say, that if you have planned things one way, then it’s not so easy to say ‘yes’ to something else at the last minute. When I have done so, it has mostly made me feel a bit anxious, but also more ‘alive’ and I’m glad I did – and mostly sorry I didn’t say ‘yes’ when I didn’t.
I’m glad you enjoyed Camden, I love that place (haha to my Ever Presence! You’ll think of me again if you go back there!). I first went to Camden as a teenager, not very long after the Punk era and there was still that atmosphere about it.
Now I really can’t wait to go back to London! I will visit the War Museum, thanks for the tip.
On the topic of bounciness, it is dawning on me that I have at last found the reason why I had been feeling ‘bored’ over the past three to four years (what a petit-bourgeois thing to say and feel: bored! It was not for lack of struggles at my level, but there was this underlying feeling of boredom, among other negative feelings, which I now recognise as a form of depression. I felt that my life was useless and might as well end. Not to the point of actually ending it though, so I must have reckoned better days would come, always the optimist. And then narcex came along, and then covid19… But also HG with everything this implies, including this blog, so I was right!). I heard a programme on the radio a few days ago about the ’empty nest syndrome’, when your children leave home. My son left home three and a half years ago. and my daughter was still with me but it was hard with her. She left home a year and a half ago and in spite of the fact it was absolutely necessary, I spent the summer last year feeling devastated (that I hadn’t had an idyllic relationship with her, and I would have loved for her to stay longer at home). Now, I would never have expected me to go through the empty nest syndrome/depression, maybe that’s why I didn’t recognise it, but what I heard on the radio makes perfect sense! The boredom was another name for no longer finding purpose to my life after looking after my children mostly on my own, whereas I’d always made sure that I continued to do things that I enjoyed without them, even when it was only two days a month (like hiking).
And now, since September, the clouds seem to be clearing away, and I am ready to move on (see the picture in my avatar: this is the area where I want to live! I am staying there now on holiday, actually looking for a place to live because… roll of drums… I have just received an offer from people to buy my home!).
So yeah, I am feeling alive again and ready to do not very sensible things like coming to live by the sea before I know if I can get posted around here (never mind, I’ll commute, that would be feasible) or maybe quitting my job altogether but I don’t think so now – as I said, getting to like it again, which goes with the ‘happier about everything’ feeling. I am feeling lighter.
Haha to early New Year’s resolution! As you say, being able to travel more even if it’s just a day or two is precious (right word this time). I went to Nantes for a day not very long ago (only an hour and a half on the train from my place), visiting the Museum of Arts which is really good, and the Museum of the Printing Press which was fantastic. I want to go back there for the walks along the river. There was a storm on the day that I went; who knows, maybe that was the spirit of narcex unleashing his fury on me, as a way of telling me ‘How dare you come here? This is MY playground!’ – that’s the place where he wanted to go and live with his previous victim, but she escaped too. No, I don’t believe in spirits, I just found the situation hilarious: Nantes was the *only* place in France, that day, where a storm broke out which the weather forecast had not seen coming! My return train was cancelled so I stayed the night in Nantes.
Good to see you plan to travel around more, and to say yes to what you enjoy!
XX
Awww, I did stumble on your post – by chance FD. I don’t manage to read so many comments these days, although I do check in for new material a fair bit!
I’m sorry to read that you feel a little bored FD. I think it’s a stage we all have to go through. I know I did. Life will never be the same again, it’s a completely different way of living but you can have fun and excitement post N. I’m sure it will come your way very soon xx
It’s heartbreaking.
Especially when we can see ourselves in the scenario being presented.
It feels as though it’s almost impossible to know, as you say the pacing seems right. On the basis of that, the sense of betrayal is almost overwhelming. Having your ducks in a row is not going to save you. The narcissist is skilled at knowing how to meet your criteria, and you’ve probably given them hints along the way. The Unsuspecting. That’s what we should call ourselves. At least before we gain the knowledge of how unsuspecting we were in light of the narcissist’s ability to manipulate, to spot our weaknesses, and note our strengths.
The book I recently read on psychopaths noted how most of the women targeted were strong, intelligent, independent women, which is what made their vulnerability to the narcssist or psychopath so hard to believe, especially to themselves. That really stood out to me as we feel like and assume we are ‘suckers’ for falling for them. Not so. Not at all. There are many things that can be factored in to our vulnerability.
One article I read discussed psychopathy and victim selection using ‘gait’ as a cue to vulnerability. This falls more in line with body language issues, but highlights how something as simple as the way you walk can attract the attention of a psychopath (in the context of this article). They pick up on the most subtle of cues, of which we are not even aware, and use these to target their ‘prey’.
The betrayal of trust if real. It hurts to think of our honest, trusting and loving dispositions being destroyed by another who has no concept of these things, except to take advantage of them for their own purposes. I feel your pain, TS. I’m sorry you had to experience it.
There is beauty in the ashes, some of which we have found here <3 xox
LET,
Yes, it really does feel that whatever you do they can get round it in the end. The narcissist in this scenario is unusual in that I think he’s a planner, playing the long game. It could also be a case of the empath moving through the various positions within the fuel matrix and the article describes how that actually looks. Either way, our hearts go out to her, she’s caught because she’s just a nice person. Pace bothers me. I wouldn’t sense anything amiss is the scenario described. It doesn’t scare me, it angers me.
I think I saw the clip you are talking about as regards the psychopath reading the walk to select his victim. The candidates were filmed walking down a corridor I think.
That is actually something I’m conscious of. If I walk unaccompanied, particularly at night, which I do quite a lot, I am aware of my body language. Head up, purposeful stride and aware of surroundings. You do see it a lot though. You can pick out vulnerable people if of a mind to do so and it is concerning. I talk to my daughter about how to portray confidence in situations where she is unsure. I look at it in the same way as burglars looking for a house to rob. Barking dog? Too much effort, check the house without the dog. The easy win. Look confident, look strong, look like you’ll be a handful, look like you’ll leave a mark. Increase the chances of being passed over.
It pisses me off that people have to think this way. Rather that than the alternative. Xx
Hi TS,
This certainly seems like the more intelligent variety of the narcissist in terms of how he goes about targeting and ensnaring his victim. He’s no slouch, in other words, and she’s open and trusting, never suspecting a predator has targeted her. There is a nice, natural feeling to how he is getting to know her and how she responds. It’s like a dance, and each move seems appropriate to that dance, with an element of synchronicity, which is a word my last narcissist and I used often. There was something synchronicitious about our getting to know eachother, and how we found eachother appeard fortuitous. None of it seemed planned, and what was attempted seemed to highlight his interest as opposed to raise alarm bells in the circumstances.
It is upsetting and I have probably moved multiple times between anger and sadness. I have a sense that as your sadness has subsided, you are allowing your anger more expression. I think both emotions are vital to reaching the point of overcoming the sense of betrayal and hurt.
I actually receive articles in my email which is how I came across the one I mentioned. I’d be interested to see that YT video you mention as this was the first time I came across this type of body language assessment. It’s interesting that you are already conscious of this, and your description matches some of the advice given at the end of the article around how to prevent certain kinds of attacks – obviously this moves us away from the narcissistic seduction which the article is about, but it does hint at how we become victims at times based on the observations of others. And the article makes it clear that the point is not to blame victims in any way for their misfortune, but to highlight what potentially makes them vulnerable and how that might be countered.
One of the things it suggests is what you already do, which is ‘present’ a certain way to put potential predators off ‘the scent’, so to speak. In a sense it’s making yourself less approachable by making yourself less vulnerable. Or at least reducing the chances of becoming a target based on the predator type. They also make that distinction, in terms of the type of crime. Depending on that, things like sex, size, fitness and strength, etc., can factor in as well.
They did conclude that addressing the perception of vulnerability may be the more effective method of combating victimization or re-victimization. Basically, what HG teaches us here about how to become weaponized. In that sense, I’ve just concluded and confirmed again the importance of his work and the need to be here. Their suggestion, coming from the scientific field, is CBT or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I won’t comment on that, as at the end of the day it’s whatever helps, but it’s a definite that the idea of being here is to become less vulnerable to the narcissist, or predator, and also to understand that responsibility for victimization always lies with the predator … so definitely ‘victim’ and not ‘volunteer’.
And to add to that thought, the study’s focus was around the vulnerability to mugging, and if there’s one thing I’ve felt since my most recent entanglement, it was the sense I had been ‘mugged’ in some way. In my mind there truly is a correlation between the two. HG is here to save us from the ‘love muggers’ xox
Hey LET,
Thank you for taking the time to fully explain. It’s incredibly interesting. I agree, blame can’t be left at the victim’s door but if there are ways to lower our odds of being mugged or attacked then it has to be sensible to implement them. This as you say, ties in very much to HG’s work here. He knows his kind, he knows what they look for and we are taught this. He also knows how we can lower our chances of re ensnarement and we are taught this too. Weaponisation. He’s giving us the tools to fight back. The fight back essentially being taking evasive action. Again, sensible, I might be able to outrun, outsmart, outfight a psychopath, but do I really want to test that? Funnily enough, not really.
The gait, manner of walking, head down ‘please don’t look at me, please don’t talk to me’ demeanour signals vulnerability even to me. Something with a little practice we can all easily amend even if it doesn’t come naturally. I know what you mean by the CBT. You could definitely argue that rather than fake confidence it is better to actually be more confident. So do something such as a self defence course, or build your fitness so you genuinely feel more confident within yourself.
This is the video I saw. Very top line stuff but it did make me think.
https://youtu.be/gc8NT23gelI
The slight problem is the variances or flavours of psychopath and in a similar sense narcissist. Some psychopaths have greater control, are not just looking for an ‘easy win’. They want a fighter, they want a challenge, but these are likely a minority of a minority. Similarly narcissists, different schools will subconsciously target different empaths as we know. Evasive action has to be the king pin, again why HG drives this home to us over and over with GOSO, Sitting Target, Red Flag etc. We are a hundred times less likely to be caught now than we were then. I do think this article features a Greater. A minority of a minority.
I understand what you mean by being taken for a mug. I think we all feel like that some days when we look back on how we fought to make things better. This article is also sad because we know what’s coming and she doesn’t deserve it. None of us did and it’s hugely unfair. This is where my anger comes in I think, the wholehearted injustice of it all. Then my fight kicks in and I say screw them, I’ll be damned if they catch me again. “Kiss my ass narc, the Ultra is in my corner, who do you have in yours?”
Xx
TS, that’s right. My movements are completely different than I used to be. Steady, vigorous, chin high (especially when it’s dangerous). Once I used to sit on the edge of my chair, straightened like a dog on command. Now I lean back and even brazenly drop my elbow on the backrest. I remember about a stony, indifferent face as the pins drill into me. I remember not to snap a pen, rub my fingers, do not swing my leg, not give thanks as much, do not agree like a little girl, not too fast, look boldly, straightforwardl, speak decisively … or not at all and thousands of others. One learns all this instinctively with age.
As for the dance. Today I was dancing at home for a few hours and thought about it. It’s hard to hide if you want to REALLY dance. I have never wanted to look nice in my dance and jiggle pleasantly and attract males. By dancing, I express what I feel when the music flows through me, my eyes are closed, the world does not exist around me, gestures, movements, changing facial expressions, grimaces, wildness.
That is why it is easy to betray yourself in dance. Both narcissists burned me out at such moments with their eyes. I felt it. Later I saw it. And… I love it.
Even when I’m typing on my laptop, I express my emotions by tapping louder and weaker to the beat of the flowing emotions. Overall, louder and more energetic than other people.
These are all signs.
If you are in danger, you must be careful. Fortunately, under the influence of experiences, you start to hide yourself instinctively. It becomes very easy.
Of course, the margin of error remains, because no one is flawless. Apart from HG 😊
The worst one for me is the one in the bar. The worst.
AV, I think we’ve all been there in one way or another, putting ourselves on full display.
Alcohol allows us to let our hair down, and sometimes more than that … I hope you will cut yourself a little slack in the circumstances. There’s a whole lot more to your background which probably influenced that moment as well.
Aw, I just meant I met my ex in a bar, a nice one, similar to that description. All of it. And how do we ever meet any one if we aren’t on display at some level? It has to happen I suppose. Thank you for the encouraging words, I wish I could ditch that memory, and the 23 years that followed! But, better to understand now than never. Thanks again.
AV, I thought you were talking about your dancing on the table moment (if I remember that correctly) but either way you are right about the fact at some level we are on display when we move through the world and interact with others. For the most part we are unconsciously on display. Somehow, in the bar the night you met your ex, he saw something in you that attracted him, so while we might not be aware, the predator is always scanning the environment for his prey. It’s awful to think of ourselves that way, but at the same time I find it helpful to know that I was targeted, especially in relation to what came after. It’s not so much to excuse myself as to understand, and in understanding avoid the same scenario in the future. You are right when you say “better to understand now than never.”
Oh good grief, that story was embellished, I did not dance naked in a bar at any time, on a table or otherwise. Also, when I danced, fully clothed, on the bar*, it was never sober nor was it often. Nor in a classy bar. And no, there was not a pole involved. Haha, wow, that all doesn’t sound good.
Now that that is set straight, it was in a classy bar, my ex watched, approached, appraised, chose, mesmerized and off it went. It just strikes me every time that bar story comes around, the details they pick up as they watch us, the approach as they check for competition etc. It hits home, that’s all.
Haha, AV, I never imagined pole dancing or anything like that. Singing would be my thing 🙂 I once earned myself a six pack of Budweiser for tackling Don McClean’s “American Pie” in a bar 😛 Don’t ever hand me the microphone!
I like the way you say your ex ‘mesmerized’ … I’m always reminded of the Cobra and it’s dance as a way of mesmerizing its prey.
On that note, I can feel my ET rising as I remember.
LET! That’s so surprising to me, I never expect people here to have “hidden” talents, singing or whatever. just because we don’t know each other. Isn’t it odd to know such deep personal things and not those less deep things that people close us know?
Yes, he stood toe to toe and smiled down at me. I looked up, up, up at the curled up corners of his full lips, up to those clear green eyes peering deeply into mine, waiting for me to get there…that was all she wrote.
My ET does not do much from that memory anymore, I am desensitized to it. It now is creepy to me because I see it for what it actually is.
I hope you are okay, I recommend not thinking about it.
AV, it’s definitely a ‘hidden’ talent, but a-l-c-o-h-o-l 😉
“that was all she wrote …”
This has triggered another thought of my narc, but not to worry. We had a thing with that Johnny Cash movie, “Walk the Line”. OMG, it was so poignant, and he called me his “pepper sprout” … will continue not to think about it xox
Hahhahaa, that is hilarious!! Maybe you should drink more!
I’m sorry, I am not meaning to trigger things! But, I thank you for the giggles anyway!
And you know what I just thought of? How can they keep their lives so flexible so as to be able to be in these places at all the right times, days on end? My ex showed up before we started dating wherever I went, out of the blue. I never thought too much about it, maybe he was new in town or something. I think they’re masters at not having schedules, unless they want to.
These seduction articles are so hard to read.
No. How can they do it, knowing how dishonest it is? We have to protect ourselves. Thankful that HG has made the tools available to us.