Narcissist Versus Shelf IPSS
The following is a breakdown of an interaction between a Middle Mid-Range Narcissist and a Geyser Standard Empath. The two are in a Formal Relationship of Narcissist and Shelf IPSS (“SIPSS”), which those not benefiting from such knowledge would see as a married person who is having an affair with someone who is The Other Woman/Man.
- The narcissist and the SIPSS have spent the weekend together away in a coastal city. Therefore the SIPSS is off the shelf for the extent of the duration. She is painted white. The narcissist received positive fuel of a very good potency (SIPSS), massive quantity (in person, sexual interaction) and constantly (together all weekend).
2. The weekend ends and they leave the coastal city together. SIPSS off shelf and painted white.
3. The two part company and return to their respective homes. The SIPSS is now ON the shelf. This is not devaluation. The SIPSS remains painted white.
4. The following day, SIPSS sends a text to the narcissist
“It was great spending the weekend with you. I can’t wait until we do it again.”
This is pure positive fuel. Very good potency, one off frequency, very low quantity as short and in writing.
There is no response for an hour. The narcissist responds with
“It was great. Yes, we will do it again soon. I have a busy week ahead, so I will text you later on. Missing you.”
The SIPSS remains on the shelf. She remains painted white. This was a comfort crumb from the narcissist. It was pleasant, it maintains the engagement but signals to the SIPSS that she should not expect to hear from the narcissist often.
5. The following day there is no contact between the two. This is not a Silent Treatment, the SIPSS remains on the shelf and painted white.
6. The day after, the narcissist is reminded of the weekend. The SIPSS has entered his sixth sphere of influence. This is a Hoover Trigger. His Intimate Partner Primary Source has gone out for the evening unexpectedly. She in devaluation. Her departure has wounded the narcissist, he sends her an unpleasant text to provoke her in order to gain fuel. He requires fuel to address the wound, he can easily contact the SIPSS by text, social media or telephone, she has no partner, she has not wounded him, she provides excellent fuel and therefore the Hoover Bar is very low and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met. The narcissist telephones SIPSS. She has been taken off the shelf. They speak, fuel is provided, he berates his wife to the SIPSS (triangulation) and speak for about an hour. The call ends. The SIPSS goes back on the shelf and remains painted white.
7. There is no contact between the two of them for three days.
8. The SIPSS sends a text message early in the morning to the narcissist
“How are you? Just wanted to let you know I am missing you.”
Positive fuel. Very good potency, one-off frequency, very low amount.
There is an instant response from the narcissist by text
“I miss you too.”
The SIPSS sends a further text.
“I cannot wait until we can see one another again.”
Positive fuel, very good potency, one-off frequency, very low amount.
There is no response from the narcissist. The SIPSS remains on the shelf. She is painted white. The narcissist has not given a silent treatment but the lack of response is purely symptomatic of being on the shelf.
9. The following day the SIPSS texts the narcissist again early in the morning
“Hi, are you okay?”
Positive fuel, very good potency one-off frequency, very low amount.
There is no response. The SIPSS is still on the shelf, painted white and this is not a silent treatment.
10. She waits thirty minutes and texts again
“Please will you answer me, I hate not hearing from you.”
Positive fuel, very good potency, one-off frequency, very low amount.
Ten minutes later the narcissist replies by text
“I was in the shower. Busy day ahead. Will text later.”
This is a comfort crumb. The SIPSS is on the shelf and painted white.
11. There has been no contact between the two and it is now 5pm. The SIPSS texts again
“I really find it hard not hearing from you.”
This is positive fuel, very good potency, one-off frequency, very low amount.
There is no response from the narcissist. The SIPSS is on the shelf and painted white.
12. She waits ten minutes and texts again
“I thought you said you were going to text me later? This hurts.”
This is now Challenge Fuel. Her admission of hurt is negative fuel (albeit a very small amount as it is contained in a text) – however she is seeking to hold the narcissist to something he stated. The narcissist is NOT wounded by this, but regards this as a challenge to his superiority because the SIPSS is trying to make him feel accountable and this feels like his control is being eroded.
13. The narcissist replies with a text two minutes later
“I told you I had a busy day ahead, I am in a meeting.”
He is providing an explanation and asserting his superiority by looking to close the matter. He has not been provocative and is not seeking fuel from the SIPSS.
14. The SIPSS answers immediately
“Sorry, I didn’t know. When will you text me, or will you give me a call?”
This is Challenge Fuel again. The apology is a very small amount of positive fuel, the request for a call is mildly Challenging BUT aggregates with the earlier text message. The narcissist has not been able to assert the superiority to the extent required.
He texts back immediately
“No idea. V busy. Cannot talk now.”
He is not seeking fuel (he will be well fuelled whatever he is doing – maybe in the meeting or if not in a meeting in some other interaction) but needs to assert superiority and is seeking to close the challenge down. The SIPSS remains on the shelf and remains painted white
15. The SIPPS does not relent. She texts back straight away :-
” Will it be tonight? I want to talk to you, I always enjoy our chats. I hate not hearing from you.”
Again positive Challenge Fuel.
There is no response from the narcissist. His lack of response is designed to assert superiority by halting the conversation and thus the challenge from the SIPSS. The SIPSS remains on the shelf and painted white.
16. The SIPSS texts again :-
“Will it be tonight? I want us to talk, please.”
No response from the narcissist. Same point as above applies.
17. The SIPSS texts again :-
“Just yes or no, that’s all, I miss you.”
Positive Challenge Fuel.
No response from the narcissist. Same point as above applies.
18. The SIPSS texts again :-
“Will you answer me? It will only take you a second. Don’t ignore me.”
Negative Challenge Fuel. The irritation is fuel and the request to answer, prescriptive statement on the time taken and command not to ignore are the challenges.
No response from the narcissist. Same point applies.
19. The SIPSS texts again :-
“Answer me. This is not fair. Stop ignoring me. You had better answer me or I will call you at home on the landline.”
Negative Challenge Fuel. Annoyance plus criticism and threat.
20. The narcissist responds
“I said I am BUSY. Stop texting me. I said I would text you later but you cannot leave it can you? You dare ring my house. If you do, that’s it, it’s over. You’ve pissed me off.”
The narcissist is irritated by the SIPSS failure to accede to his superiority. She is not wounding because fuel is being provided.
The SIPSS repeated failure to stop texting and be patient now means she is painted black. She has failed to accept the narcissist’s superiority. She has not been compliant. The narcissist will now ignore her texts completely. She is being given a Corrective Devaluation which is an absent silent treatment.
21. The upset SIPSS fires off ten more texts. She makes no threats but insults the narcissist and complains about him being unfair and uncaring. These are either pure fuel or challenge fuel. The narcissist does not respond. The SIPSS realises there will be no response so she stops texting. She does not call the home landline.
The narcissist, in accordance with the Corrective Devaluation does not contact the SIPSS at all that night.
The SIPSS is on the shelf, painted black and subject to a Corrective Devaluation.
22. The next day the SIPSS sends a text at midday
“I am really sorry I pestered you yesterday, I know you work hard, it is only because I wanted to hear from you. I won’t do it again. I adore you and I will just wait to hear from you.”
This is pure positive fuel. The narcissist on reading this instinctively recognises that his superiority has been accepted again by the climbdown. The text is a Hoover Trigger. The narcissist sees this climbdown and views the SIPSS as white again. The Hoover Execution Criteria are met and he telephones the SIPSS. The conversation only last 5 minutes but he assures the SIPSS that they will speak tonight.
The SIPSS is still on the shelf, painted white and the Corrective Devaluation has ended.
23. The narcissist recalls his promise to call. This is a Hoover Trigger. The Hoover Execution Criteria are met (he recalls excellent fuel from the SIPSS, she is easy to contact, she has not wounded, there are no obstacles) and thus he does indeed telephone her and they speak for two hours that evening whilst the IPPS is out at the rifle range. For this telephone call the SIPSS is off the shelf, painted white. Positive fuel is provided during the conversation. It is of very good quality as coming from an SIPSS, the frequency is constant for the duration of the call and it is of moderate quantity since it is a telephone call.
Once the call ends, the SIPSS is back on the shelf and painted white.
24. Around midnight with the IPPS sound asleep and the narcissist in his bolthole, he recalls the telephone call (hoover trigger) and again the Hoover Execution Criteria are met ( similar to points above at 23) so he sends a text to the SIPSS. She replies immediately. They text back and forth for an hour. During this exchange the SIPSS is off the shelf and painted white. Positive fuel is provided. It is of very good quality, very frequent and low quantity because it is in writing. The narcissist is in-between engaging with another SIPSS online through social media and thus has two fuel lines open at this point.
When the texting ends, the SIPSS is placed back on the shelf and is painted white. The narcissist engages still with the other SIPSS and does so through Skype engaging in some mutual masturbation. Once that has concluded, the call ends and that SIPSS goes on the shelf also.
Accordingly, this short series of interactions provides the pattern of behaviours, clarifies how the appliance is regarded, how a Corrective Devaluation works, shows the shift from white to black to white, the fuel gathered, the type of interaction occurring and also the entwinement with other appliances also.
Are you a Shelf Appliance? A Mistress? The Other Man? The Side Piece? The Not Exclusive Dating Status? The Want More But He Will Not Commit Situation?
However it may manifest, nobody else addresses the shelf dynamic for victims of our kind, but I do and these are two logic bulletins which will give you understanding, focus and clarity.
Shelf Life : Deciphering What is Going On
17 thoughts on “Narcissist Versus Shelf IPSS”
Is a Super empath.less likely to be a shelf appliance long term? Or one very high in Super traits? I feel like a CoD wouldn’t do well as one either, for the opposite reason.
Good question, AV, and I agree neither a CoD or a SE would do well on the shelf.
I think the Super’s likely get moved very quickly through the fuel matrix to the position of IPPS as I can’t imagine them hanging around for a shot at the top. CoD’s are likely to be taken by another narc on the hunt if they are kept on the shelf too long.
I’d love to hear HG’s thoughts on this also.
Oh, LET, you found very different thoughts than I did. I was thinking the Super wouldn’t wait around on the shelf and would therefore escape, unless they were pushed through the fuel matrix to the top quickly, which is very likely that they would be, if they were with a narcissist who could handle them. The CoD I was thinking would not handle being on the shelf very well, being too connected to the narcissist for their own self-worth, thus needing more than the shelf to be happy. So, if they weren’t moved along, I agree, they would end up with another narc fairly quickly. Thank you for your thoughts, they expanded mine! 🙂
Hi AV, thanks for adding more thoughts to that 🙂
I agree the Super wouldn’t be as likely to wait around on the shelf, her more narcissistic traits probably wouldn’t allow it.
Interesting thought about the CoD, and I’m guessing they likely wouldn’t handle being on the shelf too well because they can be so needy or dependent (speaking as part CoD myself here). I like the way you expressed it as too connected, which they are and to their detriment. They would want more than the shelf, but they can only have what the narcissist is willing to give them.
The problem for the narcissist could be losing his grip on the CoD if there are other narcs on the lookout at the same time. The parasitic relationship requires a host.
Mere speculation on my part, but I like tossing these ideas around to see where they lead 🙂
Rereading, I guess our thoughts weren’t that different. Same result expected also. So it’s typically the Standard, maybe Contagion, that are shelf appliances? Interesting. I doubt Contagion is either, the sensitivity factor is likely a draw for the narcissist too move then up the chain also.
AV, I don’t think our thoughts were that different as the results did turn out the same … maybe how we got there in our own minds was a little different 🙂
I honestly don’t know who is more likely to be a shelf appliance, and since we don’t have HG’s confirmation we can only guess, but in terms of ‘staying’ on the shelf maybe the majority Standard Empath is most likely to endure. Contagion seems to be rare and as I don’t know much about that School I hesitate to comment, but you could be right about a move up the fuel matrix.
Like you said in your previous comment, it’s probably got a lot to do with School and Cadre of narcissist also x
But also, it just hit me, the type of narcissist makes a difference also. My ex would not have tolerated the neediness of a CoD, couldn’t have handled a full fledged Super, so hemoved me up. It seems it is pretty unpredictable. That’s for sharing your thoughts LET!
AV, good thought, I’m guessing the type of narc would make a difference. In fact, that’s a great thought 🙂 Which is why I need to think about it for a while x
Haha, and it just dawned on me that the summer narc was going to keep me on a shelf, that didn’t last long at all!! I must have enough Super that I am not going to sit around waiting for anyone. And, his type of narc, ULA, was super fun but not worth waiting for anyway!! 😂
AV, your last comment reminded me of HG’s mauling 🙂 Your Super in that instance served you well, deciding ‘shelf sitting’ wasn’t for you … whatever you do, don’t try to say that three times fast 😛
LET, hahaha, I just got that, had to try saying it to get it!!! Thank you for the giggle!
AV, LET, very interesting considerations.
Ugh I hate those damn games. It’s so unfair to sit around until someone feels like playing with you. What’s worse is I was willing to do it. You’re saying to yourself “what the hell are you doing you dummy!” It really is crazy.
Yes, and even when you know the truth, you convince yourself you can handle it. Again and again. Until you can’t.
HG, you’ve acquired a friend! Aren’t you the lucky one?
That was fun wasn’t it, HG?
We’re friends HG, I want you to be happy. So I am not going to try to control you. Controlling you does nothing for me at all.